Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A look at the 2.5 miles

I wanted to post about the 2.5 miles I ran on Sunday. It was a huge accomplishment for me on a few levels.
I have not really gone for a run in a while. After the Track Workout last week, I had been thinking that I needed to start running again. The mud run is a LOT about the obstacles, but the more comfortable you are with the running in between, the better off you are.

I will start out by saying I did not leave my house with intention of running, so to speak. I went out for a walk, which, in the back of my mind I knew meant at LEAST a walk/run. After warming up my very sore hamstrings, I started jogging. I actually felt GOOD. I mean, not even really out of breath for a little bit. Until I started hitting all the hills.

I live in a condo and all around us are hills. I mean, you can't go 1/4 mile without some kind of hill. Once I started up the hills, I had to start talking to myself.

"Come on, you can make it up this one. Then, if you have to, you can walk for a minute"

Then I would make it up the hill, and I would say

"Well, now this is better, it's going down hill a little. Might as well run this"

So on and so forth.

I ran further than I intended. I started looking at the hills as a challenge that I knew I could face. I got to my turn around point. Tired. Fully expecting that I would walk up these 2 massive hills that I just took so much joy in running DOWN.

But I didn't. I started running back up. I just kept running. I ran all the way up to the top of those hills. I gave those hills a mental middle finger. Can't beat me, bitches.

The only times I walked was when I feared for my safety on these winding hills with no sidewalks. I have to run in the street, and sometimes I thought cars coming didn't see me, or just didn't care I was there! (It was getting dark on my way back, so I was trying to be extra careful)

I got about 4 blocks from my home, and I was walking for a little cool down. I was on one of the small sections of flat ground we have around us and I decided to sprint from where I was up my driveway. Sprint for me is probably normal running for others, but dammit, it was a SPRINT for me.

Invigorating. Exhausting.

I couldn't wait to collapse at home. The whole day we were moving my in-laws, who didn't believe that my husband and I could carry their old, HEAVY couch and loveseat out the door. But we did. And lifted it up to get it in the dumpster. Then I showed off my guns. Don't TELL me I can't do something. Just WATCH.

Eats for today:
1 scoop click, 1/2 cup almond milk (unsweetened)
B: Pumpkin oatmeal
L: 4 oz ground turkey, seasoned, 100 gr sweet potato, 2 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
S: banana, 2 tbs peanut butter
D: Lrg salad. 3 cups chopped salad greens and peppers. 10 green olives, banana peppers, 1/4 cup chick peas, 2 tbs less oil good seasons dressing

This will round out my day with 1273 calories. If I am starving later after my workout, I will eat something. I want to keep my calories under control and my macros in check, but I will eat a little over if I am starving after my workout - macro appropriate, of course.

So, my friends, what HILLS have you conquered lately?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Soggy post - a little long!

I was going to write this weekend. But I did NOT have a a good Friday night.

I ate things I should not eat. In amounts I should not eat them in.

It is what it is. I made the decision to do it. I take responsibility.

Boy, was I paying for it BIG time the next day. My body was in NO WAY happy about the junk I put in there. Woh. I have never experienced such a violent revolution.... DAMN.

But, I deserved it.

My husband came along for the crappy eating journey and at one point he said

"Oh my God. We used to eat like this ALL the time. And we used to eat a LOT more. How did we do it?"

And it's true. We used to eat TONS more than we did on this one not-so-hot evening. It's hard to remember...

Saturday and Sunday were back in action (Inner-fat-girl was kicking and screaming for more). Tuff Girl Workout on Saturday morning to sweat out some of my indiscretions (if only in my head - weight loss is 80% diet, people! Can't "undo" food-anything with even the best workout!) and a 2.5 mile run last night after packing up and moving my in-laws ALL DAY yesterday.

I got on the scale Sunday morning. I knew it would be the absolute worst time post binge-o-rama. I needed to see that bad number to remind me how easy it is to go back.

And it is waaayyyyy too easy for that weight to pile back on.

It's looking like I am going to have to stop my Tuff Girl workouts. I was just gifted 6 workouts from a woman who moved out of state and had a few workouts left. It was an AMAZING gift, and one I appreciated beyond measure. So, I have 5 of those workouts left. After that, I will be unable to purchase any more. Money is so incredibly tight, especially since I stopped the second job. I'm trying to stretch each dollar. The only reason I was able to purchase the last set of 10 workouts was because I got paid for my little teaching job I did over the Spring semester. That check (albeit VERY SMALL for an entire semester of work!) was just enough to get me my 10 class punch card... there is nothing else coming in. That's it.

I can't tell you how much I am going to miss going there. SO much of my motivation, encouragement and strength is filtered through that studio, my trainer, and the people I workout with.

Yes, I will workout at home. I can go to the gym. I can, and will figure it out. But it has become a huge part of my life. There will be a huge void.

Money is a big source of suck-age right now. Hubby and I kept thinking that in the fall, things would get so much better, because Thing 1 would be moving into Kindergarten and we would only be paying daycare for Thing 2. But, because of certain circumstances, the finances won't really change at all. As a matter of fact, they are going to get worse. It's a very complicated issue to explain. And really, just this weekend I figured it out myself. Talk about a bubble bursting. There were tears, I'll be honest. That may or may not have been a contributing factor to Friday evenings craptastic events. (Perhaps the funeral I attended on Friday was a factor as well), but these things are neither here nor there.

