Time... where for at thou, time?

"Fat loss is simple once you realize how hard it is. Then you know how much effort, honesty, responsibility, long-range planning, creativity, intensity, discipline, thought and control the process is going to take. It is not easy. It is not going to happen from any magic pill. Only once you accept that will you succeed." -Lean Bodies Consulting via Tuffgirlfitnessct.com
Going to a Tuff Girl Workout tonight. Almost had to cancel, but I'm gonna make it.
Been eating ok, and then not ok. It's really about my time management. As in, I have no time. If I have clean, healthy foods to easily grab for he day, I do... but if I haven’t had time to make some, I am up a creek and grabbing whatever I can find.

To those of you who are thinking "you have to MAKE time", here is a look at my Saturday schedule. Sunday is very similar:
5:30 AM - up with J & S
6:30 AM - Walk/run? (I hope I can get out for this, but the kids have a good way of sabotaging!!)
7:30 AM - shower - then breakfast
8:00 AM - A shower
8:30 AM - Morgan
9:00 AM - Jackie
10:00 AM – Maddie
10:30 AM - Lizzy
11:00 AM - Auditions
12:00 PM - Anna, Kerena, Kevin
1:00 PM - Allyson (till 1:30/1:45)
2:00 PM - Rehearsal - till 5
5:30 PM - Lara
6:00 PM - Sam's bedtime
6:30 PM - Dinner (hopefully)
7:30 PM - Josh bedtime
8:00 PM on - ??

The time I am hoping to prepare some food for the week is that “??” after that 8:00 PM hour. I am hoping I have enough energy to do it - but really? That might be a long shot.
All the names you see are my voice students. It's my part time job that I do all weekend long. I love them, but it IS work.
This is standard for Saturday and Sunday. M-F I'm up with the boys at 5:30, getting us all ready to be out the door by 6:30 to get to daycare and work. I work till 4:30. Monday and Wednesday I leave work and go to class till 8:20. Currently Tuesday and Thursday I have been seeing students right after work, Thursday at 7:30 is church choir rehearsal. All this including getting the kids fed, bathed, in bed... or even just spending time with them!
I don't know what to do. My eating is suffering and my exercise is suffering... so is my sanity.
Or, is this just an excuse? I spent a lot of my fat life making excuses, so sometimes it's hard to tell if there is a real obstacle, or if it's an excuse. Feel free to weigh in.

Pushed in the mud

I've been pushed into the mud, and then smooshed in even further. It would be so exceptionally easy to lie there, covered in mud, knowing that I can't be pushed down again if I just lay still. There are times I really contemplate giving up getting back up again.

I've been figuratively stabbed in the back by a friend playing passive aggressive games - assumed that I could read their mind and figure out what they needed... and because I couldn't, it seems that's it. I'm apparently dispensable. And frankly, that's fine. I'm tired of the games anyway.
Every step we take with the theater company, we are pushed back a half step (at least)... and I really want to give up the constant pushing.
I dared to stand up for myself in the face of a nasty, snide person I have to deal with... and got no support from the person I turned to.
My heart aches for all the loss in my family this past year. Not just the loss, but all the questions. The longing to ask WHY. The longing to show BPM how much he was/is loved and needed in hopes that would change things. When I think of how much his passing effected our family, and how it broke my Mima's heart - right up till her last moments... I ache all over again.
I stuff my feelings with food... and it's not even working any more... that should be a wake-up call if nothing else. I've put on a few pounds, feeling slow and tired and sluggish.
So, what does one do?
*sigh*
We get up again... and again...and again...

We say "screw you" to the people trying to dispose of us, to the pushing, to the bullying, to the un-supportive people and to the heartache. We emerge from the mud and breathe in the fresh air. We wipe ourselves off, and we keep moving forward. Sometimes we don't like it (like right now) but we know better. My mother didn't raise me to quit anything. My Mima always told me not to give up on my dreams. I would be doing them and myself such a disservice to take all of my hard work, in all aspects of my life, and just throw it away because I was tired of fighting back. So, I will keep fighting.

