Monday, February 28, 2011


I am sitting at work, freaking out about my first real test since I won't say when. *sigh* I feel like I know nothing. I have no idea what the test is going to look like, how in depth she expects us to go...
For those of you who know me, you know I am not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. I am a planner. The unknown makes me very anxious and nervous. But, let's face it - isn't life unknown? We can plan as much as we want, but in the end, you never know what's around the corner. We cannot let what we do not know paralize us. You aren't living if you are scared all the time.
Speaking of scared... I went for my first outdoor run this past weekend. I have been avoiding it, because our complex is like one big circular hill. Time was not on my side, so I couldn't waste it running to the gym. So, I took to the cold air. Because I didn't have a pedometer, I decided to track myself by time. I would run/ealk for 45 minutes.Whatever it ended up being, distance wise - so be it.
It felt pretty good to be outseide. I am used to hiding inside because of my size, which is obviously diminishing, but I also am the irish girl who gets a beet-red face with any kind of exhertion. And people are not shy about staring. I put it out of my mind, and kept my thoughts on my ipod selections and not running on ice patches.
I tried running up hill, but at points, I had to stop and walk. I kept up a good pace, even walking, and I could certainly tell I had gotten a good workout when I was done. It turns out I ran/walked just about 3.1 - my 5K. Seeing that the only walking I did was up pretty steep hills, and that it took me under 45 minutes, I was impressed with myself.
Last night I broke out a new DVD - Billy Blanks Ti Bo Cardio Inferno. It was pretty great. Totally feeling the burn, and once I get used to whats coming next, it will be easier to keep up my pace. PLUS I finally picked up some 8 lb weights. I've been needing to up my weights for a while. Over all, a great workout weekend.
I started out this blog freaking out about the unknown and explaining that I am scared of what I don't know. And yet, this weekend, I attempted 2 different physical activities I had not done. Seems like I am a walking contradiction! Eh, such is life.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Tuesdays are specifically stressful, because Josh goes to Daycare, and Sam goes to Grandmas, which means out of the house by 6:30, latest, and momma driving around for an hour and a half, hoping to get to work on time. There is no class Tuesday evening, so tonight I went to the gym right from work. By the time I got home, my Sammy-Bear was in bed. I saw him for a total of an hour today. Tomorrow night is class, so it will be more of the same. At what point does this become bad parenting? At what point do you need to choose? I guess, tonight, I chose the gym over spending time with my baby. Wow, that sounds really selfish... but is it? I really don't know.
Something else I was pondering as I was leaving the gym - how do you know when you have pushed yourself hard enough? How do you know if you let your mental barriers get in the way, or if your body is really not ready for something? I don't know. I went to the gym today with the intent of running my 5K. Getting on the treadmill, I was actually nervous. Why?? Because I am scared I can't run the full 5K still. I pushed as hard as I thought I could, but in the end, I did not run the whole thing. I took two walk breaks. I've registered for 2 5k's in the next 6 weeks. I thought this would be motivating, and instead, I am feeling extremely intimidated. I think about that 3.1 miles and it's daunting. Am I doing something wrong? Am I putting too much pressure on myself, or not pushing hard enough, I really, truly don't know.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.. it's off to work I go...

It's Friday, 2:00. I am working. Ok, I am blogging, but I am at work and I have been working all day. All week, actually. My first full week back to work. It went quickly. Quickly in the holy-crap-their-are-not-enough-hours-in-the-day way. Kids at Grandma's, kids at daycare (scary!)... who's going where? what time? what do they need? *Ack!!*
I'm trying desperately to adjust to the new schedule, but I walk into my mess of a house and I groan. I leave here at night and go to 3 hour classes, and I am exhausted. I drop off my tiny baby boy to daycare, and I cry. Why am I doing this again?
Ohh, yes. For me.
Wait... it's already starting to sound selfish. I walk into the house in the evening, and I have 1 hr with my little Sammy till his bedtime, and then 45 min-1 hr with my big boy Josh till his. It's very different from the way things used to be. I miss them. A lot. I can handle it, but how are they coping? Only time will tell.
I'm doing this FOR them. So we can buy a house with a yard to play in. So they can have security with BOTH parents. And so I can move into a career I am passionate about. Doing that will make me happy. Being happy is contagious - so therefore it will make them happy, right? Or I am really stretching here?
My workout schedule is a mess right now - Mondays and Wednesdays are out of the question. I am going from 5:30 am to 8:30 pm when I finally walk in my front door. The other evenings are hard, unless I do all home workouts after they go to bed... I suppose I could go to the gym once they are in bed, but usually there are so many other things to do (prepping for the next day, eating dinner, etc) that home workouts are the only option. I went Monday-Wednesday this week without a workout at all. Yesterday I got a nice sweat session in and I felt SO much better. I have to figure this out so that they are more regular again... Figuring things out is tiring. LOL
My eating has been *ok*. Mostly eating clean, with a few exceptions. Now, I don't mind exceptions...however, when they are brought on by emotions, like stress or depression, I worry. It's one thing to just make a choice to eat something because you want it. But, when you feel like you *need* it because you are stressed - well, that's unhealthy. I think it's something I will always be working on.
Down 150 total, folks. In 30 more, I will be at my goal, and I will be calling my plastic surgeon. That's right - this body is going to get fine tuned. Hey, when you've been in the upper 300's for a good portion of time, your skin just isn’t going to go back to where it was, no matter how much strength training you do!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

