Tuesday, December 31, 2013

NYE 2013

I’m looking back on the the year and I am thinking about how much has changed. Most of it is for the
better. I had my surgery this year; I’ve also fluctuated in weight this year. I
have learned (even more so than before) that I can’t trust people so easily. I
started lifting heavy this year. I’ve begun to really unravel my disordered
eating, making some really big strides in my stress and anxiety level regarding
food. I have had 2 more successful semesters at school, and I will be honored
to have a case study I worked on this semester submitted as student work to the
Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

This time of year is especially full of diet dogma. It’s all
over. Every “diet” is “THE ONE”. The miracle that everyone is seeking. Most of
it has to do an awful lot with being really hungry, ignoring your own body’s
cues and needs, and then shaming yourself when you “fail”.

I don’t advertise for any particular way of eating. Eyes on
your own plate and to each his own, etc. I just know that for ME – I was tired
of “failing”. It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t failing, I just wasn’t
being MYSELF. I was trying to be someone else. Follow someone else’s “rules”,
in order to be “perfect”.

Fuck that. I am SO NOT perfect.

And now, finally, I am working super hard to be HAPPY with

It’s SUCH a learning curve to actually start LISTENING to my
body, instead of ignoring it and trying to stuff it into a mold it didn’t want
to go into.

Now, I’m finding my very own mold J

For the first New Years in I don’t know HOW long, I could
care less about what I eat tonight. And that doesn’t mean I am going to gorge
on a bunch of food. I mean it in that I don’t NEED to do that, because I am not
starting a “diet” on 1/1/14. I’m gonna eat for my bodies needs, go lift some
heavy shit, get in some heart-pounding metabolic (like normal) and move on with
my life.

This is not an easy way to be. I still want to eat when I am
bored, sad, mad… So I am still figuring out what to do in those situations. I
will always be a work in progress. But that’s how God made me.

Happy New Year, everyone. I wish you happiness and Peace.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Beating the Blues

Merry after-Christmas.

No worries, I’m not back to bitch today. I am sure you will be happy about that. ;-)

I just gave a big sigh – I am GLAD Christmas is over. I get so much more stressed than I even realize and I am so glad it’s behind me now.

We had a beautiful X-mas eve service, and I really enjoyed the sermon – about “coming home” and how Christ has always been and will always be our “Home”. It was great, made me feel really good, even in the midst of a cruddy cold I am (still) fighting.

The boys were ELATED on Christmas day. Up at 5:30am. Thing 2 (remember, he’s only 3) would open up each gift and say “It’s JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!” and then go for another. It was hilarious!

Other than a few over-stimulation related mini meltdowns, they were good boys, and we took it easy. Mom came over, we stayed in PJ’s/cozies and just chilled and snacked. Bliss.

Tomorrow we get together with my side of the family for our “Christmas” which consists of LOTS of noise (6 kids under 7, 6 of them are boys), food, family whom I love more than anything, a fun grab-bag game, The Polar Express and hot chocolate for the kids… it’s going to be great. How lucky am I that I get celebrate Christmas Eve with my in-laws, Christmas with my tribe and my mom, AND “Christmas” with my whole family?

I took a few days off the gym (Christmas eve and day, of course) but then took an extra one off yesterday as I try to get rid of this yucky cold. I had ZERO energy. However, I AM going tonight AND tomorrow morning. Maybe I can sweat out this cold! YES!

I’ve been thinking more about my food. I have put on some weight – I can feel it in my clothes. NOT getting on the scale, but I’m going to take some measurements and work toward leaning out. It’s going to be slow, because I am not going to go back to my restrict-binge cycle again. I don’t want an eating plan without cheese. I don’t want a diet where I can never have a Starbucks soy latte (extra hot – yum), or chocolate. Your reaction may be “Well, no shit!” But remember that I was constantly working under the guise of perfection. If I was going to eat clean, it was going to be PERFECT. And if I had some sugar? Well, I had fucked it all up and I was screwed. All those “clean eaters” using maple syrup or honey in recipes? WHAT?? They are doing it WRONG!!! SUGAR IS SUGAR!!!!

Who the hell am I to say they are doing anything wrong? Who are YOU to say it?

The phrase “eyes on your own plate” springs to mind. I won’t judge your grocery cart, so you don’t judge mine.

So, after all this blabbering, I will tell you I am taking the “Whole Food Challenge” at Bodyology. I’ve done it before, but for very different reasons. This time, I am doing it purposefully imperfectly.

