Thursday, June 30, 2011

Thursday positive commitments - ETA updates

I am writing these commitments in the positive. Attempting to commit to things I "will" do as opposed to what I "will not" do.

Today I Will:

*Eat ONLY the food I have prepared and brought with me to work. (This, in case anyone is wondering, does NOT include M&M's)
*Drink at least 80 oz of water today
*Get up from the wretched desk and walk at every opportunity (at least 4 times today)
*Go to my tuff girl workout (as long as the ankle I turned on the way in here co-operates)
*I will deal with any uncomfortable feelings that surface today with eating to quell them. I will take a deep breath, write, call someone, take a walk...
*I will attempt to remain positive about my life situation.

I realize my last post was a downer. I wish I could say I was feeling better, but right now, I'm not. My awesome mom has offered to buy me another punch card for my Tuff Girl workouts. I hate to take it, but I really need it to keep me moving in the right direction, so I accepted.
My eating yesterday was less than stellar. It started with handfulls of M&M's from my bosses office, and ended with ice cream. No good. I will not let it drag me down into a pattern. I will recover and continue to eat the way I know is good for me... regardless of my mental state.

Ok, this is my edited update:
I have taken 12,258 steps today. Yeah! I have burned about 2900 calories, and taken in 1500 - a 1400 calorie deficit! Woot!
As of 8:52PM, I have done every one of the above objectives. I actually drank 84 oz of water, walked 5 times at work, and went to my KICK ASS Tuff Girl workout. I am currently STILL attempting to remain positive about the way things are right now and I will tell you exactly how I am doing that:
My mother is such a source of relief and perspective for me. She called me up after reading my previous blog, and, in a way only a mommy can, helped me to remember that the way things are now is not forever. Time moves on, and before you know it, things change. And, as I mentioned earlier, has offered to buy me a "punch card" for my workouts... now, if I can only get her to come with me!
While at work today I received an e-mail from a friend, Rachel. We are not terribly close (yet!) but I met her at the awesome leadership seminar I attended a few months ago, have done quite a few workouts at Tuff Girl with her, and she is joining me in the Fit-Bottomed Girl Weight Loss Challenge. She is a lovely, strong woman. I opened this e-mail and literally gasped out loud. This generous, kind soul told me she was moved by my previous blog, inspired by what I was doing, and had consequently purchased me a "punch card" for my beloved Tuff Girl workouts. The workouts that keep me so motivated.
Needless to say, I was without words. I was totally and utterly shocked, a little embarrassed, and beyond grateful. I wrote her back immediately and thanked her profusely. It's not just about the money she put forth, but the thought and care she showed me, even though we still don't know each other that well. I can only hope to repay her somehow in the future.
My hubby also helped me so much today. I sent him a fairly whiney e-mail about how I was never going to make it, I was never going to open my center, it was going to take sooo long, I didn't know what I was doing... blah, blah, blah. So hubby, in his amazing hubby way, e-mailed me back all the reasons it WAS going to work. Not only that, but helped me focus and map out what I really wanted. He's GOOD I tell you! It's a strong, brave man who can deal with me!
Anyway, all of this has shown me that I am so lucky. I am so loved and cared for. I am really, really grateful. I will not let any of you down!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

