What do you say

What do you say when you don't have words to describe how you feel. When hubby is snoring next to you and em you desperately want to be sleeping so your brain can rest, but you can't slow it down enough to drift off.

Last night, after a stressful and intense council meeting, it was decided that the position I am to fill as music director will be funded. I have been hired, which is wonderful. It also means I will now have 2 jobs that will require approx 50-60 hours of work per week, 7 days a week.

I love what I do. Now I have to try and relax a little do I can enjoy my work. And also find time to just "be". Relax. Play. Have fun. Every time I attempt to take some relaxation time, I think of all the things to be done (house cleaning, appointments to make, groceries, cooking, lesson planning, class schedules and cirriculums, emails and phone calls to return, music sorting and scheduling) and I feel compelled to do it, no matter how long I've already been working. 

Obviously I'm tired and talking in stress, so I'm off to try to turn my brain off and sleep. Peace. 

Everything happens for a reason

Hey guys,

I mentioned I was asked to become the new music director at my church. Well, now there's a big to-do going on about money and salaries, etc, and it might not happen. Very disappointing. But I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Right... 

Does the winter get anyone else down? Damn. And it's not nearly over!

I purchased a nutribullet and I'm excited to use it. Protein smoothies for breakfast, here I come! Boys love them too so it's a total win. 

I'm getting to the gym this week much more regularly now that the kids are both back in school. Eating has been better too. Logging my food, drinking my water, yada yada. Boy, is this as boring to read as it is to write, or am I just really in the dumps? Ehh, regardless...

Peace.

Update 2 - video

My thoughts as I tried to walk off some anxiety the other night....

Update Number 1

Ok, here I am - ready to update you on the happenings.

You guys know in August I decided to take the plunge and start my own studio again (voice studio). I got my feet a little wet - and before I knew it, I had enough students to give my full time job my 2 weeks notice. Terrified is a good word, but I plowed forward.

My official studio picture. This is the face I put out to all potential students.

The last time I wrote (prior to NYD), I had 2 days left of work and I was ready to get out of there, but still super worried. I had about 15 students at that point. By the time the first week of teach rolled around, I had about 18. Now I have 30. So, in 3.5 months, I have a completely full voice studio, which now has a waiting list, I am interim part-time music director at my church, and I run early childhood education music classes 2 times per month.

As you can imagine, I am working MORE than 40 hours per week. But it doesn't even matter. I really DO love it. It's stressful and frustrating and magical and wonderful.

But there is still struggle. I am still trying to structure my time so I am not always working ("oh, I'll just answer this e-mail quick", "This will only take a second..."). I am constantly pulled in many, many, many directions. I finished up the class I was taking, did really well, but I cannot afford to go back next semester without the reimbursement from my previous job. A major downfall, for sure, but I'm not going to give up on it. I am saving for the fall and hopefully can continue one class at a time to finish my associates in nutrition and dietetics.

And of course, the reason we are all here, right? The struggle with eating and exercise. Luckily, my exercise has not really dropped off too much. A few weeks during the holidays, I only made it to the gym 2 times, but that was at it's lowest. The eating, however... *sigh*

See, I'm a very focused person (ahem, semi-obsessive) but when I get focused on something, other things tend to fall away. Their importance is minimized. That's what happened with food prep, weighing and measuring, counting and caring about what I was eating when the studio took off.

2 days ago, on my vocal studio Facebook page, I did a little recap on how blessed I was by how the last few months had played out. Someone called me their "hero". This felt laughable to me. Not only laughable, but panic inducing. I'll be posting a video I took on my walk that evening, sharing my thoughts on it.

So, what's the plan, you might want to know. Well, here it is. I'm going to be working very, very hard on dividing my time appropriately. Gym time in the morning works really well. I get some housework done before I bring the boys to school and I hit the gym on the way home. Bam. Done. I get home, shower and my workday begins. I have to find the time for food prep and I need to make sure every shred of the holidays (food, and decorations) is out of my house.

Tomorrow on the way home from church, grocery store and food prep will start as soon as I get home. If the good food is there, I will eat it. If the crap food is there, I will eat it. Duh. Keep it out.

