Honesty.... such a lonely word...

TWO posts from me today? You lucky ducks... Anyone get the Bill Joel reference from the title? YOU WIN A PRIZE! Just kidding. You're just cool.

Just ate Meal 3, downing my water like a good girl. Feeling the need to move and get my heart rate up today, so I've taken to doing pushups and squats anytime I go to the ladies room, or go down the hall to get water. So far I have done 45 of each. At least it's something. If I am still feeling antsy at 8:30 when I get home, I'll get in a quick 25-30 minutes.

Tonight, the hubby will be working on cleaning up our family room more. I want to use more of the space for some home gym equipment. I want to add more weights, a single TRX-type device for the door, and I really want a plyo box for work on box jumps. I saw an adjustable one that goes from 16" up to 24"

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I'd love a pull - up bar, but I don't have a good doorway to install it... Will have to keep thinking about that one.

I've chatted with hubby about our challenge "menu", and we have decided that we don't miss anything so much that we want to or care to change it up much once the challenge is "done". I mean, when you love your food, it tastes good, it fuels your body, you aren't hungry... what's not to love? YES, it takes time and effort, but everything that is worth something is going to require time and effort.

Tomorrow I will go to Group Power. Last week we did pushups on the bar, which was a huge core challenge for me. I am focusing on my form for those. Even if I can get ONE with perfect form, on toes, I will count it as a win. THEN, I'll go for TWO...

So, tonight, I will do a big salad with some shrimp for Meal 4. Hopefully I can talk hubby into starting the veggie chopping before I get home, so I can just eat when I get in. I gotta up my veggies for my during-the-day meals.

NO EXCUSES, guys. Everyone has struggles. I STRUGGLE and I TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. Because I am imperfectly HUMAN. But just be HONEST about it. I guess honesty takes a back-seat when you are getting paid to be "motivational". That's why I'll never have sponsors, or post anything on here that I don't believe in - period. I've been e-mailed by companies offering me things to post ads for them. Nah, not interesting is hocking your shakes, fake foods, or magic pills.

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Number 2 is the most important one.

I'm off to get in 15 more push-ups and squats.

*Hopping off soap box*

Peace Everyone

It never fails...

It never fails that when I have a bad day and vent here, on my PERSONAL blog, that I lose a follower.

It. Never.Fails.

Let me re-iterate. This is a blog that is my personal life. It's not ALWAYS about getting/being fit, losing weight etc. I don't get paid, or advertise on here. I do this for ME. Sometimes I have a sucky day, and instead of eating my face off to compensate, I come here and bitch.

Don't like it? Fine, be gone.

Moving on.

2 more weeks of school. It can't come soon enough. I can't wait, wait, wait to get back to my regular workout schedule. I know, I know, I've said it before. But I am saying it again. The light is at the end of the tunnel and I can just...about...see...it...

I didn't make it to the meeting again last night. I am trying really hard not to feel guilty about it, but the rest of the committee is not making that easy. I know I need to be at meetings, but I am also the only one on the committee who is balancing work, school, church choir, and 2 kids. Not to mention all the household things and exercise.

Ok, I'll quit my bitchin' - for now. :-)

Fuel for today:
Coffee - yes, coffee
Meal 1: Quiche
Meal 2: Chicken and quinoa - seriously lacking veggies here
Meal 3: Paleo, clean muffins with 2 tbs PB
Meal 4: Home, after 8:30. No idea, right now.

That's it for now, folks. Have a great day.

My sexy consolation

My only consolation from today is looking at these pics. Tried on dresses for our vow renewal and taking a dress off the rack to try it on is the best fucking feeling ever. Plus, I look totally hot.

NOTHING and EVERYTHING

WARNING: This post has NOTHING to do with weight and EVERYTHING about me bitching at the world.
 
Some days I want to run away. Run so far and so fast that the issues could never find me.

It started last night, when I felt like the shittiest mama in the world, because I had actually (GASP) ENJOYED some time away from my kids. But boy, did they let me have it once we all got home. Melt downs, screaming, whining. And the thought crossed my mind:

"I wish they were back at Mimi's (my mom's house). Obviously they like it there better." They had been very, very good at Mimi's. So, I guess they just don't want to be around me.

Yup. Shitty mom central over here.

Today has been an awful, terrible day at work. Now I have to go listen to a professor drone on for 2 hours, and then try desperately to make it to the last 45 minutes of a meeting that I will be lost in, because I have to miss the first 45 minutes.

FML

I've mentioned moving to Seattle before. My brother and his family live there, love it. I miss them. Sometimes picking up and moving sounds so amazingly perfect. A new start. Then, other times it's just terrifying. When the hubs and I first talked about it, we were really excited. Called our realtor and she gave us the bad news: We would never be able to sell our condo without a loss in that market (about 1.5 years ago). There was no way we could afford to take a loss, so we had to settle back down, concentrate on updating the condo, with hopes we could sell it in a year or two.

Except now hubby is NOT excited about it. As a matter of fact, he doesn't want to move at all anymore, unless it's to a house in our current town.

Deflated.

Not that I am totally convinced either, but I was casually checking one of the hospital's in Seattle for job postings, and I saw a job that would be freaking PERFECT for me. It was calling for me. BEGGING for me. I thought it was a sign. But, no. It's no sign. Hubby put a kabash on that right away.

I'm just tired. Tired of my schedule. Tired of working hard for patients who have no respect or courtesy for me what-so-ever. Tired of doing work two and three times, over and over and over. Tired of hoping and wishing and dreaming. Sometimes shit just doesn't go how your dream it's going to.

I'm so done. Yet I can't be done.

I have no more words.

Iron WOman!

Just a very short post to share a victory.

I have done the Iron Woman workout at Bodyology a number of times. I mentioned in my last post that I have never actually completed all three rounds in one workout.