So stagnant... so defeated

Money Sucks.
Ok, LACK of money sucks.
There are SO many things I want to be doing. I want to become a certified wellness life coach, a bariatric coach, and I found this awesome program through the Nutritional Therapy Association... all cost money. Money I don't have, even though I work 2 jobs. I just wish I could GET ON WITH THIS already. I feel so STAGNANT. I want to doing my own thing. Making my own rules. Being my own boss. But I can't. I'm stuck. I have a good job where 1/2 my paycheck goes to part time daycare for my 2 little Gems. Bills up the wazoo. Besides that, I have no money to do things like keep up with my once weekly Tuff Girl Workouts. My amazing brother bought me my last punch card for my birthday, and I have been enjoying it since then. But, my last class on that card will be Thursday, and I have absolutely no money to get another card. I HATE that. I finally find something that pushes me. That has helped me LOVE pushing my body, and I can't do it because of stupid money.
Is there another way? Another way I can be happy and do what I want to do? Or is that simply not an option for middle class people? Is it my fault that I worked toward something that it ended up I couldn't do for so long? Is it my fault I decided to get married to a wonderful man and have two amazing children? So, that means I can't do anything else with my life?
What am I going to do? It's too much, and not enough. How is that possible?
I have also been having really morbid thoughts lately. I think it's because I am working so much with death. The patients I deal with are many times patients with cancer. It just seems like more than likely, either me or the hubs are going to get really sick at some point. I don't know why I feel like that. I sometimes think that any day now one of us will be diagnosed with cancer, or have a heart attack, or something terrible. Hmmm, maybe I need to up the dose of my Prozac, huh??
There has to be a way to make these changes. I so much want to help people become healthy individuals. I want a pretty office space, which I can use to meet clients, help them develop a program that works for their bodies. Help them begin an exercise routine, refer them to other professionals if they need it (therapist, holistic practitioners) But it seems like there is no way to make it happen, unless I win the lotto. And I don't play lotto. With my money woes, I think the last thing I need to do is waste money on that, since I have no luck.
Sorry this entry is so whiney. I'm feeling very defeated.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Jingle... walk?

walk, walk, walk. walk, walk, walk. Zig zag all the way!
Yes, that is sung to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's sung to Jingle Bells because Thing 1 is STILL singing Jingle Bells. Yes, 6 months later. Sometimes he changes the words: "Jingle poop, Jingle poop" (This is, obviously, hilarious) or "Jingle Mama, Jingle Mama"... you get the picture. But, I digress.
I want to explain to you all what my "zig zag walk" is. It's actually pretty ingenious (if I do say so myself). I am not a person who enjoys the heat, this summer, while not amazingly hot (yet) has been quite stormy, and between the two, have forced my walks inside. I needed to figure out how to get a 20 minute walk in that wasn't going to bore me to tears. Thus, the zig-zag walk was born.
My building is 4 floors. I work in the basement. so, I start at my office and make my way all the way down one hall (the building is quite long, as well) I go up the stairs to the first floor, and walk all the way down to the other end. Walk up to the second floor, etc, etc... all the way up to the 4th floor and back down. Thus, "zig-zagging" my way through the building. I have taken to doing this most days at work on my lunch. It takes about 20 minutes, then I have time to at least make my lunch and begin eating as I start work again. It's over 2500 steps, easy (I should check that) and it keeps me moving at a rather sedentary job.
One thing I was thinking about on my walk today was how I avoid people when I do it. Especially once I get to the point of being red-cheeked and a little sweaty. One day last week, I ran into one of the doctors I work for (Who is SUPER nice, BTW) and I was walking as fast as my feet would go without breaking into a jog. "You're in a hurry!" he said. So, I explained my lunch walk ritual to him.

I felt a little silly. I know I am doing something good for myself, and I shouldn't care if other people wonder why I am walking by their office at least 2 times in a whirlwind. But, I am very used to trying to dissapear. Don't draw attention! "Fatty is trying to exercise! Hilarious!" *sigh* So hard to get out of old mindsets.
On my walk, I also travel by the cafeteria. Twice. With their baked good and french fry smells wafting. People carrying their yummy (yet usually unhealthy) lunches out in droves. I put my head down and make that the quickest leg of my walk. Avoid. temptation. (They have chocolate chip cookies as big as your FACE) It's OK... I'm alright.
Anyway. It's Monday. Food is going very well (small handful of M&M's, that I logged and will simply make part of my calorie intake today). Going to a Bootcamp tonight WOOHOO! I need a good ASS kicking!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

just a short update

Sooooo tired this evening. I should already be in bed, but the hubs is out for a walk, so I am waiting up for him. Besides, we put up a few baby items on free-cycle, and someone is coming to get them (2 hours late, mind you. *sigh*) I still have to shower from my sweaty, uphill run (YESSSSS!!!) so, bed won't be happening for at least another hour. Last night, Thing 2 was up for hours crying and crying because he is teething. So, needless to say, the hubs and I are exhausted. We still needed to get in our exercise, and we both did!
I REALLY wanted to go to my Tuff Girl workout this morning, but, in hour 2 of the screaming jag last night, I knew this morning wasn't going to happen. I did NOT want to "phone it in". Like I said in my last entry - it has to be WORTH it, otherwise, it simply doesn't count to me!
Eating is going very well. Grocery shopped this morning and filled the cart with plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meats, low fat cheeses... good stuff! Staying away from the junk. Feeling so good about it. Usually being super tired would lead me right to the crap - but NO. The hubs hinted today at having some "junky food thoughts" but quickly followed it by saying "but I'm smacking them down!" Yea Hubby!!
Weekend already half over... church and teaching tomorrow until 1... after that, I don't know. Maybe some *gasp* free time??? I'm sure something will suck up all the free time.
Ugh, Ok. I can't even write anymore I'm so tired. Night all - till next time!

