I've lost 185lbs, and then gained some back.
But I'm kicking ass and striving for my ultimate goal: A 200 lb loss.
Working all mental, physical and emotional aspects of being healthy, happy and fit. You'll see my ups and downs here, because I'm proud to be imperfect!
Sorry for the downer post yesterday. I am nervous about next week and it is effecting me mood hardcore. But, I can’t be brought down, dammit!
I took a muscle relaxer last night going to bed, but it still took me 3 hours to fall asleep. The leg feels a little better today, and I’m going to try and keep it that way. The original plan was spinning for today. I honestly don’t know if that’s such a hot idea… I’m going to wait and see how things feel nearer to the end of the day.
I also realized I didn’t post any eats for yesterday. So, here are eats for today:
Ezekiel and PB
Banana and edamame
Large veggie salad with tuna on top
Plain Greek yogurt with blueberries
Black bean soup, and… something else. Dunno what.
I am cutting down on the coffee… too much per day. No bueno.
Drinking 80-90 oz of water today is my goal.
I can’t let the nerves bring me down. I have to get EXCITED.
Ok, ok…I’m trying.
5 days. This weekend will be a lot of prep for next week. Solidifying schedules of transportation and sitters for my little minions, (THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER!!!!) and prepping the house for me not to be running it for a while. I am doing some research on some protein smoothies I can drink post surgery. From what I have seen, it’s difficult to eat after surgery, and it’s also difficult to.. .umm... “go”. So, I think going for some liquid nutrition might help in both cases. I’m going to get some clean protein, stock up on some frozen berries, plain Greek yogurt, and ground flax seed. I may try to incorporate some greens in there too. I don’t know if my blender will actually work for doing greens, so we will see. I don’t have a fancy-schmancy smoothie maker, or anything.
Anyone have a recommendation for a good quality, CLEAN protein powder that doesn’t taste like dog poo?
I had an exam yesterday, and I’m SO happy it’s over. I think I did well.
Last night, I started noticing a “twinge” in my right leg. It would “twinge” in my hip/butt area, and radiate slightly down my leg.
I noticed it a little more trying to fall asleep.
Today, I’m noticing it a LOT and it’s quite a bit of pain now. Not just a “twinge”
My right foot gets tingly, like it’s falling asleep. Which is a switch from the normal heel pain I have in that leg. Score. Not that that pain is gone – no, no – we’ve just added to the pile.
I spoke to one of the nurses I work with and she said she bets anything I’ve aggravated my sciatica. It feels very similar to when I had that issue while preggers with Thing 2, so her “diagnosis” rang true for me.
This means no Group Power tonight. I’m going to do some upper body at home.
As I sit, my whole leg, from hip to foot, is freaking throbbing.
Tylenol is not doing jack shit for it.
So, needless to say, I’m unhappy. Also needless to say, it could be a lot worse. So, I’m going to suck it up, ice and heat at home and do some stretches that should be helpful.
6 Days till surgery. 6. Freakin’. Days.
I’m very nervous, of course. But I am very excited. This is a whole new beginning for me.
I hope everyone is well, out there. Peace to all of you.
Weekend was good, and I had another awesome workout at Bodyology. This one was a 3 section, 10 minute per section, ladder complex for 2 of the 3. I started with metabolic, because it’s my weakest, so I wanted to bang it out while I still had some steam. 40 switch steps, 40 pushups, 40 band rows, and 40 burpees. Ugh.
Then I moved to TRX where the ladder complex began – 12, 10, and 8 (or 10, 8, 6 for intermediate/beginner) – jump squats, Y-flys, chest press, lunges, rows, core fall-outs.
Then finally, the strength section. Again, the ladder was the same, but I wanted to go a little heavier with weight and take the intermediate ladder. I grabbed a set of 25lb weights. One of the points of this particular set was to NOT remove your hands from the weights. Keep it moving. So, it’s working your grip and forearm strength as well as the other muscles in the exercise. It was weighted squats, exploding shoulder press, weighted lunges, dead lifts and pushups. 25 is my max with exploding shoulder press, and at this point of the workout, I could only “explode” them up once. After that, my form was obviously shot. My shoulders simply wouldn’t do anymore, so I had to drop weight to 20 lbs to do the ladder. About half way through, I thought I wasn’t going to finish is time, but I pushed and pushed. I finished with seconds to spare.
SUPER INCREDIBLY sore today! My legs especially.
