Monday, March 31, 2014

Weigh In Results and Weekend Workouts!

Happy Monday, Strivers! (That's my "sarcasm" font)

Seriously, though. I hope everyone had a good weekend and you are all getting the week off on the right foot!

CRAZY weather this morning! Rain to snow to sleet to hail??? WTF??

Before anything else: Weigh in was Saturday morning.................... 211!

I'm down 5 lbs in the 10 days I have been working my program with Luke. 

Obviously, I am very excited about this!

BUT - gotta keep moving forward!

You're not going to believe this, but I totally neglected to take a picture of Saturdays workout! Wha?? How could I forget that?? It was tabata style (25sec on, 10 off) and it worked everything - from box jumps to ropes, from sled sprints to pushups. It was killer and awesome. 

I also went last night and there was NO board! Just like the old days! We did a body-weight traditional tabata (20 on, 10 off) and let me tell you - there were burpees. regular old burpees, burpees with pushup, one armed burpees, one legged burpees... Whew!

Tonight? Kickboxing! I'm excited to sweat my ass off!

Hubby and I are going to start going to out local gym together 2-3 times per week. I am going to continue Bodyology 1 time per week on Sundays. 

Just. Can't. Give. It. Up.

Did my prep work for food this week yesterday:

Zucchini lasagna prep
I love getting prep done on the weekends. It makes my week feel  a little easier! Because of filming last weekend, I didn't get to do it, and I was REALLY stressing. So, I ended up spending money I really didn't have on salads for lunch. 

Work is still sucking... but I'm taking it one day at a time. School is going - math is a struggle, but I'm starting to get some of it. 

Keep moving forward, my friends!

Friday, March 28, 2014


Oh Friday, I have been longing for you for... well, a week!

Food, water, activity are all going strong, and I weigh in tomorrow. I am really excited to see the results.

I'm learning to tweak my day better so that I get a good, even amount of protein at each meal and to get between 140-160 grams per day. I am still trying to get to the 160 mark, but I am OK with it as long as I'm at least close to 140. I am normally eating 4 meals a day, but if I get really hungry, I will eat again. 


Salad with about 4 oz of tuna. Protein Power!

My last workout was Wednesday. Iron WOman is one of the hardest workouts I think we do at Bodyology. It was the one that I first cried in oh-so-long-ago. The metabolic section has changed slightly, and I am pretty positive it has gotten harder:

I not only conquered this bitch, BUT I did it with ADVANCED reps for EVERY section. INCLUDING metabolic. I reached 185# on my sumo DL, and 80# on my floor press (40# each hand), and 25# on my squat and press (I've been stuck at 20# forever!)

The Metabolic section is basically doing all 6 exercises, 10 reps each, continuously until the 10 minutes is over.

I ended the workout with the metabolic component, just to be extra hard on myself. ;-)

I felt AMAZING. I mean, you know, EXHAUSTED, but AMAZING.

Workout tomorrow morning, and then the day is going to be focused on my sick little boys. Thing 1 started with a fever and terrible cough/headache last weekend, and it's still lingering. Thing 2 is NOW starting with the same thing. I think we will likely be quarantined this weekend, with plenty of snuggling, Motrin, and soup. 

I hope your weekend is fever and cough free!

Keep moving forward...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Still here and going strong

Hey guys!

I know, bad, bad blogger!

Took the day off on Friday and did a 4 mile hike with the hubs. 

Sunday, I was busy doing this all day:

I think I mentioned I had been cast in a film - Charlie Gorman's Wake. A local film here that will be submitted to Indy film festivals. We had a lot of fun, but I was there from 9 till 6:30. Totally exhausted. I am very proud to say, however, that I did not eat any of the on-set junk. I brought some things with me, and when I ran out (and I did) I just waited till I got home. Win!

I've been on track and feeling good. I don't weight myself till Saturday - I'm both nervous and excited about what it will say.

There is so much negativity associated with the scale. I have to continue to remind myself that it is a TOOL and not a measure of ME and a PERSON.

Duh, right?

But some of you out there know what I mean.

I looked at my stats from yesterday and my inner re-stricter cringed. Fat grams at 87, calories at just under 1700... I started to get nervous. I forwarded them to Luke - and he was VERY happy. Especially that I was getting my fat higher. Ha!

Where is the fat coming from, you might ask? Well, things like coconut oil, olive oil, meat, some dairy. 

