Friday, June 29, 2012

Friday Weigh-in. Where is my goal? More advice needed please!

Warning - this is a long post with a lot of details.

Good morning, my blogger peeps...

So I weighed in officially this morning, fully expecting to see the same number as YESTERDAY.

But I didn't. I did not see 204.4

I saw 205.4

Are you F'ing kidding me?

Now look, I know for a fact that I didn't gain a real pound of fat overnight. However, I have no explanation for this at all. I mean, I seriously have been COMPLETLY dilligent about weighing, measuring, logging. My calories have been awesome.

I have no logical explanation.
I have no real words, honestly.
So, I need to obviously make more changes.

This is my meal plan for today. I will note then changes that I think may need to be made...

Click (espresso protein powder - 2 scoops, 1 serving) and 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, water, ice. ** (160 cals total)
B: Morningstar Vegetarian sausage** (160 cal) , 1 oz (2 tbs) natural peanut butter (peanuts and salt, only)(200 cal)
L: 1 romaine heart, (16 cal) .5 red bell pepper (15 cals), .5 serving (about 7) baby carrots (17.5 cals), 2 tbs less-oil home made salad dressing (Good Seasons) (70 cals), 1/2 cup garbanzo beans (110 cals).
S: 1 peach (179 grams) (66 cals)
D: I'm actually not sure yet. I have logged all of the above, and it gives me a whopping 269 calories left for dinner. Looks like another salad would be in the works.

** So, these are the things I think I need to change. The Click is great. It's got protein, is very low in sugar, and I treat it as my coffee in the morning. However, I think the time has come to get rid of it. That is 160 calories better used elsewhere. It's not a whole food.
**The Morningstar Farms veggie sausage is soy based. It has become a staple for me. However, I think perhaps, because it is more processed, that it should go as well.

So, this is a fairly typical day for me. I like to eat a lot of the same foods over and over. Lunch may be this salad, or it may be 1 cup of vegetarian chili, or ground chicken breast or turkey breast made into chili or spiced Mexican style. I also do mini meatballs made of the above, with homemade tomato sauce (NO jar sauce for this girl! YUCK)

One thing noticeably absent today that is normal is cheese. I DO eat cheese. I eat Cabot 75% less fat cheddar (60 cals per 1 oz) almost exclusively. And because I was moving away from meat, I was using it more for protein. At max, I was eating 4 oz a day (at various times), or as little as 2 oz. I will likely have 2 oz tonight with my dinner, depending on what I have.

A few more bad habits I need to break. I love Diet Dr. Pepper. way. too. much. This, I know, must go. Nutritionally devoid crap. I currently drink about 16 oz a day. Also, just recently, (and MUCH easier to part with) is using a little Crystal Light in my water. No need. It's already gone. I drink about 70 oz of water a day.
One last thing to add is I exercise in some form at least 5 days per week. 3 of those days are HIIT workouts, tabata and circuit style workouts. The others are cardio (running, cardio kickboxing). I am lifting weights around 2x per week.

I am laying it out there, totally honestly. Because I REALLY want to know what the hell I am doing wrong.

So, what do I need from YOU - my blogger peeps?? I need the following, if you would be so kind:

-Honest appraisal of a day-in-my-food, as above. Do you think the switches I am thinking of would work?
-Ideas for breakfast - I like oatmeal, but I am hungry like, an hour later, even with adding some PB and fruit. I do NOT like eggs, usually, so a basic scrambled or hard boiled egg is not going to do it. They make me gag. It also needs to be something I can have at work.

Of course, any other thoughts are appreciated. Even if it's just to say to keep going the way I am going. Maybe it just needs more time? Why won't my body respond to this, dammit?? I want this SO BAD.

Thanks guys!

ETA: Some other foods I eat that I didn't think of earlier - sometimes I will have 1/2 sweet potato, or corn. On occasion I will eat quinoa. These are all portioned and weighed and of course logged. These are really the only starches I eat right now. I also use 1-2 servings (5-10) green olives on my salad. Which leads me to my next addition:
SALT - duh?? Why was I not thinking of this? MUST. WORK. ON. DECREASING. SALT.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

How is this different??

Yes, I got on the scale this morning and peaked again. I imagined what it would say - showing me that finally, counting my calories to a tee, exercising and making sure I had a 1000 calorie deficit on 95% of my days, and on days it wasn't at 1000, there was still a deficit was going to really work. Not only am I counting my calories, but I am using the carories I have on good, whole, clean, nutritious food. I just KNEW these things were paying off!!


These things are NOT paying off. Not on the scale anyway.

2-f'ing-04 is where I have been for f'ing EVER.

I know, I know exactly what you are all going to say "You can't measure your success my the numbers... " I understand this. I really, really do. But I also cannot believe that this body is meant to be over 200 f'ing pounds for the rest of my life. It's not possible.