Friday, June 24, 2011

it has to be WORTH IT

2 sick kiddies, 2 days "off" of work to care for each of them. However, this has been a great week. I'm down another 2 lbs and I am officially at my lowest adult weight EVER. 208. I briefly saw the scale say 206 once, but I think it was after a stomach bug, so that totally doesn't count! Anyway... I was thinking of a longer term challenge. I found this great list of advanced workout DVD's, posted at Fit-Bottomed Girls and I think my long term goal is to go through all 10. I've grown accustomed to working out at home (*sigh* - Gym membership) but it's hard to determine from a mere description how difficult a workout is going to be. I don't want to waste my time doing something where I am not going to work my ass off. I mean, if I have 45 minutes in my day to workout, it needs to be WORTH IT.

I was very proud of myself on the days I was home with the boys. It was the perfect scenerio for an eating free-for-all. But, I stuck with what I would have eaten if I had gone to work. One day, I was SO hungry. I just ate when I was hungry and tried to make it as balanced as possible, and I felt good about my choices.
Feeling tired, but strong and confident in what I am doing. Kick-ass Tuff Girl workout in the AM, teaching and rehearsals all weekend - and then it starts all over... I sometimes feel like a hamster running on a wheel.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Breath in.... Breath out...

So, Tuesday has come and is on it's way to being gone. June 21, the longest day of the year. I was home today with a sick Thing 1 - although, thank God for antibiotics, he's already feeling MUCH better. I realize I sounded like a really whiney Mc-Whinerson yesterday. I am really grateful for my job and most of the time I am proud of what I do. But, I don't have a very thick skin for people being mean to me when all I am trying to do is help them. *sigh*. I wonder if that thicker skin will start to develop as I am there a little while...
The stress of yesterday, coupled with the sick one, and with some serious financial strain resulted in some off plan eating. I had a run-in with an ice cream bar (ok, 2) last night and I really regretted it - for about 2 minutes - Then I told myself "Suck it up, Buttercup! MOVE ON". That REALLY helped me feel back in total control today. I ate really well, I did one session of cardio and took a little walk, and I am thinking of doing some more stretching (maybe some yoga?) tonight. I feel like I am cleansing myself of my indiscretions, but don't start getting worried that I'm obsessing - perhaps borderline, but not quite over the line!
I feel better now that I was home a day and could take control of caring for Thing 1 (why, no, I'm not a control freak, WHAT would give you THAT idea??)Got some house work done and a really good workout. I have mentioned before that I DO NOT like Jillian Michaels. However, her Metabolism Booster cardio workout is hardcore, but she is actually supportive throughout - giving modifications for those just starting out. The last time I did the workout, I didn't finish it, but I did today and WOW what a burn. It was really great. Sweat, baby, sweat!
My heel is bothering me. I'm trying to ignore it. I'm doing the stretches and rubbing it out a lot. Sometimes it feels ok once I am on it, and sometimes...not so much. I still have to get fitted for shoes, but that's not happening until at LEAST this weekend... if not for another few weeks...
Well, that's my fairly boring update. I feel in charge, in control and strong. I'm going to get through this stress without taking it out on my body and health.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Mondays (sometimes) suck

