Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dreams, cravings, binges, wants, needs, oh my!

I'm really striving to listen to my body today. Only eat when I am hungry.

Cravings have been RAVENOUS.

I don't think it helped that I had a dream last night that I binged on Cadbury crème eggs. When I woke up, it was so vivid, I really had to sit for a minute and evaluate if I had really done it.

I didn't... damn... I don't think...

No, no... I didn't.

I just plowed through a snack and a half and I am taking a breath before I keep going and sabotage myself. Snack and a half was 3/4 cup celery sticks with 2 tbs natural peanut butter, 2 oz 75% reduced fat cheese.

Now, I have a Larabar sitting in front of me.

These are NOT bad choices. However, I'm really not physically hungry...

I don't think I am...

No, no I'm not.

I just want something. But what?

OH! I KNOW! Let's play "Analyze My Brain"

What could be leading me into cravings-central:
It's the middle of the afternoon (snacky time, sleepy time)
I am practically alone in the office (no witnesses).
I have work to do but little motivation.
Stressed about getting my run in tonight (I won't be out of class till 8 - Gym, here I come).
Stressed about inclement weather making it's way over, which will likely cause headaches tomorrow with the minions and the school/daycare closing.
Stressed about an exam on Wednesday evening (which is the only good reason for inclement weather - could cancel MY school!)

Ok, taking all of these things into account... what do I really want?

What I want is... crap. I'm no good at this.

I want to be home doing my run.
I want to be home hanging with my family.
I want to be away from this desk, so the thought of scarfing something down just because I am sedentary becomes a mute point.
I want to find some calming of these cravings by doing things like writing this blog post.

And I already have... I put the Larabar away (perfect for before I hit the gym later). I look at what I really want, as opposed to what is actually occurring. And while I can't leave work and go home and run, or hang with my kids right now, etc, deconstructing what I want, and then being able to see the correlation between the things I want "NOW" (Temporarily) and the things I want in the future (Permanently) For example:

-I want to finish my education so I can have the job I really want, therefore, for now, my extra time will be occupied by school.

I have to remember that the whiney "wants" of now are fleeting. I will get my run done tonight. I will get home to my family, all while working toward something great.

Writing this helped me pass on eating anything else I am not hungry for. Cravings are difficult, but they are almost ALWAYS fleeting. If I can abstain for a little while, I can usually beat them. Once I leave here and make my drive to class, and sit through class and stop at the gym... well, it will be hours from now, and I will not have "needed" to eat a thing. I contend that a busy mind is your friend when it comes to cravings. An idle mind... well... a whole different story.

This post may seem tangent-y. Sorry about that. BUT, "it's my bloggy and I'll tangent if I want to" - go ahead, sing it, you know you want to...

I'll be back - I have another tangent on the governments and Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics idea of a "good" "healthy" diet... that'll be a doozy...

Monday, February 27, 2012

A little news...

Whew - what a weekend. I can't wait until weekends feel more like a little break, rather than feeling like I have to come back to work to rest! LOL

Weekend was great, eating and exercise went very well. The weekend always makes me a tad nervous, because there is so much opportunity for eating poorly. I mean, that's what weekends were ABOUT for a long time. Where should we go to eat? The activities we enjoyed were centered on what restaurants were in the area.

Of course, that was also pre- two-kids-who-don’t-wanna-sit-still-in-any-restaurant. Probably lucky for us!

SO, I have a 5K coming up on Sunday. It's my first one since LAST March, when I ran/walked a 5K with bronchitis (in my defense, I didn't KNOW it was bronchitis at the time) and got pneumonia out of it. Hmph. I feel MORE prepared to run this one, but not totally confident I can run the whole thing (as in, without walk breaks). I have been training on rolling hills, and I think that will help, since this is totally flat. It should feel a bit easier.

Yesterday, while running, I could actually feel what people mean by "establishing your pace". As a mostly non-runner, I never really understood what that felt like. However, I think I felt my "pace" and it felt comfortable! I mean, comfortable, running? WHA?? I never thought that would happen! Running = pain, right?? Well, some of it did yesterday (especially the damn hills...) but much better than I have felt before while running. So, this race makes me a tad nervous, because I want to run the WHOLE thing. Of course I will finish - no brainer - but running the whole things is the ultimate goal. I would be ELATED.

My training (as any good little C25K-er) has consisted of running and walking intermittently. So far, I have run for 5 minutes at a time, with a walk of 2 minutes in between. Another thing I have noticed while doing this: I recover MUCH faster than I used to. As soon as I stop running, my heart rate drops significantly, and seems to be almost normal only a minute or so into the walk. This is great and speaks well to my physical conditioning. Makes me happy.

I know running at 5 minutes at a time seems ridiculous to runners, but I feel good about it. I know I could push myself for longer, but I have been following my program. Even when I was sorta-kinda training myself last year, I would only run for a song length, 3-4 minutes max. I am improving.
Isn’t that the point?

The hubs is running with me, but has not been able to train quite the way I have. He is very self-conscious about walking on the raceway, and I am trying to calm his fears. I explained there are plenty of walkers in 5K's like these, and we would be in good company... one thing I am a little worried about is that he will really want me to stay with him, and I will really want to try and do my best with this race. I'm feeling very torn about this. We will see what he says.

So, as promised - I have some news. I have officially decided to stop teaching. I informed all of my private students this weekend. Some didn't seem to care all that much, and a few were upset. But, I know this is the right decision for ME. I can't worry about what other people think about me. Only what I think of myself. So, as of the beginning of May (yes, I had to give them some time to find a new teacher!) I will have only ONE job! I'm very relieved and happy. Looking forward to the Spring and Summer when I have more time to devote to my family.