"If you want something bad enough, you have the power to make it happen--no matter what other people have to say, no matter how tough the odds at first appear to be. Are you willing to make a choice? Do you have the courage to start? Can you make the commitment to finish?" -- UNLEASH THE WARRIOR WITHIN by Richard "Mack" Machowicz

Grief

Grief can overtake you in different forms, and at different times. A birthday, special holiday, an anniversary... Suddenly you can feel transported back to a moment. When the phone rang. When the news came. The pins and needles that overtake your body, the blood drains from your face and you can hear your heart pounding in your ears as you try to comprehend what you've just heard.
I know from experience that that feeling takes a long time to ebb. My step-father passed away on May 8, 2002. Almost 9 years ago, and it still stings. I still cry. I think of him everyday, and miss him everyday.
It's been a year, almost to the day that we lost Brian. My cousin. But he was also a son, brother, nephew, "uncle", friend and a dear, sweet guy. We lost him way before April 25, 2010, we just didn't know it. None of us did - not his family, not those living with him, not his best friends. And then, he was just gone. With his passing, so many questions remained. Still unanswered. So much still unknown. So much regret, ache, and longing to go back and fix what was broken inside him. But we never can. There is no solace in our inabilities. There is only solace that his pain is no longer inside him... and we as mere mortals can only take so much comfort in that - because we want him back with us.
There is a young man who works in my building at Yale who looks so much like Brian. Every time I see him, there is a millisecond of recognition - almost as though I think it's really him. Then I remember. And it makes me sigh. Will I ever be able to glance at this young man and, even for the tiniest of moments, NOT think it's Brian? God, I hope so - but I just don't think so.

God bless you, Brian. We love you and miss you so much.
dodhearmadta - "Never to be forgotten"

Day 4? Who knows...

I've seen a lot of blogs lately about people struggling and needing change. You might think I'm nuts (I've been called worse) but I think it's the season change that does it - our bodies cry out for change, a revamp, something new an different. We are emerging from our wintry cocoons... What do we need? What will help us emerge strong and triumphant into Spring? I think it will be EXERCISE. Even if my eating has not been great, I am really feigning to get out and start back to the gym… classes, bootcamps, spinning…. I need it back!! I can’t WAIT till this semester is over, so I have MORE time to play with.

You know I have been trying desperately to get out of my sugar rush. I've had a back slide today, but feeling ok about just moving on. Every moment is a NEW moment to make a GOOD choice. I will stick with what I have packed for the rest of today.
Because we have tomorrow off, and it's a holiday weekend, there seems to be goodies all around. This is not an excuse, I am admitting I am weak and let go of my resolve. But I also can't blame the office, because I got a coffee on the way into work...
I had a nice walk with the hubs yesterday, and I have to update that... there will probably not be any working out today. It being Maundy Thursday, the choir is singing at service tonight and I will be there all evening. I am sure once I get home, exercise will be the last thing on my mind, and bed will be the first.
Will be updating again later...

Food Journal, Day 3, or, moving in the right direction...

Ok folks...
We are moving right along!
Food journal Day 3, even more improved from Day 2.
First, let me be upfront about last night.
I left work and had to go to the grocery store. By myself. I had my list and I was determined to stick to it. My only stray was to pick up some hummus and high fiber crackers. I call it a stray because I normally make my own hummus.
I DID NOT buy ANY junk. No chocolate, no ice cream, no chips, no diet soda.
I was/am SO proud.
My dinner was probably a little portion-large, but it was good. Chicken breast meatloaf (the one I forgot to bring for lunch yesterday) corn and a baked sweet potato. I threw some cheese (full fat) on the meatloaf and melted it up. Portion heavy, especially for me, and I certainly felt it.
Then 45 minutes of kickboxing mania. Hubs and I worked our butts off. My legs are reminding me of it today. It was great. I was/am SO proud we did it, even though the couch was calling!

After the workout, I had a protein shake. Delish, good for post workout. Drank some water and got my butt to bed (After the Biggest Loser.)
However, it was this MORNING that was MOST impressive, if I do say so myself.
I DID NOT GO TO STARBUCKS.