New Job

SO excited to finally be able to say that I got the job I have been waiting for! I start on Monday with orientation and Tuesday right to work at the office. It's exciting, and nerve wracking all at once. It leaves a lot less time to spend with my little ones, especially when I am in class two nights a week as well. But, as my very wise mother often says - "things won't always be this way. Things are always changing." And she is so right.
I have been hired as a casual, and I was told y my supervisor that it was just to "get me in the door faster". I told her point blank I could not stay a casual. I need paid time off, I need the tuition reimbursement benefit, and I need a place to park. I get none of this as a casual. But, I will do what I have to in order to get going.
Today specifically marks a sad day for my family. It's my cousin Brian's birthday. A life cut so tragically short. Our family still has no real answers. I think we have come to peace with it in our own way. "Peace" being a very subjective term. I love you Brian, and I know you and Mima and the rest of the Powers Clan are looking down on us.
Classes going well... I finally had my communications class for the first time this past week because of snow, and the professor is very funny.
My gym has now brought Zumba in, and I am very excited. I can't wait to find time to take a class... lol, however, I don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. Anthony was cast in a show and his rehearsals are Tues, Thurs and Friday nights, while I am in class Monday and Wednesday. Hm. When am I going to see my husband, you ask? At 5 AM when we have to be up and getting ready to leave for work. Good times. *sigh* All together now: "Things won't always be this way!" (Thanks, Mom)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Inspired by another blogger ( I wanted to write a little something about honesty. Or rather, dishonesty. There are many weight-loss blogs out there. People losing weight, or trying to, and blogging on their successes and failures. *Some* out there, however, are not honest in their postings. My only questions is: Why? Who are you fooling? Who are you hurting? Only yourself. Just because you don't write it down, doesn't mean it didn't go into your body. People have to learn to just own up to their choices. For instance, I chose to eat a cupcake this evening! No one MADE me - I certainly could have NOT eaten it. But I did, I documented it on MyPlate (yes, I enter EVERYTHING I put in my mouth!). What would be the point of lying to my online food guide? Um, I still ate it! The calories are STILL there! OWN IT.
My guess would be that some out there don't want to disclose their indiscretions to the internet at large. Well, then, don't blog. Or at least, don't make your blog all about your eating and weight loss. People look to you for advise, inspiration and they also need to know you are human. We all have our moments where maybe we make a choice that wasn't the best. We need to move on from that and not dwell. Every moment is a new moment to make a good choice. I DID eat a cupcake - and then I had a big green salad for dinner. I moved on.
I dunno, maybe this post doesn't have a real point. I just feel as though we ALL need to start being honest - with OURSELVES.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Getting back on the wagon

Everyone has had the experience of "falling off the wagon" whether it's with food, exercise, or anything else that requires discipline and focus. The last few days, I haven't been eating clean. I have fallen off my proverbial wagon. However, I feel really good about getting back ON that wagon. There was, however, things I didn't sacrifice. I went to an amazing sweat session at Bodyology ( yesterday - worked my TAIL off, and actually strained a calf muscle (opposite leg as the last time) and even though I wasn't eating clean, I kept portions is very good order. This morning, since, even though my calf is feeling pretty good, I am going to a spinning class instead of running. Spinning is much less stress on this type of strain, but will be a seriously good workout.
I think the point I am trying to make is this: no one is perfect. Everyone has off days where we don't do the things we know we should to take care of our bodies. However, when you have good habits in place, things don't go as awry as they COULD, and it's easier to get moving in the right direction again.
Having an off eating day? Don't let it get out of control. Get out for a walk, get to the gym for a great workout. You WILL feel better. I know I will.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

There are those days

All this snow and ice are starting to get me down. It's tough to get to the gym - I really don't want to bring the kids out in such poor weather, so I am forced to workout at home. I tried a new video today, and it was pretty good. Hardcore intervals, all strength training. So, I'm going to do a little cardio later as well.
Sometimes eating well makes me angry. Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but, sometimes I still wonder why some people have to work so hard to get where they want to be, and it seems to be so easy for others. This thought, however, reminds me of a great quote: "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great" (A League of Their Own)
Yeah, yeah, I know.... and in reality, the hard work is all worth it. I'M worth it.
Financially, things are getting very bad. Still no word on the job, my student loans are going into default and into collections. It's very, very bad. I have no recourse, and I don't know what's coming next. The absolute worst part is that my mom is my co-signer, and I am terrified they are going to go after her. I don't know what to do. I really didn't think that this job, that supposedly was "mine" would take so long to go through.
School is good - I love my nutrition class and I am soaking it all in. I know this is where I am supposed to be, I just wish it wasn't at my families expense. If anyone has any bright ideas, please feel free to share.