So, how is this different from every other time I have been here? Well, what's different is that I know what I am doing is right. I KNOW that Calories In VS. Calories Out is the solution. So, this time, no matter what the scale says, I have to keep towing the line. I just need to keep doing what I am doing. There cannot be any other way. Before this, I would have taken a look at that scale and said "screw this. I can be 204 eating whatever I want. I don't need this". But not now. I MUST focus on the big picture:

1. I feel GOOD eating this way. I never have GI issues, feel overly full, or feel ravenously hungry (well, I guess on occasion I do. See HERE)
2. My workouts make me feel powerful, strong and healthy. Not only do they make me FEEL that way, they just plain MAKE me that way
3. This kind of diet and exercise plan helps keep the following away: cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, raging obesity, aches, pains, etc.
4. I am teaching my children how to eat properly for their growing bodies. They will lead healthier lives because of this.

So, I am focusing on the big picture. Big Picture, Big Picture...I'm still dissapointed to be in the same place. So close to a goal I set so long ago, and still not there. The lump in my throat is not from food, but emotion.

Official weigh in is not till tomorrow. Of course, I will report back.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Pull it together, man!

Ok, I have to get a grip on myself right now.

This is one of those days we all run into - the super hungry days. For whatever reason (I could speculate my ass off, but, whatever) there are some days where I am fine just eating my plan, without being *too* hungry (I mean, a little hungry when getting toward your next meal is fine!) and then there are days like this.
I should have known it was coming. I went to upstairs with the idea of hitting the hay a little early, but my stomach was EATING ITSELF. I was freaking starving. I tried to go to sleep, and it literally kept me awake. Ok, belly, you win. 1 polly-o string cheese to shut you up. So, I ended up 20 calories over my allotment. Obviously not stressing about this.

Anyway, so today, I have been unbelievably starving all day. I have already eaten my snack that was meant for me right before Tuff Girl tonight. I have already eaten an individual size bag of pretzels. Umm, 160 calories of nutritionally devoid crap. SO not worth it. I am still hungry. Well, duh. I seriously need to get a grip on this before it gets out of control.

Grip gotten.

I logged everything, including my dinner for after workout and I am at 1446 cals today. This is over where I like to be right now, but I am also going to be doing a super intense workout, so I'm still on the weight-loss trend calorie wise. I also have a feeling I will be very hungry after this workout as well, and my salad, while awesome and delish, will likely not cut it all evening. But, lots of water, hot shower and bed might just look more appealing.

So, this is me, checking in and getting a hold of myself. I leave work in 50 minutes, when I will head right to Tuff Girl for The Fighter workout. It's a new one. I like going to new ones, because then I don't know what I am in for until I am there, a hot sweaty, grunting, lifting, bad-ass mess. *Sigh* Love.  

Do you guys have days like this? Can you attribute it to anything in particular (I could complain that it's that time of the month, or I'm exercising more, blah, blah. Or it could all be in my damn head! Nah... I really AM hungry!)

Last night I did my awesome at-home core workout, in order to preserve my still-sore (annoying) leg for today. This is my core workout:

30 bicycle crunches (30 each leg)
40 second left side plank
40 second right side plank
60 second forearm plank
40 reverse crunches
40 second left side plank
40 second right side plank
40 standard crunches
10 leg lowers (lowered til lower back begins to arch up) – hold last lower in low position for 10 seconds
60 second forearm plank on gliders* or 30 seconds with one leg extended and switch

Rest about a minute, whine a little repeat

I was shaking and sweating out those planks, but I did them. I know this is a good workout, because I NEVER want to do the round again! LOL

Ok, I'm outtie. If I get ravenous later, I may come back and whine here so as to not wander into the kitchen.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Business Plan, "It's not fair" and walking randomness

It's been just a little slower at work than normal, so today I decided to work on my business plan. Some of you may remember way back when I started this blog that is was not only about weight loss and fitness, but about my changing careers. I am in school to become a Registered Dietitian. What am I going to do with that, you might ask? Well, I am pursuing my dream of opening a weight loss and wellness center. So, I am working on my mission statement today.

Mission statements are HARD to write. The language has to be dynamic, and everything has to be concise. One thing I am stuck on is it's asking me to make a statement about the companies growth and potential - hm, since I don't have a business yet, how can I make this statement? I'm sure it some kind of business savvy, mathematics based equation, but hell if I know it! Any business people reading this wanna help a girl out? ;-)

As I was walking at lunchtime today, I listened to a lot of pieces of conversations. It gave me pause that I heard quite a few people talking about "running this morning", or some kind of gym activity. These people looked fit. Well, you might be thinking "duh", but it occurs to me that people who are fit are, most of the time, really working on it. I remember long ago thinking
"It's NOT FAIR! Some people can just eat whatever they want and not exercise and they are skinny!" (pout, pout).
But I think the truth is, in this day and age, in order to achieve and maintain a healthy weight, people really do need to eat right and exercise. If you don't, well, your body will show it. I know for SURE that your health will show it.

I did not weigh myself this morning, and I don't plan on it till Friday morning. I was thinking about my goal, and I acknowledge to myself that it's a little lofty. I mean, we are talking about approx 4 lbs in the next 10 days - doing everything the right way (not with some crazy juice/fast/cleanse nonsense). I am exercising, I am counting every calorie, weighing and measuring everything, logging everything. I am drinking all my water.