..... what, no applause?? LOL. Ok, it may not sound like a big deal, but I have visited Satrbucks daily, especially in the mornings, for WEEKS. It's a big deal to me.
I made myself a Click shake, and have the following foods with me:
Arnold whole wheat flat bread, 2 tbs PB
pear
strawberries
Lg salad with lots of broccoli and red kidney beans
chicken breast meatloaf
Good Seasons salad dressing
Kashi go lean cereal

I really think this will be good for the day, while I am at work, and I will have a nice dinner when I get home.
Tonight is usually class, but I have church choir rehearsal for tomorrow nights service, so I am skipping out. It will also give me a little time to get a walk in when I get home.
Feeling good. On my second 23 oz bottle of water so far. I CAN do this. I can get back what I lost... and lose what I gained... lol. Give it a minute.

Day 2, part 2

Because I am using the blog as a food journal, and we all know that food, overeating, and over consumption of things like sugar and fat are tied to emotions, you can expect that there may be numerous posts on how I am feeling, especially in these first few days while I am cutting down on these things. Again.
Today has been hard. I have fought off many, many urges to run and buy the big-as-your-face cookies they have in the cafe here, and with the help of my husband, have been able to stay away. A funny thing is that the cookies aren't really even THAT good... it's just they were sugar, and fat, and I "needed" it.
Because of the lunch in the fridge debacle, I ate an unplanned lunch with the hubs. Steamed dumplings and some boneless spare ribs from one of the outside "carts" here at the hospital. Not the "best" choice - perhaps, but it could have been worse... and trust me, I had my eye on "worse".
But after lunch, I freaked out and told hubby I was going for a cookie, and that on my way home I was gonna stop and stockpile all the goodies. I couldn't do this no-sugar thing right now. It was too overwhelming.
Damn, what a drama queen, huh?
I think it was the lunch. Having something unplanned and really not "clean" was giving me a "go ahead"... "you've already "screwed up" you might as well go all the way!!" Said my black-or-white thinking. "Eater is this weekend, and after that, you won't be able to have any more crème eggs - might as well have them now!" - although I must admit, THAT excuse is still plaguing me...
The hubs talked me down. But I mean, come on - is it hard? Yes. Does it suck (especially the first few days?) Yes. Can I do it? YES. COME ON. I've been through a lot worse than cutting down on/cutting out sugar.
Anyway, it's rough right now, but I am fighting through. Kickboxing with hubby tonight. Which is good, since I feel like hitting something.

Food journal: Day 2

Good morning!
Ok, food journal day 2... I'm not going to sugar coat anything (no pun intended)I am telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. What's the point of doing anything else? Not writing it certainly doesn't mean I didn't consume it!
I started the morning with a grande non fat no whip mocha. I know, I know... I'm trying. I am vey proud of myself that I did not have any cadbury creme eggs yesterday, and that I did not add anything to the mocha, like a scone or chocolate cookies.
Yes, you can see how bad things have gotten. Adding these things to the 2-3 coffee drinks I was having per day had become almost the norm.
Last night, the hubs and I put together awesome lunches. Hubby made a great chicken breast meatloaf, and steamed some corn. I threw some lowfat cheese, ezekiel bread, PB, kashi and a yogurt in my lunch bag - and this morning the the meatloaf loveliness was left in the fridge. GRRR.
Soooo... how this day will go, I don't know. I had my mocha, and I had my ezekiel bread with PB for breakfast. I still have a pear from yesterday, cheese, cereal and yogurt. Probably not going to last the day, but I really don't want to buy anything. So, I guess we will see what happens. I had a good plan, and lost my brain this morning getting 2 kids out the door by 6:30 to 2 different locations.
Today is NOT a school day, and I plan to do a workout later this evening, after I teach a little, do grocery shopping and the kids are in bed.
*sigh* really?
Will update later.

Food journal

Dear food diary:
Today, and for a while after this, I am going to use the blog to log my food and activity. This is because when I put my food into Livestrong, even if it's all clean, healthy food, if it goes over the 1300 calorie mark the machine has set for me, I freak out. I tell myself "why bother" and I binge. I know this because it's what I have been doing for the past week.
My goals are this: Drink primarily water, cut down on the caffeine, and sugar.
So, here we go. It's a school day, so activity, except for walking everywhere and using the stairs over the elevator (which I got back into the habit of using) is limited.