I promised you a link to a project, but it's still not done. I'll give you an idea. I have set up a page on a popular donation/fundraising site. I am fundraising to have my excess skin surgery. I have an appointment on Sept. 6 with a surgeon who specializes in skin removal after massive weight loss. I'm excited to meet with her and see what she can do for me. She is also, apparently, very good at working with insurance companies to get the tummy tucks covered. Remember, this is not a normal tummy tuck. This is a tummy tuck after 170 + pounds of fat loss. This is not a little spare skin hanging over the top of my jeans. This is needing to buy jeans a size larger to fit the excess skin inside. Insurance CAN cover this, if you fight it enough. However, they will not cover the skin removal from my arms, and they, when all is said and done, may NOT cover my tummy. That's where this website comes in.

It's not ready yet because I want to include some video of my workouts with Tuff Girl and a personal video where everyone will be able to see me, hear my story, and actually see the offending skin. I really want this on the site before I will launch the site live.

But I must confess - now that we are having day-to-day monitary issues, I don't know how I feel about launching it at all. My goals was to have the surgery in October, but issues with my time off of work (as in, I wouldn't have enough saved) bumped it to January. Now? Who knows. Maybe it's too selfish to do it... I don't know.

Ok, I know this whole post is a little soggy. Sorry about that. I'm here, I'm listening to you all. I'm soldiering on. How about you??

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The beauty in thunderstorms

Well, I did it. I went to the track workout last night. I was seriously near vomiting - and that was BEFORE I started and was because I was SO NERVOUS.

WHY was I nervous? Remember I was a fat kid, so I still have those last-one-around-the-track, getting-laughed-at (nightmares) memories floating around in my head. I probably weigh less now than I did at the end of elementary school.

Ok, it probably wasn't THAT bad, but you get the idea.

So, the track workout was intense. It started with some jogging to warm up, and stretching. Then, 5 minutes of bleacher sprints. 10 pushups. partner band runouts. 10 pushups. Then we ran the track twice - running on the curves, sprinting and skipping on the lengths. 10 pushups. 5 minutes of bleacher sprints. 10 pushups.
I came in dead. last. on the track runs. This was the worry. But in the end, who freaking cares? I still did it. I did every freaking skippy-sprinty second of it. I was practically heaving after the 2nd set of bleacher sprints.

AND I KICKED ASS. End of story.

The moral: All fear does is get in your way. Don't let it. Be a Champion.

Food. Going well. I bumped up my calories on intense workout days. Only by about 100 calories, which is like one small extra snack. I really think it's needed on these days.

Eats for today:
1 scoop Click, 1/2 cup almond milk (unsweetened), water, ice - awesome caffeine boost. I'm simply not worried about this part of my day anymore. Just freaking do it.
B: 1.5 servings red pepper spinach quiche
S: 1 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
L: 1.25 cups sweet potato black bean chili
S: banana
D: 4 oz buffalo shredded chicken over large veggie salad
S: ? apple likely

Weigh in will be Saturday. I have no expectations. I was sick, and although my food was right on, my exercise suffered for a few days. I also had a big loss last week. No expectations. Just keeping on the straight and narrow.

We are slated to have some severe weather here late this afternoon into the night. Thunderstorms, hail, tornadoes, the whole 9. I'm hoping it's not as bad as they say, but I wouldn't mind a good thunder storm. Thunderstorms can be scary for some, but I find them fascinating. When you give up the fear, you can see the beauty. :-)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Recovery and FEAR

I am feeling so much better than this morning! I am seriously praying that was just a little bug that is finally out of my system.

I felt so much better, I got in a little workout. I HAD to get my sweat on! I was resting so much this morning, that I felt like a slug. As soon as I realized I wasn't running to the bathroom after dinner (salad, if you are interested), I decided to give it a try. Success!

Tomorrow is another Tuff Girl workout. It's not, however, a normal Tuff Girl workout. We are meeting at the local High school and we are doing a running/stairs/insanity workout.

I almost opted out of the class.

I don't know why this workout has me so scared. No, not true, I know why. I am scared I am going to trip on the stairs. That I won't be able to run them. That I'm going to be too weak to get it done the way it needs to be done. I am afraid.

But that's exactly why I need to go do it.

You don't get anywhere by allowing fear to stop you from doing something. You don't grow or learn or succeed if you let fear dictate your life.

If I let fear dictate me, I would still be 365 lbs. Probably bigger. I was afraid of surgery. I was afraid of not eating for comfort anymore. I was afraid of it all. I was afraid when I first walked into Bodyology. I was afraid when I saw the weights, and TRX, and Rouge boxes. But I just didn't let it stop me from going for it.

You just can't let it stop you.

So, tomorrow, probably shaking in my shoes, I will go to the track. I will give it everything I have, plus a lkttle more, and in the end, that's all I can ask of myself. That's all anyone can ask of themselves.

So, what are you afraid of?

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Ugh, and ugh...

Hey peeps... A little check in. Home from work today with a stomach bug, or something. My stomach hasn't been right since late last week, and I thought it was getting better, but today it's been terrible. Work was NOT happening. I barely got the kids to school and got back home again... Ugh.

Anyway, I'm here. My exercise has been suffering the past 2 days because putting any pressure on my belly, whether it's moving rapidly for cardio, or using my abs for stability in strength training, it wrecks havoc on my stomach. On top of which, although I have been very diligent about keeping hydrated, I am exhausted.