Eating was good… tough to stay on track – temptation is everywhere, but triumphed on that. I find getting my water in on weekends especially challenging.
Last full week of work until surgery! I can’t believe it! In 8 days, I will go in. I’m getting more and more nervous, and trying very hard not to let the nerves get to me. I think I asked hubby 20 times this weekend if it was really “worth it”. I mean, major surgery – 2 boys at home… Each of those 20 times he looked me right in the eyes and said “YES. YOU are worth it”
Love that man.
That’s it for now. I hope you all are doing well out there! Norma mentioned some bloggers that have been MIA – I hope they are OK! Missing you!
Confession: I did NOT eat turkey and sweet potato for dinner.
When I got home, hubby had surprised me with food from an awesome vegan restaurant near us. Instead of full (large) meals, he got a few sides of the stuff we really like. So, dinner last night was grilled tempeh with Creole spices, 1 bite of vegan “spanikopita” and some sweet potato fries. It was very, very good. Hard to determine calories, but I am assuming I went over for my daily allotment. But, it’s ok. I did NOT allow it to send me to “that” place. The place I feel as though I have “already screwed up” so I “might as well…” Nope. I moved on, skipped the evening snack, and on plan as usual today.
Speaking of plan, DAMN I need to go to the grocery store!
A committee meeting has popped up for this evening (BOO – I LOVE my Friday nights at home! Grr!) So I am going to get in a quick HIIT at home before hand. Tomorrow morning is Bodyology… I can’t believe I only have a few more workouts there until I am recovered. To return to that kind of intensity, it will probably be 6-8 weeks. *sniff*
Eats for today
Ezekiel and pb
Hummus, naan bread, 2 oz cabot 50% - FYI – NOT enough food for lunch. Enough calories, but not “keep me full” kinda food.
Dry roasted edamame
Turkey breast and salad (that was going to be last night!)
I did not bring enough food for the day today, basically because I just couldn’t wait to crawl into my bed last night and I skimped on… well, skimped on THINKING. UGH
This weekend will be low-ish key. My “service engine soon” light is on in my car and I am blessed to have a friend who is going to take a look at it – even just to give us a heads up on what the problem could be. Hopefully we will get that done tomorrow morning, as there is another storm coming in tomorrow that could be snow, or rain, or both, and frankly, I would rather be home for that crap.
In other news, they just arrested a girl who was making bombs and threatening to blow up and shoot all the students at the college I attend. Awesome. Really makes me feel nice and safe. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I don’t have a ton to write about today, but wanted to check in. I promised a list of 15 bloggers that I would nominate for the “Most Inspiring Blogger” award. I read a lot of blogs, for sure, but these blogs are ones I read all of the time, and they inspire me in different ways. When I need some inspiration or a good kick in the ass, I often turn to these folks and their writing. See the bottom of the post for the list. AS soon as I can figure out how to get it on my side bar, I will add it! J
No exercise for me today. I was close to going in for spin class before church choir again, but my body is really, really tired. I mean, really tired. So, I am listening to it, and I am trying to trust myself, which is a challenge for me.
Eats for today:
Ezekiel and PB
Banana and almonds
Salad with lots of veggies, a tbs sunflower seeds, olive oil and vinegar for dressing, tuna fish on top
2 oz cabot 50% red cheese, dry roasted edamame
Turkey breast, sweet potato, broccoli
Lots of water
All of this is measured and such – so no worries. I just don’t feel like writing that all out here! LOL
The stats are very good, right where I like to see them. I like to be especially careful on days I’m not exercising fully.
I have decided NOT to weigh myself until the morning of surgery. I have no idea what the scale will say. I know that I feel GREAT. I feel healthy. I feel strong and “light”. I recognize my feeling of hunger and I eat what I have planned. I exercise my butt off and I do NOT wear any kind of body monitor. I’m DONE with the obsessing.
Surgery is in 12 days. 12 freakin’ days!!! BAHHH!!! I can’t believe this! I have such butterflies. I am worried, but excited. I am starting to wonder how the sudden removal of this excess weight will affect my back and heal, which still hurt often.I suppose that can’t get worse, it can only get better!
Hubby and I were mapping out the financial plan for the next month. The priorities of the items I normally cover: Daycare for Thing 2, before-care at school for Thing 1, needed supplies for the kids (e.g.: diapers, wipes, school supplies), clean food for the family, hospital co-pay and surgical items needed. If we can cover those, everything else can wait. Even credit cards and other bills- If we get into trouble, we will talk to them and work it out.