Till next time, soldiers! Keep moving forward!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Saturday update

Just a little check in... Busy, busy day, but ate really well and had a fantastic workout!

Ladies, if you are afraid to lift heavy weights, don't be! Besides being FAB for your body ( muscle burns more calories at REST than fat) it makes you feel BADASS!! Lots of heavy lifting and some tabata thrown in the middle for good measure - mountain climbers, high knees, plank jacks and power jacks. It was exhausting and wonderful.

Food was good. Totally abstinent from sugar, white flour, and processed food (which is made up of mostly sugar and flour!). My only issue was not enough water. My weekends are infamous for at. So much easier at work... I better go drink some right now...

Weighed myself again this morning. I am telling you this because it's an obsessive pattern. I have asked the hubby (in my defense, I asked him to hid it on like, Friday, but he didn't. Yeah, I'm totally passing blame on this one, even though its my own issue. poor hubby!)again to put it away. I will be SURE he does tonight.

Another busy day tomorrow. Church, teaching, grocery store, laundry... Maybe, oh, I don't know, actually spend time with my little tribe??? Shouldn't that be what weekends are about. Well, I have made a decision that is going to enable more of that to occur... Will announce early in the week... I'll just keep you in suspence till then.

Soldier on, my friends! It is worth the fight! YOU are worth the fight!!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Friday, revisited

It's a battle today. A battle I will keep fighting and I will win.
It's one of those days it would be so easy to fall right back into the crap food, into the sugar... so easy to just reach over to the file cabinate across from my desk and take the goodies sitting there. The goodies that everyone is raving about.

"Why don't you just try one? They are SOOOO good"

I have no doubt they are good. But, I'm ok without, thanks.

Draggin ass, people. I'm thinking of my Tuff Girl workout tomorrow, and I'm already tired. So much going on this weekend.

Rehearsal tomorrow afternoon, church Sunday morning, teaching all afternoon... and then the weekend will be *POOF* - gone.

I am going to strive to enjoy the time I have with my tribe this weekend, while also making a little time for myself.

What are YOUR weekend plans??

Snowy Friday

I woke up (at 4:45 AM, mind you - grrrr) to a snowy day. Now, I live in New England, so this doesn't seen like it should be surprising, HOWEVER, it has hardly snowed at all this winter and I was TOTALLY unprepared.

It was a rough morning with the boys. Thing 2 up at 4:45. Tried to get him calm and relaxed so we could rest a little longer. He would NOT have it. He found it fun to butt heads with me - and he has a HARD head! Thus, I have a headache.

Then he peed on me.

It was time to get up.

I wanted to cry.

Wrestled both Thing 1 and 2 into clothing, running around trying to find winter gear - as yesterday it was like, 55 degrees!

Then, who is whining about breakfast, who is whining about what they have to drink, who is whining about what they are wearing... etc, etc

I totally snapped.

Snapping can only end badly, people. As in, with Thing 1 and I both in tears, Thing 2 looking on clueless (he IS only 18 months, after all) and the hubs storming out of the house to clean off the cars.

Breathe in...Breathe out...

Everyone was pretty quiet the rest of the time getting ready to head out the door. This was a blessing, for sure.

By the time we were slowly making our way down snowy roads toward the boys school, I was much clamer, and regretting my outburst, for sure. I appoligized to Josh - "Baby, I'm sorry I got so frustrated"...

"That's ok Mama, everyone gets frustrated sometimes. And I'm sorry I yelled at you."...

I mean, this kid is not even 5 yet... he is wise beyond me.

I really DO have amazing kids.

After dropping the minions off at school/daycare, I almost got demolished by a plow - who was coming the WRONG way down a VERY small ONE WAY road. THEN, he forced me to back up so he could floor it around me.

I think I saw at least SOME of my life flash in front of me.

After this - doesn't a nice, hot, sweet cup of mocha goodness sound like the perfect remedy?

Yeah, it sounded like that to me too. For about a second.

Then, I came to my senses. And I broke it down:

What do I REALLY need right now?

Well, I am stressed, tired, cold, frustrated and hungry.

Woh. Ok, lots going on here. First breathe deeply a few times.

OK, now. Tired, cold and even hungry to an extent - can be helped by a nice cup of tea. Sugar and chocolate need not have any part of that equation. I felt this was a good choice/decision. I was a little nervous pulling into Starbucks to order a tea - I hoped "Venti Mocha with extra whip" didn't pop out of my mind while I was THINKING "Grande chai tea with skim milk and 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla"

No worries. It didn't. I had a split second thought about chocolate cookies they have there. Thus, the drive-through was a great option. Out of sight, out of mind (well, mostly)

I proceeded to work without additional incident, and treated myself to parking across the street from my office - as my normal 15 minute walk would be doubled with all the snow. While usually I don't mind, I needed a break.

The tea was a fabulous choice. Perfect for what I needed. Got into work, had breakfast.

Addiction - zero.
Me - One.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hooray! I'm back!

Ok, I don't know why, but blogger wouldn't load on my work computer... it would only let me do a title (as seen in my last post)

I will NOT be silenced! HA!

I will start by saying that if anyone doesn't want to read about a compulsive overeater and sugar addict in recovery - please feel free to stop following this blog. I certainly won't be offended.

Because THIS GIRL has found the LIGHT!

I feel like I have had a re-birth (ok, come on, you all know I am a little dramatic, but for REAL). I feel SO good. It's NOT easy to abstain from all sugar and processed flour. It's in a LOT of everyday crap food. I've gone without it before, and it may last for a while. Then I start thinking "no way, I have this beat. I can have a little and be fine". Now it is different, because I simply have to accept that NO, I can NOT just have a little. This drug overtakes me. It cannot be a part of my sane life.

