I am writing these commitments in the positive. Attempting to commit to things I "will" do as opposed to what I "will not" do.
Today I Will:
*Eat ONLY the food I have prepared and brought with me to work. (This, in case anyone is wondering, does NOT include M&M's)
*Drink at least 80 oz of water today
*Get up from the wretched desk and walk at every opportunity (at least 4 times today)
*Go to my tuff girl workout (as long as the ankle I turned on the way in here co-operates)
*I will deal with any uncomfortable feelings that surface today with eating to quell them. I will take a deep breath, write, call someone, take a walk...
*I will attempt to remain positive about my life situation.
I realize my last post was a downer. I wish I could say I was feeling better, but right now, I'm not. My awesome mom has offered to buy me another punch card for my Tuff Girl workouts. I hate to take it, but I really need it to keep me moving in the right direction, so I accepted.
My eating yesterday was less than stellar. It started with handfulls of M&M's from my bosses office, and ended with ice cream. No good. I will not let it drag me down into a pattern. I will recover and continue to eat the way I know is good for me... regardless of my mental state.
Ok, this is my edited update:
I have taken 12,258 steps today. Yeah! I have burned about 2900 calories, and taken in 1500 - a 1400 calorie deficit! Woot!
As of 8:52PM, I have done every one of the above objectives. I actually drank 84 oz of water, walked 5 times at work, and went to my KICK ASS Tuff Girl workout. I am currently STILL attempting to remain positive about the way things are right now and I will tell you exactly how I am doing that:
My mother is such a source of relief and perspective for me. She called me up after reading my previous blog, and, in a way only a mommy can, helped me to remember that the way things are now is not forever. Time moves on, and before you know it, things change. And, as I mentioned earlier, has offered to buy me a "punch card" for my workouts... now, if I can only get her to come with me!
While at work today I received an e-mail from a friend, Rachel. We are not terribly close (yet!) but I met her at the awesome leadership seminar I attended a few months ago, have done quite a few workouts at Tuff Girl with her, and she is joining me in the Fit-Bottomed Girl Weight Loss Challenge. She is a lovely, strong woman. I opened this e-mail and literally gasped out loud. This generous, kind soul told me she was moved by my previous blog, inspired by what I was doing, and had consequently purchased me a "punch card" for my beloved Tuff Girl workouts. The workouts that keep me so motivated.
Needless to say, I was without words. I was totally and utterly shocked, a little embarrassed, and beyond grateful. I wrote her back immediately and thanked her profusely. It's not just about the money she put forth, but the thought and care she showed me, even though we still don't know each other that well. I can only hope to repay her somehow in the future.
My hubby also helped me so much today. I sent him a fairly whiney e-mail about how I was never going to make it, I was never going to open my center, it was going to take sooo long, I didn't know what I was doing... blah, blah, blah. So hubby, in his amazing hubby way, e-mailed me back all the reasons it WAS going to work. Not only that, but helped me focus and map out what I really wanted. He's GOOD I tell you! It's a strong, brave man who can deal with me!
Anyway, all of this has shown me that I am so lucky. I am so loved and cared for. I am really, really grateful. I will not let any of you down!!
PROGRESS!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
So stagnant... so defeated
Money Sucks.
Ok, LACK of money sucks.
There are SO many things I want to be doing. I want to become a certified wellness life coach, a bariatric coach, and I found this awesome program through the Nutritional Therapy Association... all cost money. Money I don't have, even though I work 2 jobs. I just wish I could GET ON WITH THIS already. I feel so STAGNANT. I want to doing my own thing. Making my own rules. Being my own boss. But I can't. I'm stuck. I have a good job where 1/2 my paycheck goes to part time daycare for my 2 little Gems. Bills up the wazoo. Besides that, I have no money to do things like keep up with my once weekly Tuff Girl Workouts. My amazing brother bought me my last punch card for my birthday, and I have been enjoying it since then. But, my last class on that card will be Thursday, and I have absolutely no money to get another card. I HATE that. I finally find something that pushes me. That has helped me LOVE pushing my body, and I can't do it because of stupid money.
