Friday, December 30, 2011

No big deal?

Not counting the days, just going about things as normal and conquering the battles as they arise.

When I start to crave something, I talk to myself: "Now, come on. What can you have that is in your plan instead? Are you really hungry? Maybe you are thirsty? Drink down your bottle of water and wait a while, then re-assess".

I am trying to be gentle with myself. Not talking down to myself, or berating myself for having these thoughts and cravings. But, the talking helps. It's when I ignore my inner level-headed self. Ignoring her is when all hell breaks loose.

Usually after all that talking, I can move on. I drink down the water. If I'm really hungry, I eat something I packed. Sweet tooth? Drink a protein shake. One day, one moment at a time. Feeling in control, mostly.

Sometimes I feel right on the edge.

Yesterday I found myself, near the end of work, thinking "who cares, just eat whatever you want tonight. It's no big deal"

But it IS a big deal. Because it's not just "once" and who cares??


And I do care.

It's important. I have worked REALLY hard. I can't just flip all that off over, what, a night (day, week, month etc...) of binging.


I feel good getting back into the swing of things on the exercise front. Tonight will be a video - preferably something pretty intense. Turbofire anyone? Hmmm.... sounds like a plan. Maybe a run? I get out of work early today, so maybe I will go right home and get it done, so I have no excuse about being too tired later!

I've never been a big New Years Eve fan, so this weekend will simply be a normal weekend, filled with the normal challenges. These are not to be discounted. They are tough, but at least I won't have to worry about parties, drinking or anything. I'm not a drinker, anyway.

Later, peeps

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Get 'er done

Ok troops. Let's get 'er done.

I was very proud of myself last night. Not one bite of one cookie, chocolate, ice cream, nothing. I ate my protein filled dinner, only some black beans for carbs, and had a delightful cup of Click after 30 minutes of yoga.

I felt very good about my decisions last night especially. Drank tons of water yesterday. So much I was up twice last night to pee. Awesome. lol

Todays menu:
S/F mocha (16 oz skim milk)
3 ham bites, 1 slice ezekiel bread with natural PB
Big ass salad with veggies, ground organic turkey breast, black beans, lowfat cheese, salsa
2 cheese sticks
Of course, tons and tons of water.
Dinner, still up in the air. I need to start planning dinners a bit better. Will work on that.

Pretty sore today. 2nd day after hardcore workout is always the worst for me. I am going to see how I feel later, so I may nor may not do a workout. I would like to do *something*, just not sure what. Too cold outside for a walk/run, so it would be a video.

Does putting away Christmas decorations count as a workout??

There are many challenges brewing in the wake of the New Year. I have figured out I don't do well with Challenges. I don't know why, and frankly, I don't have time to figure it out. I've been asked here at work already to participate in one and declined. I will not do any challenges. I fall apart. I can't understand it, but I do.

I may be screwed up, but at least I know myself.

More later peeps.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Breakfast, lunch, snacks, all good.

About 70 oz of water down. 16 oz of skim milk this morning.

This is the time of day I start to feel "munchy". I want junk. Well, I don't want junk, but I want junk, ya know?

So, I move onto my backup plans: sugar free chocolate pudding, or no-sugar added cocoa mix.

Both 60 calories. Not gonna break the bank, but WILL keep me away from the candy.

I think I'm going to go for the cocoa. Sipping slowly helps it last.

2 hours left of work, and on the way home stopping at the grocery store for some staples - cheese, milk, bananas, turkey, eggs, etc. Stuff for the kids lunches (pasta, fruit...ugh, it's so hard to figure out what to give them everyday!)

Yes, I don't have a lot to say, but this is keeping me away from the crap, dammit! :-)

Workout tonight... that is still up in the air. Do I want to do some yoga? Or should I ride the wave and do something more hardcore? If I go hardcore and I am even MORE sore tomorrow, will it mean trouble for the rest of the week??

Official Weigh in and Plan

Here we go.... drum roll please....

This morning I weighed in at 225.

That is officially 21 lbs HEAVIER than my lowest recorded weight of 204.

Let me say that I did not cry or feel the need to jump out a window when I saw the number. I say this in itself is a step in the right direction.

So, my plan, really, began last night with my first workout back at Bodyology and, as predicted, it was very tough. There were no tears, there was no blood (thankfully) but the sweat was pouring. I had to really focus and dig in to keep going. Going into round 4, I found myself shaking my head thinking "no way". But even when I think that, there is nothing on this earth (besides maybe passing out) that would force me to quit. I just kept pushing and pushing. There was two moments when I thought I might throw up. There were a few moments I was dizzy and had to give myself a second, but I kept going.