Click shake (1.5 scooops Click espresso protein, .5 scoops Amplified Wheybolic Vanilla Protein, 8 oz calore countdown chocolate milk)
1/4 cup (dry) steal cut oats
1 medium banana
1.5 tbs natural PB
small salad with all greens
1/4 cup red kidney beans
1/8 cup Good Seasons oil and vinager dressing, with less oil.
1.5 oz ground turkey
1/4 cup reduced fat cheese
1 slice Ezekiel 4:9 bread
2 oz cabot 75% reduced fat cheese
.5 oz almonds
2 oz lean pork tenderloin
1/4 sweet potato
48 oz water so far - on my way to get more.
This is my food for the majority of my day. I have not consumed it all yet, but I run right to class after this and I need to be sustained till 8:00.

I am already trying to rationalize in my head why stopping for a tall non-fat no-whip mocha wouldn't be all that bad. At one point, my brain started contemplating switching out the healthy foods I have for a mocha... sick.
Even as I write this, I am still trying to make it work in my head.
"It's not THAT bad.. it's only ONE...it's NON-FAT... you need a LITTLE SOMETHING to get you through class, Josh kept you up last night..."
On and on. I really hope I can move on from this. At this point, it's not even a calories thing, it's an addictive thing. I feel almost powerless and I don't like that feeling at all. I am a POWERFUL woman, and I am NOT controlled by any substance...
Crap.

ETA: In the spirit of being totally truthful, I am telling you all that I got my mocha. I stood and even contemplated a sugar free drink, and ultimately chose my mocha.
HOWEVER. Before you judge:
On the way home from class, I did NOT stop for previously mentioned irresistible Cadbury creme eggs, or for another coffee, for that matter. I called the hubs on the way home and he sweetly told me not to stop, that he had made dinner. I told him I was having trouble, and he gently coaxed me into coming straight home. I think I would have been ok, but I reached out for the support and I got it. I love my hubby. I'm a lucky girl.

Bonkers... would you agree?

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my calorie intake. Currently I am supposed to hover around 1300 cals per day. I just logged all of my food for the whole day, NOT including dinner, and I have 23 calories left for my day.
I log all of my food on livestrong.com. I have it set to "losing 1.5 lbs per week" and that I work a "sedentary" job... From that info, it gives me my caloric intake. And frankly, I just can't eat inside that goal. Not too long ago, I was having TROUBLE meeting my calories. It's amazing what loosing a little more weight and getting a desk job will do to you.
I feel like I am hungry every 2 hours. I eat things like: 1 Arnold whole wheat flat with 2 tbs natural PB. A snack might be 1 or 2 oz of 75% reduced fat chedder cheese and some steamed spinach and corn (that's what I have today) or hummus on carrots or naan bread. Lunch might be a soup of some kind, and sometimes a salad with it. Kashi cereal is another typical snack. So, I feel like I am eating the "right" things, I am eating when I am hungry, yet, I am still eating too many calories?? HELP! I feel like I am going bonkers!
Why am I putting this out there when I have 6 followers who probably can't help? I don't know. If you are reading this, and NOT following me - please consider adding yourself to my followers, and feel free to comment! I always welcome feedback!
I've still been a little down about not getting into the finals of a blogger contect... it was for moms who are living and struggling with a healthy lifestyle. I really thought I was interesting enough to at least make the finals, but I didn't. Maybe it's my lack of followers? How does one go about getting people to read about their everyday, sometimes mundane doings? I guess I am still new at this.