As I was walking in from my car this morning (it was a GORGEOUS morning, by the way, and taking the 15 walk from the parking lot and a walk at lunch helps keep me active during the day) I was visualizing what it will feel like to see that number on the scale. The number that has anything EXCEPT a 2- in front of it.

I will see 199

How will it feel?

Overwhelming and explosive.

I know, that sounds funny. But as I was thinking about it, I felt that pride just bursting in my chest. Exploding. Tears actually started to well up a little as I thought about it. I would call for the hubs so he could see the glory. All that I have worked for, coming to fruition.

It will fuel me to keep going.

I am SO close.

Then I stopped - what will I do, if on 7/6 I DON'T see this "magic" number.

Well, I would be lying if I said I would be totally ok. There WILL be disappointment. HOWEVER, I KNOW I likely be at the lowest weight I have seen in my adult life, and THAT will still be something. I also know that if I don't see it on 7/6, I will see it VERY soon after.

So, what kind of randomness do YOU think about during the day? While you are walking?

Soldier on, my friends!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Update on advice and the weekend

First, thanks to every one who gave me the advice I was seeking this weekend. You are all awesome to take time for me.

I decided on Saturday night to approach the situation from a different angle. A few things I may not have been clear about is my husbands very real family history of heart attack and other heart issues. His dad had his first heart attack at 38! I may also not have been clear that hubby CONSTANTLY says he wants to be healthy, he wants to eat right, exercise, etc... And don't get me wrong, I have been there. Wanting to, and not doing, and feeling miserable.

So, on Saturday evening, I asked him casually how he thought things were going with his diet modifications and exercise. He immediately said "Not good at all. I think I really need your help". Woh!! So, I asked him what he would like me to help with. I really wanted HIM to guide how this conversation would go, and what decisions would be made. He said he was tired of floundering and he needed me to be more firm with things. I offered to weight, measure and pack his breakfast and lunch on weekdays and he said that would really help. While we were talking, I told him it felt like we were starting down 2 different paths and it scared me. He agreed, which was a relief. So, we have a plan in place, and he really wants my help. Stay tuned for updates...

So, update on me... I am feeling so good. I am hitting into obstacles and I am feeling very good about handling them. I went to a Pampered Chef Party (for those who don't know - these are fancy kitchen gadget parties that ALWAYS have tons of food) and I brought a snack and drank water like a fish. SUPER proud. Was totally on plan/on calorie goals all weekend. I was prepared to go over my calories yesterday by a little bit to accommodate my favorite evening snack, but found it just didn't matter to me all that much, so I didn't both with it. Score!

Went back to Tuff Girl on Saturday and rocked it. My wrist feels mostly better, as does my leg. I still modified a *little* to keep things from getting worse, but I still got a fantastic workout in. I felt amazing. My body really hurt on Sunday, and I love every second. I love that sore feeling, because you KNOW you worked hard and pushed through. Masochistic? Maybe a little!

Sunday was cardio kickboxing. The weekend besides was filled with chores and family time. It was nice, but as most weekends, it went too fast... Can't wait until I am making  healthy living my career and I am able to make my own hours again!

A little weigh in sneak peek (Yes, yes, I peeked) 203.4 this morning!!


Friday, June 22, 2012

Relationship tension? Advice needed...

I'm am looking for a little advice, guys...
I need to hear from the ladies out there whose relationships have changed because of your healthy lifestyle shift.
I never thought I would be one of those, but sometimes I feel like the Hubs and I are going in completely different directions. He has always tried to be supportive, and I appreciate him so much... but he's not interested in really, truly engaging himself in a healthier way of living, and it makes it difficult for he and I to relate right now. He's pretty miserable with anything we ever have in the house to eat. I try to get him to do things with me and he doesn't want to. He complains that he is tired all the time - but it's because he has weight to lose and is not active.
I'm frustrated. More than ever I am feeling like he doesn't want me to lose any more weight. And I love him, but that is too damn bad. I WILL get to my goal, whether he is with me or not.
This divide is more far reaching than just figuring out dinner and exercising. His fatigue is affecting the rest of our relationship as well...
Well, I just needed to vent. If anyone reading has any advice - please - I'm all ears...

weigh-in and recap

Yes... he is a graduate. Yes... I cried (but only a little) . Yes... there was an all-out-total-and-complete meltdown by Thing 2 on the way home, since he is normally in bed by 7, and it was almost 8 before we were even on our way home. I figured. It happens.

My plan for dinner last night worker out very well. The best part was that I got home with enough time to eat some dinner and not be starving by the time we got there. The second best part was that the focus was certainly NOT on the food. BIG plus. While I was there, I ate 2 strawberries and 1 carrot stick. I know that sounds funny, but that's the truth. Of course running after the 5 year old and the 2 year old helped.

I will also admit I ate 2 pretzel rods in my "munchy meeting". I logged them. My calories for yesterday were still right on. Remember. however, that for me, it's not just about the calorie content, but that foods like that (snacky or sugary) can cause a flood-gate-opening like dilemma for me. I don't think this happened. I was able to maintain total control over myself last night.

I weighed in this morning: 204.8. This means a few things.
A: I have 5 lbs to lose in 2 weeks to make my goal. It's a lot, but I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.
B: Hmm, nope, pretty much means just #1.