The premise is (and studies have been showing more and more) that increased fat in the body, with decreased carbohydrates (not including those from veggies) help the body to burn more fat. 

I guess we will see if this premise is working for me soon enough.

I conquered this beast on Monday:

Don't let it fool you. It is MAJOR. Wow, sweat-fest!

I'm on deck for tonight too - Iron WOman. I pray it's not the one with 50 burpees - I'll let you know. 

That's it for now, guys. 

Keep moving forward...

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Day 2, again

It's only day two. It feels so daunting. I feel my legs rubbing uncomfortably and I am mortified at my existence.

But I am smiling, and I am pretending it's OK to be moving through life right now. 

I'm almost 68 oz into my 100-120 oz of water today.

One cup of coffee - no more

Here is my outline for today:

Luke wants me to up my fat a little more. So, I'll add some butter to my broccoli tonight and that should work out nicely.

Last night was very, very long and stressful as anticipated. I was riddled with headache all night. I was only able to scarf down 1/2 of my planned salad for dinner because I was home for approx 15 minutes before running over to church. So, at the church I had a bowl of the home-made chicken soup. Chicken, veggies, broth, seasoning - that was it. I asked the cook. LOL. It was very good and helped me get through the dinner, cleanup and the meeting (which went very well). I completely avoided all the home made bread, and desserts that were also in attendance. It sucked at the time, but I am very proud. 

I didn't get home until 10:30 - sleeping after 11:00 and Thing 2 was up at 4:00, for no reason. I tried to get him to go back to sleep, but all he did was wake up his brother and they started playing in their room at about 4:45. Shoot. Me. So, I'm tired. The only positive thing about being up at 5:00 AM was this:
Lily LOVES to be in the bathtub - as long as there is no water in it!

Yesterday I decided to take tomorrow off of work. Yes, I have an understanding supervisor. She knows I have been doing the job of several people and I need a break. I convinced hubby to take it off with me.

Let's do it, guys - 
Keep Moving Forward... 

ETA: If you want to join me on MyFitnessPal, my user name is kelliannfesta

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Son of a Bitch

I look at myself in the mirror and I can't F*cking BELIEVE I let myself get here.

216 guys. 2 mother f*cking 16

My ass is HUGE. My legs are TREE-TRUNKS.

I told myself it would NEVER happen. I would NEVER LET it happen.

And here I am.

I am taking control. I know I've said it, but I have gotten help and I am going to make this work.

No stress, no schedule, no emotion is going to get in the way.

I'm using the MyFitnessPal app, which is actually VERY cool, to send all my food and exercise to my trainer everyday. This is what today looks like: (I know it says tomorrow, but I planned it, logged it, and took the screen shots last night)

I'm very happy with my macros, and so is Luke.

Calories are just over 1600 --

I'll be hitting the gym tomorrow after work with the hubs, then I have a workout slated for Saturday morning.

I am going to plan for each day with food the day before. I am going to do this one day at a time.

These first few days are a little tough because of getting rid of the sugar and caffeine (by default).

TONS of water means TONS of bathroom trips. This will all even out.

Today, after work, I go directly to church to help out at a function on behalf of the music board. After that, I go to my first church council meeting (as music board chair. OMG) and lobby for a church sponsored summer show with our theater company.

No, I'm not stressed at all.
I won't get home till probably 9:30, when I will proceed to fall into bed.

I am filming on Sunday and I am so grossed out with how I look. If I could get away with not doing it, I would. How sad is that? Giving up opportunity because I am unhappy with how I look. Talk about a blast from the past. Sucks.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Keep F*cking Moving Forward...

Friday, March 14, 2014

Crawling out...

As I get a bit back to normal (thank you Dr. Psychiatrist man) I am feeling calmer. I hate being on medication to regulate my mood. However, I will take being pissed about that over being in a big, huge, black hole.


So, just a little bit on what I have been doing. And where I am headed.

Things I know:

No matter how low you feel in life, someone else is suffering more. No matter how miserable I feel, I still need to give to others that are doing worse.

Hubby and I have a friend in the hospital. She recently had to have surgery, and is now in treatment for her illness, and the treatment is very difficult. We took some time last 
weekend to make her this blanket.

It came out really pretty. I love the color combo, and she really loved it as well. 

Last night I came across this picture. It was taken almost a year ago. I remember trying on this dress and loving it, but thinking I wanted to lose another 20 lbs. I look at it now, and I have 30 lbs to get BACK there. 