Kick me in the ASS

That's what I said!!!
Give me a good hard kick, 'cause I REALLY need it.
I've gotten into a really defeatist attitude, a down mood that I am unable to really lift. My food is really taking a beating, and my body is obviously following suit. I feel sluggish, tired, sickly, bloated...ok, the rest might be TMI, so I will refrain.
Tonight, my amazing hubby has not only given me his blessing, but encouraged me to go to a TUFF GIRL workout. I am REALLY excited to get back there - I haven't been in at LEAST a month, probably on the verge of 2 because of our hectic schedule. So, I'm excited, but also scared. I really feel like I am starting all over again. I'm going to go there and be unable to do the workout. I will wake up tomorrow and be in big pain. Pain I will undoubtedly deserve... will this be what I need? The kick I crave?
Why do I feel the need for some outside source to kick me in the ass? Because apparently, I have become unable to do it myself.
This past weekend I was scheduled for a 5K.
Didn't go.
I was signed up for the MS walk in my area.
Didn't go.
I've been eating more damn Cadbury crème eggs than I want to admit, or even think about.
I have not been consistently logging my food.
What will it take to get me back on track?
I want to feel good again! So, why don't I take the steps? It is, after all, MY responsibility - as it is all of our own responsibilities, to create our best selves. The selves we know, in the dark recesses of our minds, behind the fear and pessimism and doubt… we KNOW we can be.
Where is that person?? She is really hiding herself well lately.
Anyone seen her? If you do, send her back - maybe if SHE kicks me in the ass, it will work!

Down day

I'm having a really hard day today. You know when you just have one of those days that everything starts to build up? Little things go wrong from the moment you wake up and just keep piling... kids are unruly, whining, Thing 2 spit up all over me when we were walking out the door, already late, mind you, forgot my cell phone... I didn't get into the finals of a blog "competition" (I don't know what else to call it)that I was really wanting, my stomach is bothering me, I'm off sugar, the cabaret show feels like it's hanging by a thread - a thread I would sometimes just like to sever myself - and my birthday came and went yesterday with... well... almost nothing.
When you are a kid, your birthday is magical. As it approaches, we get more and more excited, knowing we will be celebrated and we will be special, for at least that one day. You get older and that doesn't happen anymore. You get some "happy bithday"'s, which are really nice (thanks to Facebook). A few cards in the mail, my mom gave me a beautiful, thoughtful card and the hubs made me a card... but overall, it's just another day. Nothing special or magical anymore. The past few years this has gotten me down a little, but for some reason, I'm really sad about it this year.
Regardless of how I am feeling, I do have a resolve to get myself back on track with eating and getting back into my exercise regime after being sick for so long. I have logged all of my food for today, and plan on doing an aerobic video later. Nothing with strength training just yet, since while I was ill, I did some and it really killed me. I mean, my whole body hurt for days - probably because of the combo of the 2. So, tonight will be a Leslie Sansone walking DVD. I will put on the 5 mile and go as far as I can. I have planned all food except dinner, but I can take a look at what I have left in terms of calories later and make a good decision. Perhaps I'll take some time to make soup.
Anyway, overall feeling very down today. I'm glad it's Friday, although I work all weekend, so I don't know how it's any different from a Monday at this point.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer - it's just how things are today.

Monday update

In the past, reviewing the past few days, I would have said I had given up. That I was on a downward spiral - determined to gain back the 157 lbs I have lost. But, I know better... right?
The little demons took over this weekend (no, not my children...they have control ALL the time). I ate junk. I did no "exercise". (I did get out and leisurely walk on Saturday, but I don't count that). I was tired. Not just "sleepy" tired, but tired of thinking about cooking and working out. Not only that, but housework suffered as well. I was tired of living my everyday life, and I simply let some things go. Now, I have no idea if that actually helped - but I am NOT feeling sick anymore. I woke up yesterday morning sans sore throat, sans stuffy nose. Same today. NOT that eating poorly leads to feeling better - I know this is NOT the case! HOWEVER, I wonder if letting go of the stress of things may have helped me over that last sick hurdle. I'm unsure, but grateful.
Still eating crap, so my tummy is rebelling against me - rightfully so. The good news in this is that I am getting my groceries (delivered) tonight, so I will have new healthy pickings to fill my lunch bag with, and to throw together for dinners.
I am actually beginning to grow tired of the yucky food I'm consuming. It's really becoming un-appealing. I will be taking that feeling and running with it. Literally and figuratively. Trying to decide if it’s a good idea to run my 5K on Saturday morning… have to think on that a bit more.
I have an exam tonight AND presentation AND a presentation on Wednesday night. Whew! I’ve already registered for summer and fall classes. Now, I just have to figure out how to pay for them…
My birthday looms in 3 days. I don't think about it much anymore, since Thing 1's B-day is the 13th, and I focus on him. So, I don't really know how to feel about it. It just... is. 33. Meh.