I am preparing to go to my Tuff Girl workout tomorrow. I am very nervous. My wrist still hurts a little (although not wearing the brace) and my calf still hurts. I don't know if I should push it or not. I already have butterflies. I just wish that at least my damn leg would get better already. I'm sick of it. It feels like such a small muscle that's pulling, but as soon as I put pressure on the ball of my foot, that muscle is on FIRE. This is still very, very frustrating.

OH, OH, OH - I will get my new amazing sneakers today!! Perhaps they will help magically heal my leg?? Can I get an AMEN!?!?!

TGIF everyone. I hope you all are feeling good, are injury free and getting out and making your goals happen. Soldier on!!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The misadventures of weighing and measuring...

As predicted, my abs are feeling a bit achy today. Yahoo!

Seriously, this is the slowest afternoon! I just want to get work overwith so I can see my sweet baby Thing 1 graduate from Pre-K today! They have the little caps and everything! Too freaking cute, dammit!

I can't believe my baby is going into kindergarten... Ok, I know, I'll stop... *sigh*

I figured something out this morning. Yes, it was a big face-palm-duh moment. I use my digital scale to weigh all my foods. Well, way back I decided to weigh my PB instead of taking out the annoying tablespoons. Well, when I went about weighing out a tablespoon at that time, it must have been off.  I must have overfilled my Tbs, but I was just sure that, after all my calculating, etc, that 2 tbs of PB was 1.6 oz. I was just SURE of it. So, every morning, I would weigh out exactly 1.6 oz of PB.

2 tbs of PB is 1.0 oz, not 1.6 oz.

If I had just looked a little harder at the damn label, I could have seen that.

This means, I was effectively having 3 tbs of pb, when I thought I was having 2, and I've been having about 2 when I thought I was awesome-sauce and had cut it to 1.

That's 100 extra calories each time I had a serving. Sometimes I had 2 servings a day! 200 extra calories in a day, folks!


Ok, well, I have certainly learned from this. Obviously weigh and measure everything, but also really check out the lables. The serving size is listed in TBS, OZ and GRAMS... take your pick!

I also learned that 1 Tbs of PB (.5 oz) is REALLY not very much. *pout*

It's the end of the day, I am stressing about getting out of here and getting to graduation, and I am hungry and MUNCHY. DAMN. I have no food left for the day... ate it all. PLUS I am ending my day at the infamous "munchy meeting" where the doc we work with is kind and brings in snacks for everyone. LOTS of snacks, that everyone dives into like they haven't eaten all day. I am going to need prayers to get through this one.

And tissues to get through tonight!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sweaty core workout, and figuring out "the line"

Good evening bloggers!

So, while I am still frustrated by my injuries, not doing SOME kind of workout tonight was just not an option. My injuries are a substantial reason for me not to participate in my intense cardio Tuff Girl workout, for fear of worsening things, but I just had to come up with something to keep myself moving forward. It's not just a physical thing, it's also a mental thing. So, here it is, my "Core (cause dammit I couldn't do cardio tonight) workout:

30 bicycle crunches (30 each leg)
40 second left side plank
40 second right side plank
60 second forearm plank
40 reverse crunches
40 second left side plank
40 second right side plank
40 standard crunches
10 leg lowers (lowered til lower back begins to arch up) – hold last lower in low position for 10 seconds
60 second forearm plank on gliders* or 30 seconds with one leg extended and switch

Rest about a minute, repeat

I knew this workout was great when I really, really, REALLY did NOT want to do it again once I was through it the first time! LOL. I was DRIPPING with sweat and shaking!

*So, I don't own gliders, so I used 2 folded up tee-shirts that were headed for the laundry anyway. On my pergo floor, they worked just like gliders. 

The side planks are great, because they also work my shoulders and some back muscles as well. One thing for sure - I will feel my abs tomorrow. 

What it comes down to is this: I cannot let anything get in my way. I can never stop trying to get to my goals. Not going to Tuff Girl tonight is not an excuse. Not figuring out something else to do that will move me closer to my goals - THAT would have been an excuse.

I guess I am figuring out that line after all. 


Well, I am in my wrist brace again and I am once again limping.

I guess I just have to give my calf more time to heal. Of course, as soon as it was feeling better, I went right back to working it hard. The first day was ok, but probably because I was still being careful. Last night I did a Tabata workout. It was great, but only 25 minutes, so I decided to rewind it and do it a second time. Well, right at the beginning of the 2nd time through, I felt that stabbing pain in my right calf. DAMMIT. I stopped right away instead of pushing through and making it worse.

I am wearing the brace because my wrist is still really achy if I don't wear it. This is probably because I was not a compliant patient and did not wear the brace for a week as instructed. Don't roll your eyes. What?? I admitted I am non-compliant!

I am just so frustrated with my body. I want so badly to push myself and I don't want to make any excuses. I have a hard time seeing the line where excuses meet actual issue. Is there a way to get through my Tuff Girl workout today without hurting myself more? No. I don't think so. I e-mailed my trainer and she said sometimes you just have to listen to your body, rest and heal, and concentrate on your food.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Maybe it's good I only semi-hurt myself last night, so that I don't seriously hurt myself tonight? Maybe I need to just focus on my diet? I don't know, but whatever this is telling me, it is most obviously telling me that I need to heal.