Today, my friends, that all changed.

I pushed and pushed and finished all three rounds of this bad ass workout. I felt amazing! This is a pic of the workout we did.

Peace, all! Get some sweat in this weekend!!

bathing suits and dresses...

This is the time of year where you see tiny swimsuits lining the front of stores, and magazines promise you a "bikini body in 4 weeks".

Anyone who knows anything knows that's bullshit.

But there is more.

Unless you have said "bikini body" well, you better hide out in a mu-mu, cause you don't deserve to live, never mind wear a swimsuit.

One of the things that made me happy about having my arms done was that I was going to feel more comfortable in a bathing suit. Well, now instead of my focus of disgust being on my arms, it's on my legs.

"There is NO WAY you can wear a swimsuit with your legs jiggling like that. You'll have to find a pair of shorts or something to cover them up in..."

This is what I said to myself.

 You know what? SCREW THAT.

Yup, I have big, jiggly legs. I also love to swim, and my kids LOVE to be in the water. So, I'm going to deny myself, and them something we love to do because, even after 185 lbs lost, I have some JIGGLE??

No. F'in. Way.

Ok. That's all I have to say about that. For now, anyway.

I'm still a little sore from Group Power on Wednesday. It was great to be back there and pushing myself. "Live in the burn" "Love the burn" - I say these things to myself when I want to stop. Then I keep going.

Tonight will be a quickie at the gym, body weight exercises and a little TRX. 20-30 minutes, tops.

IronWOman at Bodyology tomorrow. This workout is my nemesis, in the way that it kicks my ass over and over everytime. The first time I did it, I cried during the cardio. I shit you not. I didn't cry in a whiney-I-don't-wanna kind of way, I cried out of frustration that I couldn't do burpees fast enough, and I was pushing so hard, and would still not finish my set. This workout is structured differently than some others. There are 3 stations set up, metabolic (cardio), TRX, and strength. You have 10 minutes to complete each station. Ususally I can just about finish my TRX station, metabolic is iffy, and strength is about 1/2 and 1/2... I try to start with cardio, because it's my weakness, and if I save it to the end, I'm totally sunk. I may try a different strategy tomorrow, though... strength, cardio, then TRX? Hmmm....

Yesterday was Day 2 of pushing myself out of my comfort zone with my wardrobe. I wore a dress, size medium, to work. I wasn't going to put on the leggings (talk about OUT of my comfort zone!) but it was SO chilly, I had to.

I was nervous, but I felt good in it!! (except for the shoes, which rubbed my feet raw. Yeah, those are getting donated)


Fuel today:
Meal 1: quiche (this stuff is so good and I am not hungry till lunch)
Meal 2: 1/2 sweet potato, black bean/peppers/pineapple mix, spaghetti squash bake, banana
Meal 3: 1 slice Ezekiel, PB
Meal 4: Salad with grilled something. Or, I may be able to talk hubby into spicy shrimp. :-)

Today there is an "Administrative Professionals Appreciation Luncheon" that our department is giving to all of us. I have no idea what will be there. I will eat my lunch before, and if there is salad, I will have a little of that. If not, I'll sit happily with my water, and be prepared for the barage of "WHY aren't you EATING??"

Peace, everyone.

Big hunger, more victories

It's hump day, and I have nothing nearly as exciting as yesterday to say, but here I am anyway!

Tomorrow it's 3 years since my cousin took his life. I can't believe 3 years have passed already. I'm still angry and I still ask him why.

The big questions still linger because NO ONE knew. NO ONE knew he was depressed. NO ONE knew how dark things had gotten for him.

He wouldn't let anyone help him. He had a family who loved him so much. We would have done anything for him.

Why didn't he let us help him? Did I not tell him enough that I loved him? That I was there for him?

*sigh* unanswerable questions.

What I DO know is that if you love someone, let them know. If you are blessed by someone, let them know. Don't let an opportunity pass to give someone a smile, hug or tell them you love them and that you are there for them.

You never know when it could make a difference in someones life. It will certainly make a difference in YOUR life.

Ok, back to the task at hand -

Fuel today:
Meal 1: Quiche, coffee
Meal 1 1/2: 1 slice Ezekiel with 1 tb pb
Meal 2: spaghetti squash/peppers/tomatoes, chicken sausage, banana
Meal 3: clean muffins, PB
Meal 4: uhhhhh.... probably big salad with black beans and salsa

Lots of water

I am VERY hungry today... and I will likely be MORE hungry after the gym tonight. Group Power is at 5:45, and it will be my first time back to this class since my surgery. As soon as school is done ( 2 weeks, plus finals!) I will be able to get back into a more normalized exercise routine. I hate working out Saturday, Sunday, and then missing Monday and Tuesday. Workout Wednesday, miss Thursday... etc. I love my summers if for no other reason, I can breath and make things a little more to my liking, schedule wise. No school (well, ok, except the online class I am doing), no choir... just my kids, the gym, and 1 committee. Oh, and work... and theater company... ok. Never mind about the breathing room.

One little victory. I am wearing a top to work today that was previously a little too snug to be comfortable to wear. It's also a little more "out there" than what I would normally wear. I knew it would get attention, and that really scared me. I'm still the fat-girl-trying-to-hide-from-everyone on the inside sometimes. I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was "I am NOT wearing that top today". But I made myself put it on. You know I don't like to compliment myself, but damn, it looks really good. I've gotten tons of compliments, especially of the "holy crap, look how tiny your waist is!" variety. It makes me blush. It makes me want to say "but, I still need to..." But I smiled. I thanked them profusely. Trying not to think of how much I still have to/want to do. I even snuck into the bathroom for a pic to show you...

Have a wonderful day guys. As always, one step at a time. Peace