What do you say

What do you say when you don't have words to describe how you feel. When hubby is snoring next to you and em you desperately want to be sleeping so your brain can rest, but you can't slow it down enough to drift off.

Last night, after a stressful and intense council meeting, it was decided that the position I am to fill as music director will be funded. I have been hired, which is wonderful. It also means I will now have 2 jobs that will require approx 50-60 hours of work per week, 7 days a week.

I love what I do. Now I have to try and relax a little do I can enjoy my work. And also find time to just "be". Relax. Play. Have fun. Every time I attempt to take some relaxation time, I think of all the things to be done (house cleaning, appointments to make, groceries, cooking, lesson planning, class schedules and cirriculums, emails and phone calls to return, music sorting and scheduling) and I feel compelled to do it, no matter how long I've already been working. 

Obviously I'm tired and talking in stress, so I'm off to try to turn my brain off and sleep. Peace. 

Everything happens for a reason

Hey guys,

I mentioned I was asked to become the new music director at my church. Well, now there's a big to-do going on about money and salaries, etc, and it might not happen. Very disappointing. But I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Right... 

Does the winter get anyone else down? Damn. And it's not nearly over!

I purchased a nutribullet and I'm excited to use it. Protein smoothies for breakfast, here I come! Boys love them too so it's a total win. 

I'm getting to the gym this week much more regularly now that the kids are both back in school. Eating has been better too. Logging my food, drinking my water, yada yada. Boy, is this as boring to read as it is to write, or am I just really in the dumps? Ehh, regardless...

Peace.

Update 2 - video

My thoughts as I tried to walk off some anxiety the other night....

Update Number 1

Ok, here I am - ready to update you on the happenings.

You guys know in August I decided to take the plunge and start my own studio again (voice studio). I got my feet a little wet - and before I knew it, I had enough students to give my full time job my 2 weeks notice. Terrified is a good word, but I plowed forward.

My official studio picture. This is the face I put out to all potential students.

The last time I wrote (prior to NYD), I had 2 days left of work and I was ready to get out of there, but still super worried. I had about 15 students at that point. By the time the first week of teach rolled around, I had about 18. Now I have 30. So, in 3.5 months, I have a completely full voice studio, which now has a waiting list, I am interim part-time music director at my church, and I run early childhood education music classes 2 times per month.

As you can imagine, I am working MORE than 40 hours per week. But it doesn't even matter. I really DO love it. It's stressful and frustrating and magical and wonderful.

But there is still struggle. I am still trying to structure my time so I am not always working ("oh, I'll just answer this e-mail quick", "This will only take a second..."). I am constantly pulled in many, many, many directions. I finished up the class I was taking, did really well, but I cannot afford to go back next semester without the reimbursement from my previous job. A major downfall, for sure, but I'm not going to give up on it. I am saving for the fall and hopefully can continue one class at a time to finish my associates in nutrition and dietetics.

And of course, the reason we are all here, right? The struggle with eating and exercise. Luckily, my exercise has not really dropped off too much. A few weeks during the holidays, I only made it to the gym 2 times, but that was at it's lowest. The eating, however... *sigh*

See, I'm a very focused person (ahem, semi-obsessive) but when I get focused on something, other things tend to fall away. Their importance is minimized. That's what happened with food prep, weighing and measuring, counting and caring about what I was eating when the studio took off.

2 days ago, on my vocal studio Facebook page, I did a little recap on how blessed I was by how the last few months had played out. Someone called me their "hero". This felt laughable to me. Not only laughable, but panic inducing. I'll be posting a video I took on my walk that evening, sharing my thoughts on it.

So, what's the plan, you might want to know. Well, here it is. I'm going to be working very, very hard on dividing my time appropriately. Gym time in the morning works really well. I get some housework done before I bring the boys to school and I hit the gym on the way home. Bam. Done. I get home, shower and my workday begins. I have to find the time for food prep and I need to make sure every shred of the holidays (food, and decorations) is out of my house.

Tomorrow on the way home from church, grocery store and food prep will start as soon as I get home. If the good food is there, I will eat it. If the crap food is there, I will eat it. Duh. Keep it out.

A very good friend of mine joined me in a dietbet so hopefully that helps the motivation as well. Being in the trenches with someone is so helpful. And unfortunately, I don't have anyone else interested in getting healthier right now (ahem, hubby). The good thing is he will mostly just eat what I cook and if he gets something out, he doesn't bring it home.

 Anyway, that's the plan. I have my shopping list, my menu planned and the tight feeling in my pants telling me to GET IT TOGETHER.

A little glimpse at my Thing 1 and Thing 2, cause they are adorbs:

I will... as always... keep moving forward...

Is there anybody out there?

Wow, long time no see, huh? A lot has gone on over the last 4 months and I'll fill you in a bit at a time. So, why am I back? Well, this is one place I can fully vent. Put out my true feelings. I don't have any other place like that right now. So, if there IS someone reading: you're it.

Social media, while full of friends and family, is also now filled with clients and students. So, airing any big insecurities is not a great idea there. Even my Strong Mama K facebook has access to people I may not want to be bearing my soul to.

Anyway, Happy New Year. I'll be back again to give you the story from September on.

Peace.

My poor, neglected blog

Poor baby! I'm sorry I have neglected you, my little blog!

Alright - hi guys. 

I lost a follower in my absence! *sigh* Oh well!

I wouldn't say I've been "off the wagon". I've been hanging on. Maybe to a little tiny corner with my pinkie finger, but I've hung on!

AND, it's paid off, my friends. No, I haven't lost any weight. But, even with my occasional stress eating and being unable to do my hardcore workouts, I have NOT gained any weight!

That is a VICTORY as far as I am concerned!

But, now is the time to get re-focused. So, I am going to what has motivated me for the last few months. Diet Bet! I just joined another game that starts TODAY. I'm glad. No down time! I'll submit my pic later today and I am already off and running!

This is going to take even more determination now. In 2 days, I will be working for myself. I will have unstructured time that I will have to create structure within. I need to do that immediately, so that I don't get lax with anything.

I'm going to make the gym in the AM a priority. Drop the kids off, hit the gym. Go home, shower, breakfast and work for a few hours. Lunch, housework, Teaching. Pick up kids, teaching, class. Repeat.

Frightening.

Anyway, I'm running to class. But I'll be back more often again.

As always - keep moving forward...

The Cat is outta the bag...

It's official.

My last day of my current 40hour-per-week job will be next Friday.

I'm taking a very large, scary leap. 

Will update soon.