Speaking of financials – CHECK OUT MY SIDE BAR!!! I have made it to my GOAL of $1500! You remember this goal was lowered from the $2500 because a donor came forward and offered to match my donations up to $1000. Honestly, I’m unsure if that is happening now, BUT if not, we will be able to push through and make it work. And it’s all thanks to my friends and family support, both in my “real” life and here in bloggy-land. THANK YOU.
All I can ask for now is your prayers/good vibes/good thoughts. Thank you in advance for that, for sure!
So, here we are: 15 blogs I read and am inspired by most. Thank each and every one of you for giving me so much in the road I am on (See, Norma, I refrained from using the word JOURNEY! LOL)
I was out of work and out of commission yesterday with a little home issue. No big deal, everyone is good and it’s taken care of. But, that’s why there was no post yesterday.
I went into Bodyology for a kick-ass workout on Monday. LIKE A BOSS. Loved it. Still sore. Love that too!
Tonight is Group Power at the gym. I am very happy with the time I am making for workouts right now. I admit, knowing that in a mere 13 days I will be in surgery has me pumped up for a few reasons. One, of course, you know – I want to be as fit as possible to keep this as complication free as possible, and two – I will be laid up, unable to exercise full out for weeks. UGH! Gotta get the sweating in NOW.
My eating has been GREAT. Yesterday, being off of work, would normally try my resolve, but NO. I ate very clean, without a thought of anything different.
I have to confess: I have wanted to get on the scale. There are pros and cons, of course. I have talked about them.
Cons: I feel REALLY good right now, and REALLY happy. If I get on the scale and that stupid number is higher than some little voice in my head *thinks* it should be, it really screws with me mentally and emotionally. This is the WHOLE reason I wanted to STOP the scale insanity to begin with…
Pros: Ummmm….. Damn. I am hard pressed to find a really go “pro” to weighing myself. Any ideas out there? Would there be any real pro’s to weighing myself right now (well, not “right” now, you know what I mean!)
Eats for the day (very boring)
B: ezekial bread, PB
S: banana, almonds
L: spaghetti squash bake
S: 4 oz plain greek yogurt, ½ blueberries
D: turkey cutlet, salad
S: MAYBE some air popped popcorn. Not sure.
SO – pretty cool thing: I have been nominated for “Very Inspiring Blogger” award! (And the crowd goes wild!!)
It was very, very kind of Tanvee to nominate me for this award. As soon as I get home, I will add it to my side bar! J
In spirit of this award, I will do my due diligence and follow “da rules”
Very Inspiring Blogger Award Rules
Display the Very Inspiring Blogger badge in a post or on your sidebar (see above!)
Link back to the person who nominated you (again, see above!)
State seven things about yourself so that people can find out a little bit more about you.
Nominate fifteen blogs you enjoy visiting and link to them; and
Notify those bloggers of their nomination and the Very Inspiring Blogger requirements
Wow – this is a lot of work. LOL.
Seven things about me… I’ll use some things you may already know and some you may not.
1.I have an older brother who is one of my best friends. I miss him, his wife and my incredible little nephew TONS because they live clear across the world in Seattle. (ok, not quite across the world)
2.It took me 5 years to complete my bachelors in music because of ONE CLASS (damn piano!!!)
3.I am a control freak but I really don’t like conflict (and yes, I think sometimes these things go hand in hand. Not that controlling people LIKE conflict, but they can HANDEL it… I’m not really one of them)
4.When I was pregnant with my first son, I could drink up to a gallon of milk in just a few days. It’s all I wanted to drink. Now I can’t remember the last time I had cow’s milk
5.I sometimes wake up in “half-dreams” and think there are people/animals/things in my bedroom. I get so convinced they are really there I sometimes have to turn on a light to show myself they aren’t. Yes, it is freaky. Happens a few times a month.
6.I really, really, really want to get a dog, but it’s totally not happening right now. I think Thing 2 would kill it with love. LOL. 2 year olds just don’t know “gentle”
7.I think my hubby and I are in the best place we have EVER been with our relationship. It makes me very, very happy.
Now, for nominations…..
Woh… 15, with links… this is going to be a whole separate post. Be on the lookout later!
