Friday, December 30, 2011

No big deal?

Not counting the days, just going about things as normal and conquering the battles as they arise.

When I start to crave something, I talk to myself: "Now, come on. What can you have that is in your plan instead? Are you really hungry? Maybe you are thirsty? Drink down your bottle of water and wait a while, then re-assess".

I am trying to be gentle with myself. Not talking down to myself, or berating myself for having these thoughts and cravings. But, the talking helps. It's when I ignore my inner level-headed self. Ignoring her is when all hell breaks loose.

Usually after all that talking, I can move on. I drink down the water. If I'm really hungry, I eat something I packed. Sweet tooth? Drink a protein shake. One day, one moment at a time. Feeling in control, mostly.

Sometimes I feel right on the edge.

Yesterday I found myself, near the end of work, thinking "who cares, just eat whatever you want tonight. It's no big deal"

But it IS a big deal. Because it's not just "once" and who cares??


And I do care.

It's important. I have worked REALLY hard. I can't just flip all that off over, what, a night (day, week, month etc...) of binging.


I feel good getting back into the swing of things on the exercise front. Tonight will be a video - preferably something pretty intense. Turbofire anyone? Hmmm.... sounds like a plan. Maybe a run? I get out of work early today, so maybe I will go right home and get it done, so I have no excuse about being too tired later!

I've never been a big New Years Eve fan, so this weekend will simply be a normal weekend, filled with the normal challenges. These are not to be discounted. They are tough, but at least I won't have to worry about parties, drinking or anything. I'm not a drinker, anyway.

Later, peeps

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Get 'er done

Ok troops. Let's get 'er done.

I was very proud of myself last night. Not one bite of one cookie, chocolate, ice cream, nothing. I ate my protein filled dinner, only some black beans for carbs, and had a delightful cup of Click after 30 minutes of yoga.

I felt very good about my decisions last night especially. Drank tons of water yesterday. So much I was up twice last night to pee. Awesome. lol

Todays menu:
S/F mocha (16 oz skim milk)
3 ham bites, 1 slice ezekiel bread with natural PB
Big ass salad with veggies, ground organic turkey breast, black beans, lowfat cheese, salsa
2 cheese sticks
Of course, tons and tons of water.
Dinner, still up in the air. I need to start planning dinners a bit better. Will work on that.

Pretty sore today. 2nd day after hardcore workout is always the worst for me. I am going to see how I feel later, so I may nor may not do a workout. I would like to do *something*, just not sure what. Too cold outside for a walk/run, so it would be a video.

Does putting away Christmas decorations count as a workout??

There are many challenges brewing in the wake of the New Year. I have figured out I don't do well with Challenges. I don't know why, and frankly, I don't have time to figure it out. I've been asked here at work already to participate in one and declined. I will not do any challenges. I fall apart. I can't understand it, but I do.

I may be screwed up, but at least I know myself.

More later peeps.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Breakfast, lunch, snacks, all good.

About 70 oz of water down. 16 oz of skim milk this morning.

This is the time of day I start to feel "munchy". I want junk. Well, I don't want junk, but I want junk, ya know?

So, I move onto my backup plans: sugar free chocolate pudding, or no-sugar added cocoa mix.

Both 60 calories. Not gonna break the bank, but WILL keep me away from the candy.

I think I'm going to go for the cocoa. Sipping slowly helps it last.

2 hours left of work, and on the way home stopping at the grocery store for some staples - cheese, milk, bananas, turkey, eggs, etc. Stuff for the kids lunches (pasta, fruit...ugh, it's so hard to figure out what to give them everyday!)

Yes, I don't have a lot to say, but this is keeping me away from the crap, dammit! :-)

Workout tonight... that is still up in the air. Do I want to do some yoga? Or should I ride the wave and do something more hardcore? If I go hardcore and I am even MORE sore tomorrow, will it mean trouble for the rest of the week??

Official Weigh in and Plan

Here we go.... drum roll please....

This morning I weighed in at 225.

That is officially 21 lbs HEAVIER than my lowest recorded weight of 204.

Let me say that I did not cry or feel the need to jump out a window when I saw the number. I say this in itself is a step in the right direction.

So, my plan, really, began last night with my first workout back at Bodyology and, as predicted, it was very tough. There were no tears, there was no blood (thankfully) but the sweat was pouring. I had to really focus and dig in to keep going. Going into round 4, I found myself shaking my head thinking "no way". But even when I think that, there is nothing on this earth (besides maybe passing out) that would force me to quit. I just kept pushing and pushing. There was two moments when I thought I might throw up. There were a few moments I was dizzy and had to give myself a second, but I kept going.