There are other things that may come into question (maybe cheese? Maybe sugar free items?). I am ok with this. Whatever it takes for me to be in a place of peace with food, I will do it.

What I have realized is that without the emotional/spiritual/mental support, it simply will not be a lasting situation. I have a support system now of people who truly understand what it is like to be swallowed up by addiction. To feel desperate and empty, and try to fill that feeling with food.

I feel

The plan I outlined previously still stands. I am not eating any sugar or processed white flour.

I am weighing and measuring everything I put on my plate. Every. last. thing. Veggies. Fruits. Even things that are very low calorie, like salsa. Even things that have no calories, like hot sauce. It's not just about the calories, it's about accountability and responsibility. I am portioning out a serving of the things I am eating.

I am eating slowly and mindfully, instead of eating while doing other things.

I am ONLY EATING WHEN I AM HUNGRY. This is NOT something I would promote for everyone to do. Studies have shown that for weight loss, it's best to eat small amounts every 3-4 hours. Eating only when I am hungry is not about the weight loss aspect. It's about me getting in touch with what my body needs, WHEN it needs it. It's done so that I'm not eating mindlessly, and consequentially, eating more in a day than is needed.

This has been going well. Last night, I got home from class and I really just felt like exercising... I did not feel hungry, even though I had not eaten in almost 6 hours. I did a short, intense workout (about 25 min) and after, I was ready to eat! I started with something balanced in nutrition, and small in size. It was just enough.

I am writing down everything I eat, and I am keeping a loose mental tally of calories, so that things don't get out of control. I am not logging in a calorie tracker. I will resume that when I get a little more comfortable about recovery... it messes with my brain a little.

I am eating whole, nutritious foods I cook myself. Lean meats, fruit, veggies, good fats, dairy, beans, whole grain starches. Again, it's not for the weight loss factor. These foods are good for my body. These foods do not drive me to distraction. I do not obsess about these foods. I have never binged on veggies, or beans, etc... and I am SURE my husband is thankful about that!

I stated before I would not weigh in until March 16th. I will do that, but curiosity got the best of me this morning, and I weighed in. I have lost weight. If you are interested, you can check out my weight loss ticker. I'm not surprised I lost, but I am surprised at where I am, taking into account my week long sugar "situation". I'm going to ask the hubs to put the scale away for me until my weigh in day, March 16th.

Maybe I will celebrate that weigh-in with a beer the next day!

LOL. SOOO Kidding!

So, that is all right now my friends. I know it will not always feel this good. It will NOT always be easy. But I am loving the rainbow I am riding right now, so I will take it. When times are tough, I know I have the support to help me through - with ME taking the reins, and being responsible for my OWN actions.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Finding Sanity, Day 2

Insanity. That is my life. Total, chaotic insanity. It needs to stop. I am stopping it. But I cannot do it alone.

I have mentioned before that I am a sugar addict. It's total truth. It is truth - but I didn't truly accept it. If I had really accepted it and been honest with myself, I would have known that it had to stop totally. Sugar simply cannot enter my body. It makes me insane. I am like a little crack addict - no lie. I am sure you read about my demise... In truth that has been one of many downslides with sugar and overeating/binging. I can go along just fine for a while - no sugar - no worries. Then, I start to think "I've got this. No problem. I'm not addicted. I can have just a little..." promises of getting "back on track tomorrow" lead to the consumption of oodles of sugar... leading me into severe blood sugar spikes and drops - shaking, sweats, pain. I am not exaggerating. One would think that would lead to the swearing off of this harmful substance. And yet, as soon as the pain subsides, I want more. This can go on for days, weeks, months... The face of addiction, my friends.

I admit to myself that I cannot do this alone, and that I am totally powerless against these substances.* I cannot continue this cycle. It's not just about weight loss now - it's about becoming SANE. Where does my perfectly (well, mostly) rational mind go when I eat that first Cadbury egg? I have no blessed idea. The fact is, right now I don't have to know where it goes. I have to keep it from GOING THERE.

I have reached out for help, and I have found it. Today is Day 2 of my abstaining from sugar and from overeating. I am taking a good, hard look at myself and being totally honest with myself. About everything. From how a food makes me feel physically and emotionally. As someone who is a compulsive overeater and sugar addict - *feeling* the sensations a food creates in my body is NOT something I have ever really done - Usually it's about getting it in and getting the "high". Yes, it tastes good for the first few bites, but after that, the taste dissipates. Other reactions begin: Gas? Bloating? Pain? Aches? Just ignore it. It will go away... till the next time.

I will be asking myself hard questions and doing some serious soul digging. I really don't know what will come up. But whatever it is, it is for the purposes of getting my mind and body in a good, healthy, sane place.

*Let's talk about "powerlessness" for a second. I have fought against this idea for so long. I'm FAR from powerless, dammit! But I had to look at this in a different way. Once I have put this substance in my body (by MY power) I am THEN powerless against the reaction. The chemical, physiological reaction. This reaction makes me LESS able to maintain my control over it again in the short term. The powerlessness is NOT something I can control or fix. HOWEVER, I CAN be powerful and control the putting of that substance IN my body to begin with. That's not easy. No, no... not at all, or we would all be slim and fit and healthy. That is why some of us need to reach out and get help.