I am putting it out to God and the Universe and everyone else - PLEASE let this be an ok day. I have already been yelled and been spoken to very rudely by 2 people. It's only 10:00. I can't do this today. I am exhausted from no sleep last night because Josh was up and down so much we finally just put him in our bed. So, HE slept, and WE didn't. Now he's home with a high fever. Hubby is home with him and bringing him to the Pedi at 2:30. I HATE being at work when he is home so sick. I am used to being the one home taking care of my little guys... It makes me really sad.
I am praying this day goes quickly and without big issues. I want to get home to my baby. I will probably have to take tomorrow off, because he certainly can't go to school with a fever. The rules are he needs to be fever free for 24 hours before returning to school. So, tomorrow is already out. *sigh*
I don't want to be here. (but, yes, I am very grateful to have a job)
I once again didn't bring quite enough food for the day. We couldn't grocery shop this weekend because of money constraints, so we have to make due with what we have till Thursday.
Mondays suck.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

It's a lifestyle – train like there's no finish line

It's a lifestyle – train like there's no finish line

I read this quote today and I LOVED it. I've been reading about a lot of people "dieting" recently who just want to lose weight as fast as possible by seriously restricting their food intake. Now, OBVIOUSLY the actual act of losing weight is about eating less, moving more. It's math folks. Less calories in than you expel. Do things sometimes get in the way? Yes. Do we get in our OWN way? Oh, HELL yes. In the end WE are responsible for our OWN actions. Can't place blame on others. But, I digress....
So, I see people losing lots of weight on crash/seriously restricted diets. They are miserable. Is losing weight fun? Oh LORD no. But, I truly feel if it becomes your LIFESTYLE (not just a punishment you are inflicting on yourself) it's not quite AS bad. I am really enjoying my exercising, and I am enjoying the way I eat - which is enough calories to keep me satisfied, and is very balanced with fruits, veggies, protein, dairy and fiber-filled grains. but I burn WAY more than I consume,(1000-1500 calories per day more) thus, weight loss ensues. Do I stall out sometimes? Yup. Everyone is going to - even on those seriously restricted plans. I guess what I am getting at is - this is the way life is going to be for me from now on. I will get to my goal weight with lots of hard work, meticulous food planning and saying NO to extra sugar and fat and all that garbage. No, it's really NOT easy sometimes to say no (like today, at my in-laws they had a chocolate cream pie. Did I want some? Of course! Did I eat some? NO!)But, I would NEVER get to my goal with a plan that was so restricted that I was hungry all the time and totally miserable. Maybe it's just me, but being hungry makes me a crabby-ass, and it's not the way I want to feel through this whole journey.
There is no finish line - You don't get down to your goal weight and then say "Ok! I did it! I'm all done now!" If you haven't learned to eat like a normal person (not and obese person, and not a restricted diet person) You have learned nothing and you will gain weight back. Thus, the yo-yo dieting will ensue. Which, studies have shown is actually MORE unhealthy for you than just being plain old overweight. Who knew?
I'm not saying my way is "The Way". It's merely "The Way" for me. I work out hard, I eat good, healthy food and I am losing weight. I got a great tool to help me start out my journey - the Bypass surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself. At 365 lbs, I didn't understand what a healthy lifestyle was. I needed a clean slate, and the bypass gave that to me. But now, at 3 years post op, I am eating much more "normally". I had to make changes from being a new post-op, to being a pregnant post-op, to now being someone who can eat whatever they want. I adapted. I am working hard - and I am changing for the better. Feels good.
I have fallen down. But I pick myself back up and move on. Sometimes I have been beaten - but I will not BE beaten. This war is all mine.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Serious Victory

Good weekend, blog-land
So, this morning I had an amazing hardcore workout at Tuff Girl Fitness and on the way home I was plagued with sugary evil thoughts. I suddenly thought of my favorite cupcake store of all time - Sugar in East Haven, CT. They actually WON Cupcake Wars on Food Network. Seriously good. Anyway, these cupcakes popped into my head. I thought to myself - "You're just hungry after your workout. Go home, have breakfast, and stop thinking about f'in cupcakes". So, home I went. Eat my breakfast, and couldn't get these dang things out of my head. I shared my thoughts with Hubs, and he was ALL for a little cupcake cheat... So, what can I say - we went to Sugar. Yes. Walked in that door and the first thing that hit me was the smell. Oh, sugary yummyness. I mean, this is my drug of choice here, people. Then, I saw two very overweight ladies walking out of the shop loaded down with goodies... This gave me pause. When I notice an overweight person, my heart goes out to them, because I know how they feel - BUT, I also don't want to BE that person again. Ok, so, in the shop. They must have 25 different flavors of cupcakes. So, I look over each one, in my mind looking for one that will pop out as the perfect little cheat. I looked, and looked, and looked. And the most amazing thing happened.
Nothing "popped".
I'm thinking I just have to look harder. These are so good, there HAS to be one that I want.
I keep looking.
Finally, I make the realization that I DON'T WANT ONE.
Yes, that's right. I don't want a cupcake. It wasn't worth the calories to me. Certainly not if I only kinda felt "meh" about them.

