The REAL ME

Who the fuck am I, anyway??

For real. Who am I?

What do I WANT.

What do I LIKE/LOVE/HATE

Am I living the life I WANT?

How do I REALLY FEEL about things like exercise? Food?

WHERE or ON WHAT am I willing to compromise??

Does there HAVE to be compromise?

These questions seem totally ridiculous. What kind of person doesn't know who they are?? W.T.F.

This kind of person doesn't know. A person who, because I have been obese for so much of my life, made it a point to make others happy, so maybe they wouldn't notice my size. If that meant saying I believe something I didn't, so be it. If it meant doing something I wouldn't have done normally, fine.

On and on. It happened all the time. I followed the crowd. I had to, or someone might call me out.
If I ever spoke up for myself, against the grain - immediate backlash

"Fat bitch"

"Stupid fat-ass"

"Moron"

If you've heard it, I've likely been called it.

So, to save myself from the pain of backlash, I fell in with the crowd. Kept my mouth shut when I didn't agree. It got to the point where I just didn't trust myself to know what was best or right for me.

How can you live a life where you can't trust YOURSELF??

Well, I'm going to tell you what I know.

That shit has to stop.

I have to think about ME. What is making ME happy. What is good for MY FAMILY. What MY priorities are.

5:00 AM workouts don't work for me. I am not going to do it. I don't care if that means I am exercising at 9:00 PM, I WILL NOT GET UP AT 5AM.

I really DO enjoy eating clean foods about 80% of the time. The other 20% will be defined by the following parameters:

-Foods that tastes good - I mean really, really good. If it's not TOTALLY worth it, there is NO point.
-Foods that DO NOT illicit a binge, or binge/overeating mentality

This second one is a HUGE item. The kinds of things that illicit binging for me are almost anything made with real sugar, junk "snack" type food, and even "healthier" snack food, like trail mix, granola, cereals...
I don't want to binge, and I don't want to fight binging, and therefore I continue to go without the foods that create this situation.

I WILL occasionally have my Click protein in the morning. I WILL occasionally have a diet Dr. Pepper. I have read the data and I know the story. These things are not much better for you than the real thing, health wise - but for me, MENTALLY, the "real" thing is MUCH, MUCH worse.

And right now, I don't want to always be without.

Now, moving on to exercise.

I don't not want to have a "hard body".

I will never look like that, and I am TOTALLY OK with that.

I LOVE the feeling of nice, strong muscles in my arms and legs. I love seeing the change in my butt and back... I will NEVER NOT want those strong muscles, and I will continue to work for them.

If I miss a workout, it's GOING TO BE OK.

I really like working out. I like the feeling of accomplishment, I love what it is doing to my body, and I love those damn endorphins after! WooHOO!

I WILL NOT feel guilty when I miss one. I WILL do it because I love it, and NOT because I am afraid that someone will judge me if I don't.

FUCK YOU, JUDGERS.

I cannot let the FEAR of what someone else will think of me rule my world ANYMORE.

So it's really up to me to know myself. No one else can. I am the only one.

Now, get the fuck out of my way.