So, core tonight, and maybe some lifting/upper body (with brace on).

Food is totally on point. It was on point yesterday too, finishing off 30 calories below my limit. Sweet. Planning for a similar finish today.

I made this fabulous vegetarian chili with morningstar crumbles. I kinda threw it together and frankly, it was REALLY good. 250 calories, 6grms fat, 34 carbs, 9 fiber, 18 protein for a cup. Very filling. Happy girl. Hubby liked it too!

So, it's like, 100 degrees here today. I am not looking forward to going out into it. It's been SO lovely here, and I hate to be hot. *sigh* The only thing I like about summer is it's closer to fall. I think I have stated this before. Multiple times.

That's all from this exasperated chic. Till later...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Half-Assing??? Gah!

Hello again!

Last night, I ended up doing some kickboxing. I didn't give it my all, because I was so worried about re-pulling my calf. What I ended up doing was half-assing my jumping jacks and jumping squats! LAME

My legs feel great today. I am so grateful. My wrist is still sore. I might use the brace tonight.

Workout for tonight? Hmm... not sure. Maybe a run? Gym? Outside? I just don't know yet.

What I DO know is that I still have a lot of hard work to do to reach my goal of 199 by 7/6. I have less than 3 weeks.

Eats for today:
Grande skinny mocha (ugh - My Click espresso protein was delayed in the mail! Should have it tonight, and will make the switch back over!)
B: Morningstar veggie sausage, 1.5 tbs PB
L: 1/2 cup steamed broccoli, 1/2 cup homemade sauce, 2 polly-o string cheese, 1/4 large orange pepper, 1 medium banana
D: "my" salad, but need a good protein source for tonight. That, OR I am thinking of plowing into the kitchen and making some vegetarian bean chili. I know it seems silly on hot days, but it doesn't matter to me!
S: apple, PB

Right now, (tracked through lunchtime) I am at 806 calories, with 490 to go. That makes this girl very happy.

So, little update on bitch-a-rella who hurt my hubs feelings - turns out she had forgotten she was friends with him on Facebook, and had NO IDEA he was seeing all of the stuff (and of course, effectively destroying her chances of EVER getting cast in ANY production) she was writing. Later on yesterday, there was a decidedly sheepish post regarding her idiocy earlier. Teehee.

No time to play today, my peeps. Later

Monday, June 18, 2012

Busy weekend, exciting purchase!

Hello! Well, as predicted the weekend was HELLA busy. The auditions ate up most of this amazingly gorgeous weekend, but seeing all the talent that came out for auditions - it was totally worth it! Wow! What an amazing group of actors and singers! We are blessed to have been able to cast this show with incredible talent.

Of course, there are some who are bitter. Angry. They were not cast. We hate to do that, but it's a part of life. I've been there, that's for sure! One girl in particular, who was VERY close to being cast, decided to blow up Facebook about how terrible we are! Well, all i can say about that is I guess we made the right decision not to cast her! My hubby is sensitive, however, and feels very badly. It's an attack toward him, so I understand how he feels. I had better not see this girl walking down the street - that's all I have to say about that.

Anywho - the wrist is feeling better. I am brace-free today. I probably should have it on for a few more days, but it's just SO uncomfortable! It's been good today. I am going to keep my Wednesday workout in place - especially since my calf is feeling better too, so even if I am caring for my wrist still, I can modify with something else.

On Saturday I got up and went to the gym where I did elliptical intervals for 40 minutes. I really worked hard and I was quite proud. I wore my brace, just in case, and my leg felt fine. I was SO glad I could find something to get my sweat on! And I DID, baby! Whew!

So, on to my exciting purchase: (My first post was deleted after this line, which is unfortunate, because it was long, and informative, and incredibly entertaining. However, I do not have time to repeat it. But, I still want to show you my purchase)

Nope, cannot show you my purchase, because for some super frustrating reason, Blogger will not allow me to publish my post with the picture of the cutest Brooks sneakers ever.

Before 1/2 of my post was eaten, I went on from here to tell you about my food, and list my eats for today. However, that moment is gone. I will leave you with stats:

Today, if eating as planned, cutting out some more carbs what are at ALL processed) I will be consuming a little over 1400 calories. It really adds up. All good, whole foods. That's why it's STILL important to weigh and measure, even when eating good-for-you-food.

I'm out (yes, again)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Injury Update, soul searching, and secrets

Happy Friday, blogger friends!

Well, GREAT news is, my wrist is NOT fractured! Can I get a W00T!

I did, however, "aggravate the tendons at the attachment point". English please - your tendons are mad as hell that you did so many freaking gliding mountain climbers and dead lifted 145 lbs.

Well, tendons, get the HELL OVER IT.

I have to wear a *very* stylish brace for the next few days and I should NOT use it for anything heavy (basically, lifting anything) for about a week. This is very hard for someone who has just gotten back into the groove of intense workouts. Grrr...