Today, my body hurts. As predicted. So, It's tylenol and lots of hydration to combat the soreness. There will be SOME kind of workout tonight. Not sure what yet.

I am also re-instating my 100 pushups a day challenge. I will do 100 pushups everyday till at least Jan 28 (1 month).

Now, food. I am returning to primarily protein. It served me very, very well during my weight loss phase after surgery, so I am going back to it. I will have SOME carbs - veggies and fruits, quinoa and ezekiel bread, maybe the Mission Carb Balance Tortillas, but NO breads, no cereals, and no sweets.

At this time, I am not going to cut out artificial sugar. I know this will need to happen eventually, but I need a successful launch of this plan, and I feel that having the option of some sugar free things will help me to do that (Click, SF syrup in my tea, etc)

Some protein sources I will be using are as following:
Protein shakes (for my sweet fix, using fruit or SF syrups for variety)
Many of the awesome recipes from Shelly, including her "bites" which are like mini crustless quiches. I had some this morning for breakfast. (Side note: Thing 2 LOVES these things)
Vegetarian protein, like Morning Star sausage patties (very yummy)
Cheese. Yes, I will be eating cheese. I happen to enjoy low-fat cheese, so that is what I stick with.
I'll give you my food for today, as an example:

Pre Breakfast: Sugar free Starbucks Mocha
breakfast: 5 ham bites, 1/2 banana (although I am feeling a bit hungry)
snack: Ezekiel Bread, natural PB
Lunch: BIG salad with quinoa, tons of chopped veggies. black beans, chickpeas, and salsa as dressing
snack: Larabar, veggies and hummus
LOTS of water.

Dinner: - tough, because I really need to go to the grocery store. I will have to really think about this... but I will have some Click, probably later as "dessert"... Certainly better than the junk that is still pervading my house.

So, here it is. You will notice I have re-instated my ticker at the top of the blog. I cannot "coast"... this gain is what happens when I "coast". It cannot. I deserve better than this. I deserve to feel good - physically, emotionally and mentally. I don't feel like that now. But I will.

I will also be back here LOTS more often. You will probably even hear from me again today! You lucky ducks, you!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I mean, I don't post for a week and now you are getting 2 in ONE DAY!

Woh, you must be on the SUPER GOOD list for THIS gift! LOL

Anyway, I just wanted to post a little about how I am feeling physically.

Well, I feel like crap.

I feel "full" all the time. I feel weighed down and heavy. I feel really gross.

I have not stepped on a scale for weeks.

This, my friends, cannot be good.

I will, however, step on it tomorrow morning.

Be prepared for total, complete and utter despair. I'm not kidding. You all will get the brunt of it.

I know I have gained, because my pants are very uncomfortable. Some are so uncomfortable I have not worn them. No good. I am currently wearing comfy yet deceiving stretchy pants.

Oh stretchy pants - I thought you had been banished.

I am currently trying to concoct a good excuse to be able to yoga pants to work tomorrow.

I'm still working on that one. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am, however, working toward remedy. I certainly have not come this far to go back to the weak, blubbery mess I once was. No Sir.

Of course you know I am going to get my ass kicked workout on tonight at 6:00. There may be tears. There may be blood. There will CERTAINLY be SWEAT.