Working things on my own are not working. I cannot focus. I slipping and sliding everywhere. 

So, I am reaching out for help.

I am going to start working with a nutritional consultant from Bodyology. I’ve spoken with him extensively now, and trained with him a lot. He knows about some of my history, and he will know more very soon. 

I feel confident that if I can get some focus – someone focused on ME and MY specific nutritional needs, it will help ME to focus on ME.

I am excited about this. Communication with him is key, and he has already made clear that we will be in touch in one way or another every day. 

This is what I need. 

I am feeling exhausted by everything I am doing. This takes a little bit of brainwork out of the plan I am following. He tells me. I do it. I communicate with him on problems, issues, and he helps me troubleshoot. He understands and is supportive, but also straightforward and to the point.

I will keep you all posted on how things are transpiring. Moving in the right direction…

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Here it is

I’m not sure where this post is going to go. I know that things are wring right now. My thoughts are wrong. My actions are wrong. My body is wrong. My spirit is wrong.

As I posted on my Facebook Page  yesterday, I promised honesty. Even when it’s ugly and frustrating, I am not going to lie to you. Why would I do that, you might ask? Why pretend everything is lovely when it’s not? Well, one reason I know that other bloggers do it is because of the judgment they receive when they are honest about being off the path. But judge away. I’m not going to lie about anything.

I, like many, suffer from depression and anxiety. I am sure I have mentioned this before. For several reasons, my meds lapsed, and I thought I would be ok. Until I wasn’t. 

I knew there was a problem when I didn’t want to go to the workouts I loved so much. And when I did go, it took everything in me not to cry throughout. I put all of my energy into them to try and block everything else out. But I could feel my energy level was much lower than normal. Picking up lighter weights for a movement is hard on the self-esteem.

My husband knew when I started telling him “I just want everyone to leave me alone”… 

It was a slow decline. So slow that I didn’t really notice it until I fell off the “cliff”. Until I was in the black hole of The Nothing. Getting out of The Nothing is hard work. It’s hard work to try and keep all of your over-scheduled balls in the air with kids, home, work, school, workouts, committees, tutoring… You feel like you are drowning and there is nothing to hold on to. But you have to keep it going. If you drop those balls, everyone else will fall apart too. And it will be all your fault. 

Additional pressure.

At work I am doing the job of 2+ people again. I am attempting to train a temp for one position, but there are complications that prevent her from taking over the whole job. It’s beyond stressful. I don’t wear makeup to work anymore, because I cry at least once a day and it washes off, so why bother?

School is difficult. I am not a math person and I am feeling behind. So, I got a tutor. I’m very happy for the help, but finding the time in my schedule to be tutored is difficult. I’m home less and less, and although I know they will be fine, my mama-guilt comes into play. 

My eating has not been horrible. By that I mean, I am not binging. That is a plus for me, for sure. I’m not eating clean. I’m snacking mindlessly. I’m eating for comfort. I keep trying to return to my clean eating ways, and I feel a sense of anger and resentment. It exacerbates my anxiousness. I cave. 

I could drag all this out and explain every reason why I am overwhelmed, but you don’t want to read all of that. A lovely friend of mine reminded me not too long ago that over-scheduling is like BEGGING for bad eating habits to reign. She is probably right about that. But there is simply nothing that I feel I can let go of right now. The only thing I could let go of that wouldn’t effect anyone else is my workouts. It’s the only thing I do that is just for me. I can’t give those up, although that will have to change at the end of the month. 

I know I am sucking. My clothes fit terribly; my self-esteem is in the toilet. I’m avoiding mirrors. When I was thinking about this post, I briefly thought it would be better to say that I had been drinking (no, I have not) than to admit I have been eating. Isn’t that horrible? I am so disgusted with myself, that I would have felt better if I had a drinking problem over an eating problem. 

Now that in itself is a problem. 

I’m not going to blather on anymore. I have my meds. I am faithfully taking them, and I am trying to be kind to myself and move through the day one moment at a time. 

Keep moving forward – whatever that might mean for you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Short update

Hey there "strivers"

Can't post too much. Having an emotionally tough time right now. Really down in the depression pit.

Once again attempting to claw my way out.

Eating is surprisingly NOT bad. Go figure.

As soon as I am up to it, and out from under piles of work, I will update again.

Don't forget me.