Today, my body hurts. As predicted. So, It's tylenol and lots of hydration to combat the soreness. There will be SOME kind of workout tonight. Not sure what yet.

I am also re-instating my 100 pushups a day challenge. I will do 100 pushups everyday till at least Jan 28 (1 month).

Now, food. I am returning to primarily protein. It served me very, very well during my weight loss phase after surgery, so I am going back to it. I will have SOME carbs - veggies and fruits, quinoa and ezekiel bread, maybe the Mission Carb Balance Tortillas, but NO breads, no cereals, and no sweets.

At this time, I am not going to cut out artificial sugar. I know this will need to happen eventually, but I need a successful launch of this plan, and I feel that having the option of some sugar free things will help me to do that (Click, SF syrup in my tea, etc)

Some protein sources I will be using are as following:
Protein shakes (for my sweet fix, using fruit or SF syrups for variety)
Many of the awesome recipes from Shelly, including her "bites" which are like mini crustless quiches. I had some this morning for breakfast. (Side note: Thing 2 LOVES these things)
Vegetarian protein, like Morning Star sausage patties (very yummy)
Cheese. Yes, I will be eating cheese. I happen to enjoy low-fat cheese, so that is what I stick with.
I'll give you my food for today, as an example:

Pre Breakfast: Sugar free Starbucks Mocha
breakfast: 5 ham bites, 1/2 banana (although I am feeling a bit hungry)
snack: Ezekiel Bread, natural PB
Lunch: BIG salad with quinoa, tons of chopped veggies. black beans, chickpeas, and salsa as dressing
snack: Larabar, veggies and hummus
LOTS of water.

Dinner: - tough, because I really need to go to the grocery store. I will have to really think about this... but I will have some Click, probably later as "dessert"... Certainly better than the junk that is still pervading my house.

So, here it is. You will notice I have re-instated my ticker at the top of the blog. I cannot "coast"... this gain is what happens when I "coast". It cannot. I deserve better than this. I deserve to feel good - physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't feel like that now. But I will.

I will also be back here LOTS more often. You will probably even hear from me again today! You lucky ducks, you!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I mean, I don't post for a week and now you are getting 2 in ONE DAY!

Woh, you must be on the SUPER GOOD list for THIS gift! LOL

Anyway, I just wanted to post a little about how I am feeling physically.

Well, I feel like crap.

I feel "full" all the time. I feel weighed down and heavy. I feel really gross.

I have not stepped on a scale for weeks.

This, my friends, cannot be good.

I will, however, step on it tomorrow morning.

Be prepared for total, complete and utter despair. I'm not kidding. You all will get the brunt of it.

I know I have gained, because my pants are very uncomfortable. Some are so uncomfortable I have not worn them. No good. I am currently wearing comfy yet deceiving stretchy pants.

Oh stretchy pants - I thought you had been banished.

I am currently trying to concoct a good excuse to be able to yoga pants to work tomorrow.

I'm still working on that one. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am, however, working toward remedy. I certainly have not come this far to go back to the weak, blubbery mess I once was. No Sir.

Of course you know I am going to get my ass kicked workout on tonight at 6:00. There may be tears. There may be blood. There will CERTAINLY be SWEAT.


Merry post-holiday to everyone. Christmas was pretty quiet, especially after Thing 1 ripped through his presents in record time. His reaction when he came down the stairs, however, was priceless. He ran down and stared at the tree, the lights and the gifts and says "YESSS!!!!!" AS if he had just scored a touchdown. LOL It was great. One thing I loved was that, even though every year we make a true effort to cut down on gifts, Thing 1 still said "look at all this stuff!" Made me feel good. I was freaking out a little on Christmas eve and wondering if I should run out and buy more! Thank goodness a level headed hubby talked me out of that. Thing 1 ran around in awe of the eaten cookies and drunk milk, the carrots for the reindeer all gobbled up. What a wonder to see it all through his eyes. He's been doing craft projects and "decorating" since then with all of the paper, sparkle, crayons and markers Santa brought.
I went on a date yesterday with the 4 year old. I love to do that on occasion. Just he and I went and got coffee/milk and sat in Starbucks. We counted the people who went in and out, sang songs, and made each other giggle. He's such an awesome little kid. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said "a fire truck". Not firefighter, mind you, a fire TRUCK. Then, later he told me he wanted to be a doctor. Awesome kid, keep that in mind!
Ok, on to food. We hosted Christmas and opted against a sit-down dinner. So, we have apps like veggies and hummus, crackers and cheese, little quiche bites, etc. I tried my hand at making a pie we affectionately call "Mima Pie" because she made it for every holiday and everyone loves it. It wasn't quite the same, but I will work on it next year. I obviously indulged, but not nearly the way I thought I would. I even found myself thinking last night "I'm really sick of this junk in the house". Hm.
I must say I am pretty happy to be through Christmas. It's a wonderful time of year, but it gets exhausting.
I walked into Walgreens (Our local pharmacy) today, and they already had VALENTINES DAY CRAP OUT.
Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Hubby asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while ago and I gave him some ideas - mostly health and fitness related. But, I didn't get any of those. SO, I bought MYSELF a Christmas gift today. A 5 class pass to Bodyology, starting with a class tonight.
Ok, I am a little scared.
I have obviously fallen out of shape, and I know I'm going to get my ASS kicked. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt for DAYS. But, that's what you get for being a slacker. I'll post all about my pain tomorrow. It'll be good for a chuckle.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Holidays to you and yours