I hope your weekend was wonderful. Mine was good, but once again, too short. Eh, what else is new, right? What was REALLY nice is getting some alone time with my hubby last night. My mom had the boys overnight and for today, as they are off of school, and we are working. It was a nice, relaxed time. You know I love, Love, LOVE my boys, but a little quiet time is needed sometimes.
I was very happy with my eating and exercise this weekend. I won’t go through the boring details, but it was totally clean and I only had the urge to consume crap when we went to Walmart yesterday to pick up diapers and baby wipes and we were faced with a WALL OF EASTER CANDY. W. T. F. I was excessively proud of hubby and me that we successfully avoided it, got what we needed and got out.
In my past life, I would have snatched up TONS of junk to eat while the kids were out of the house. BUT, this is NOW. This is how my life has totally changed. I didn’t even actually think about buying it. I thought about how my past self would have done it would even thinking about it. JOY!
Saturday’s workout was called The Hulk at Bodyology. It’s a strength workout, with some metabolic thrown it, and it’s one of my favorites. I made my way through the circuits and tried heavier weights than I thought I could (135 lb bridge lifts, baby!) and challenging myself as much as possible (5 toe pushups with resistance band, then 7 without band). The last round was box jumps. You know I’ve been working on them. So I kept telling myself it was going to go smoothly – I could totally handle the 20” rouge box.
We finally got to it. I stood in front of that rouge box for 1:15 never actually making a jump.
Not. One. F*cking. Jump.
I was PISSED at myself. At this point, the workout is over, and all the tuff ladies are milling around, getting their water and towels. Christa noticed I was upset and came over to ask if I had jumped. I told her no. She told me to go do 10 jumps on the lower step, which I did. Then, she instructed me not to think, and just jump the 20”.
I readied myself, and then stopped. Readied, and then stopped.
At this point, the rest of the class was noticing. Within seconds, they were all around me, clapping and cheering for me. I was mortified and exhilarated all at once. I tried – hit my knees. Tried again – hit my knees.
I was NOT GOING TO LET THIS 20” BEAT ME.
Finally – one last time – feet planting firmly on top of the box.
I had done it.
The room exploded with cheering. All I could do was cry. Christa cried too!
THIS is what I am looking for!!! Goals achieved through hard work and determination that have NOTHING to do with the number on the scale.
The support I got on Saturday morning was like nothing I have ever experienced. I am SO BLESSED to have a fitness family like this.
Sunday’s workout was a quick and beastly body-weight-only exercise circuit right in my own living room. 25 minutes huffing, puffing, and sweating. It was great!
Today, my friends, I get to go back to Bodyology because I have no school tonight. This workout is called “The Hero”. I have done this workout only once before, and I distinctly remember telling myself to AVOID IT in the future because it was SO tough. Well, it is what it is, my friends, and I am headed into it with vengeance.
Not sure about dinner yet. It will include turkey cutlets. I think I might make almond crusted turkey cutlets, and maybe concoct a buffalo sauce for the top (sans butter. I actually make it with Greek yogurt and hot sauce. YUM!) and probably a salad and ½ sweet potato.
Oh – a little side note. I have my pre-op appointment this morning, and as smartly suggested by you guys, I told the doc about my dizziness. They checked everything out and said it all looked good. They were not concerned! And I am VERY glad! They did blood work as well, so if anything comes up there, we will know soon.
15 Days till surgery… getting more nervous. Hubby is SUPER nervous. We had a long talk about it this weekend. I think it’s better for both of us to verbalize our anxiety. That, and do a lot of cleaning – which apparently makes him feel better, and I’m not going to argue!J
Alright peeps, this is long enough. Be healthy today! Keep moving forward!
Why is it that “short” weeks (I was off Monday because of the blizzard) seem so. Damn. Long! ACK!
Ok, anyway. It’s only 18 days till my surgery. I’m starting to get VERY nervous. But I’m not the only one, my husband is having some serious anxiety that he is taking out on the house. What do I mean by that? Well, he is going on a serious-crazy-cleaning spree. I swear he is like a nesting pregnant woman. No lie. When I inquired why he felt we needed to do things like clean out the attic and the basement, like, THIS WEEKEND, he started to reveal the anxiety. Things like:
“What if you come home after surgery and trip on something?”
“When you come home, you won’t be able to clean and I don’t want anything around that will drive you crazy” (‘Cause it would)…
So I am thinking there is some anxiety brewing, for sure.