A very good friend of mine joined me in a dietbet so hopefully that helps the motivation as well. Being in the trenches with someone is so helpful. And unfortunately, I don't have anyone else interested in getting healthier right now (ahem, hubby). The good thing is he will mostly just eat what I cook and if he gets something out, he doesn't bring it home.

 Anyway, that's the plan. I have my shopping list, my menu planned and the tight feeling in my pants telling me to GET IT TOGETHER.

A little glimpse at my Thing 1 and Thing 2, cause they are adorbs:

I will... as always... keep moving forward...

Is there anybody out there?

Wow, long time no see, huh? A lot has gone on over the last 4 months and I'll fill you in a bit at a time. So, why am I back? Well, this is one place I can fully vent. Put out my true feelings. I don't have any other place like that right now. So, if there IS someone reading: you're it.

Social media, while full of friends and family, is also now filled with clients and students. So, airing any big insecurities is not a great idea there. Even my Strong Mama K facebook has access to people I may not want to be bearing my soul to.

Anyway, Happy New Year. I'll be back again to give you the story from September on.

Peace.

My poor, neglected blog

Poor baby! I'm sorry I have neglected you, my little blog!

Alright - hi guys. 

I lost a follower in my absence! *sigh* Oh well!

I wouldn't say I've been "off the wagon". I've been hanging on. Maybe to a little tiny corner with my pinkie finger, but I've hung on!

AND, it's paid off, my friends. No, I haven't lost any weight. But, even with my occasional stress eating and being unable to do my hardcore workouts, I have NOT gained any weight!

That is a VICTORY as far as I am concerned!

But, now is the time to get re-focused. So, I am going to what has motivated me for the last few months. Diet Bet! I just joined another game that starts TODAY. I'm glad. No down time! I'll submit my pic later today and I am already off and running!

This is going to take even more determination now. In 2 days, I will be working for myself. I will have unstructured time that I will have to create structure within. I need to do that immediately, so that I don't get lax with anything.

I'm going to make the gym in the AM a priority. Drop the kids off, hit the gym. Go home, shower, breakfast and work for a few hours. Lunch, housework, Teaching. Pick up kids, teaching, class. Repeat.

Frightening.

Anyway, I'm running to class. But I'll be back more often again.

As always - keep moving forward...

The Cat is outta the bag...

It's official.

My last day of my current 40hour-per-week job will be next Friday.

I'm taking a very large, scary leap. 

Will update soon. 

Panicking LEAPS

How do you really know when taking a big leap is worth it?

I guess you don't know.

I guess that's why it's called faith.

But... making a big change is NOT just about me.

It's about my family.

One wrong move and my family could be in financial chaos.

But staying the same... I just don't think that's an option.

But the panic.... oooohhhhh the panic.

It has set in.

Can I really do this?

SHOULD I really do this?

Will it be worth it?

What if I fail?

I'm trying to allow myself, in this situation, to feel like I feel in the gym.
You just DO it.
You keep at it.
YOU make it a SUCCESS.
It takes hard work, discipline.
There are struggles.
But if you work hard enough, you WILL conquer.

But, in the gym, it's just ME.

There is no one but MYSELF to feel the effects if I fail.

But THIS... this... what if... what if...

Freaking out has officially begun. Where will it go now?

Why do "leaps of faith" have to be SO DAMN BIG?

Chipping away

All I can manage:

My weight is moving down.
My confidence is moving back up.
And as always, I will:
Keep Moving Forward...

Exhaustion, Birthdays, Ragtime and DietBet

I can hardly keep my eyes open as I write this. It's 7:04am and I have been at work for a while now. After rehearsals every night for Ragtime, getting home after 11:00 each evening, the exhaustion is catching up with me. Thank GOD I had the for-sight to take tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday OFF of work! Hooray! I am TOTALLY sleeping in tomorrow (which will probably mean 7:00am)

Today is my little ones birthday. He is 4 today. Not a baby anymore, for sure. He is an incredible little human being. Smart, sensitive, caring, stubborn, awesome and most definitely his "own man".

Sometimes he even does chores! Ha!