Merry post-holiday to everyone. Christmas was pretty quiet, especially after Thing 1 ripped through his presents in record time. His reaction when he came down the stairs, however, was priceless. He ran down and stared at the tree, the lights and the gifts and says "YESSS!!!!!" AS if he had just scored a touchdown. LOL It was great. One thing I loved was that, even though every year we make a true effort to cut down on gifts, Thing 1 still said "look at all this stuff!" Made me feel good. I was freaking out a little on Christmas eve and wondering if I should run out and buy more! Thank goodness a level headed hubby talked me out of that. Thing 1 ran around in awe of the eaten cookies and drunk milk, the carrots for the reindeer all gobbled up. What a wonder to see it all through his eyes. He's been doing craft projects and "decorating" since then with all of the paper, sparkle, crayons and markers Santa brought.
I went on a date yesterday with the 4 year old. I love to do that on occasion. Just he and I went and got coffee/milk and sat in Starbucks. We counted the people who went in and out, sang songs, and made each other giggle. He's such an awesome little kid. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said "a fire truck". Not firefighter, mind you, a fire TRUCK. Then, later he told me he wanted to be a doctor. Awesome kid, keep that in mind!
Ok, on to food. We hosted Christmas and opted against a sit-down dinner. So, we have apps like veggies and hummus, crackers and cheese, little quiche bites, etc. I tried my hand at making a pie we affectionately call "Mima Pie" because she made it for every holiday and everyone loves it. It wasn't quite the same, but I will work on it next year. I obviously indulged, but not nearly the way I thought I would. I even found myself thinking last night "I'm really sick of this junk in the house". Hm.
I must say I am pretty happy to be through Christmas. It's a wonderful time of year, but it gets exhausting.
I walked into Walgreens (Our local pharmacy) today, and they already had VALENTINES DAY CRAP OUT.
Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Hubby asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while ago and I gave him some ideas - mostly health and fitness related. But, I didn't get any of those. SO, I bought MYSELF a Christmas gift today. A 5 class pass to Bodyology, starting with a class tonight.
Ok, I am a little scared.
I have obviously fallen out of shape, and I know I'm going to get my ASS kicked. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt for DAYS. But, that's what you get for being a slacker. I'll post all about my pain tomorrow. It'll be good for a chuckle.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Holidays to you and yours

Looks like I've lost a few followers. Ah, whatever. This blog isn't about that. It's about me. But, is it something I said, or didn't say? Am I boring? Too whiney? Ah, well...

12/23. Almost Christmas. I have a sick baby home, and a very excited pre-schooler who is desperately waiting for Santa's arrival. He's such a good boy.

Working half a day today (woohoo!) and going to hang out with my brother, sister in law and nephew before they leave tomorrow. I have hardly gotten to see them at all, and they are already leaving.

Sorry to sound poopy - just tired. Thing 2 was up with a burning fever at 3:40, and then he decided that it was time to be up playing... Ugh.

Looking forward to that "New Year, Fresh Start" feeling. No, I don't think you should wait till the new year to eat healthy and move your body, but I do think there is something compelling about the idea of a fresh year.

I am starting to run again. Very.... slowly... For example, when I walk to and from work (about a 15 minute jaunt, 10 if I really move) I have taken to running for cross lights. So, if I see the cross light at the block ahead of me turns, I run for it instead of walking and waiting for the next. Little bursts of energy and speed. Gets my heart rate up a little, and I remember how good it feels to move quickly. I want to start really running again. I need new shoes, though. Maybe Santa is listening? :-)

My gym membership is officially up. The price per month has gone down slightly, but the daycare charge has gone up... yuck. For now, I will be working out at home, since there is simply no disposable income to do anything but that. I have lots of DVDs and surprisingly enough, it's been very mild here in CT - in the 50's today. So, running outside (or, at LEAST walking!) is still doable.

In my office, people started bringing in gifts for each other a few days ago. I decided, instead of getting everyone "Stuff", I would make a donation to the American Cancer Society in the name of our department. So much more fitting in what I believe this season should be about. Giving to those in NEED.

So, interesting question - when you do something for those in need (ex, paying for the lady behind me in the Starbucks line this morning) is it selfish, because it makes you feel good? Does that sound silly? Maybe. But, I am functioning on very little sleep, so forgive me.

Ok kids, I'm out for now. I can't guarantee that I will blog before Christmas, so may I say, I hope that Peace, Joy and Love follow you always. Through the holiday, and through the whole year. Let us remember our many blessings, and thank God (or your own Higher Power) for them.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Update - Countdown to Christmas

I feel like I am floating in a strange sort of limbo. It's a tough part of the year, not just for food, but for missing those we have lost. It's almost 1 year to the day now that we lost my Mima. I can't believe it's been a year.

I have been very unfocused. I have put on some pounds. I feel pretty yucky and I need to get it together. I haven't been exercising, and although I have been packing my food for work every day, and I pack it clean, when I get home, I get too lax. I eat too much, and it's not clean. I've been so tired, that cooking when I get home is a joke.

Obviously, this needs to be worked on. I know it.

My last post I said I was not going to try and lose weight anymore. But I think my mental-being took that to mean we were going to PARTY, thus leading to my demise.

I am looking forward to the evenings free so I can start my exercise routine up again. Working out makes me feel really good, and it makes me WANT to eat well... So, that's the route I am going to go.

Last night was my last final for the semester, so I will have about a month of no classes. I am SO glad I decided NOT to take a winter inter-session class. I would be pulling my hair out right about now.
On the UP side - my brother and his family are going to be here in 2 DAYS for almost a week! YES!!!! I am SOOOO excited! I can't wait to see them!! This is the best Christmas gift anyone could give me!