Thank God there is help out there. Here is my plan:

Eating - eating 5-6 times per day. No sugar (including things like honey, agave nectar and all those "good for you" sugars), no white flour. I will be eating whole, healthy foods, including fruits, veggies, lean proteins, fats, and starches. (Sound familiar?? LOL) EVERYTHING without exception, will be weighed and measured.

Exercise - I will continue my previous exercise regimen - no reason to change that! I will battle and struggle, and I pray that this work will help me restore my sanity.

Weighing - I will not weigh in for now. Right now, I know what I weigh (within 2-3 lbs) and I will not be weighing again until March 16. I will be weighing in about every month. This plan is about separating myself from obsession with the scale. I need to focus on recovering. The only scale I will visit everyday is the food scale!

Other things that I am working on, that although they are not directly realted to eating and food, help me in my road to recovery: getting my rest (In bed, for sleep, by 10) No TV for approx 1 hour before bedtime. Time for meditation/prayer/relaxation at least one time per day.

I can practically hear the scoffing now - another plan to fail, right? This is different because it HAS to be. Because I refuse to live in this insanity anymore. I am going to be free.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Funnies for the day

Thanks to Jane at Keeping the Pounds Off and Allan at Almost Gastric Bypass for the tough love and little reminder about what the hell I am doing.

I WILL NOT eat the foods that trigger my insanity.
I WILL make the healthy choices I know are good for my body.

Can't say much more right now. But here are some funnies for your day.

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech
in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

27. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

28. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Are you roaring?

The Demise of Me.

Yes, Demise.

I fell off my mountain yesterday. Hardcore. Actually, I took a flying leap off the mountain.

One thing that is funny about that is sometimes you don't even realize you have taken the plunge, or how far down you've come, till you look back up at where you have to go.


I don't need to go into details. But I will say one thing.

Cadbury Creme Eggs are my crack.

I work with people who are what we call poly-substance abusers. Meaning that they abuse more than 2 drugs, usually for an extended period of time. But, there is usually one that they would call their "Devil". Like Crack, or Coke...

For me, it's Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Go ahead, you can laugh. It does sound funny, especially comparing it to cocaine users, but it seriously feels like I start and can't stop.
Ok, fine. Start and can't stop - but it's the STARTING that was MY decision. A very bad decision.

So, this time of year (oh, yeah, Happy Valentines Day all, don't kill yourself with candy, mkay?) Until after Easter (April 8) will be RIPE with these little suckers. Avoiding them totally is my only option. Fer Real.

I also let the bad eating lead me right into NOT going to the gym.

When it rains, it pours, apparently.

I could list SO many reasons why I know yesterday went the way it did. I'm not going to do that. There is NO excuse. Are there reasons that I have to learn from? - YES. If you could find one positive aspect of a binge, it would be that it is a learning experience. But only for those who choose to learn from it.

I choose to learn.

So. Food packed and already logged. Class tonight. Gym for a run after. I have my 5K on March 4. 19 Days and counting.

Today will suck. The first day on the straight and narrow after a binge always sucks. Cravings are raging already, at 8:55 am. If I had one of those damn eggs in front of me, I would absolutly scarf it down eat it. So, sucks to be me.

Onward, soldiers.

Monday, February 13, 2012

When will I learn?

I have to learn that I cannot help everyone. Just because I think it's important to go after your dreams, and to make things work so you are happy, even when it calls for big change, does NOT mean everyone is going to do that. Just because I throw myself into something 1000% does not mean everyone else wants to or should do that.

Even thought I know this, it makes me feel badly. I see someone who could be much happier, but they will not take the steps to do so. Why? Sense of responsibility to others, fear of change... I don't know.

This is super frustrating to me.

For those of you out there who are recovering food addicts - those who have buried feelings in food for year... what do you do now? When you are overwhelmed with *stuff* and you can't *stuff* it down with a pint of ice cream? Where do you put it?

You'd think I would have figured out what to do with my shit by now. You would think I would know how to calm and center myself again. After all, life is full of uproar. But I just don't know.

I'm tracking my food. I am tracking my exercise. Had a great workout on Saturday morning, then neglected to move my body the rest of the weekend, well, exercise wise, anyway. I am feeling good about a plan for food that I have put into place. Feeling empowered to make good decisions and to take responsibility if/when I screw up. If you eat something, and don't track it, I have news for you - you aren't fooling anyone. It still went in your body. It still counts toward your calories. Responsibility, people. Look it up.

I have an exam tonight. My first of my Bio class, which has me on edge. At this point, I just can't wait till it's over. I can't even study anymore. My brain is full.

The good news is, once the exam is done, we can leave class, so I am going right to the gym to do my run. I haven't run in a week, and my 5K is just around the corner. I really, really, really want to run the whole thing. I want to feel prepared. I don't want to die out on the road.

I want to finish feeling empowered. Exhausted, yes, but empowered because I ran the whole way.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Really really really want to snack. FML. Going to bed. Sometimes this really sucks.

Whew... back in action. Well, mostly...

Hello fellow bloggers!

I am feeling quite a bit better than I have the past few days. Not exactly back to perfect, but frankly, probably as close as I am going to get!

So, the menu yesterday changed slightly. Mostly due to the tummy issues.
I ended the day with 1313 calories. My levels (Carbs vs. Protein vs. Fat) are just how I like to see them. It was all logger at LiveStrong

The weird thing about the tummy bug is that I was still hungry, it just hurt when I ate.

