Small miracles

Not sure what to even call this post yet... maybe something will strike me mid-way.

I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.

Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.

It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.

I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.

So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.

The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.

Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.

I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.

If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.

 Full Rugged Maniac Southwick 2012

What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.

*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.

One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.

Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00

Eats:
BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...

When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.

Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...