Oh, speaking of Christmas, I've got *almost* everyone done. The kids have been done... the hubs is done (remember - he's the triple whammy - our anniversary, his birthday, and Christmas within a WEEK of each other!)So, I just have a gift for my sweet nephew, Jack, and... hmm... is that it?? I have to pick up some cards too. Little details. Not stressing.

We are having an "open house" of sorts on Christmas - meaning both of our families and friends are invited to come over at any time. We will not have a formal dinner, but picky horsdevours of sorts - veggies and hummus, crackers, cheese, fruit, and well, let’s be honest; there will be other stuff that is not so health conscious. We will be relaxed and calm and let the kids play and just be together. That's my kind of Christmas.

My little Thing 2 is getting baptized on Sunday in our church. My brother will be here, Anthony and I will be singing - it's going to be very special. My cousins Katie and John are going to be his God-Parents. Thing 2 actually has 2 middle names - one is the hubs first name, and one is my cousin Brian’s (who we lost last year) middle name. It was important for me to ask Katie and John, Brian’s siblings, to stand up with us. They are very excited, and so am I. I feel like we have established a great church family and I am very proud and happy to be baptizing my son with them.

So, yes, my weight is not perfect right now. What is perfect, anyway? But, there are wonderful things happening. I am SO blessed for all of my good fortune - my wonderful family; my gorgeous boys (my little tribe); my loving, wonderful husband; this amazing time of year; a good job... I could go on and on. I am very fortunate. I am grateful.

I wish everyone reading this, and everyone NOT reading this Peace, Love, Joy and Happiness for this season, and for the whole year through.

"When I'm worried, and I can't sleep... I count my blessings, instead of sheep..."

Friday, December 9, 2011

Challenge: Living

I have learned so much these past 12 days. Not just about clean eating, but about myself. And about what I want from myself and FOR myself. Not just in eating, and exercise, but regarding my mental and emotional state - especially toward food.

I am not going to try to lose weight anymore. I know that statement doesn't sound "healthy" at first, but let me explain.

I have spent my whole life, since I was 10 years old, CONSTANTLY trying to lose weight. I "dieted" my way up to 365lbs. I have lost 160 lbs in the last 3 years, and I am done with trying to lose weight.

I have not gotten on the scale the whole time during the cleanse. Not since the first day we met up almost 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE for me. I am a self-proclaimed "scale-a-holic" sometimes weighing myself 3-4 times a day. I know, it's a problem.

So, I know I am rambling, but hang with me here - Focusing on eating clean, healthy meals, frequently, exercising more days a week than not and really feeling good about myself is going to be my focus.

How do my clothes fit? Am I really hungry, or is it just "head-hunger"? Is this food choice the best choice I can make? Is eating this good for me - my body AND mind?

These are my new focus. And I am very, very happy about that.

I'm never going to stop trying to get healthy. I just need to step away from the numbers for a while and get in touch with my body. What do I need to do stay away from things that trigger binge responses (sugar)? More protein? Less protein? More halthy carbs? Less? More exercise? Less? You get the picture.

I am also becoming quite aware of different foods having different effects on my body, including painful bloating. It's become evident that I need to pick things apart a little more so I can pinpoint what is doing this. I could very well have a food "allergy", or sensitivity.

It's going to be a period of self discovery. I am going to workout when I really want to. I felt like running yesterday, so I ran. One day I felt like grunting along to a HIIT workout, so I did. Maybe one day I will want to take a nice long walk. And although I have been told there is "no glory in a long walk", if it's what I feel like, it is what I will do. Period.

I decide. For real. I have said that before, and continued to following along other peoples paths. It's time to carve my own.

It's also finally time to start learning to love myself. Whether I stay at this weight, or I happen to get smaller, I need to love myself regardless. That is the hardest part of all.

There is no end date to this. There is no "challenge" or "goal" per se. There is just living life everyday and taking the bumps as they come.

So I guess my new challenge is - living?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Cleanse - week 2

Into week 2 of the cleanse. Went astray a little this weekend, but I am moving past it and forward. What can one do? Soldier on. That's all. Even though I went off track a little, I have still (and continue to) rid my body of a lot of junk. Eating clean just makes me feel really good. Energetic, and...well... just great. It's an awesome way to eat, but it takes a lot of prep and planning. As someone who is a mother of 2, has 2 jobs, and school, church, and theater on the "side" this is not easy. I find I am able to do it *most* of the time. That, at this point, is good enough.