Last night was our second-to-last rehearsal before our show "goes up" tomorrow night. Of course we started snapping pics. I'll share a sneak peek with you:

"Mother" and "Father"

Battling with my weight for what seems like my whole life never gets easier. I may have lost a lot of weight, but those little voices still plague me. I didn't get my costume until yesterday, and they whole time I was thinking "it's not going to fit. What am I going to do if it doesn't fit?" The costume was MADE for me, from my MEASUREMENTS. So, in reality, I didn't really have a lot to be concerned about. But, that didn't stop those voices. *sigh* I guess that will always be a battle?

The show is going to be wonderful. There are still kinks that we need to work on (as with ANY show!). But, if you are in the CT area and want to come support the show, PLEASE let me know! We have a moving and important story to tell here. Or you can go to our theater companies website Round Table Players to reserve tickets.

A little update on my DietBet. As I think I mentioned, I ended up taking part in not one but TWO dietbets this past month! I am excited to say I made my goal! One is ending today and the other tomorrow. Once I post my official weigh-in for them, I'll share it with you. But I'll give you a hint - it's a VERY nice milestone to see AGAIN.

Keep moving forward!

It's SHOWTIME!

During this crazy tech week of Ragtime, The Musical, you won't see any gym pictures. I'm going from work to rehearsal to shower to bed and repeat, until Friday, when I will celebrate the birthday of my beautiful Thing 2 (4 years old!) and get some much needed rest before our Friday night opening.

This is not to say that I will be sedentary. Oh no. I'm doing what I can, when I can. This week, it's 20 minute walks in the morning and afternoon at work. Although rehearsal isn't "exerting" in the way that we think of when going to the gym, it IS being on my feet, in constant motion, for 3-4 hours. No, I don't count it as a workout, but I KNOW I'm burning some calories! 

I won't lie. I'm tired. Bed after 11:00, up at 5:45 to get into work by 6:30 to make up some time I will be taking off on Friday, Monday and Tuesday (ohhhhhhh yeeesssssssss), is really exhausting. However, I have not (and will not) sacrifice my eating because of it. I'm still prepping and logging all of my food. I know that if I default to crap food for convenience, not only will I see it on the scale, I will FEEL it in my energy and I will just generally feel like crap. I don't have time for that shit.

I'm too tired to write anymore. LOL. I just spent the last 5 minutes staring blankly at the screen. So, I'm going to take that as a sign and wrap it up. I can't guarantee another post this week, but I can guarantee I will have SHOW pictures for you next week! (And maybe a scale picture or 2!)

Keep moving forward....

Almost Wordless Post

Cause things are crazy, and I have almost no words. Because of things like this:


And planning this: (Poor Sammy has to have his party almost 3 weeks after his actual birthday! This WILL be his invite, once I change the name on it.)


















But still doing this:



AND:

Sunday Slam:
4 minute intervals

TRX round 1
10 rows
10 chest press
10 ham curls
 
Round 2
Ropes variation
40 Slams
40 Singles
15 circles (each direction)

Round 3
10 Weighted squats (40#)
10 single arm row (each) (30#)

Round 4
10 floor db press (30#)
15 weighted bridges (60#)

Round 5
20 Switch steps
10 rev crunch

Round 6
10 push-ups
10 box jumps

Sleds x2 - 460#!!!! 

 I feel a little like this:

Hitting the Gym - it does your SPIRIT good!

It seems that weekly posts are as good as we are going to get around here right now. 

I didn't set foot in the gym all weekend. Usually my weekends are scheduled around my gym time. Nothing of the sort this past weekend. I was exhausted, and hubby and I are shouldering most of the work on the show we are in coming up in August. We spent all weekend working on costumes mostly. We are actually starting to panic just a little that things are not going to come together...

Anyway, once Monday hit, I was really ready to hit it. I can tell when I haven't gotten to the gym in more the 2-3 days. I start feeling very sluggish and depressed. So, Monday I went to the gym and did this:

Sorry, the writing it messy. Hey, I make it up 5 minutes before I do it and I'm always anxious to get going!

Love me a heavy sled to push around!This is about 295#

I felt great afterward. I never regret a workout, that's for sure.