Topping that off, my right calf that I pulled on Sunday while running hills is really sore. MORE sore and tight than it was before... so, that leaves like, 1/2 my body practically un-usable. This also means no Tuff Girl tomorrow. I have to let this shit heal, or I'm just going to prolong it.

So, on tap for tomorrow - perhaps the gym and the elliptical, or recumbent bike. I know from past experience, I have done well on these things with a bum calf. Obviously no strength training, except that I can do some core - planks on forearms, crunches, and maybe some upper body kickboxing moves - punching the air won't hurt, right?? LOL

It's going to be a busy weekend. We are running auditions both days, plus getting in very important and very needed family time.

Food - not bad. As I said yesterday, it's incredible how often I go to "default" on my comfort foods. I feel a little defeated with my injuries. I am trying to see the bright side here - a little care, and I will be back in the groove, but it's mentally tough when a whole BUNCH of you falls apart at once.

While I was walking into work today (limping in... lol) I was thinking about how vulnerable I felt having this bum wrist and calf - I mean, when I am injury-free, I feel confident that if I were to be in trouble - I could defend myself... but, with this injury, I feel very "weak"... what would I do if something were to attack me? What if I was with my boys and someone approached us? It's very uncomfortable... and it makes me want to retreat. Retreat into myself, into my house, into my food. I have known for a while that I used my fat as a protection. After all, the heavier you are, the harder it is to hurt you. Or to take you away... This is not really true, but I *think* it felt that way for a long time. Not consciously, of course.

When I was little - maybe 10 or so, I was approached by a man while in the arcade at a bowling alley. My dad had brought my brother and I there on one of our weekend visits (my parents were divorced by this point). The man came up behind me, put him arm around me and his hand on the side of my hip, rubbing it. His face was so close to mine. The things he said were kind of a blur... I was confused. Did I know him? Was I supposed to recognize him? I was totally frozen in fear. Thanks to the Lord that my father was not far away and he started yelling at this man, who left in a hurry.
When my dad brought us home, he told my mom and asked me to recount everything. I brushed it off. I said nothing happened. I was mortified and pretended he wasn't touching me and rubbing me. I've never told anyone what he was saying. Even now, it's only in bits and pieces in my memory...
Almost no-one knows this story, and I put it out here. It's one of those things I am trying to work through to heal my addictive behaviors.

This was all tough to write - but I thought getting it out there might help...

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Last night I had an awesome workout over at Tuff Girl. I was nursing my very sore calf, so I was modifying a lot of my cardio. I couldn't do jacks, burpees, or any running. SO, I had to default to the only cardio that didn't hurt - gliding mountain climbers. Otherwise known as "My Nemesis". Seriously, I hate these things with a passion, they suck and are SUPER hard, but I was not going to slack on this workout. I modified other things (like running ladders by jumping them on my left leg.

I deadlifted 145 lbs. Yes. I felt like a bad-ass.

Until the middle of the night when I woke up with my wrist in terrible pain.

Now, I don't know for sure if this pain was caused by my workout. I did NOT feel anything when I was working out or in the evening. But it sure does hurt now, and I can't think of another explaination.
I can move it, but with a lot of pain. Luckily, my hubby has a wrist brace from when he was dealing with carpel-tunnel. I am using that and tylenol right now. However, so that I can know what's up for sure, I am going to a local orthoepedics walk-in. It's actually pretty awesome. They only do ortho, on an urgent, walk-in basis. And it's in my town, close to home.

More time off of work. It's inevitable that when I take some time off (last week) that right after, something occurs (ususally sick kids, knock on wood) that causes me to take more. Blech.

It continues to astound me that when something is out of wack, my instinct is to reach for food for comfort. I was making my protein shake this morning, and I thought - "oh, I'll just treat myself and use all soy milk"... I caught myself. How is that going to make my wrist feel better? Hm, yeah, it's NOT. I'm glad I caught it, and I have noticed it a few times through the day. *sigh* the life of an addict...

Well, I'm off the to doctor now. A few nurses I work with are urging me to go - could be a colles fracture, which is a fracture of the small bons of the hand/wrist. Grand. Will update later.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Thanks for the few comments yesterday on the "ups and downs" we all go through. It makes me feel better that not EVERYONE is reading my blog and thinking "too bad this chic can't get it together!" LOL

I've been incredibly busy at work (um, on that note - is it a full moon? Because all of the CRAZIES are out! DAMN!) and only have a moment to update.

So, last night, I did 30 minutes of all upper body. Dumbells and body weight exercises. Felt like jello after - so, it was good! My little Thing 1 decided he was going to "lift" with me. He grabbed these little 4 lbs, soft (sand filled) weights and proceeded to exercise right along side me. He was incredibly adorable and he is really atatched to "his" weights. But, I get a little worried. Ok, call me the neurotic mama, but I am worried about him. I KNOW little guys are not supposed to "lift weights", however, they are quite light - of course, they are light to ME - but probably not to him? Well, in my worry, I e-mailed my trainer to get her take. I don't want to discourage him, and he was having SO much fun working out with me! So, we will see what she says.