So, I tell the hubs, with trepidation, because I don't want to ruin the cupcakes for him. He looks at me and says "you know, what? I was kinda thinking the same thing"
And we walked out of Sugar Cupcake Bakery with nothing in hand.
To those who have never struggled with food addition, or any addiction - this may seem like no big deal to you. But it is a HUGE deal for someone who struggles with addiction to sugar.
This is one HUGE moment that I realize I am really changing my life.
On another note, I have had almost no caffeine today. I am out of my Click and I refuse to go to Starbucks (um, did I just say that??) So, headache and general bitchiness is ensuing. Poor Hubs.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

off topic... or is it?

I guess this is really off topic for a weightloss/career change blog, but hey, it's my blog and I'll babble if I want to.
I am starting to really dislike my job. I am getting screamed at by patients. Today, so far, I was called stupid, and sworn at - by two different people.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe they are right. I mean, ok, I don't have a self-loathing thing going on here, but maybe I just not good at this job.
I'm feeling pretty low right now, even in light of my additional weightloss (yes, I am down to 210 right now). It's probably the browbeating I've gotten today, but I am just very emotional.
This is the very kind of day that would drive me to eat junk. On top of which, I am going to my weekly meeting where there is always junk food to eat. I kept a banana - but I'm so hungry, I think I will end up eating it before.
I will NOT eat at this meeting
I will NOT eat at this meeting
I will NOT eat at this meeting
I will NOT eat at this meeting
I will NOT eat at this meeting

Feeling kinda lost. Feeling unsure about my future in regards to career. I just feel... without direction. Maybe because I am not taking classes this summer? I don't know...
Bummed. Hoping I can gather the energy to do my spin class tonight - AND I hope, with all the traffic, I get there on time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Plantar fasc...whatever

I have been diagnosed with Plantar Fasciitis... inflamation of the plantar fascia - or the tissue on the bottom of the foot. The tissue attaches in the middle of the heal, and there are lots of reasons it can become inflamed and hurt like a bitch. I have been ignoring it, as it was on and off, but yesterday got up out of bed and could hardly walk. I limped around at work all day til I found a podiatrist with an opening in the afternoon. She was super nice. I got inserts, and I need to get fitted for sneakers (which I wanted to do anyway). She said I have very flat feet - no arch at all. And after I told her about my physical activity, she simply nodded and said "THAT'S why!".
So, She gave me stretching exercises to do, and along with the inserts, it feels a little better. I have been ordered however, to do NO cardio that involves stress on the heal - which, is pretty much all the cardio I do.

So, after freaking out a little, I decided to go to a Spinning class this evening for my daily sweat. Spinning is HARD. I usually PRAY for the end of class... and while that's good, I think that's why I haven't done it in a while. Inevitably, I ask myself in the middle of class - "WHY did I decide to do this??" It seems (assuming that it's not too much stretch/pressure on the heal) that this may be my only really feasible option. I signed up for class tonight, and tomorrow night - now, THAT might be a little crazy. We shall see.
I don't want this to de-rail what I have been doing. I am really proud of my accomplishments, especially in the eating department. I feel like I have gotten through quite a few moments when it would have been easy, REALLY easy, to break down and pig out on junk. The hubs and I are keeping each other in line.
An update on the hubs - he's been offered a role in a musical that he has ALWAYS wanted to play. I am SO excited for him, and SUPER proud of him. It's good motivation for him to stick to the plan, because he has till October, and wants to feel good walking on that stage. I want him to feel good too. Hooray for hubby!
Speaking of Hooray - now, when we say "Hooray!" to Thing 2 - he squeals and claps his hands. It's ridiculously adorable. I'm such a lucky mama!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Don't Quit