I wish I could quell his fear, but it’s difficult when I’m having some of my own. We will talk more about it this weekend. Apparently, while we are cleaning the house from top to bottom.
Anyway, our office is once again filled with baked goods and we had our employee appreciation luncheon today, which of course, includes food. I ate the lunch I brought right before and had some salad with vinegar at the luncheon. It’s a co-workers birthday, and 2 people saw fit to bring in cake. 2, we have 2 cakes, cookies from yesterday, and for some reason, some boxed coffee cake and doughnuts.
Now, most of the office is on the mid-afternoon snack kick and they are swarming the food like buzzards on fresh kill. Yum. Blech.
Ezekiel and PB
3 oz chicken breast, 1 oz red fat cheese, 3 oz sweet potato, diced
Salad, mostly nutritionally void iceberg, some baby greens, cucumber and vinegar.
½ red pepper, 0.75 oz red fat cheese
Dinner – unknown. I would love some spicy shrimp and quinoa with some steamed veggies, but I may settle for a salad. Not sure. Not feeling all that excited about it.
I hate the way that the presence of food I am choosing not to eat, but crave, makes me feel. Edgy, anxious, resentful…angry even. I don’t want to feel this way. I really hate it that it brings me down. When I get down, I am more likely to overeat or binge. I feel good that I am recognizing these things now, and can take steps to stay far away from “that place”.
Right now, drinking water like it’s my job. I have eaten my food at work for the day, and the frenzy of the “treats” seems to have died down a little. I am feeling very confident I won’t have a problem getting through the rest of the day without a lapse in judgment.
Interesting situation… I haven’t mentioned it yet, but today’s events are leading me to wonder…
Last weekend I passed out. Very, very briefly, at home. We were all home, and I didn’t get hurt, because I fell against our armchair and it cushioned my fall. It was literally seconds. I got up quickly from a chair, felt very lightheaded and suddenly, everything sort of faded into black. Then, I was on the floor. Weird. I felt totally fine after I gathered myself together. I haven’t really thought about it much. Today, however, when I get up from my desk at work, I am feeling that similar lightheadedness, but not to the extreme of last weekend. Any ideas? I haven’t been GREAT about water today (maybe have had 40 oz till now, and I just downed 23 more). I don’t remember how “good” I was with water that day.
I know fainting in general is a drop in blood pressure… hmmm… I dunno.
So, it’s 3:23 on Friday morning, and I’m counting down the last hour. I hope you all have a great, healthy weekend. I’ve got Bodyology on tap for tomorrow morning, and for Monday evening. Sunday will be the gym – TRX and such with hubby.
Thanks for the feedback on yesterdays post. I hear what you guys are saying and I TOTALLY get it. I’m nervous about this decision, but I feel secure about it at the same time. Oxy-moron, right? I know…
I am really working at being VERY in touch with my body right now. When you are 365 or even 265, you don’t want to be in touch with your body. You want to ignore it and stuff your face. Well, at least, I did. So, now when I am feeling edgy I ask myself why. If I *think* I am hungry, I stop and ask myself if I really am, or if it’s something else. RIGHT NOW, in THIS MOMENT, it’s working for me. I can’t say I am never going to weigh myself, because I know that’s not true, but for right now, I’m staying away.
My biggest fear is the truth sitting in the back of my mind. The “truth”, or thought, that says “when you DO eventually get on the scale, you will see a big loss! Can’t wait!”
It’s back there. Lurking. And then the reality – what if I DON’T see that loss? What am I going to do then? How am I going to feel?
I would LOVE to say I could move on from it, but I know that is a lie. Ok, maybe “lie” is a little harsh. But I know it would be tremendously difficult to move on from it. Looking at what I am eating and the training I am doing, I feel like my body should be dropping fat. So, what it comes down to is: Just because I’m not getting on the scale, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about what the scale is going to say.
So, really, is there any difference? Am I just as obsessed as before, just keeping it under control for the moment? I have no idea.
Eats for today:
After getting a call for a 90 minute delay for school this morning, my day got all screwy! LOL. I’m used to waiting till I come into work for breakfast, but hanging at home, I was really feeling hungry. So, things are a little off:
Ezekiel bread, pb (home)
Ezekiel bread, pb (the one I packed for work)
4oz chicken breast with spicy seasoning, salsa, ½ sweet potato
4 oz plain greek yogurt, 3 oz blueberries
Banana (right before spin)
Salad for dinner, with chicken breast on top.