Is there another way? Another way I can be happy and do what I want to do? Or is that simply not an option for middle class people? Is it my fault that I worked toward something that it ended up I couldn't do for so long? Is it my fault I decided to get married to a wonderful man and have two amazing children? So, that means I can't do anything else with my life?
What am I going to do? It's too much, and not enough. How is that possible?
I have also been having really morbid thoughts lately. I think it's because I am working so much with death. The patients I deal with are many times patients with cancer. It just seems like more than likely, either me or the hubs are going to get really sick at some point. I don't know why I feel like that. I sometimes think that any day now one of us will be diagnosed with cancer, or have a heart attack, or something terrible. Hmmm, maybe I need to up the dose of my Prozac, huh??
There has to be a way to make these changes. I so much want to help people become healthy individuals. I want a pretty office space, which I can use to meet clients, help them develop a program that works for their bodies. Help them begin an exercise routine, refer them to other professionals if they need it (therapist, holistic practitioners) But it seems like there is no way to make it happen, unless I win the lotto. And I don't play lotto. With my money woes, I think the last thing I need to do is waste money on that, since I have no luck.
Sorry this entry is so whiney. I'm feeling very defeated.
Ok, LACK of money sucks.
There are SO many things I want to be doing. I want to become a certified wellness life coach, a bariatric coach, and I found this awesome program through the Nutritional Therapy Association... all cost money. Money I don't have, even though I work 2 jobs. I just wish I could GET ON WITH THIS already. I feel so STAGNANT. I want to doing my own thing. Making my own rules. Being my own boss. But I can't. I'm stuck. I have a good job where 1/2 my paycheck goes to part time daycare for my 2 little Gems. Bills up the wazoo. Besides that, I have no money to do things like keep up with my once weekly Tuff Girl Workouts. My amazing brother bought me my last punch card for my birthday, and I have been enjoying it since then. But, my last class on that card will be Thursday, and I have absolutely no money to get another card. I HATE that. I finally find something that pushes me. That has helped me LOVE pushing my body, and I can't do it because of stupid money.
Is there another way? Another way I can be happy and do what I want to do? Or is that simply not an option for middle class people? Is it my fault that I worked toward something that it ended up I couldn't do for so long? Is it my fault I decided to get married to a wonderful man and have two amazing children? So, that means I can't do anything else with my life?
What am I going to do? It's too much, and not enough. How is that possible?
I have also been having really morbid thoughts lately. I think it's because I am working so much with death. The patients I deal with are many times patients with cancer. It just seems like more than likely, either me or the hubs are going to get really sick at some point. I don't know why I feel like that. I sometimes think that any day now one of us will be diagnosed with cancer, or have a heart attack, or something terrible. Hmmm, maybe I need to up the dose of my Prozac, huh??
There has to be a way to make these changes. I so much want to help people become healthy individuals. I want a pretty office space, which I can use to meet clients, help them develop a program that works for their bodies. Help them begin an exercise routine, refer them to other professionals if they need it (therapist, holistic practitioners) But it seems like there is no way to make it happen, unless I win the lotto. And I don't play lotto. With my money woes, I think the last thing I need to do is waste money on that, since I have no luck.
Sorry this entry is so whiney. I'm feeling very defeated.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Jingle... walk?
walk, walk, walk. walk, walk, walk. Zig zag all the way!
Yes, that is sung to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's sung to Jingle Bells because Thing 1 is STILL singing Jingle Bells. Yes, 6 months later. Sometimes he changes the words: "Jingle poop, Jingle poop" (This is, obviously, hilarious) or "Jingle Mama, Jingle Mama"... you get the picture. But, I digress.
I want to explain to you all what my "zig zag walk" is. It's actually pretty ingenious (if I do say so myself). I am not a person who enjoys the heat, this summer, while not amazingly hot (yet) has been quite stormy, and between the two, have forced my walks inside. I needed to figure out how to get a 20 minute walk in that wasn't going to bore me to tears. Thus, the zig-zag walk was born.