Looks like I've lost a few followers. Ah, whatever. This blog isn't about that. It's about me. But, is it something I said, or didn't say? Am I boring? Too whiney? Ah, well...

12/23. Almost Christmas. I have a sick baby home, and a very excited pre-schooler who is desperately waiting for Santa's arrival. He's such a good boy.

Working half a day today (woohoo!) and going to hang out with my brother, sister in law and nephew before they leave tomorrow. I have hardly gotten to see them at all, and they are already leaving.

Sorry to sound poopy - just tired. Thing 2 was up with a burning fever at 3:40, and then he decided that it was time to be up playing... Ugh.

Looking forward to that "New Year, Fresh Start" feeling. No, I don't think you should wait till the new year to eat healthy and move your body, but I do think there is something compelling about the idea of a fresh year.

I am starting to run again. Very.... slowly... For example, when I walk to and from work (about a 15 minute jaunt, 10 if I really move) I have taken to running for cross lights. So, if I see the cross light at the block ahead of me turns, I run for it instead of walking and waiting for the next. Little bursts of energy and speed. Gets my heart rate up a little, and I remember how good it feels to move quickly. I want to start really running again. I need new shoes, though. Maybe Santa is listening? :-)

My gym membership is officially up. The price per month has gone down slightly, but the daycare charge has gone up... yuck. For now, I will be working out at home, since there is simply no disposable income to do anything but that. I have lots of DVDs and surprisingly enough, it's been very mild here in CT - in the 50's today. So, running outside (or, at LEAST walking!) is still doable.

In my office, people started bringing in gifts for each other a few days ago. I decided, instead of getting everyone "Stuff", I would make a donation to the American Cancer Society in the name of our department. So much more fitting in what I believe this season should be about. Giving to those in NEED.

So, interesting question - when you do something for those in need (ex, paying for the lady behind me in the Starbucks line this morning) is it selfish, because it makes you feel good? Does that sound silly? Maybe. But, I am functioning on very little sleep, so forgive me.

Ok kids, I'm out for now. I can't guarantee that I will blog before Christmas, so may I say, I hope that Peace, Joy and Love follow you always. Through the holiday, and through the whole year. Let us remember our many blessings, and thank God (or your own Higher Power) for them.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Update - Countdown to Christmas

I feel like I am floating in a strange sort of limbo. It's a tough part of the year, not just for food, but for missing those we have lost. It's almost 1 year to the day now that we lost my Mima. I can't believe it's been a year.

I have been very unfocused. I have put on some pounds. I feel pretty yucky and I need to get it together. I haven't been exercising, and although I have been packing my food for work every day, and I pack it clean, when I get home, I get too lax. I eat too much, and it's not clean. I've been so tired, that cooking when I get home is a joke.

Obviously, this needs to be worked on. I know it.

My last post I said I was not going to try and lose weight anymore. But I think my mental-being took that to mean we were going to PARTY, thus leading to my demise.

I am looking forward to the evenings free so I can start my exercise routine up again. Working out makes me feel really good, and it makes me WANT to eat well... So, that's the route I am going to go.

Last night was my last final for the semester, so I will have about a month of no classes. I am SO glad I decided NOT to take a winter inter-session class. I would be pulling my hair out right about now.
On the UP side - my brother and his family are going to be here in 2 DAYS for almost a week! YES!!!! I am SOOOO excited! I can't wait to see them!! This is the best Christmas gift anyone could give me!

Oh, speaking of Christmas, I've got *almost* everyone done. The kids have been done... the hubs is done (remember - he's the triple whammy - our anniversary, his birthday, and Christmas within a WEEK of each other!)So, I just have a gift for my sweet nephew, Jack, and... hmm... is that it?? I have to pick up some cards too. Little details. Not stressing.

We are having an "open house" of sorts on Christmas - meaning both of our families and friends are invited to come over at any time. We will not have a formal dinner, but picky horsdevours of sorts - veggies and hummus, crackers, cheese, fruit, and well, let’s be honest; there will be other stuff that is not so health conscious. We will be relaxed and calm and let the kids play and just be together. That's my kind of Christmas.