Today, I am being extra careful. Because I am feeling closer to normal, my tendency is to eat more... Here is the menu

Click Coffee
3 protein donuts with PB "Icing" (recipe at end, if interested)
Mission Carb Balance wrap, 3 tbs PB (we will talk about this too)
2 polly-o 2% string cheese sticks
Click coffee
(If needed here at work, in addition)
2 Morningstar Veggie Sausage Patties OR 1 cup Kashi Go Lean Cereal
1-2 cups salad greens
1/2 cup fat free refried beans
4 tbs salsa
1/4 cup reduced fat cheese
Night time Snack:
1 sugar free chocolate pudding cup

Totals: WITHOUT addition snack during the day: 1362 cals with levels just where I like them!

If I need one of my other snacks, I will end up around 1450. I don't anticipate I will need one.

Feeling good about this!

Now, the peanut butter - I am going to start pairing back on it a little. It's a big staple for me, and although it's good fat, it's a calorie sucker. I tend to eat quite a bit of it. So, it's going on my to-do list.

Tomorrow will begin with a Tuff Girl Workout. I don't feel prepared for it, because I haven't been very active this week at ALL. I don't like that!
It's funny. I have been going to these workouts for WELL over a year (year and a half??) and I still get nervous going to one. "What if I can't do it?" "What if I am the fattest girl there?" "What if it's too hard and I give up?" On and on... *sigh* maybe one day I will feel confident walking into a physical situation.

Tomorrow night hubs and I are going to have a little date for Valentine’s day. We are going to try a new Vegan restaurant that opened near us. The menu looks amazing, but there is no calorie breakdown. Not sure what to do about that. My current idea is to keep calories SUPER low for the rest of the day, so that I can feel confident I am not going over. Because everything is vegan, I will use other tips like no frying, no breading, ect to make a good choice. When I asked hubby what else he wanted to do, he actually mentioned that we could go to the gym! LOL! How romantic! It's great by me, however! Other options were to go to the casino, see a movie... but honestly, I just want to spend time with him, relaxing (for once!) Time for US and for ME has to be a priority.

I have successfully stayed away from the scale this week. Partly because I know my bug would skew the numbers, and I don't want to be angry when I officially weigh in on Tuesday and I see a different result. All I want is to see SOMETHING. I NEED to see that this new plan is working.


For those of you interested in the protein donuts and "Icing", here is the recipe. It is adapted from Shelly and the "Icing" was a concoction the hubs and I came up with.

Triple Chocolate Protein Donuts (double batch, makes 24 mini donuts):
2 egg, beaten
1/2 cup water
6 tbs sugar free flavored syrup (I used salted caramel!)
1 sugar free chocolate pudding cup
2 tbs canola oil
2 tsp baking powder
1 tbs cinnamon
2 tbs unsweetened cocoa
1 cup chocolate protein powder (I use THIS
1 cup Fiber cereal flour (I use THIS Or a generic store brand. But it HAS to be the "twig" kind.)
In order to make it into flour, grind it up in a food processor.

Mix everything well. It should have the consistancy of brownie batter.
It makes 24 mini donuts. I cook mine in my awesome Donut Maker for 4 minutes each batch.

PB "Icing"
2 tbs natural peanut butter
3-4 tbs plain non fat greek yogurt
2-3 tsp sugar free flavored syrup (I used the salted caramel again!)

Mix this very well until all is incorported.
Spread a small amount on your donuts right before consumption.

The donuts work out to be 47 calories each.
The icing is 250-270 for the WHOLE batch - so depending on how far you spread it will determine your calories.

You can also use Sugar Free chocolate frosting. I tried it, it's yummy, but I didn't like that is was full of saturated fat. No Bueno. Too many calories for no nutrition.

I know this is a super long post. Sorry for that. I guess when I feel better I get chatty. :-)

So, what is on your agenda this weekend? Taking some time for yourself?

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Please read this ridiculous article and laugh with me. OBVIOUSLY it's my PLATE size and the MUSIC I play while I STUFF my face that makes me fat.
Yeah. Ok.

Hilarious Article

menu? What menu??

Still feel like garbage. I tried eating a little for lunch, and I am thinking that was a bad idea. *sigh*

Well, yesterday’s menu went off without a hitch. The only issue was I didn't go for my run at the gym, because by the time I was in my class, I was feeling so sick, I hardly made it through. I wasn't about to go running in the gym and risk an, um, accident.

I ended the day with just over 1400 cals. I was hungry some of the day. What I eat for my calories has to be tweaked a little.

I'm at work, trying to be happy and productive. I have a menu for today, but so far have not been able to eat much of it. Click this morning, water, and I just had my Mission tortilla with natural PB and sugar free jelly.

That is, currently, what my tummy is mad at me about.

Feel dizzy and sluggish. Sure it's some dehydration. Went out for some air on my lunch break and feel a *little* better.

Found out that kids in Thing 2's classroom have cocksacky virus. It's super contagious and I know Thing 2 will get it. His little immune system just can't catch up. I cannot take any more time off of work, because I am currently in the NEGATIVE for PTO. Thankfully I have an understanding boss, but it's becoming out of control. Sometime (more than sometimes) i wonder if working full time is worth it... but it's all connected, work pays for daycare/school(for Thing 1, this is a MUST) work pays for my school, school keep student loans away, school moves me closer to my goals...

So, not much of this post is weight loss/fitness related at all. Just crap related. Literally and figuratively.

Small entry, more later

I will be back in a bit to update yesterday and let you know whats on the agenda for today.
I will say that I have ANOTHER stomach bug. I don't know where I got THIS one from, since no one else in the house is sick (knock on wood) but I've been in pain since yesterday, all night and now today. Focusing righg now on getting fluids in... ugh. Want. To. Die.
Here are lyrics to a Metallica song that Stephen Vinson postd on his blog today. I loved them. As Stephen mentions, it was probably written about drug addiction, but I think we all know that food addiction can be just as dangerous...