My building is 4 floors. I work in the basement. so, I start at my office and make my way all the way down one hall (the building is quite long, as well) I go up the stairs to the first floor, and walk all the way down to the other end. Walk up to the second floor, etc, etc... all the way up to the 4th floor and back down. Thus, "zig-zagging" my way through the building. I have taken to doing this most days at work on my lunch. It takes about 20 minutes, then I have time to at least make my lunch and begin eating as I start work again. It's over 2500 steps, easy (I should check that) and it keeps me moving at a rather sedentary job.
One thing I was thinking about on my walk today was how I avoid people when I do it. Especially once I get to the point of being red-cheeked and a little sweaty. One day last week, I ran into one of the doctors I work for (Who is SUPER nice, BTW) and I was walking as fast as my feet would go without breaking into a jog. "You're in a hurry!" he said. So, I explained my lunch walk ritual to him.
I felt a little silly. I know I am doing something good for myself, and I shouldn't care if other people wonder why I am walking by their office at least 2 times in a whirlwind. But, I am very used to trying to dissapear. Don't draw attention! "Fatty is trying to exercise! Hilarious!" *sigh* So hard to get out of old mindsets.
On my walk, I also travel by the cafeteria. Twice. With their baked good and french fry smells wafting. People carrying their yummy (yet usually unhealthy) lunches out in droves. I put my head down and make that the quickest leg of my walk. Avoid. temptation. (They have chocolate chip cookies as big as your FACE) It's OK... I'm alright.
Anyway. It's Monday. Food is going very well (small handful of M&M's, that I logged and will simply make part of my calorie intake today). Going to a Bootcamp tonight WOOHOO! I need a good ASS kicking!
Yes, that is sung to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's sung to Jingle Bells because Thing 1 is STILL singing Jingle Bells. Yes, 6 months later. Sometimes he changes the words: "Jingle poop, Jingle poop" (This is, obviously, hilarious) or "Jingle Mama, Jingle Mama"... you get the picture. But, I digress.
I want to explain to you all what my "zig zag walk" is. It's actually pretty ingenious (if I do say so myself). I am not a person who enjoys the heat, this summer, while not amazingly hot (yet) has been quite stormy, and between the two, have forced my walks inside. I needed to figure out how to get a 20 minute walk in that wasn't going to bore me to tears. Thus, the zig-zag walk was born.
My building is 4 floors. I work in the basement. so, I start at my office and make my way all the way down one hall (the building is quite long, as well) I go up the stairs to the first floor, and walk all the way down to the other end. Walk up to the second floor, etc, etc... all the way up to the 4th floor and back down. Thus, "zig-zagging" my way through the building. I have taken to doing this most days at work on my lunch. It takes about 20 minutes, then I have time to at least make my lunch and begin eating as I start work again. It's over 2500 steps, easy (I should check that) and it keeps me moving at a rather sedentary job.
One thing I was thinking about on my walk today was how I avoid people when I do it. Especially once I get to the point of being red-cheeked and a little sweaty. One day last week, I ran into one of the doctors I work for (Who is SUPER nice, BTW) and I was walking as fast as my feet would go without breaking into a jog. "You're in a hurry!" he said. So, I explained my lunch walk ritual to him.
I felt a little silly. I know I am doing something good for myself, and I shouldn't care if other people wonder why I am walking by their office at least 2 times in a whirlwind. But, I am very used to trying to dissapear. Don't draw attention! "Fatty is trying to exercise! Hilarious!" *sigh* So hard to get out of old mindsets.
On my walk, I also travel by the cafeteria. Twice. With their baked good and french fry smells wafting. People carrying their yummy (yet usually unhealthy) lunches out in droves. I put my head down and make that the quickest leg of my walk. Avoid. temptation. (They have chocolate chip cookies as big as your FACE) It's OK... I'm alright.
Anyway. It's Monday. Food is going very well (small handful of M&M's, that I logged and will simply make part of my calorie intake today). Going to a Bootcamp tonight WOOHOO! I need a good ASS kicking!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
just a short update
Sooooo tired this evening. I should already be in bed, but the hubs is out for a walk, so I am waiting up for him. Besides, we put up a few baby items on free-cycle, and someone is coming to get them (2 hours late, mind you. *sigh*) I still have to shower from my sweaty, uphill run (YESSSSS!!!) so, bed won't be happening for at least another hour. Last night, Thing 2 was up for hours crying and crying because he is teething. So, needless to say, the hubs and I are exhausted. We still needed to get in our exercise, and we both did!
