December Blues

December Blues

I feel like Charlie Brown. I don’t know that I will even publish this post.

Part of the reason I haven’t been posting is because my work computer won’t load blogger anymore. In order to post this, I type it in Word, send it to myself via e-mail, open up my kindle, get the e-mail, copy and paste it into blogger, erase extraneous strange things that paste along with it (coming from my work e-mail) and hope I have enough Wi-Fi power to actually post it from my kindle.

Why can’t I just do this from home? Well, you know. Once I leave here for the day, the last thing I have any time to do is something like blog. When I do have time, it’s at night time, and frankly, my bed is more important.

But here I am today, because I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t read anyone’s blog at all (sorry!) so I have no idea what’s going on with all of you, either.

I’ve been lifting heavy (PR’s right now: 225 dead-lift, 105 bench press and 155 back squat). My beloved training studio is now changing the format of things. Of course, I’ll stay the course and check it out. I hope I love it as much as I have loved it for the time I have been there. When I walk into the studio, I can forget everything else. It’s the only time.

Truth is I’ve been quite down. Not really having to do with eating or training… but mostly work related. My job is changing; my place in the office is changing (being moved to the shittiest place to be in the office. Because my co-worker and I are obviously the least important people here, so we get relegated to the back corner. Literally, sitting in a hallway.); and frankly, this job is getting really weary. You see people come in, you work with them, and they die. Seriously. More of my patients are dying than getting transplanted, and it’s painful.

This time of year should be magical and special. I’m trying my hardest to make it that way for my boys, and I really think its working. I guess I miss the magic. *cue the music: “Where are you, Christmas?”*

The business of life takes its toll. I always think things are going to get better, a little more breathing room, in between semesters. But it never works that way. There is always something to take the place of that time. How does that happen? I don’t know.

I know. I’m not very Merry. Well, that’s life, I guess. I don’t feel merry, so I’m not going to pretend I am. No reason to save face in front of all 85 of you who follow me.

Tomorrow is hubby’s 40th birthday. He and I went to a concert and dinner at the beginning of the month, but I still feel bad that there is nothing for him to open. Now I’m starting to think I should have planned a party, or something… but I don’t know when we would have had it. We are running the church’s Christmas Pageant, and we will be in church for it all day tomorrow. I ordered a cake and balloons and I will bring them out at the end of rehearsal so all the kids can sing to him. I hope that he’ll like that… but it’s not enough.

When is it ever enough?

When am I ever enough?

Never. Feels like never.

Hoping my outlook will turn around soon. I’ll put it on for the kids, of course. Their happiness is everything to me, even when I can’t feel it inside myself.

Here’s to 2014 – and more of the same shit.