Well, nothing much to complain about, amazingly enough! So, just an update on things.
The eating is going really well. I am very proud of myself and my hubs for eating really healthy, balanced meals, drinking tons of water - almost NO Starbucks (Just one!) And exercise? FAB. The only day I didn't do a structured workout was yesterday. I'm IMPRESSED with me!
I got into a little car accident today on the way home from work. A woman backed right into me - not hurt, very little damage to the car. Just annoyance and a little shaken up. I do have a pretty big headache, but right now I am blaming that on the stress of the evening - and I STILL did my hardcore cardio workout. I REALLY wanted to stop a few times. I was super close - but I didn't. I stuck it out and powered through. THAT is when change happens. Change is happening. I am MAKING IT HAPPEN.

If you are reading this and you are in a slump - DON'T QUIT. KEEP TRYING. You CAN do it!! I may not be where I want to be today, but I am closer than I was yesterday. And everyday I will KEEP moving closer to being my strongest, fittest, healthiest, happiest self.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


YES! FINALLY! The scale HAS MOVED! And not just a little - 5 lbs. The 5 damn pounds I've been waiting for for 2 weeks. THAT'S what I'm talking about!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

I KNEW I was doing things right. Counting every calorie, exercising every day - setting FIRE to my FAT cells! And finally, the scale has shown me my work. YESSSSS.....
213 this morning. Only a matter of time till I'm in ONEderland! ONEderland is what I feel like I have been striving for this whole journey... all 150 lbs so far. My goal is 180 (probably lower, but for now)180 accompanied with the 20 lbs of skin I have hanging off me taken off - brings me to about 160 - I mean, holy shit. I haven't been 160 since, like elementary school! AND if, I get to 160, I will have officially lost 205 lbs. That is a grown freakin' man, people!
Whew - ok. Now that that is out, down to business. I had a super amazing hardcore workout this morning at Bodyology/Tuff Girl Fitness in Hamden. I seriously work to my absolute max everytime I am there - I can't HELP it. I get to the point where I am on the verge of being dizzy, then I know to back off and I rest a minute. Then, I do it again.
Anyway, I needed to share the triumph. I almost had an unfortunate run in with Starbucks today. We went on a family trip to Target, and I told Thing 1 I would get him a milk treat when we got there. Well, his milk is at the Starbucks at target. I stood in line, and started getting that craving for a nice, warm mocha (it's really chilly here, today) and THEN I saw they had dark chocolate graham cracker cookies. I knew I couldn't handle it. I asked my hubby to stand in line with Thing 1 to get his milk, and I wheeled Thing 2 over to another isle. Crisis averted.
Now, would a tall non fat mocha have undone my day? No. HOWEVER, it's simple too slippery a slope for me. I have one, I want another and another...and on and on. The more quickly I realize there are some things I just cannot have, the better off I'm going to be.
Today, I made great choices to improve my health. Have you made good choices today? What have you done today to improve your health?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Why am I writing? I don't have anything to say!
I am unbelievably tired today. Last night, we had amazing thunderstorms come crashing through our area. Hubs and I were up immediatly, and I waited for the running footsteps of Thing 1 - but never did! BOTH Thing 1 and Thing 2 slept right through it. I was TOTALLY amazed.
Pushed myself to walk to the office instead of taking the shuttle, and to do my "zig-zag" walk at lunch. It's going to be about 100 degrees here with the humidity, so I am seriously considering taking the shuttle BACK to my car at 5:00... then the voices in my head start fighting:
"Don't be lazy - just walk it"
"No, take the shuttle, what if you get heat stroke??"
"Highly doubtful, fatty. Get over yourself and get some exercise"
"You are already exhausted, why not just for today get a ride?"

I'll tell you why - because today turns into tomorrow and that turns into all summer long. Heat is an excellent excuse. Maybe it's even true- when you are 365 lbs - which I am not anymore.
So, food has been very good today - keeping on track even though emotionally I want to eat to comfort. The hubs is doing so well, too. I am so proud of him.
The plastic surgery appointment went *ok*. Insurance will likely cover my tummy tuck, but of course won't cover my arms. The quote for my arms was more than I thought it would be, and I am really down about that. I did figure out a few things though:
I want to lose at LEAST 30 more lbs before I even THINK about the tummy tuck.
I need to wait and accumulate time off of work, of which I currently have NONE.
I need the opportunity to at least TRY and save some money to get my arms done...I mean, I have WINGS, people!
So, anyway. That's all I have to say for now, OH except:

I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today
I WILL NOT eat at my meeting today

That is all.