I REALLY wanted to go to my Tuff Girl workout this morning, but, in hour 2 of the screaming jag last night, I knew this morning wasn't going to happen. I did NOT want to "phone it in". Like I said in my last entry - it has to be WORTH it, otherwise, it simply doesn't count to me!
Eating is going very well. Grocery shopped this morning and filled the cart with plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meats, low fat cheeses... good stuff! Staying away from the junk. Feeling so good about it. Usually being super tired would lead me right to the crap - but NO. The hubs hinted today at having some "junky food thoughts" but quickly followed it by saying "but I'm smacking them down!" Yea Hubby!!
Weekend already half over... church and teaching tomorrow until 1... after that, I don't know. Maybe some *gasp* free time??? I'm sure something will suck up all the free time.
Ugh, Ok. I can't even write anymore I'm so tired. Night all - till next time!
I REALLY wanted to go to my Tuff Girl workout this morning, but, in hour 2 of the screaming jag last night, I knew this morning wasn't going to happen. I did NOT want to "phone it in". Like I said in my last entry - it has to be WORTH it, otherwise, it simply doesn't count to me!
Eating is going very well. Grocery shopped this morning and filled the cart with plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meats, low fat cheeses... good stuff! Staying away from the junk. Feeling so good about it. Usually being super tired would lead me right to the crap - but NO. The hubs hinted today at having some "junky food thoughts" but quickly followed it by saying "but I'm smacking them down!" Yea Hubby!!
Weekend already half over... church and teaching tomorrow until 1... after that, I don't know. Maybe some *gasp* free time??? I'm sure something will suck up all the free time.
Ugh, Ok. I can't even write anymore I'm so tired. Night all - till next time!
Friday, June 24, 2011
it has to be WORTH IT
2 sick kiddies, 2 days "off" of work to care for each of them. However, this has been a great week. I'm down another 2 lbs and I am officially at my lowest adult weight EVER. 208. I briefly saw the scale say 206 once, but I think it was after a stomach bug, so that totally doesn't count! Anyway... I was thinking of a longer term challenge. I found this great list of advanced workout DVD's, posted at Fit-Bottomed Girls and I think my long term goal is to go through all 10. I've grown accustomed to working out at home (*sigh* - Gym membership) but it's hard to determine from a mere description how difficult a workout is going to be. I don't want to waste my time doing something where I am not going to work my ass off. I mean, if I have 45 minutes in my day to workout, it needs to be WORTH IT.
I was very proud of myself on the days I was home with the boys. It was the perfect scenerio for an eating free-for-all. But, I stuck with what I would have eaten if I had gone to work. One day, I was SO hungry. I just ate when I was hungry and tried to make it as balanced as possible, and I felt good about my choices.
Feeling tired, but strong and confident in what I am doing. Kick-ass Tuff Girl workout in the AM, teaching and rehearsals all weekend - and then it starts all over... I sometimes feel like a hamster running on a wheel.
I was very proud of myself on the days I was home with the boys. It was the perfect scenerio for an eating free-for-all. But, I stuck with what I would have eaten if I had gone to work. One day, I was SO hungry. I just ate when I was hungry and tried to make it as balanced as possible, and I felt good about my choices.
Feeling tired, but strong and confident in what I am doing. Kick-ass Tuff Girl workout in the AM, teaching and rehearsals all weekend - and then it starts all over... I sometimes feel like a hamster running on a wheel.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Breath in.... Breath out...
So, Tuesday has come and is on it's way to being gone. June 21, the longest day of the year. I was home today with a sick Thing 1 - although, thank God for antibiotics, he's already feeling MUCH better. I realize I sounded like a really whiney Mc-Whinerson yesterday. I am really grateful for my job and most of the time I am proud of what I do. But, I don't have a very thick skin for people being mean to me when all I am trying to do is help them. *sigh*. I wonder if that thicker skin will start to develop as I am there a little while...