If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm at karma’s burning
Or look ahead but keep on turning

Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know?

Could I have my wasted days back?
Would I use them to get back on track?

You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it

My lifestyle determines my death style
My lifestyle determines my death style

Keep searchin’
Keep on searchin’
This search goes on
This search goes on

Keep searchin’
Keep on searchin’
This search goes on
This search goes on

Frantic tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

I’ve worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I’ve made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry

Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know?

Worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I’ve made

You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it
You live it or lie it

My lifestyle determines my death style
My lifestyle determines my death style

Keep searchin’
Keep on searchin’
This search goes on
This search goes on

Keep searchin’
Yeah, keep on searchin’
This search goes on
On and on

Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know?

Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know?

Oh, my lifestyle determines my death style
A rising tide that pushes to the other side
My lifestyle determines my death style
A rising tide that pushes to the other side

Keep searchin’
Keep on searchin’
This search goes on
On and on

Keep searchin’
Keep on searchin’
This search goes on
On and on

Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock
Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Todays Menu 1200-1400

Todays Menu:

This menu is between 1200-1400 calories (see last snack for discrepancy)

Breakfast, Click protein coffee, 2 Morningstar Farms sausage patties, 3/4 cup fiber cereal
Lunch: salad with 1 cup romain lettuce, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/4 cup reduced fat cheese, 10 slices Hormel Turkey Peppersoni, 2 tbs Good Seasons salad dressing (prepped with less oil), 2 Polly-O reduced fat cheese stick, 6 Strawberries
Snack: baked apple with cinnamon (just cinnamon, nothing else added), Click coffee
On way to school: 1/2 Mission Carb balance tortilla, 2 tbs natural PB, 1 tsp sugar free strawberry jam
On way to gym, if needed: Cherry Pie Lara Bar.

Total this will put me at 1200 cals, if I include the Lara bar @ 200, it will put me at 1400. We will have to see how hungry I am. I would rather try and put it off till I get home when I can have something more substantial after the gym.

I admit I am feeling hungry right now. Lunch was only an hour and a half ago. I'm going to keep working to find solutions in my calorie budget that keep me from getting too hungry. Too hungry = low blood sugar = not nice girl who can't concentrate. :-)

Perhaps more later. We shall see.

A loooong post, renewed strategy

This is going to be a long one, my friends.

Ok. Yesterday, I slide about halfway down my mountain. Not just with food, but with my exercise, and even with the rest of my life.

I made the decision, yes, the conscious decision, to eat whatever I wanted. Inner Fat Girl HAPPILY took over and ran amuck.

I don't need to go into the disgusting details. Let's just say it involved quite a bit of dark chocolate, pizza for dinner, and a cupcake from Sugar Bakery.

In my (very, very weak) defense: I still ate my salad I packed for lunch, got lots of veggies in, and I (gulp) tracked it all.

Not only did I eat like a moron, but I skipped the gym. Not only did I skip the gym, I skipped my class.

I went home, ate pizza and a cupcake with my kids, and spent the evening playing with them on the floor. Crawling around the floor, chasing a 4 year old and 18 month old playing "tickle monster" must work off SOME of that pizza right? ;-)

I am NOT defending myself against the deadly garbage I put into my body. But, it could have been a TON worse, and in some ways, it was just what I needed. Or rather, it lead me to exactly what I needed, which was time home with my family, playing. Not worried about work, class, food, exercise, dishes, a torn apart bathroom... just being in the moment, savoring every moment of my boys laughter.

And don't worry - after consuming that cupcake, I knew I was in trouble. It sat light a rock in my tummy and then came the pain... ohhh the pain. The pain of my poor body screaming "What the f*&^ are you doing to me???"

I'm truly sorry, body!

Lesson learned.

I ended the evening with a meditation (after watching the Biggest Loser. More on that later) and slept well. No children up during the night, which is practically a miracle.

In the midst of my madness, I was hatching a plan. A new plan. Yes, I know... it seems like every other blog post I am changing things. Well, I guess I am still figuring out what is working for me. I did the protein only thing (which worked after surgery!) and it worked for a little bit.

Now, maybe my portions started creeping, I'm honestly not sure, but for whatever reason, it's not working anymore. This is an obvious conclusion for my gains the past few weeks.

So, here we go. Changing the plan.

1. Measuring and weighing EVERYTHING. Assumptions do not work. Just when you *think* you know what a portion size is, just check yourself. You will likely be surprised.
2. Tracking Everything. I got away from this because of some mental things. The facts don't lie. Calories in/out is the end all, be all of weight loss. Yes, there are some metabolic issues at play, but not enough for the majority of people to make it work. After all, that is the purpose of weight loss surgery. It makes your stomach smaller so you cannot eat as much, therefore cutting your calorie consumption. Yes, other effects (Dumping syndrome, reduction in Ghrelin) also play a role, but the majority is a calorie deficit goal.
3. Reducing (slightly) my protein intake, reducing fat, upping my whole grains. Now, when I say whole grains, I'm not talking about the "Whole Grains" that the cereal companies use in their Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. No, I'm talking bringing back beans and legumes, and high fiber carbohydrates, like starchy veggies and whole oats.
4. My calories will be kept between 1200 - 1500. Today, for example, I have 1226 calories with me (it's my long day and I won't be home till after 8:00). I planned for 1200, and gave myself wiggle room so if, when I get home I am starving; I have a few more calories to play with.
5. Make my exercise schedule with real life in mind, and stick to it.
6. Work on non "weight-loss" items in my life, such as my stress level. Begin to include meditations, prayer and quiet time often through the day/week.
7. Begin to go to bed (to SLEEP, not WATCH TV) earlier. I need more rest, without a doubt.
8. Work on my terrible habit of ripping skin off my fingers. I know, it's pretty much as gross as it sounds. My skin is super dry and I absently pick at it through the day. The result is very painful fingers. It's a habit I have had for as long as I can remember.