2 servings of PB = being extra careful with calories for today, but still rockin’ out with 80 grms of protein today.
Spin class after work.
Dinner and general cleaning myself up after spin
Choir after dinner.
Oh right, crap – Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I got Thing 1 and Thing 2 little cards and little stuffed hearts that giggle. I’ll be totally annoyed with the noise by the end of the evening. But, I figure the little hearts are small, so they will lose them fast. J
I’m an awesome mama like that.
No candy hearts for me today. No chocolate filled anything. Actually, hubby and I aren’t even celebrating till the first weekend in March, when we might have a little money to actually go out and have a nice dinner. This will probably be the first V-Day in my life I haven’t given myself “permission” to eat some chocolate. **I mean, after all, it is a holiday right? It is the thing to do, right?** Hmmm. Easy excuses to fall into. Not today, my friends.
Much love to you all. I hope you all find love in your lives. Getting love from outside people is wonderful, but from YOURSELF is the most important.
I have to say I am a little sad I didn’t get more support on yesterdays post post. 36 views and one comment. It’s ok. I know what many of you may be thinking – not weighing myself is an excuse to eat poorly. I understand where you may be coming from, and all I can say is – it cannot be further from the truth.
Just to give you a snap shot of food yesterday:
Oatmeal, egg white, blueberries
Ezekiel bread, PB
Chicken bites (clean, made at home), 4 quinoa bites (clean, made at home)
Carrots and hummus
Salad with romaine, spinach, peppers, tomatoes, carrots, a few olives and 1 tbs home made dressing
air popped popcorn
A little on the carby side, I realized. But calories still in check. I AM still logging food into Livestrong – I can only trust myself a little at a time!
That’s what I think this is coming down to. I have never trusted myself with anything related to eating properly, weight loss, or exercise. I always question myself. I could be dizzy and dry-heaving in a workout and I would look back and wonder if I could have done more, or if there was an excuse somewhere there. The same goes with food and anything related to this path I’m on. (Yes, Norma, I will refrain from using the term “journey” – lol)
Excuses got me to 365 lbs, and I am never, ever going anywhere NEAR there again.
But at what point can you say that you can trust yourself? Such a hard question for me. I am still nervous about it, but not weighing myself is freeing me to focus on my other goals. The numbers on the weights I lift going up, the height on my box jump going up, the strength of my arms, back and chest for a pull-up.
I’ve decided to purchase the book The New Rules of Lifting for WomenI’ve heard really good things about it, and I think it will help me be more consistent with my lifting and progress. I get an awesome workout with weights when I go to Bodyology, but that’s only once a week. I enjoy my Group Power class, but that’s just once a week. I want a plan I can do at home, if needed, or something I can do at the gym without a class. Walking into the free weight section at the gym is a little intimidating, so I really want to know what I am going to do before I get over there – I don’t want to look like an ass. I should be getting my book Friday. I would love to start it ASAP – I still have 20 days till surgery, and I feel like I could only benefit from it, even if I have to stop in the middle for a bit. Then, I would just start from the top again once my doc gives me the go-ahead.
Have any of you out there used the book? I understand there is a"diet" involved in it. I will certainly take a look at the info, but I am getting it for the weight lifting program. I think they probably advocate for clean eating, anyway...I know Dr. PlumPetalshas used it, and has now moved on to using the original. Any thoughts, guys?
snap shot of today’s eats:
Ezekiel bread, PB
black bean soup, sprinkle of feta cheese
Red peppers, hummus
Not sure about dinner yet, but I have been loving my salads. However, I need some more protein, so I’ll have to see what I can cook up to go with it.
Water, water, water
Won’t make it to my Group Power class tonight – it’s Ash Wednesday, and the choir is singing at this evening’s service. I’m fairly sure I can make it to the gym tomorrow after work and before choir practice. I’ll be red and maybe a little sweaty, but hey, they’ll deal.
More snow in the forecast for this evening (just a few inches, I guess) – Thing 1 BETTER have school tomorrow. He hasn’t had it since LAST Thursday. They are also predicting a much heavier snowfall – perhaps even another blizzard, for Sunday into Monday. I give up.
Any of you guys out there have trust issues with YOURSELF like I do?
This past weekend has been really amazing, for many, many reasons.
I’ve made a lot of admissions, to myself, and then out loud to my hubby. And I have made some really important decisions.