Been watching my diet very carefully. Yes, still eating some, which is good. Getting in protein and fludids. I couldn't ask for much more. Except, well, to stay out of the bathroom for longer than 20 minutes at a time. *sigh*

On top of being home today from work, I need to leave work early on Thursday for a fundraiser I committed to weeks ago, AND we found out on Sunday a very close member of our church passed away. Her services are Friday and we HAVE to be there.

If I still have a job at the end of this week, it may be a miracle.

ok, I gotta run (no pun intended)

Monday, July 23, 2012

No room for screwin' around

As I am *GRATEFULLY* losing more weight, and I update my Livestrong tracker, I see my calorie allotment slowly getting lower. Of course. You need to lower your calories to maintain a steady loss. As you get smaller, you need fewer calories to function; therefore you need even LESS to keep losing!

Yea, math!

Yet the mental side of that is not something to take lightly. I get into a very comfortable groove. I plan my food for the day ahead, and I know I can have X number of calories here and there, and have some at the end of the day for a piece of fruit, or a little PB... With my large drop (YEA BABY), that has changed. I don't have any "leftover" calories to munch at the end of the day. I have JUST. ENOUGH. to get me through the day with my 3 nutritious meals and a about 200 cals total for snacks during the day.

Livestrong gives me 1239 calories a day now. I don't want to be one of those fattys who says "That's not enough! I'm going into STARVATION MODE"... but my inner-fat-girl starts to tell me that's not enough calories. I think inner-fat-girl is just afraid and she is trying to infect my brain with her hype and her fear.

Regardless, the facts are the same. There is NO ROOM for screwin' around with a calorie allotment of 1239. No. Room.

Eats for today:
1 scoop Click, 1/2 cup almond milk, water
B: Oxygen mag pumpkin oatmeal. (seriously, I could eat it everyday)
L: Zucchini lasagna (ditto)
S: banana
D: Salad with some l.f. cheese, black beans, olives, lots of veggies, a little dressing

This is my outline for the day. I will have a room for 2 more snacks. I would like to TRY and save those calories for this evening, so if I am hungrier at dinner, I can bulk up my salad, but we will see how it goes.

The best way to fill up on little calories is a lot of veggies and very lean proteins (fish is great). As my calories get lower, the switches will be made even more than they are now.

I will tell you one thing though. I'm not going to be hungry. I will swap where I need to swap, but I will NOT starve. If I'm hungry, you better know I am going to EAT. :-)

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Too fast?? Nahhh....

Saturday evening and I'm totally wiped out. I love the weekend and hate the weekend all at the same time. Saturdays are so busy and regularly results in multiple meltdowns from Thing 2. Par for the course with a 2 year old, of course, but it can be tough.

It's a little before 8 and that means Thing 2 will also be in bed soon. Then the REAL vegging out begins. *ahhhh*. can't wait.

This morning started with a weigh-in............ 193

Can I get a woop-woop????

I went off to my Yuff Girl workout and kicked it's sweaty ass. Rope climbs, pull ups, dead lifts... More and more. My arms are gonna kill in the AM, and I'm going to love every achy second.

Today's eats:
1/2 click shake on the way to workout... I know, I know... But a little caffeine in the AM is super helpful to get me going. Especially going to a workout. I don't like to eat before I go.
B: Baked pumpkin oatmeal with 2 tbs natural pb. So freaking good, and nice and filling after my workout.
L: big salad, lots of chopped veggies, 2 tbs home made dressing, 2 Oz Cabot reduced fat cheese.
S: 1/2 kids size sugar free italian ice... Meh. Tasted so fake, I throw the rest out.
D: awesome Mahi Mahi (4oz) with a delicious tomato pepper and olive relish my hubby made, and 1/2 sweet potato with 1 tbs plain Greek yogurt. It was really good.

I have a little over 200 cals left, so I'm deciding how to spend it wisely. Fruit smoothie? Hmmm... That might happen!

I got asked at the gym today if I was "losing too fast". I was like, really? It's taken me 4 freaking years to get here. She was speaking specifically about lately. I told her no. My body was just doing what it was supposed to do when I'm feeding it 1250 cals a day of good, clean food and exercising my tail off.

Thats all I have for tonight, my friends. Soldier on!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Thursday pick-me-up... Ish.

If tomorrow wasn't Friday, I would have to do something Umm... Whine a lot.

Ok, never mind. Tomorrow IS Friday, so I (you) don't have to worry.

This is one of those nights that if I didn't have a hold on myself, Inner Fatty would have taken hold of a pint of ice cream, curled up in the bed and vegged out all night. That garbage food doesn't live in my house anymore, so that wasn't an option.

Instead, I did a 20 minute tabata, some upper body weights and topped it off with 75 pushups. I was (am) still feeling down after, but at least that was 45 minutes of my evening that I was focused on getting my sweat on, and not crap food.

Last nights workout at Tuff Girl was freaking amazing. Tabata format using battle ropes, rogue box up-and-overs, climbers, one-legged burpees, side run-outs... And more! It was seriously epic. I was pouring liquid awesome. Amazing.

Eats today were very good. Oxygen Mag's Baked Pumpkin Spice Oatmeal, zucchini lasagna, banana, roasted edamame, and a big honkin' salad for dinner. A few Oz of cheese for a little protein, and I'm done for the night.

Stomach is acting up a little. Uncomfortable and a little bloated. I know, TMI.

So, I have no sunshine and roses tonight. I think I'll weigh in the the AM. I'm hoping to see at least a little loss.

Healthy lifestyle is not easy. It's not for the lazy. It's not for the weak. It's really. Freaking. Hard. You have to eat it drink it sleep it dream it and work it everyday, without exception. Sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I want to say "screw it". But if I did, I would just be that 365 lbs pile of misery I used to be. I can never go back. I push through the "I don't wannas" and move on.