I know this post is already super long, but it's important to me to put all this down. I need to work on my overall person, and not *just* my weight.

I will post more later, including my menu for the day, which is already tracked on MyPlate at Livestrong, and my bitch session about the Biggest Loser.

I may change my strategy, but I will NEVER quit. I will NEVER give up. We are fighting for our lives here, guys! We MUST fight on.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Feeling pretty low, and not in the good way...

Feelin' like shit. Yeh, I said it.

Peaked at the scale. Still at 213.

Muther F**ker.

I am working my ass off.

Well, apparently not.

Unbelievably tired. Worn out. Worn down. Stressed. Overwhelmed.
Had an awesome workout Saturday. Ran on Sunday. Felt really good.
I was CONVINCED that scale would say something quite a bit lower than last week.


Obviously, I am doing something wrong. AGAIN.

I've gotten the suggestion to add some very whole grains (wheat berries, quinoa, whole oats) back into the diet, in moderation. Nothing refined. Cut down the fat a smidge. Keep the exercise going. See what happens.

I'm sliding down my mountain, kids. Slowly but surely.

I feel like taking a flying leap. Right into a pile of... well, I won't go into the sugar filled treats I can think of. It's a mute point.

I've been feeling good, and when I blogged this weekend, mostly it was because I actually felt that good, but some of it was my own internal pep-talk. I was really trying hard to talk myself into feeling totally confident.

What is the point of feeling like you accomplished something great (like, not eating carbs at my family get together) when it's not giving you the outcome you want? WTF? I should have just eaten whatever I freakin wanted over my moms on Saturday night. I'd still be in the same damn place!

Sorry for the crappy mood, guys. Just needed to vent it.

Feeling really, really down.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Sunday, Sunday

Good morning, Blog-land

Sunday morning. Filled with relaxed, quiet moments, sipping coffee, reading the paper...

Oh, wait, that's not my life! Let me start again...

Sunday morning. Filled with screaming, crabby children with 17 hands, poopy diapers and a husband that is hell bent on getting our second bathroom redone this weekend. Awesome.

But let's revisit yesterday.

I started the day off with a SWEET workout at Tuff Girl. I didn't feel like I was going to see the light during it or anything, but I am SUPER sore today!

I came home to see the downstairs bathroom sink, and counter top on the porch. Umm, oookkk. I didn't know this was happening today! The hubby decided to start ripping apart the bathroom. *sigh*. Ok. So, gather said crabby children and go to home improvement store for flooring and paint. After a very frustrating hour, we were off back home. I'm not going to go into the whole day, but lets just say it involved lots of people over the house, and no time at all for hanging with the kids as I had hoped. I did take them for a walk at one point, even though it was cold, so we could just get out of the chaos that was our home.

Last night was my family's first "ladies night" since Mima passed away. It was wonderful, and a little sad. We all got together, looked at Mimas old pictures, and had a ball.
Of course, there was food. Did you think there wouldn't be?

I made my fabulous mini-bites with lean pastrami and low fat cheddar cheese. I knew my mom was making our light version on buffalo chicken dip (chicken breast, plain Greek yogurt, tiny bit of light blue cheese dressing, low fat cheese and of course, lots of hot sauce).

What else was there? Well, things like fried ravioli, stuffed potato skins, chips, crackers, dips, crescent rolls stuffed with...something... it all looked really yummy.

I, however, stuck with my plan. Some bites, some buffalo chicken dip (with celery I found in my moms fridge)... and that, my friends,is all.

When they busted out the red velvet cookies with cream cheese frosting, and the apple cake? I made myself a Click shake. That, some water, a little diet Dr. Pepper, was my whole menu for the evening.

I must say, I was exceedingly proud. It would have been SUPER DUPER easy to go off plan, with no one ever thinking twice. I stayed my course.

I could get into the fact that 3 other people there have had weight loss surgery and were eating all said items, and drinking, but, I won't. ;-)

Sunday morning blooms to more bathroom fixing. Thank God it is almost done. The house is in shambles and I want my kitchen back (everything from the bathroom went into the kitchen. I could barely make coffee this morning!)

I plan on running today, even though I'm sore from yesterday. It's mostly my upper body.

I could care less about the Super Bowl, but the in-laws are having a Super Bowl Party we are expected to be at. This will mean another food challenge, including some of my favorites (pizza, cupcakes from a local bakery that won Cupcake Wars on Food Network. OMG, they are ridiculous) I'd rather drop off the kids and have some relaxing time with the hubby, but we will see.

Stay the course, my friends! Teetering on the edge of your mountain is one thing - allowing yourself to fall down the mountain only to have to climb back up again is not acceptable! Do not LET it be acceptable for you! You deserve better!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Strength and Perseverance!

Normally I get to post while I am at work. Today was another unexpected day off. Earlier in the week, one kid was out of school with a fever, and today, it was the other. Somehow, it always ends up being me who has to take the day with the kids. I have absolutely NO time left at work.

Actually, I have negative time. I actually had to take today unpaid.

The hubs has 2 weeks worth of PTO sitting. But, he won't call out, because his bosses are total assholes who will write him up if he calls out. It doesn't matter why. He could be taking care of sick children, or having a spa day - to them it makes NO difference. Bastards. Every time I get some PTO hours banked, someone gets sick. I'm never going to have vacation time to go visit brother in Seattle this summer, or to get my plastic surgery (which I had hoped to get done in the fall).