Then last night, I did this:

Another Power Playground workout at Tuff Girl. This was brutal! Check out the metabolic circuit that we went through in between strength moves! Yowza!

Tire flips! Cargo nets! Slosh pipe! Love, love, love!!

I really, really, loved it. And just in case you didn't see it in my last post. I DID THIS:

I cannot hide my pride! I remember last summer doing the Fitathalon and practically needing my coach to carry the lower 1/2 of my body in order to cross the monkey bars. NOW I CAN DO IT! I'm going to keep working so I can do hand-over-hand.

I attempted the rope again, and got up a little further. I'm going to conquer that bitch too!

I didn't weigh in this week. I didn't want to see it, because I felt so sluggish and heavy. I don't know that my weight is actually affected, but the way I was feeling? Well, I didn't want to feel any worse.

I will weigh in on Saturday and take what's there.

Eating has been pretty good, but the weekend was a little off.

Tonight is rehearsal and we are doing all choreography. In the heat and humidity. God, grant me the serenity!

Tomorrow night is another playground. I can't wait!

Keep moving forward!

I'm a MONKEY - VIDEO

YEAH BITCHES!!!

I am SO proud of this!

The first time I've ever been able to do this!
Well, technically it was the 2nd time - because I did it once in the workout and then AGAIN for the camera!

I'll be back later with a full post!
WOOHOO!

Conquring fears - Check, Sad decisions - Check.

Lapse in time again, I know. Sue me. You guys understand, I know.

I am down a few more lbs, but my stupid ticker at the top won't load so I can update it.

I looked my fear in the face and went to a new "Power Playground" workout last night. I was ready to do it last week, and after seeing a video of the stuff they were doing (rope climbs and monkey bars in particular) I got super nervous. 

So I did something I have never done with a workout at Tuff Girl.

I canceled it because I was scared.

Momentary lapse in courage.

But, I mustered the courage up and I went last night. Cause you know, when you are afraid of something - sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and dive into it.

Take a look: 

It was something, for sure! Whew!

The rope climb has become my new nemesis. The technique is tough for me. I need more core and hip flexor strength to make it work. I will keep trying.

I WILL make you my BITCH

Add some super heavy sleads: 

Bar hangs, and an awesome sledge hammer to a massive tire and that was only about 1/3 of the workout. 

I'm not sore yet. But I will be. Oh yes. 

This past weekend was so incredibly busy. I started off Saturday morning with this:

It was a good one! I had a great partner, too. A friend of mine met me over at the gym and we tackled it. 

The rest of Saturday was devoted to this:

Wedding reception

With the beautiful bride. Not a flattering pic for me, but that is a size Medium dress!

I sang at the wedding of a lovely friend and hubby and I went to the reception. It was all a little far from where we live, so we left the house around 12 noon and didn't return till almost 11:00PM. That's late for this old lady!

Sunday involved church and meetings and FINALLY catching up with my babies.

And just like that, the weekend was gone!

*sigh*

I'm transitioning into a new position at work and it's busy. One person has an issue with me being in the new position. Unfortunately, I have to work very closely with her. I hope we can work together professionally until she realizes I am awesome.

The situation I spoke of a few weeks ago came to a head and is now over. Unfortunately, we had to ask for the resignation of our music director. He was a friend of mine, and doing that really sucked. And just as I suspected, I have not heard from him. I'm sure I won't, and that this event has not only up-ended his life, but ended our friendship. It makes me sad. But in my position, I had to put my feelings for him aside and look at the situation from a professional perspective. When I did that, the answer was clear. Sad, but clear.

Anyway, keep moving forward guys...

DietBet 2 and sick again and The Race

Yes, I'm sick again...

It's really weird. I was thinking, not too long ago, that it takes quite a bit to get me sick nowadays. And in the last few months, I have been sick several times. All colds that take me down for a few days. They sit in my chest and makes exercising very difficult. Frankly, it's pissing me off.

However, I know for a fact that my stress level is MUCH higher the past few months because of work and the show. And I'm thinking that may be why. Thoughts?

I started my own dietbet, but I'm a loser and no one wants to join it. So, it's going to be canceled. Oh well, maybe I'll try starting one another time. So, anyway, since I think they are so much fun, I joined a different one that starts tomorrow. I'll weigh in tonight and get moving. Another 4% down - here I come!