The end... For today...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Always something there to remind meeee...

Yes, it is hot here in CT in the summer. It is humid. I don't like it, but I accept it. But today?


I walked out of the hospital to walk between buildings and I was hit with a wall of hot steaminess. It literally felt difficult to breath. And peeps, I'm a singer, so I have GOOD LUNGS. If it feels hard for me, I can't imagine how it feels to others!

They were not kidding when they put the heat advisory and air quality alert out there. Not to mention the fatty-d thunderstorm that is supposed to swoop in here in the next few hours.

I love me a good thunderstorm, so I am looking forward to it. Thing 1 and 2 however, get a little skittish, so I will likely have to call daycare and check in on them.

OK, back to the topics at hand. Eating has been good. I say only good and not stellar because I found myself in a predicament yesterday I want to share.

A co-worker of mine gave me a zucchini the size of a toddler. I am not kidding. When I got home with it, I stood it up next to Thing 2 and it was almost as tall as him. Anyway, I got to work making some meals out of this thing. I made an awesome, totally clean zucchini lasagna (zucchini in place of pasta. Don't knock it, just try it. SO FAB) and I wanted to make a little treat for the boys. I set out to make some clean zucchini muffins. Mini ones, so as to control the amount of them they eat. The recipe was something I adapted from a regular sugar and fat laden one I found on line. Subbing Stevia for sugar and applesauce for oil, oats and oat flour for regular. Eggs and egg whites instead of just eggs. Anyway, I even went so far as to mix mini chocolate chips in there (obviously NOT clean) to entice the little buggers to eat them.

Well, it was a success. Things 1 helped me make them and as the official taste tester, agreed they were delightful.

Then, I had one. I really wanted to experience the fruits of my labor.

For a normal person, 1 of these little guys at 50 cals a pop is NO BIG DEAL.

However, for me, the obsession began.

I had another.

Thank goodness I was able to stop it there. But I obsessed about them in the fridge all evening.

This, my friends, is the mind of of a food addict.

This food, while the ingredients are wholesome, when combined into this kind of food product (a baked good of sorts), has a mental effect on me. I was FINE before I had one. Baking them for the family was totally fine. No issues. But, once I tried one, the obsession about them began.

What good has come of this?

Well, I have been reminded once again that I cannot eat like normal people.

The "reminder" didn't impede my calories for the day. It didn't lead me to a binge, and it really was (mostly) calories well spent.

I am grateful for little reminders.

Today, eating has been on par. I am gearing up for an intense tabata session this afternoon. Heat advisories and air quality alerts be damned.

I will weigh in on Friday or Saturday. I am getting less obsessed with getting on the scale all the time. Once (maybe twice) a week is enough.

No workout occurred yesterday (gasp-horror!) Because I got in the kitchen and started cooking, brought the kids out to play, went BACK in the house to keep cooking and by the time I was done in the kitchen and with the kids, it was 8:45 and I had yet to sit down since I got in from work. SO, tabata tonight will be an awesome cardio killer, and tomorrow I plan on upper body strength routine.

I know I promised a little peak at a project I am working on, but it's not quite done yet. As soon as it is, I will post a link.

Hope everyone out there is doing well! Soldier on, peeps!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sometimes it aint pretty

I'm sitting here enjoying a post-workout berry smoothie and I took the above post-workout picture. It aint pretty, but it's real. Lucky for you, I wiped all my sweat up before snapping this beauty!

Below is the workout I did, slightly modified version of the Keepin' it 100 from Fit2Flex - LOVE their site. Great workouts and real people. It went like this:

Set 1: 40 jacks, 30 squats, 20 high knees, 10 jumping squats
Set 2: 10 push-ups, 10 triceps dips (off chair), 60 second plank, 10 push-ups, 10 triceps dips (off chair)
Set 3: 25 front lunges (L leg) 25 front lunges (R leg) 25 back lunges (L leg), 25 back lunges (R leg)
Set 4: 25 mountain climbers, 25 bicycle crunches, 25 mountain climbers, 25 bicycle crunches.

Repeat the above 2 more times - 

The other modification I made was in the set 3 of the last round where I did:

Set 3 (mod):  25 sumo squats, 25 front lunges, 25 back lunges, 25 squat jacks. 

Eats were great today. Got lots of water in. Not sure why my water goes by the way-side on the weekends, but when I need to pry my wedding rings off in the AM, I know I haven't had enough!

I'm working on a project that I will be posting soon. It's something I am really going out of my comfort zone on and I hope when it's done and posted, everyone will take the time to check out...

To be continued....

A word about commitment

Commitment is a word we throw around a lot. But what does it mean to really be committed to something?
It means doing what you have to do to achieve a goal, even if it's uncomfortable, tiring, and you "just don't wanna".

Obviously working out consistently is a big commitment. But to me, it's an even bigger commitment to keep your food in check.

I eat a clean diet. Whole foods - veggies, fruits, dairy, lean proteins, and whole carbohydrates. I keep to this almost exclusively. I'm not perfect. But commitment is not about being perfect, it's about staying to course. And the truth is, that most any plan out there can "work" if you can commit to it fully. I have taken "Clean Eating" and made it work for me. It makes the most sense to me. I am committed to it. As long as your plan includes less calories in than you are putting out, you can make it work.

