These realizations have been welling up in me for a while, but I have been afraid to acknowledge them. Afraid to put old dreams to bed.
I can talk about health, fitness, weightloss and all the metal and emotional baggage that goes along with it for HOURS. DAYS probably. I never tire of researching, learning, helping, teaching and talking about it.
At first, I thought this was merely because it was a "new" passion. We always get all gung-ho about something new, right?
So, then, I think about music. About singing. I started taking voice lessons at 10 years old. And I always "wanted" to be a singer. As I moved on through my musical education, of course I had a passion for it, or I never would have made it! However, I didn't eat, sleep and breath it. I forced myself to practice, and only when I had to. When I wasn't singing, I didn't spend hours talking about it. I only listened to opera a little, and tended to listen to other styles of music.
4 years in college (ok, 5, but who's counting) and then 2 in grad school. I loved to perform, but besides that, the lifestyle wasn't there. I didn't pour over scores, learn roles I wasn't currently performing, practice whenever I had a free moment... When I came to the realization that a performance career wasn't my fate I felt so lost - because it was all I had ever known. I started teaching, and I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) helping people. Notice I said helping people - and music was all I knew, so the two married together well. I never felt like a great voice teacher. I can't play piano to accompany my students and it ALWAYS bothers me. I felt a bit, well, like a fraud.
So, what am I getting at here? My realization is that I don't love teaching voice**. I don't love performing like I once did. You have no idea how difficult this is to put out there. But, it's in my heart. I am crying while I type. I spent so much time, energy, money on something that never happened, and that now, I'm finding little joy in.
(** yes, this is a disclaimer to any of my students who may be reading this. I love you all. I am not leaving you. I WANT to keep working with you and you are all still a priority to me!)
Why am I putting this out there for the world to see? Because I am changing. And it is hard and sad and sucky. I feel like I am letting a world of people down, and THAT is the hardest part. But change happens. I have been fighting it for a long time now, and I can't anymore. My shrinking body and my more focused and determined mind won't let lies prevail... they are pushing out all the old dreams, to make way for new ones.
Yes, I am grateful that I have new dreams. I mean, if I came to these realizations and didn't have a dream to cling to... I don't even know where I would be. But I do. I have my new goals and dreams. But they are scary. The doubts constantly popping up "how are you going to do this?" "You don't know the FIRST thing about running a real business!" "You are NOT smart enough for this!"...
Oh that inner critic is a real bitch.
This post doesn't really have an ending... I guess it's more of a beginning.
A really honest and brave post! I know a bit of how it feels to finally stop...I dunno, 'kidding yourself' in a way I guess, or ignoring something that deep down you've known for a long time. I love the way you ended this post, because the great thing about dreams (and something worth remembering when you've let go of an old one) is that you can always have more! Here's hoping you're new dreams work out EXACTLY the way you want!
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