ETA: I did NOT eat at my meeting (score) and I walked to my car (score) -
Kel the Fit - 2
Old Fat Girl - 0

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Self Care

As someone who spent a long time wallowing in my binge eating disorder and being really overweight, I have found I have a very skewed view of what "self-care" is. To me, at first thought, self-care is doing what makes you happy. And if you had asked the old me what made me happy, it was food. It was laying on the couch, with pizza and ice cream, soda and chocolate, eating away. And it DID make me happy - for those few, very fleeting moments. That, however, is NOT self care. Self care is the big picture - the overall life satisfaction. Ask the old me about life satisfaction? I think you know what my answer would have been - I was miserable.
Now, dealing with self care is a very different scenario. It means sometimes pushing myself to do things I don't feel like doing, to benefit me in the big picture - in my life as a whole. So, I exercise when I'm tired. I portion out food and plan ahead. I say no to extra, empty calories. I do it for weight loss, and for fitness. To be strong, healthy. These things make me happy everyday. Being fat made me miserable everyday. Seems simple, right?
But, I'll tell you. When things aren't working the way they are supposed to, it is extremely frustrating. But, even though my weight has not budged, I am not going to bail. I am not going to stray from my plan. I have to stick with my true self care.

That will include cardio tonight, even though I'm tired. It included a big salad for dinner, instead of something that will make me feel sick and guilty. It must begin to include not obsessively weighing myself and allowing it to effect me day, or longer. It's getting a little better - but I may ask the hubs to hide the scale. I've done this before, and it was just what I needed to break the habit of stepping on it everytime I am near it (yes, everytime - this could equal 3-4 per day)
So, I ask myself - what does Self Care really mean to me?
- eating healthy, yummy food when I am hungry
- moving my body in structured exercise and in everyday life
- getting rest
- spending time with my wonderful family, especially my boys
- church
- feeling secure and safe
- keeping my living area tidy and more serene (need to work on this one!)
- feeling productive, and like I am doing something worth something with my life

These are just some things I was thinking of. Notice, no where on that list, is there chocolate or ice cream. Hm. Go figure.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

little update, frustrations...

The past few weeks have been going really well. I feel like I am on an up-swing. My exercise has been GREAT - 5-6 days a week of cardio or strength training or both. Eating, going really well. Everyday I consistently have a 1000 calorie deficit. Logic (and math) would tell you that if a 3500 calorie deficit equals 1 lb lost, and in 1 week, I have a 7000 calorie deficit (hang in there with me) that these numbers would equal a 2 lbs loss.
And yet, I have not budged.
Well, that's not true, I have oscillated within .6 lbs.
Ok... so I am trying to tell myself that I am doing all the right things. I am not only working out, but I am getting in my 10,000 steps per day - in addition! The food I am eating is balanced and I am eating when I am hungry and not when I am bored, etc. I am drinking TONS of water! So, what gives, body?
I know that continuing down this path is the only option. I will never go back. But, I am in a frustrating holding pattern here.
I have an appointment today with a plastic surgeon that specializes in patients who have lost large amounts of weight. I have been told my by doctor that I have at least 20 lbs of skin hanging around that could/should be removed. I'm nervous about this appointment for many reasons... None of which I want to go into now, but will update on later.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