Last night, after a weekend of lots of errands, cleaning, re-organizing, and de-cluttering, the last thing I wanted to do was cook. But, it's my responsibility to me and my family to prepare foods for the week. Shopping on Saturday, food prep on Sunday. Sometimes this cooking can take hours. No, I "didn't wanna". I would have loved to sit on the couch and veg, but I couldn't. I am committed.

So, I got myself busy in the kitchen. Cooking up veggies, dividing raw veggies and fruits into servings, cooking up a crust-less quiche that will feed hubby and I breakfast for 3 days, meatloaf muffins for lunches, plus dinner for last night. Between prep, cooking, and cleanup, I was in the kitchen for 3 hours (including an unfortunate 20 minutes where we were out of power. Luckily, I had just take the quiche from the oven!)

This is not a burden. Sure, sometimes it can feel that way, but it's a gift I give myself and my husband and my kids. A healthy me. Healthy them. I cannot afford any "I don't wanna's" when it comes to this.

I had an amazing workout on Saturday. Iron(wo)man at Tuff Girl. Woh. It's a very different kind of structure from the other workouts we do there. The first time I did it, I cried. The second time, I merely whimpered. This past Saturday, I whimpered a little still, but I lifted heavy and I finished my cardio section before the timer, so I was happy about that. I did not workout yesterday. Not even a freakin' walk! After everything that needed to get done around the house and with the kids and the cooking, it didn't happen. The fact that my entire body is one big sore muscle didn't contribute at all (wink, wink). So, tonight I'm in for a long sweaty cardio session. It will feel goooood.

I am down 1 lb from last week. I will TOTALLY take it. We are moving and grooving in the right direction.

So, do you have the courage to truly commit? You HAVE the strength. You have EVERYTHING you need. Now it's up to you.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Like a balloon....

Sooooo..bout yesterday... yeah, sorry about all the pouty crap. We all get into those moods now and again, right?

The amazing thing is - I didn't cave. After a 15 hour day, non stop, I didn't allow being hungry or moody or tired to screw with my eating.

Oh, the inner-fat-girl was RAGING, but I beat her back down. I got home at 10:00 and ate a big salad. about 30 minutes later I was in bed. End of story.

Thanks you, JESUS it's Friday!!

No exercise yesterday (unless staying awake is becoming an Olympic sport. Anyone? Anyone?) so I have to get in some cardio tonight, as I will get my heavy lifting on in the AM. As always, looking forward to it.

Eats for today:
1 serving baked apple spice oatmeal (other 1/2 of my recipe from yesterday)
3/4 cup of vegetarian chili (homemade), 2 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
S: 1/2 endive, 2 TBS hummus
S: banana
D: Not sure. Once I get the kids fed, I'll be on my own tonight (hubby is in rehearsal) so I don't know if I really feel like cooking. I may do a salad again, and then maybe top the night off with some apples and PB.

This chica is hitting the hay early tonight.

So, not really much to report. I will weigh in tomorrow morning, but I expect nothing. I'm holding water like a freaking balloon. Good times.

Keep moving forward, peeps!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Grump, grump, grouse, grouse...

Oh crap, guys... I'm in a pissy mood. Apologies ahead of time.... gr.....

It's only 10AM and I am longing for my bed. This on a day where I am working my standard 8, overtime 2 and running to a meeting at church where I have been called to be on the Sr. Minister Search Committee. I'm excited about it, and this is our first meeting, but I'm just not in a stellar place today.

And I did NOT bring enough food with me today to not be home until 9:00 tonight. *sigh*

Feeling excessively tired and cranky. But, you already knew that.

To give you an idea about where I am at with my food today, this is what I have ALREADY eaten:

1 oz 2% cheese
Baked Apple Spice Oatmeal (takeoff on last weeks pumpkin spice. Cause I was out of pumpkin, and I had unsweetened apple sauce.)
1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese
1 banana

And let me re-iterate that it's ONLY 10AM.

What's on tap for the rest of the day? Well:

1 cup vegetarian 2 bean chili (homemade - spicy and yummy)
1 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
30 grms dry roasted edamame.

Yes. That's what I have left till 9:00 tonight.

Not. Good.

Tonight once I get home, it's salad city for dinner. Load up with the veggies and some lean protein and just some balsamic for dressing. All of the above food is already at 914 calories. I will only have 350 to play with.

I successfully shoved a cork in the inner-fat-girls-trap this morning at Starbucks (where I stopped to get the boys milk) who was rationalizing the purchase of a skinny mocha because "you already have a headache, it's just going to get worse without a little caffeine" and "it's just a little skim milk. It's no big deal"... oh sure fatty. A little skim milk with chemical loaded sugar free syrup that will only prompt you to want more and more and more all day. Just say "NO" to obsession.

Bitch. Trying to take advantage of my pissy mood.

On top of this, I am honing my will-of-iron to brave the "munchy meeting" this afternoon. The best scenario would be to save my yummy crunchy edamame for the meeting, so as to not be lured by pretzels.

Sorry for all the bitchin'. It's not like it's going to change anything. Long ass day, tired and grumpy as hell.

Just about sums it up.

Oh, however, I DID rock the socks off of my work out last night. Chin ups, run outs, plank drags, gliding pushups and of course, gliding mountain climbers... just to name a few. Then I went home and made the most amazing stuffed potato skins for hubby and I - sweet potato (for me, white for him) stuffed with broccoli, black bean burger, 2 tbs plain greek yogurt seasoned with garlic and onion and only using about 1/2 the potato insides. Stuffed them, put 1 oz on cheese on top and baked them up. SO good. About 300 calories.  Great meal for after workout.