Live Love Lift

The Race...

No, not some TV show. Our lives.

I follow this fantastic community called Push over on Facebook. She is one of the Weight Loss Rebels and she always has really interesting things to say. Yesterday she talked about a race. (This is all paraphrasing the very eloquent way to say this.) The race is just you. You aren't against anyone else. You have to run around a track 7 times to "win" and get to your "prize". So, you are jogging along and about 3 laps in you're like "I'm tired of this same old track, round and round in circles. I'm just going to sprint and get this shit over with" So you run your ass off. You are on your 6th lap and you simply cannot move on anymore. You are completely spent. Nothing left to give. So you stop. And you give up. Just shy of your goal.

So, what did you sprint for?

Who were you racing against?

What was your hurry?

I dunno. Sometimes I feel like if I don't get my exercise in everyday I am going to "fall behind".

Fall behind what? I have no idea.

Take now, for example. Being sick - not a good idea to go to the gym. I rescheduled my class till Thursday (assuming I feel better). The stress of feeling like I am "behind" or on some kind of time clock is not helping me in ANY way, shape or form! 

I like the tempo I am at right now. I'm not sprinting, but I am moving along at a good clip. It's all good, and I'm not going to let my sudden anxiety-driven urge to sprint take over. All it will cause is collapse on the sidelines for too long. Ya know what I mean?

Alright, let's switch gears for a second. You know you wanna see this:

My C25K finish on Sunday, before I started feeling like crap.

Taking the boys out to play in the rain on 7/4

Toothless! My Thing 1 lost his first tooth! And swallowed it! HA!

Keep moving forward, guys... whatever pace works for you!!

RICE and things on my mind

RICE: rest, ice, compress, elevate.

No, I'm not really injured, but my know what's to know what the fuck I am thinking running on it and then using it for things like squats, and walking, and standing upright.

Yeah.

So, I'm being proactive before it gets injured and while it's sore and mad at me to elevate and ice.

Ahhh....

I was very happy with today's workout. I did my C25K first, and finished with some heavy weight intervals. I wanted to work on ropes fir my final round, but some chic was using them in some kind of dancy-thing. I tried to wait it out, but she was there fir a long time, so I decided to forgo the last round. I wasn't upset, I was already spent!

I don't normally blog on weekends, but it's helping get my mind of of some stressful things coming up. The worst being something I talked briefly about last week will be coming to a head. Having interactions with a person who is going to be hurt and I will have played a part in it, and they don't even know it's coming yet. Oh, damn. It's ridiculous. I don't want to be fake to them. Laughing and joking all while knowing what's coming is just a slap in the face...

What can I do?

Avoid like the plague
Although that is not working so far.

Just venting. Now I will de-ice and try to sleep.

Keep moving forward...

Pool Workout and the next DietBet

Hello all!

Well, I think my pool workout was a success. I mean, if you don't sweat, does it still count? I was out of breath, muscles were burning. Good signs, right? 

Right.

Ok. Yesterday was a good eating day. No, there were no cookies involved, so yes, that makes it a good day. I thought we were having steak for dinner, but I forgot it was "Taco Tuesday"  -one of the few days I can get my boys to sit down to an actual meal - so steak will be tonight.

I love taco Tuesday because it's just as yummy to me without things like rice or tortillas, just in a bowl. Dump on some salsa on some spicy turkey breast, add a little cheese and I'm a happy camper.

Plus, leftovers for lunch. Yesss....

My knee is bothering me AGAIN. What the actual fuck, people. Just when I am getting back into running and I am actually WANTING to run. Figures. Even in my pool workout last night, it was hurting with some of the vigorous kicking I was doing. 

I hate being on a roll and my stupid body gets in the way.

Wow, that was a loaded statement, wasn't it. Gonna have to think on that one.

No workout tonight because of rehearsal. But I like to move around a lot during rehearsal, so I end up walking around (when I'm not on stage) for most of the 3 hour period. I figure it's certainly better than nothing.