oddly triumphant

Weekends are always tough. This morning I started out with an AMAZING Tuff Girl workout, and got to work out with a FAB partner, Cari. She is more fit than I, and I felt really accomplished that I could even keep up. But I did. I really did. I felt great, and we were a good cheering section for each other.
When I got home, I felt like I hit a wall. I was exhausted, and my allergies were (are) worse then they have ever been. I had a good, healthy breakfast and soon we had to be on our way to a birthday party (with a stop on the way) and my mothers house after. Full afternoon. I grabbed some almonds and a Vitatop on the way out the door, but I should have prepared more. Thank goodness there were veggies at the party, so hubs and I snacked on those while Thing 1 scarfed down some mac and cheese... we bypassed all the party grub, and I was feeling hungry... almonds already gone, I shared my vitatop with the hubs. Finally, we head to my moms, get some work done there. By the time we took out food to eat, I was past hungry into the nauseous stage. So, I ate. A lot. Not bad stuff, but I ate more than I should of - hummus and crackers to start, then, a cheeseburger on a regular ol' white bun, and some salad (which is actually amazingly delish and I will share it soon). When I came home and tallied it all up - I had exceed my calories for the day... this is where logging my food SOMETIMES causes me trouble. I see that I have exceeded my calories (and yes, I see that I still BURNED more calories than I ate!) and I start to say to myself "just screw it - eat whatever. You've already screwed up for the day"... oh that inner fat girl loves to taunt me with her black and white thinking. I thank GOD for my husband, who, when I exclaimed that I NEEDED (note, not WANTED; NEEDED) ice cream, gently redirected my thought process. He's amazing like that.
I had to just sit with the feelings I was experiencing. I felt anxious, angry, depressed... all because why? Because I went over my freakin calories for the day by 400. Ok, there was more to it - it was that in combo with not feeling well and being super tired - and they all aligned perfectly for a binge.
With the help of my husband, I was able to get through the worst of it and realize that I would feel a HELL of a lot worse if I had gone with that instinct and eaten. In the end, when I cleared my head, I realized that I am STILL in a deficit, I made good choices today, and I have to plan a little better for super busy days. I got in a great workout, and I made a good choice for my body to not fill it with garbage.
So, I'm achy, itchy and tired. I'm off to do my 100 crunches and then going in for a hot shower and to bed. Can't wait to hit that pillow.
I am praying that I can begin "regrouping" more and more easily and quickly when my emotions run away with me and I feel the urge to stuff them down with food. Until then, I am so grateful to have my husband - he is such an amazing support for me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


"Don't let worn out beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself"

I've been thinking a lot about this quote today. What kind of "worn out beliefs" so I hold on to that keep me from progressing?
Once I took a few moments to reflect on it - I realized a big belief I have, deep down inside is "I can't". I can't lose weight, I can't exercise, I can't figure out my time management, I can't keep it together... I can't can't can't.
What would happen if I could turn all those can't around? What if, like Ms. Ex Yo-Yo Dieter
even if I didn't really believe totally, I could "fake it till I make it"? (GO read her post, it's really incredible). I think, if I could even just begin to turn SOME of those "can't" into "cans"... life could become... I don't know. Different, I guess. Better. Brighter.
The truth is, the only person telling me I "can't" - is me. Don't you hate it when you turn out to be your own worst enemy??
What kind of worn out beliefs are you still holding on to? Can you imagine your life if you could let them go and replace them with new, positive ideas? How would your life be different?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Suck it up, buttercup... or, my grateful post

Eating - good
workout - strength training, 100 crunches, Wii Dance 2, and "baby dance party"
FitBit - LOVING it!
I realize I've been doing a lot of bitchin' lately. I mean, that's partially what blogging is for - to vent feelings, find people who are like-minded and can understand where you are coming from. For today, I am going to talk about all the things I am grateful for. I am a seriously lucky lady.
1. My husband is the most supportive, kindest, most loving man I have ever known. I thank God everyday for him
2. My children are gorgeous, healthy, bright, sweet, funny, joyful, loving... I could go on and on. They are my whole world and my reason for life.
3. My big, beautiful family. My mother, who is my best friend, my brother, his amazing wife and gorgeous son, my dad and step-mother, my cousins, who are like siblings, all the sweet beautiful children, aunts, and extended family. I am so loved and surrounded my comfort in my family
4. My job - I have one! Enough said!
5. My health - I CAN exercise! I CAN be active! I am VERY healthy! SOO LUCKY!
6. My weight loss surgery - I truly don't think I would be here without my "tool".
7. My home
8. The ability for my husband and I to provide food for ourselves and our children, and the ability to pay bills.

I mean, really, I could go on and on. I have SO much. I know there are people out there struggling and my heart goes out to them.
Yes, I am lucky, and yes I am grateful.
Now, don't go thinkin' there isn't going to be any more bitchin' on this blog - 'cause Lord knows there will be - but, I will try to have more balance.
Peace and grateful-ness to you all