Tomorrow I will do a weigh in. I'm not expecting any change, since it seems my body likes to hold out for a little bit, then drop a larger number. But, you never know, we will see.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Perpetuating the cycle - lessons of an addict

Hello Blogging world!

No update yesterday and only a quick one today?? Yep, sorry! Life goes that way sometimes!
Things are going great. I have my moments of difficulty, but so does everyone. I am hanging on in a seriously great way.

I'm a little hormonal this week, as us ladies tend to get. But, the only thing that has suffered a little is I had one extra day of "rest". Rest simply meaning no formal workout, but I am still striving for 8000 plus steps per day. Gotta keep the body moving, especially when you work a desk job 8-10 hours per day.

I remember so long ago that this little monthly nuisance would be the opportune time to eat my fool head off. No more.

I've been experimenting in the kitchen a bit more, and writing things down a little better. I tried this amazing cinnamon bread that the hubs and I had for breakfast this morning. Check it out HERE

I mean, for real? It's SO delish. This is the reason why I will not make it again for a while.

What? You may be asking?

Well, it's the plight of the food/sugar addict. Even when something is really good for me, and the stats are fabulous, I can't always just add it to my food logs all the time. I WILL begin to over-indulge in it. No, it won't be as bad as grabbing a pint of ice cream, BUT it's perpetuating the cycle. I need to *mostly* stay away from baked goods, candy or chocolate, ice creams, and snacky-type foods. Even if they are sugar free and packed with protein - it doesn't matter. My mental obsession will kick into gear. It won't be long till those healthy versions are not enough.

I'm not going down that road.

I see this happen a lot. I am actually reading a blog written by a woman who is struggling. She is trying to find the "perfect" food plan that will help her lose weight (aren't we all?) But she is tending toward flip-flopping through different plans, not liking them for one reason or another before giving them a full chance. One thing I notice though, is that for each plan, she immediately tries to figure out how to create treats that *supposedly* follow her plan rules. I KNOW her MO! I did the
SAME THING! I only perpetuate my own cycle of addiction!!

Now, I don't know this woman, so I don't know if that is her case. I only know it looks VERY familiar!

I need to follow a rule for myself: If I cannot eat it (as a food and sugar addict) in its original states (full fat, full sugar, etc) I should stay away from it in its *healthier* state. End of story.

Anyway, that's out in the open. I'm leaving work soon to go channel my inner beast at Tuff Girl, and then home to make dinner.

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Real Deal

Ah. Monday morning, again.

I could go into how I am NOT looking forward to this week, because it's a full work week and I am already plotting ways to leave work early (which I won't actually do, because I need to save my time, but in some strange way makes me feel better). BUT I WON'T spend my blogging time doing that!

I could talk about how my co-worker has already busted out cookies she made.
Her: "They are zucchini cookies!"
Me: "oh, so they have no sugar and are high fiber?"
Her: "Uh, no. Do you want one?"
Me: "Uh, no."

LOL. She is actually a lovely person and we are always going back and forth like that. She knows I won't eat any, but she taunts me anyway.

But, no, no. I won't bemoan my cookie-less fate.

(Insert crazy-happy dance)

I decided to give myself the extra day. My weigh-in day WAS scheduled for Friday 7/6. I wanted until Saturday morning and I am so glad I did. I stepped on the scale. Saw 198.6 and I thought I was going to fall over. I even called my hubby into the bathroom to look. The only other time I have done that in the past was for him to look at a positive pregnancy test!

So, needless to say, I am elated. Not only elated, but incredibly motivated to keep busting my ass. After my weigh in, I went to my workout at Tuff Girl and I SLAMED those intervals. Battle ropes, TRX rows, jumping squats, burpees, jam-ball slams... even my gliding mountain climbers... everything was TOAST. I WAS INVICIBLE.

I will refer back to a PREVIOUS POST - The scale was not showing my results at that point, and yet I HAD to perservere. Because it's DIFFERENT now. I CANNOT and WILL NOT fall back into old patterns. Was my inner binging-sugar-addicted-fat-girl BEGGING for me to return to the old mindset? Ohhh yes, she was. But it AINT gonna happen. This is IT, folks. The REAL DEAL.

Next goal is 180, and it is slated for Sept. 29 (I think? 29? 30? I can't remember now. LOL) It's the weekend of my mud run. I was put my eyes on the prize baby.

I went to my family reunion this weekend. It was really incredible to see so much family in one place. Meeting some family for the first time ever! My grandfather on my mothers side was 1 of 13 kids, so that's why we are SO large. We had well over 100 people there, and that was probably only 1/3 of us who were able to make it!

Let's talk about the food there for a second. They had a LOT of food. The only thing I was able to eat was a huge plate full of iceburg lettuce with some tomato and diced carrot. A tiny splash of vinegrette and that's all she wrote. Well, let me rewind. This is obviously not the only thing I was ABLE to eat. I physically could have eaten all the pastas and potatoes and meatballs and stuffed breads, etc. But, my salad was what I made the CHOICE to eat. I chose not to make this gathering about the food (which I totally would have done before!) and all about the family.

Of course, after, I was starving. lol. Dinner was an improvement, since we were home!

It was an event to remember, and I am sure it will be the first of many.

One more little tidbit for you - my hubby has lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks! Are you KIDDING ME?? Isn't that AMAZING?? He and I are so in synch right now!!