I’m throwing my scale away.
Now, before you roll your eyes and assume this is just the fat girl taking over and allowing myself to stay where I am – hear me out.
The stress of reaching a certain weight was NOT motivating me toward my goal. It was pushing me further away. It was leading to the eating of junk and binge mindset. It was leading to the mindset of numbers over health. When I was weighing myself in 4-5 times a day last week, I knew there was something wrong.
Do you ever have thoughts that sit in the back of your mind? Truths – that you ignore? You ignore them because you KNOW if you bring them to the forefront, you will have to deal with them. If you bring them to the forefront, they will be reality, and maybe you aren’t sure how to deal with that – so you leave them there.
This happened with my first fiancé. I got engaged after dating for 4 years. My family despised him. And frankly, the only reason it happened was because it was the logical next step. But, when it happened – the first thought in the back of my mind? “We are never going to get married. You don’t really want this”. But I ignored it for a while. Thankfully, I came to my senses and broke it off. I even sent him the ring back (aren’t I sweet?). I can’t imagine how my life would be today if I has not allowed that truth to come forth.
That’s what happened to me this weekend. I brought forth truths that I have been ignoring.
Sugar and binge food and junk do NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ANYMORE.
I don’t WANT to eat crap to mask whatever it is I ACTUALLY need.
I ate crap on Friday – because that’s what you are SUPPOSED to do in a blizzard, right? It’s the PERFECT excuse! No one would blame you! Just do it! Who cares!
Saturday morning, we got up and we were covered with 3 ft of snow. But no worries – there are snacks in the house! But I stopped a moment. What do I REALLY want for breakfast? Hmmm… oatmeal with blueberries sounded good. I added an egg white to the mix, and some peanut butter. It was very tasty. I started thinking about food, eating… what do I really want here? I started bringing forth some truths – I have been thinking that sugar could be causing, or at least exacerbating, my face breaking out, and the sores I sometimes get in my mouth (strangely enough, usually after a sugar episode). But saying that out loud would mean I would have to take responsibility for it.
Fake sugar gives me the WORST gas ever… I know it does, but I kept it in the back of my mind. If I admitted it, I would have to get rid of it for good.
I dug deeper. I really, really LIKE eating clean. I feel SO GOOD when I eat clean foods, and I eat when I am hungry. I really enjoy cooking meals for me and my family. I love knowing exactly what’s in the food I am eating, and the food I am feeding my children. I mean, you all have heard it before – but it’s really become a lifestyle – just the way we do things now. So, WHY would I not just do it all the time?
Because I am afraid. Or, I WAS afraid.
Afraid of how I would cope without that little part of me that says “it’s ok, just eat the junk today. Tomorrow you’ll be back on track. You won’t gain weight. It will be fine”… the part that spoke these words when I am upset, tired, bored, happy, stressed – whatever. Without that – how would I deal with those other things?
By dealing with them. That is going to be a work in progress. But this weekend, if I felt any inkling – I would stop – ask myself what I was really feeling (boredom reigned supreme, of course) and dealt with it.
Acknowledging all these little thoughts in the back of my head means a lot of work. It means taking responsibility.
We were snowed in until yesterday. I ate clean the whole time. There is junk in the house (well, not anymore, I chucked it last night while cleaning) and I wasn’t even tempted by it. I don’t want it. The stress of being a certain weight by a certain time is gone. I am not weighing myself at all. I am continuing my exercise. I am eating clean, and eating when I am hungry. I am focusing in health goals. NOT WEIGHT GOALS. Pushing myself in workouts, following clean eating principles. Getting to an unassisted pull-up, pushing my dead-lifting, working my core.
I can just FEEL that this is different. I feel so calm about it. There is no “deadline”, there is no “Day # Whatever” There is no “Challenge Mode”. It’s all just normal, everyday clean eating. Eating for fuel. Workout out my body because it feels good.
I woke up with morning and I was stinkin’ starving! Normally, I would wait, come into work, and have my Ezekiel toast with PB. This morning, I made my oatmeal with blueberries and egg white. Very yummy, good fuel and NO temptations to drown the hungry feeling with tons of coffee or who knows what else. I listened. I ate. Felt good. Moved on. My Ezekiel toast and PB became my snack. No obsession. No worries about eating oatmeal and toast in the same day (OH NO!). This kind of thinking would lead me to the “I’ve already screwed it up today, so who cares” thinking.