I remember sitting in one of the past challenge meetings; Christa would say “You need to make this challenge your own. If you really want cream and sugar in your coffee, if that’s your “thing” go for it.” I would think – no, no – I must do this challenge exactly as written. It must be perfect, or it won’t “work”.

And THAT is the exact thinking that would lead me through a “perfect” challenge, and a crash and burn at the end.

No more crash and burn. I am striving to make it all these things normal and sane. The support I gain from the challenge groups is phenomenal. So, I’m doing it.

I want to find that “sweet” spot (forgive the pun). The place where I am mentally happy, not obsessing, but tracking and leaning out slowly. I think this challenge will help me with that. However, I am still watching things now. Tracking “softly” (meaning I track when I am suspicious that I may be heading over my TDEE) and getting in fresh foods.

But, I am also going a bit overboard with the holiday eating. Thus, the reason clothes are starting to get tight and feel uncomfortable. I won’t get on the scale, because I know I would freak out. But I will gage it on the measurements I am taking tonight and how my clothes are feeling.

Whew, this is getting wordy, so I’ll wrap it up.

(Warning: Christian musing ahead. Skip if you’re not into it) One more thing I want to say (and I’ll elaborate in another post) is that I find it amazing how life works. How God works. When you aren’t sure what to do, or when you have a little voice in the back of your head telling you something that you might be afraid to listen to, the Lord shows you the way. It becomes clear. That voice is the Lord speaking through you, telling you your own souls needs and wants. Then, when you are afraid to listen, He makes it more clear. Even the “little” things. I am always asking God to “smack me in the face with” anything he needs to tell me, because sometimes I get so caught up in worldly things I don’t hear Him. But, He hears ME. Amazing.

I’ll try to be a better blogger, but I can make no guarantees. I will pop in as much as I can!

I hope everyone’s holiday season is wonderful. And if you were as stressed as I was, you ca

Friday, December 20, 2013

December Blues

December Blues

I feel like Charlie Brown. I don’t know that I will even publish this post.

Part of the reason I haven’t been posting is because my work computer won’t load blogger anymore. In order to post this, I type it in Word, send it to myself via e-mail, open up my kindle, get the e-mail, copy and paste it into blogger, erase extraneous strange things that paste along with it (coming from my work e-mail) and hope I have enough Wi-Fi power to actually post it from my kindle.

Why can’t I just do this from home? Well, you know. Once I leave here for the day, the last thing I have any time to do is something like blog. When I do have time, it’s at night time, and frankly, my bed is more important.

But here I am today, because I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t read anyone’s blog at all (sorry!) so I have no idea what’s going on with all of you, either.

I’ve been lifting heavy (PR’s right now: 225 dead-lift, 105 bench press and 155 back squat). My beloved training studio is now changing the format of things. Of course, I’ll stay the course and check it out. I hope I love it as much as I have loved it for the time I have been there. When I walk into the studio, I can forget everything else. It’s the only time.

Truth is I’ve been quite down. Not really having to do with eating or training… but mostly work related. My job is changing; my place in the office is changing (being moved to the shittiest place to be in the office. Because my co-worker and I are obviously the least important people here, so we get relegated to the back corner. Literally, sitting in a hallway.); and frankly, this job is getting really weary. You see people come in, you work with them, and they die. Seriously. More of my patients are dying than getting transplanted, and it’s painful.

This time of year should be magical and special. I’m trying my hardest to make it that way for my boys, and I really think its working. I guess I miss the magic. *cue the music: “Where are you, Christmas?”*

The business of life takes its toll. I always think things are going to get better, a little more breathing room, in between semesters. But it never works that way. There is always something to take the place of that time. How does that happen? I don’t know.

I know. I’m not very Merry. Well, that’s life, I guess. I don’t feel merry, so I’m not going to pretend I am. No reason to save face in front of all 85 of you who follow me.

Tomorrow is hubby’s 40th birthday. He and I went to a concert and dinner at the beginning of the month, but I still feel bad that there is nothing for him to open. Now I’m starting to think I should have planned a party, or something… but I don’t know when we would have had it. We are running the church’s Christmas Pageant, and we will be in church for it all day tomorrow. I ordered a cake and balloons and I will bring them out at the end of rehearsal so all the kids can sing to him. I hope that he’ll like that… but it’s not enough.

When is it ever enough?

When am I ever enough?

Never. Feels like never.

Hoping my outlook will turn around soon. I’ll put it on for the kids, of course. Their happiness is everything to me, even when I can’t feel it inside myself.

Here’s to 2014 – and more of the same shit.