Eats for today:
1/2 serving Click, 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice - I will have one more of these tomorrow morning, and then the Click is OUTTIE. Mostly because the canister will be gone, I can't afford more, and I don't need it anyway...
B: Oxygen Mag Baked Pumpkin Spice Oatmeal. So. Delish.
L: 4 oz ground chicken breast, VERY spicy (thanks to hubby!), 1.4 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
S: Necterine, 1 polly-o string cheese
D: 4 oz Tempeh marinated in teriyaki. (Hard to find "clean" Teriyaki sauce. Found one sweetened with pineapple juice that's good!), mashed cauliflower.
S: Fruit smoothie (1 cup frozen berries, 1/2 plain 0% greek yogurt, 1/2 cup almond milk, 1/2 scoop Amplified Wheybolic Vanilla protein powder (GNC), sometimes I add 1/2 banana)

Tonights workout will be an at-home interval workout. Tababa and strength.

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Consider my goal SMASHED: This morning I am 198.6
Today I am going to a family reunion today holding my head high. I will update everything later on!
Thank You ALL for all of your support!!!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Back to the grind

Here I am, back at work today. At least it's Thursday, even though it feels like a Monday. That is a plus to having a holiday in the middle of the week!

Thought for the moment: money blows. Well, it actually only blows when you don't have much. I can't wait till the kids are both in school and I'm not shelling out 1400 a month on freaking daycare. *sigh*

Ok, back to more important issues. Food (fuel) and Exercise:

My eats for today:

I mentioned Yesterday that I had a new recipe for oatmeal. Made it last night for today and it's just as yum. Pretty filling, as far as oatmeal goes, I think. Ate around 8:00 and had a little snack of a little cheese around 10:30. Lunch is SOON though!

1 scoop Click (1/2 portion) and 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk
B: Yummy pumpkin oatmeal
S: 1.5 oz cabot 75% reduced fat cheese
L: 1 cup vegetarian chili (batch is finally gone!) 1 oz cabot 75% reduced fat cheese
S: 6 medium strawberries, 1 oz almonds
D: likely a salad. I will probably NOT want to turn on the oven to cook!

Saving snack #2 for my "munchy meeting" where I sometimes fall into the pretzel trap. Not with yummy strawberries and my arsenal of almonds!

Workout: Tonight will probably be my sweaty core routine. I want to add some balance exercises too. My balance is NOT good and I need to work on it, especially for the mud-run coming in September. Balance can make or break on when you have to jump from tree stump to tree stump. I don't want to fall off those damn things! Anyone out there have any ideas?

Weigh in is coming up. I have not decided if I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning, or give myelf one more working day and do Saturday morning. Either way, it's coming. The goal is 199. Logically, I know it's not going to happen. But hey, I also believe in miracles!

Hope everyone out there is doing great! Soldier on, my friends!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th to you and yours!

I hope everyone had a spectacular 4th!

Mine was nice and quiet (well, relatively, I DO have a 2 year old!). I started the day off with a spectacularly difficult workout. All I'm going to say is burpees. Lots and lots of burpees. I mean, there was other stuff too, but the burpees are what I am trying to forget the most. LOL.

Then we packed up the kiddies and went to my moms. It was slightly impromptu, and my mom said she would go out and get food and such. When we got there and I saw what she bought, I wanted to cry. Not because I was disappointed in the selection, but because she had so carefully purchased and prepared the healthiest picnic I could have imagined. Tilapia filets, and roasted veggies in abundance. Dessert? Watermelon. So incredible. I have always known that my mom, and my whole family, have been supportive of me. Not just in weight loss, but in EVERYTHING I do. But this was like the epitome of support. Plus, it was delish! I felt SO good being there, hanging with my family and everyone eating healthy, whole foods and enjoying it. I know there are people out there who don't have this kind of support. I am so, so, so incredibly blessed.

Side note - I keep having to remind myself it's not Saturday.

Another side note - Thing 1 is still sick. Fever, but nothing else really going on. Odd. He has to stay out of school tomorrow, and luckily, my mom is saving the day again. She had already planned for the day off and is going to take him. THANK YOU MOM!!!

Oooh, oooh, oooh. I tried another another OATMEAL recipe. It's not overnight oats, but it's incredible. I got it from Oxygen Magazine's website. (The best (read: ONLY) fitness mag, IMHO. If you don't subscribe, YOU SHOULD). It's baked pumpkin spice oatmeal. A.Maz.Ing. Ringing in at just 199 calories, fabulous protein and fiber, this is a WINNER. The only modification I made was I added 1.5 teaspoon of Stevia to the mixture. (I actually made a double batch, so that was 1 tbs total) I made some this morning and it passed the hubby test with flying colors. So, I made another batch for tomorrow. SWEET.

Ok, well, I am going to bed. I need some extra sleep tonight, as I was up 4 times with my poor little Thing 1 last night. Friday morning is weigh in. I'm trying not to have ANY expectations, because I feel so awesome. I am going to keep this feeling.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... and I'm feelin' goooood

Yes, that's right my blogger friends, I'm feeling good.

Eating is going great. Still experimenting with breakfasts, and this morning I had to default to my vegetarian sausage. I did it without the peanut butter, though, so the calories for my day will still be evenly distributed.
The thing is, I just feel really good. I feel light, energetic. I look smaller, as in, less bloated. I know the scale is not saying what I want it to, but I also know changes are happening

I still get that pull of the crap food. I was thinking about a snack when I was packing my lunch last night for today, and I thought "oh, I'll just get a bag of pretzels" - obviously, I had to stop myself and make that shit right! (I grabbed a peach). That little bitch addiction of me is never far away. I must never, ever forget that.