My little Thing 2 is getting baptized on Sunday in our church. My brother will be here, Anthony and I will be singing - it's going to be very special. My cousins Katie and John are going to be his God-Parents. Thing 2 actually has 2 middle names - one is the hubs first name, and one is my cousin Brian’s (who we lost last year) middle name. It was important for me to ask Katie and John, Brian’s siblings, to stand up with us. They are very excited, and so am I. I feel like we have established a great church family and I am very proud and happy to be baptizing my son with them.

So, yes, my weight is not perfect right now. What is perfect, anyway? But, there are wonderful things happening. I am SO blessed for all of my good fortune - my wonderful family; my gorgeous boys (my little tribe); my loving, wonderful husband; this amazing time of year; a good job... I could go on and on. I am very fortunate. I am grateful.

I wish everyone reading this, and everyone NOT reading this Peace, Love, Joy and Happiness for this season, and for the whole year through.

"When I'm worried, and I can't sleep... I count my blessings, instead of sheep..."

Friday, December 9, 2011

Challenge: Living

I have learned so much these past 12 days. Not just about clean eating, but about myself. And about what I want from myself and FOR myself. Not just in eating, and exercise, but regarding my mental and emotional state - especially toward food.

I am not going to try to lose weight anymore. I know that statement doesn't sound "healthy" at first, but let me explain.

I have spent my whole life, since I was 10 years old, CONSTANTLY trying to lose weight. I "dieted" my way up to 365lbs. I have lost 160 lbs in the last 3 years, and I am done with trying to lose weight.

I have not gotten on the scale the whole time during the cleanse. Not since the first day we met up almost 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE for me. I am a self-proclaimed "scale-a-holic" sometimes weighing myself 3-4 times a day. I know, it's a problem.

So, I know I am rambling, but hang with me here - Focusing on eating clean, healthy meals, frequently, exercising more days a week than not and really feeling good about myself is going to be my focus.

How do my clothes fit? Am I really hungry, or is it just "head-hunger"? Is this food choice the best choice I can make? Is eating this good for me - my body AND mind?

These are my new focus. And I am very, very happy about that.

I'm never going to stop trying to get healthy. I just need to step away from the numbers for a while and get in touch with my body. What do I need to do stay away from things that trigger binge responses (sugar)? More protein? Less protein? More halthy carbs? Less? More exercise? Less? You get the picture.

I am also becoming quite aware of different foods having different effects on my body, including painful bloating. It's become evident that I need to pick things apart a little more so I can pinpoint what is doing this. I could very well have a food "allergy", or sensitivity.

It's going to be a period of self discovery. I am going to workout when I really want to. I felt like running yesterday, so I ran. One day I felt like grunting along to a HIIT workout, so I did. Maybe one day I will want to take a nice long walk. And although I have been told there is "no glory in a long walk", if it's what I feel like, it is what I will do. Period.

I decide. For real. I have said that before, and continued to following along other peoples paths. It's time to carve my own.

It's also finally time to start learning to love myself. Whether I stay at this weight, or I happen to get smaller, I need to love myself regardless. That is the hardest part of all.

There is no end date to this. There is no "challenge" or "goal" per se. There is just living life everyday and taking the bumps as they come.

So I guess my new challenge is - living?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Cleanse - week 2

Into week 2 of the cleanse. Went astray a little this weekend, but I am moving past it and forward. What can one do? Soldier on. That's all. Even though I went off track a little, I have still (and continue to) rid my body of a lot of junk. Eating clean just makes me feel really good. Energetic, and...well... just great. It's an awesome way to eat, but it takes a lot of prep and planning. As someone who is a mother of 2, has 2 jobs, and school, church, and theater on the "side" this is not easy. I find I am able to do it *most* of the time. That, at this point, is good enough.

Did I forget to mention I'm not perfect? Oh wait, if you have been reading along, you already know that.

I've lost some weight, and that's nice. I'll let you know how much at the end of the week.

Dealing with home/family/kid stuff... Daycare is so pricey, and it seems like all they do is call us to come get the kids of one reason or another. It's crazy. Thank goodness I love the program, and I KNOW Josh really needs to be in school, full time, as he is. But boy, I would give anything to be able to yank Sammy out of there and save some money.

I know, boo-hoo. Story of every working parents life.

Nothing super exciting going on (that I can really talk about, anyway). I'm trudging along. Classes wrapping up, holidays coming close. Doesn't feel Christmas-y to me. Hopefully I'll get more jolly as it gets closer.

How do you feel about the approaching holidays?