I told you guys a few weeks ago I was participating in a DietBet. I did really well, lost more than the 4% needed and won back $54 - pretty sweet I'd say! I looked through some other dietbets starting soon to participate again, but I didn't know any of the peeps, so I decided to start my own! I like to be proactive, ya know. It's open to anyone (but I mostly just invited some friends and family)so if you want to check it out GO HERE

I really just thought it was a fun way to keep on track. I know some people use it as a marketing tool, or something, but to me, it was just a good time. Apparently money was a good motivator for me! Ha! 

Super hot and humid here today so I am continuously reminding myself to drink enough water. Chug-a-lug, people.

That's all for now!

Keep moving forward!

Pool Workouts and Cookies for Dinner

I hate being an emotional and stress eater. 3 cookies for dinner at a stressful meeting last night - NOT my finest hour. I wish I could spill my guts here, but on the off chance a certain someone is reading me, I gotta stay quiet.

I can say that I have been a part of something that is going to impact a friend negatively.  This person has brought it on themselves, and unfortunately, it has to be done. I am fairly sure I will completely lose the friendship. Suck, suck, suck.

However, eating cookies for dinner (I should have planned ahead and had dinner prior, but my tummy was in knots over this) just makes me feel like crap. Duh.

Tonight: Pool workout. Not leisurely floating in the pool. A real workout. It will be my first. We will see how it goes! This is the plan:

Pool walks: circling the pool (waist deep or higher). Getting the heart rate up. Not sure how many times. Maybe 5?
Side Leg raises: 10 each leg
Floating crunches: 15
"Superman": (imaging the motion you use to get up and out of the pool, or up and over a wall) -10
Pool walks: another 5?
Scissors: Fast kicking hanging onto a pool noodle or the side of the pool
Hands only swimming: (look ma, no feet!) 2 lengths of the pool
Pool Walks

Or maybe one of these I found from THIS website

I have no concept of how challenging this will be. We will see and I will report back.

Dinner will be steak and salad. 

That's all for now. 

Keep moving forward....

Gym Time - I almost talked myself out of it.

I almost talked myself out of it.

I was on the highway, driving to the gym, and I almost convinced myself to "just go home" and "workout later". 

It had been a tough Monday, and I knew hubby was having a tough time with the boys.

I suggested he bring them to the gym and meet me.

He declined.

I almost talked myself out of it.

But then, I drove by my exit. Down 2 more exits to the gym.

I'm SO glad I did.

After I got changed I checked out "my corner". The corner of the gym with the turf, sleds, TRX, ropes, etc. That's where I always go now. 

It was REALLY full. Facility trainers training clients.

Dammit.

So, I stood there for a moment. I wasn't even sure of my workout yet, so I took a moment to put it into my phone:

6 rounds. 35/15 (work/rest)

Round 1
Single arm row L (#35)
Single arm row R (#35)
Weighted squats (#35)
X2

Round 2 (Now referred to as my "WTF round")
Power jacks
Plank jacks
Squat jacks
X2

Round 3
TRX chest press
TRX Plank
TRX Y fly
X2

Round 4
Switch steps
Box jump to burpee
Push-ups
X2

Round 5
Rope variation x3
X2

Finisher
Sled pushes
305x2 lengths
335x4 lengths

I decided to squeeze around people and just do my thing. This is hard for a fat girl (formerly fatter girl) who always feels like she is in everyone's "way"

The most gratifying moment of the workout (besides the end. Ha!) was a TRAINER looking at me slamming ropes and saying "Wow".

Yeah, that happened.

My sleds: 

305 (sled = 100, 4x45, 1x25)

335 (Sled = 100, 4x45, 2x25)

 
I'm also down more on the scale. Feeling really good. My Diet Bet is officially over and I exceeded my weight loss goal by 2 lbs. YES. Not sure how much $$ I'll get, but it'll be at least as much as I put in.

Today's workout is Day 1 of C25K again. I haven't run in a while, so I am restarting the program to train with a friend who wants to do a 5K in October. It will be good to build up my stamina for my next mud run, WARRIOR DASH! That will be on Sept 20!

Now, something that pissed me off:

REALLY?

You DESERVE a donut?? Ridiculous.

That's all! Keep moving forward!