I put my hubby through the paces of an awesome 5 round workout (3 round tabata, 2 round strength). It was a grand sweaty riot. Even Thing 1 did it all with us! Of course, he did a little more dancing to the music we had on than actually doing burpees, plank jacks, or goblet squats, but he did great, and had a ball!

Speaking of Thing 1 - I just got a call a little while ago from daycare that he is sick. Sent the hubby off to get him, since I have almost NO paid time off left. But, it always makes me feel bad when I can't be home to take care of him.

So, that's the update for now... some exciting things are coming down the pike as far as my career change goes... moving forward on things, a bit sooner than anticipated. We will see what happens!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Epic. Fail.

No, not me! My overnight oats experiment!! UGH!

So, I decided to try out what everyone has been raving about. These overnight oats certainly have their appeal in quickness in the AM. I found a recipe that called for steel cut oats, which my hubby and I prefer. It contained (in each of 2 containers) 1/2 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1/2 tbs organic honey, and spices like cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice. It smelled like apple pie, without the apple, when I was mixing it up, so I added 1/2 chopped apple. I mixed it all, and put it in the fridge with a tight lid, as directed.

THEN I entered the recipe into Livestrong to track it - 413 calories. WHAT???? 


So, I'm thinking, these freaking oats better be so amazing that I am not hungry for HOURS.

I pre-planned my entire day to offset the large amount of calories this oatmeal was going to cost me.

I get into work this morning, and I am eyeing this container suspiciously. I heated it up (cause I really like oatmeal hot. You are supposed to be able to eat it cold, too). I take it back to my desk and take a bite.


OMG. Tasteless with a side of bitter. LOL. Of course,  I decided this was not worth 400 calories. This was not worth... well... anything!! I dug my apples out, so I had 1/2 apple and 1 oz of cheese for breakfast.

Oh well, an experiment gone bad!

I will try overnight oats again, but I will use the quick oats, which will cut the calories in half. AND obviously will try a different recipe over all.

My hubby was so funny - he took the other container. When I asked him what he thought, he said "well, umm, they are... um, ok". I'm like - "don't spare my feelings- they are horrible!" He laughed - and totally agreed!

Today is a little rough now, since I am starving. But, I have made it to lunch. 1/2 cup homemade chili, 3/4 cup roasted veggies, with 1/2 sweet potato, 1 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese

I was a lazy butt yesterday and I did not exercise. Tonight I will make up for that by torturing myself with a little Bob Harper Total Body Transformation. Yeah, the one where his model exercisers fall on the floor from fatigue.

I'm staying off the scale till Friday. No need in driving myself bonkers.

Out for now!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A weekend to be proud of

Sunday evening is upon us and I have SO much to be proud of this weekend. I wanted to share these little victories with you all.

First, my workout Saturday was STELLAR. I am a rock star. I'm sorry, it's true. It's taken me a very, very long time to feel proud about the things I do. I finally do.

The workout was called "The Avenger". It was a strength/cardio circuit workout. Teams of 4, 2 on cardio section (like squat jacks, burpees, or mountain climbers) the other 2 would do strength (dead-lifts, exploding shoulder presses, push-up to plank row). 40 second interval, then the teams would switch. It was amazing.

I was on my gliding mountain climbers, which are just a bitch. Suddenly, my trainer, Christa was there next to me. She said "Do you remember when you couldn't even keep yourself up on these gliders? Now, look at you." I seriously wanted to cry. She was so right. I have come so. damn. far.

Today, I wore a bathing suit. This may not seem like much, but I was always the fat girl in the pants and tee shirts. If I ever went to a pool, it was in a pair of shorts (which was a nightmare to me) and a long tee-shirt. Not today. I put on my bathing suit (size large). I did not put on a tee shirt. I did not put on shorts. I walked with my family up to our condo pool, which was quite busy, and I went in the pool with my tribe. I didn't even care about the skin hanging from my arms. I was too proud of myself to give a shit.

Now on to food for the weekend. I have been VERY tempted all weekend, but especially today, to eat junk. It took a lot of work to stay on track. I did the grocery shopping today and I kept to my list and did not buy any junk.

I did a little breakfast makeover and it worked very nicely. I am going to see if I can do the same during the week when we are rushing around to get to work. We will see.

Here is what I had today. Yesterday was similar:

B: fruit smoothie (1/2 cup plain greek yogurt, 1 cup frozen berries, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder, blended)
S: 1/2 click shake, 2 polly o 2% cheese sticks
L: large veggie chopped salad with good seasons dressing, 30 grms oven roasted edamame.
D: 1 cup vegetarian chili (homemade) 1/2 sweet potato, roasted with zucchini, red pepper and onion. 2 tbs low sugar BBQ sauce on veggies.
S: still contemplating. Maybe a nice chilled bowl of strawberries.

Perfectly on calories. Sodium is way down.

You can see the Click shake is still there. This is because I KNOW myself, and if I take everything all out at once, I will end up binging on crap. Will keep the Click at 1/2 serving for now.

Going to give overnight oats a try tonight for tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.

The scale in Saturday morning said I was up another pound. I really don't understand. But, it's not about understanding right now. It's about staying with what I KNOW is the right thing to do and the right way to eat. I know this is right. Whole foods. Real foods. Weighed and measured. The weight loss just HAS to follow.

So, there's the update from the weekend. Back to the grind tomorrow.