No workout for me tonight. Striving for 10,000 steps per day at least on off exercise days. My calf is still bothering me, so I'm resting it tonight in anticipation of my workout tomorrow.

Eats today: (this is going to get boring, like maybe you have seen it before!!)
click and soy (1/2 cup)
B: morningstar sausage (2) PB (1 tbs)
L: 4 oz ground chicken breast (seasoned) 1 oz cabot cheese, 1 mission high fiber tortilla
S: 1 snack bag (160 cals) mini pretzels. - in a sea of crappy choices, this was the best
D: salad, 1/2 sweet potato and 1.5 oz cabot cheese

Last nights dinner was a nice salad my hubs put together for me. Afterwards I had my go-to delish snack of a granny smith apple, chopped and nuked in the microwave for about 1 minute, and 1 tbs PB. So. Good. I ended right around the 1350 mark.

Today's total as of this moment - 1277. Great number. Can't guarantee I won't have a small snack before
bed, but I have a little leeway, so...we will see.

Tomorrows calories will be higher, because I have an intense workout. Last Wednesday was a real toughy, and I think part of the problem was my lack of fuel before hand. I will not make that mistake again. I have 1 small banana and 1 tbs of PB at the ready to have on the way to the studio.

Alright, I think I have babbled on enough. I hope you all out there are feeling good and strong. Let me hear you - how is your journey going???

Monday, June 11, 2012

Monday - again...

Seriously- the title. I can't think of anything creative what-so-ever.

So, I think I might be one of those bloggers that people get annoyed with - reading all the ups and downs.
Well, I guess it is what it is. I am imperfect. I do not have a firm hold on my recovery, or anything else for that matter. I would hope that what I put out here would not cause any distress. It's my story. My life. My being. Normally I would let this eat away inside me. And I have been... but I cannot allow it. I cannot let others opinion of me derail the shreds of recovery I have. I must keep moving forward. I must keep planning, moving forward, and keep trying.

Because I will never, ever give up. EVER.

Anyway, moving on from that (if you are still here - are you still here?)

Eating has been great. My husband seems very, very on board with our "pact" and we are in this together. Before, he really wasn't interested in really eating clean (and no, we are not squeeky clean!) but he really seems like he has turned a corner on it.

When we talked, he admitted that he felt left behind with the eating well/exercising/weight loss stuff. I have been feeling that from him for a while, and I was letting it drag me down. Now, this is NOT his fault - only my own! I certainly used it as an excuse. Because, with a disease so cunning and powerful, excuses are my bread-and-butter (um, no pun intended)

Eats for today:
click and 1/2 cup soy*
B: 2 morningstar sausages and 1 tbs natural PB*
L: 4 oz ground turkey breast, seasoned, 1 oz cabot 75% red. fat cheese *, salsa, 1/2 sweet potato
1 small banana
D: Likely a salad - everything measured and weighed.

* the little stars indicate where I am making a conserted effort to cut down on portion size a little on the normal foods I am eating. So, 1/2 cup soy instead of a cup - cuts 40 calories, 1 tbs PB instead of 2 - cuts 100 calories, 1 oz cheese instead of 2 - cuts 60 cals. So, I have cut 200 calories so far today, without missing much at all.

So far today, I am at 765 calories consumed - 500 left. Sweet. That should totally cover my salad, and maybe an apple later.

This weekend for workouts have been good. Saturday, of course, was Tuff Girl. Loved it. Lifted heavy things. Was bad-ass.

Last night I started 3 different workout videos and I just was NOT into it. So, I left for a walk. Which turned into a run. Which was great, except that on my last hill, I pulled a calf muscle. On top of which, I really aggrivated my ankle (opposite leg, lucky me) so I had to wrap it this morning. The ankle feels *ok*. The calf does not. Resting it tonight and doing some upper body/core work. No excuses!

Thanks for reading, peeps! Soldier on!!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I have a good excuse!

I have a good excuse for not blogging the past few days!
I was OFF of work! W00T!
I took off a half day Wednesday, and off Thursday and Friday... feels sooo good!
I mentioned that Wednesday was kindergarten orientation for Thing 1... woh. I was not expecting the flood of emotion that was going to come out of this. He seems so small in those big hallways... I am terrified. It's a great school, and some of his friends from his pre-k school class will be going there as well, I just... well, he's my baby, dammit!
Ok, breathe. I have all summer to get over it.
Thursday was a luncheon for scholarship winners at the college I attend. I received a scholarship this year, and I was able to bring my hubby along with me. It was really nice!

We sat with some wacky peeps - but hey, it's an honor to be there!
Later in the afternoon on Thursday, hubby and I surprised Thing 1 by picking him up from school early and bringing him to the natural history museum to see the dinosaur bones. He practically peed himself! It was sweet!
Friday was a big cleaning day, and a shopping day for my Old Navy active yoga capris. The ONLY capris I will wear to exercise in that don't bunch, fall or get in the way. I LOVE them, so I went and picked up a few more pair.
Now, it should be said that my eating was NOT good those few days... and I felt like shit. I mean, physically I felt just horrid.
Friday night, hubby and I had a talk. He actually brought up the idea that we should make a pact between us - we help keep each other going. This morning, I got up for my kick ass workout (lifting heavy things and whipping through cardio make me feel like a BAD ass.) I felt energized by our pact. I felt good about planning my food today. We brought the kids to strawberry picking, and went to the nearby farmers market for all our produce. It was awesome. I feel great today.
So, I made some mistakes the past few days, but I am on an upswing. I casually asked the hubs at around 8:30 if he was planning on working out tonight, and he, begrudgingly, we out for a walk. Yeah Pact! :-)
More tomorrow! Keep moving forward, peeps!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The only thing constant...