The stress of yesterday, coupled with the sick one, and with some serious financial strain resulted in some off plan eating. I had a run-in with an ice cream bar (ok, 2) last night and I really regretted it - for about 2 minutes - Then I told myself "Suck it up, Buttercup! MOVE ON". That REALLY helped me feel back in total control today. I ate really well, I did one session of cardio and took a little walk, and I am thinking of doing some more stretching (maybe some yoga?) tonight. I feel like I am cleansing myself of my indiscretions, but don't start getting worried that I'm obsessing - perhaps borderline, but not quite over the line!
I feel better now that I was home a day and could take control of caring for Thing 1 (why, no, I'm not a control freak, WHAT would give you THAT idea??)Got some house work done and a really good workout. I have mentioned before that I DO NOT like Jillian Michaels. However, her Metabolism Booster cardio workout is hardcore, but she is actually supportive throughout - giving modifications for those just starting out. The last time I did the workout, I didn't finish it, but I did today and WOW what a burn. It was really great. Sweat, baby, sweat!
My heel is bothering me. I'm trying to ignore it. I'm doing the stretches and rubbing it out a lot. Sometimes it feels ok once I am on it, and sometimes...not so much. I still have to get fitted for shoes, but that's not happening until at LEAST this weekend... if not for another few weeks...
Well, that's my fairly boring update. I feel in charge, in control and strong. I'm going to get through this stress without taking it out on my body and health.
The stress of yesterday, coupled with the sick one, and with some serious financial strain resulted in some off plan eating. I had a run-in with an ice cream bar (ok, 2) last night and I really regretted it - for about 2 minutes - Then I told myself "Suck it up, Buttercup! MOVE ON". That REALLY helped me feel back in total control today. I ate really well, I did one session of cardio and took a little walk, and I am thinking of doing some more stretching (maybe some yoga?) tonight. I feel like I am cleansing myself of my indiscretions, but don't start getting worried that I'm obsessing - perhaps borderline, but not quite over the line!
I feel better now that I was home a day and could take control of caring for Thing 1 (why, no, I'm not a control freak, WHAT would give you THAT idea??)Got some house work done and a really good workout. I have mentioned before that I DO NOT like Jillian Michaels. However, her Metabolism Booster cardio workout is hardcore, but she is actually supportive throughout - giving modifications for those just starting out. The last time I did the workout, I didn't finish it, but I did today and WOW what a burn. It was really great. Sweat, baby, sweat!
My heel is bothering me. I'm trying to ignore it. I'm doing the stretches and rubbing it out a lot. Sometimes it feels ok once I am on it, and sometimes...not so much. I still have to get fitted for shoes, but that's not happening until at LEAST this weekend... if not for another few weeks...
Well, that's my fairly boring update. I feel in charge, in control and strong. I'm going to get through this stress without taking it out on my body and health.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mondays (sometimes) suck
I am putting it out to God and the Universe and everyone else - PLEASE let this be an ok day. I have already been yelled and been spoken to very rudely by 2 people. It's only 10:00. I can't do this today. I am exhausted from no sleep last night because Josh was up and down so much we finally just put him in our bed. So, HE slept, and WE didn't. Now he's home with a high fever. Hubby is home with him and bringing him to the Pedi at 2:30. I HATE being at work when he is home so sick. I am used to being the one home taking care of my little guys... It makes me really sad.
I am praying this day goes quickly and without big issues. I want to get home to my baby. I will probably have to take tomorrow off, because he certainly can't go to school with a fever. The rules are he needs to be fever free for 24 hours before returning to school. So, tomorrow is already out. *sigh*
I don't want to be here. (but, yes, I am very grateful to have a job)
I once again didn't bring quite enough food for the day. We couldn't grocery shop this weekend because of money constraints, so we have to make due with what we have till Thursday.
Mondays suck.
I am praying this day goes quickly and without big issues. I want to get home to my baby. I will probably have to take tomorrow off, because he certainly can't go to school with a fever. The rules are he needs to be fever free for 24 hours before returning to school. So, tomorrow is already out. *sigh*
I don't want to be here. (but, yes, I am very grateful to have a job)
I once again didn't bring quite enough food for the day. We couldn't grocery shop this weekend because of money constraints, so we have to make due with what we have till Thursday.
Mondays suck.
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