I am SO grateful that my supervisor is a PEACH. She is very understanding about the time. I just love her. Thank GOD for her.

Feeling very good. Was in a very tumultuous place yesterday. My hubby was there for me and supported me through a severe binge craving. (PLEASE NOTE: I said CRAVING.) This binge did NOT occur. My hubby was a pillar and between him and rallying my own strength, I made it through.
I did NOT go off plan. I did NOT binge.

So, today's eating was really good. I was so busy keeping the kids entertained, I didn't have time to wander aimlessly to the kitchen. I got in breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner, with no extraneous munching.

When hubby came home, I went directly outside for my run. I decided I was badass and I was going to take the big hills in my condo complex. I ALMOST made it up the steepest one we have in the complex. My body literally stopped running SO close to the end of my run section. I guess the not-being-able-to-breath thing had something to do with it. LOL. I WILL conquer that hill, damn it! Just maybe not today.

I did my C25K run, and extended it a bit. I'm trying to push myself a little beyond where the program says I am at - running a little longer, taking on hills, doing a few extra run/walk intervals after the program has technically stopped. It feels good. I think I could have kept going this evening, but it was getting dark and it was COLD. So, I made my way back to the house very happy with my progress.

I have to share my dinner tonight. It was the most awesome salad. Dark, leafy romaine lettuce, red pepper, carrots, broccoli, shredded turkey breast, a few slices of turkey pepperoni, sprinkle of low fat cheese, and a small amount of dried cranberries and almonds for a little treat. Oil and vinegar drizzle and I was in HEAVEN. It was seriously filling and delicious!

Tomorrow morning starts the weekend off with a bang with a Tuff Girl workout. Then, it's a wonderful, family filled weekend. I am VERY excited about it! Spending some great time with my little Tribe, and then tomorrow night is a "Girls Night" get together with all the ladies of my family. We do this every once in a while, and we ALWAYS have a blast.

So, what's on the menu for such an evening? Well, everyone is making horsdevoirs. I'm making little protein packed bites, but I'm a little nervous about what else will be there and if I will be tempted at all. Ok, scratch that, I WILL be tempted, and I WILL NOT give in. I know my mom is making a dish I can eat, and my bites will be great for me too. Of course it's the potential desserts that I am terrified a little nervous about.

I'm excited about my upcoming weigh in - yes, you read that right. I feel like my triumph over the potential binge and my strength in staying on my eating and exercise plan will pay off for me this week. I KNOW that staying strong through a gain is the hardest thing for me, and I am absolutely persevering.

Be strong, my friends! Soldier on, even when things are not going the way we think they should!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Great Read

Read this: It helped me stay away from the sugar today. One day at a time my friends.


Will update later....

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

New week, plan tweak

Whew. I'm here. I promise.

Yesterday was an unexpected day off of work, so posting was tough.

As we know, it is Wednesday, and it is my weigh-in day.


This, my friends, is a gain.

Now, being someone who has been on plan 100% of the time, working out, running, etc... there should be outrage, right?

Nope. No outrage. Maybe there should be, but there's not.

Let me take you back for a moment to the old Kelliann (the pesky Inner Fat Girl), who would have immediately said something like
"Screw this. If I'm going to gain weight, I might as well do it eating whatever I want"

IFG would then proceed to eat all the sugary junk she could get her hands on. Some greasy fried food for good measure. She would justify it over and over - getting "back on track tomorrow"

But, it NEVER happens that way, does it.

Buzz back to the present. I see a 2 lbs gain on the scale. I scan over the past week - no cheating, lots of activity... hmm... lots of stress, not great water over the weekend...hmmm...could that have been it? I don't think that's 2 lbs... hmmm...

I've been doing a lot more strength training/weight training. Could it be muscle gain? 2 lbs in a week? Hmmm... doubtful.

So, now what do I do? I evaluate what I am putting in my mouth. I am a low-carber. Perhaps, in actuality, I am going a little too high in calories and/or fat than I perceive.

Then, I make a plan of action. I will focus this week on high protein, low carb, low fat foods. Lower fat foods mostly means lower in calories as well, so that will lower my calorie intake automatically. I will cut way down on my peanut butter consumption, and not make another batch of protein donuts. (They are VERY good, stat wise, but, who knows, it could be the culprit!)

I will, in other words, tweak a bit, and continue on. I will persevere. I will continue my exercise as is mapped out. I will continue to eat low carb. I will up my water. I will attempt to find some time to de-stress.

I will do whatever it takes

I will get down to my goal weight (180, if you're interested). I will pursue plastic surgery for my belly and arms (insurance is going to regret the day they denied me for my tummy tuck. 3 different antibiotic creams later, and my dermatologist is willing to stand up in COURT that it should be covered). If insurance doesn't cover it? Well, it will STILL happen. Because I deserve it. Because I have worked hard (and will continue to work hard) for a strong, fit body that isn't plagued with painful rashes and flopping skin. The last plastics doc I saw stated there is 15-20 lbs of excess skin to be removed. After that is done, I will be 200 lbs down from my starting weight.

And I will get there, my friends. Oh yes.

Watch me.

One gain in this grand scheme doesn't mean shit. It's what you do AFTER the gain that counts. You gonna let yourself fall down the mountian??? WHY?? So it takes you 3x longer to climb back up? Or, are you going to keep your balance, and keep moving forward?

Doesn't make much sense to let yourself fall off the mountain when you don't have to, does it?

Shit.... hmmm... maybe THAT'S the problem! :-)