That's right, my friends. The only thing constant is change.

Today I will take Thing 1 to kindergarten orientation. I can't believe this little stinker is going to be going into kindergarten in the fall. I am floored.

He knows we are going to check out the new digs today, and he is excited and a little nervous. All morning, he kept saying to me "but, you aren't going to leave me there, are you?"... I reassure him. I tell him some of his class-room friends will be going as well. He gets excited, but remains a little worried.

He's not one for change.

But, he will be ok. He is resiliant, intelligent, kind, sweet, friendly and outgoing. He is going to be a star where ever he goes.

I, however, will be a mess. lol. But, that's what Mama's do, right?

So, my workout the other night with Bob was great. Insane, but great. One thing I love about that DVD is that the people exercising with him are sweating, and falling down, and having a HELL of a time. So, it makes me feel better that I am doing the same thing.

Last night I tried out a new (well, tried 2, actually) On-Demand workout. I started one, and the camera pans to a super buff, muscle bound guy. Well, this guy did more talking than moving. And his "challenging moves" consisted of a toe touch to a jumping jack - rest - repeat.

Um, this was not working for me.

So, I changed it to another workout - a "60 minute, total body transformation"

Well, it was 60 minutes. It was not hardcore. I felt like it could be a good option for a lower-energy day. But at least he MOVED and didn't TALK so much! Good work with the weight, and the cardio was ok. One I will probably do again at some point.

Eating was ok. Good choices, but a little higher in calories than I would have liked. It may have something to do with the fact that I am upping my exercise again, and so I am hungrier, but I dunno. I have to be so careful about the head hunger, and really make sure it's my BODY that is hungry.

I am working on the idea mentioned previously of making food like my workouts. Just keep going until you hear the beep. The beep being bedtime! lol. I know, this probably sonds crazy, but it's working, I think.

The next few day I have off of work (insert Hallelujah Chorus HERE) and so I will have to be even more diligent about my food, but I know I will get in a lot more exercise. It will be SO nice, after such an awful week last week, to have a little break.

Oh, but don't worry! I'll be here too!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Till you hear the beep

Well, this weekend was quite the mixed bag. Saturday, I started the day with an awesome workout, and had some in-door family time, because the weather was so bad. I also did something I have never done before.
I packed all of the food I felt I would need out to the mall.
I mean, I pack my food all the time, but for this, I packed all of my measured salad toppings, figuring that I would be able to find a basic salad base with no toppings or dressing, even at a crappy place. We ended up at Ruby Tuesday's - a place that has a salad bar. So, I went to town on the veggies (however, I must say, there were more varieties of fatty salads and dressings than veggies!) and used my pre-packed stuff.
I felt awesome.
Then, the next day, I ate crap.
I don't know. I just don't get it. I suck. That is all.
Today, I am struggling to stay on plan. But, so far, I am on point. I have noticed some mistakes, but instead of succumbing to calling this an "off" day and just eating myself silly, I am just going with the flow. I am not restricting my food. So, if I am actually, physically hungry, I am going to eat. When I do, it will be a good, whole food choice.
Just "wanting" something is not going to fly. I have to actually be hungry
Eats today:
Click and soy
morningstar sausage and PB
4 oz ground chicken breast, 2 oz cabot 75% red. fat cheese, 1 mission carb balance tortilla, 1/4 cup hot salsa, med banana
Salad with 1 oz almonds, 1 oz cheese, 2 tbs craisins, 10 green olives, banana peppers, 2 tbs less oil dressing, tons of chopped veggies
1 apple, 2 tbs PB *
*this will be after my workout...
so, when I write it out, there is really nothing terrible here... yet I keep feeling like I did badly today. I think it's because I put it in Livestrong, and the calorie count was higher than I wanted to see. I am going to slowly cut down on the soy milk in my morning shake, and then get it to water, then eventually phase out the click. As the shake stands, it has 200 calories. These are calories that may be better spent elsewhere.
I was thinking about considering my diet in the same way I tackle a workout. When I am working out, I don't ever quit. I think about it, but I tell my mind to keep going. One more burpee, one more pushup, go till you hear the beep, then do the next one. Over and over. Just keep going. Don't ever stop.
What if I tackled my eating this way? Is it tiring? Yes. Keep going. Is it frustrating? Yes. Keep going... One day at a time, one moment at a time. The beep? Well, I guess that would be bedtime! Just keep going till the beep...
It's a consideration. Whatever I can do to keep on track
I'm off for a private workout with Bob Harper. Well, I'm putting the DVD in and doing the workout by myself. But, that's practically the same thing, right?