Did I forget to mention I'm not perfect? Oh wait, if you have been reading along, you already know that.

I've lost some weight, and that's nice. I'll let you know how much at the end of the week.

Dealing with home/family/kid stuff... Daycare is so pricey, and it seems like all they do is call us to come get the kids of one reason or another. It's crazy. Thank goodness I love the program, and I KNOW Josh really needs to be in school, full time, as he is. But boy, I would give anything to be able to yank Sammy out of there and save some money.

I know, boo-hoo. Story of every working parents life.

Nothing super exciting going on (that I can really talk about, anyway). I'm trudging along. Classes wrapping up, holidays coming close. Doesn't feel Christmas-y to me. Hopefully I'll get more jolly as it gets closer.

How do you feel about the approaching holidays?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Cleanse Day 2

I know these posts are getting further apart, but I am here. I'm on day 2 of a wonderful clean eating cleanse. It's tough, but I need it. My pants were getting snug instead of loose. My tops were hugging a little too much of the middle. No way, friends. I'm not going that way.
So, day 2 so far has equaled a huge headache and not packing enough food to sustain me through my class tonight. Well, if nothing else, it's a learning experience. The hubs is cooking up some lean, clean chicken burgers and quinoa (or sweet potatoes, not sure) so as soon as I get home, I'll be fed and happy.
For anyone wondering, the cleanse is a fantastic program put together by my trainer, Christa, over at Bodyology. It's all clean eating. Really watching portions, and working out to burn off the fat! The first few days can be hard (they are for me) because of sugar and caffeine addiction. Thus, the huge headache. But, it really shows me how addicted I am to the stuff. I mean, I would have done almost anything for a Starbucks mocha this morning, anything except give up on myself. Thank goodness for that, because I was able to drive right by. (ok, there MIGHT have been tears...)
Hubby is joining me, hardcore this time, in the cleanse. So, basically it means we are both miserable. But, we will thank ourselves, and each other, once all the crap is out of our system and we are feeling fabulous (any time now, would be good)
School tonight - presentation of research paper. Only a few more weeks and then I'll have a little break from all the evening classes,rehearsals etc. What am I going to do with all that time, you ask? Oh don't fret, I will think of something!
Got some of the BEST news - Brother and his family will be coming to visit this month!! And though he won't be here for "Christmas" per sei, they are coming for the week before. I am SOOOO excited! Another awesome thing about them coming at that time is we are baptising Thing 2 the weekend they will be here! Perfect timing!
Ok, well, I'm off to class. Wanna get this presentation over with so I can relax!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thaksgiving to you and yours

Want to wish everyone a peaceful, loving, grateful Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try very hard to feel the love of this holiday, instead of the sadness.

Really, really, REALLY looking forward to this cleanse starting Sunday. Will do some grocery shopping on Saturday and do some cooking, to be prepared. My body is gonna LOVE this - my brain is gonna HATE me.

Stupid brain.

schedule continues to be crazy. I... well, I can't even talk about it. It makes me tired.

Anyway, wonderful holiday to anyone who is reading.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

been quiet

Yeah, I've been quiet around here. I don't expect anyone to really notice that, but it is what it is.

Not sure where to start. Holidays are hard. Not food wise, but emotionally. Which, of course, is a breeding ground for bad eating. No excuse, but there it is.

December is already booked. When I say booked, I mean every weekend there is a concert of some kind to perform in. Right up till Christmas. No time with kids looking at the beautiful Christmas lights. No time to go to a tree lighting. No time for a "train ride to see Santa". It'll be tough to go get the kids pics done with Santa, for that matter.

I hate this. I'm not happy being so busy. But, I can't turn down any of these activities. One is for my cousin who commited suicide for his scholarship, one is church, one is our theater company... School through the middle of December, work everyday, 2nd job every weekend... when can I stop and take a breath?

Last year, at the beginning of January, I did a cleanse with Tuff Girl and our awesome leader, Christa. It did wonders for me. No, it's not a crazy nutty juice fast. It's an ultra clean eating cleanse that rids our bodies of all the sugar, caffeine, processed food nasties. I am doing that cleanse again beginning on Sunday and I could NOT be more excited. I mean, I am counting down the moment till then. I still have my workbook from last time. I took a look through it, and in the back I had my weight before and after cleanse


Weigh right now? 210.

In a year, I have technically lost 6 lbs.

This is so unacceptable. I mean, if I was 150, maybe 6 lbs in a year would be ok, but at my weight, there is just no acceptable reason for that.

I am beyond dissapointed.

Yes, it could be worse. I could be 228 again. I could be more. But I SHOULD be less. I SHOULD be working harder, and being more consistant.

I WILL keep trying.

It's been almost a year since I lost my Mima. I miss her so much. My heart still aches. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I can still remember going to see her in hospice and reading to her out of a prayer book. Bringing a small group of our theater company there to do snippets from our Christmas concert and how much she enjoyed it. And I can still see her lying in bed, with her breathes getting further and further apart. We've just sold her house and cleaning out all her things is like losing her all over again.

I miss my brother and his family, who, for the first time in years and years, I won't see this Christmas.

I miss my cousin. And even a year and a half later, I am asking "why"?

Don't wanna be a kill-joy, but looking forward to it all being over.

Monday, November 14, 2011


I mean, we all go through the ups and downs of eating well and getting fit and healthy. I am once again, (Thank you, Lord!) on an upswing.
I sucked it up this morning and stepped on the scale. I knew it was going to be bad, and so I had been avoiding it.


*sigh* certainly not good, but honestly, I expected a LOT worse. I am FEELING a lot worse. I feel like I've put on 50lbs. It's amazing when you are smaller (I know, not SMALL, just SMALLER)when you put on some weight, the's extraordinary. When I was over 300lbs, 9 lb gain would have been nothing. Water weight over a weekend of eating crap. This 9 lbs has been a few weeks in the making, and it's as solid as it can be.

Today is going super well. I'm eating great. Tons of veggies, protein, drinking my water and planning on doing some TurboFire tonight. I just feel better. Maybe because I faced my scale demons? Maybe becuase other plans are progressing and it makes me feel productive? Maybe because I finally went back to the doctors, found out I had pneumonia and got meds? I dunno. Whatever it is, I'm happy about it.

2 tests this week. Amazingly enough, the semester is almost over... I need to be sure I am on top of things. I have to do well in these classes. I'm meeting with my advisor on Wednesday about next semester and my schedule outlook for the next year or so. I want to get as much in as I possibly can over this next year. I would like to find a way to finish the degree within that time, taking into account Summer and Winter interesessions. We shall see. After my advisor meeting, I am picking the kids up early from school, bringing Sam to his 15 month appointment, and BOTH boys will be getting shots (UGH) before I ahve to being them home and run out to class. I feel for whoever is watching the kids that night, because Anthony has rehearsal, and I have class.... poor grandma and popop!

Speaking of which - my mother in law fell and fractured her elbow. They are unsure if they are going to cast it, and how long it will take to heal. Not sure what I am going to do if she can't watch Sam those 2 days a week - that would be another $60 a week in daycare that I just don't have... Not sure where to go about it from here...

Well, that's it in a nutshell for now. I'm excited to get out of work and get home with my family. I have a workout, studying and cleaning to do tonight... so, send me lots of energetic vibes!

Review: Starbucks Skinny Caramel Mocha

Yes, you read that right. Starbucks has brought back the "skinny" (AKA sugar free, fat free) mocha. A few years ago they had it, and frankly, it was awful. So, when I saw they brought it back (introduced in their holiday peppermint mocha) I was weary, but willing to give it a go.

I'm not a peppermint fan, so I asked the barista to substitute sugar free caramel syrup for the peppermint in the skinny peppermint mocha, thus creating a skinny caramel mocha.

Ok. Smell - yummy. Good sign. I took a sip.... ooooooh, yum. SO awesomely good I mean, they must have really worked hard on this one, because it is outstanding. Very similar tasting to the normal mocha. The stats are as follows:

Skinny Peppermint Mocha: 100cals 1gr fat 13gr carbs 3gr fiber 10gr protein

In contrast:
Salted Caramel Mocha: 220cals 2gr fat 47gr carbs <1gr fiber 10gr protein

This doesn't even take into account how much sugar you are saving.

In all, I was a very happy camper this morning. Although, it's still a habit that has to be broken, because as we all know, it's still an expensive morning ritual!

ETA: The stats above for the drinks are for the "Tall" size... if you go bigger, be prepared for more calories... honestly, I think the "Tall" is just right!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I am AWESOME. And so are YOU.

I am so very tired of anticipating what I am going to do wrong everyday.

Was that breakfast food wrong?

Was it wrong to start this morning with a coffee drink?
Always in regard to food, and even seeping over into other parts of my life. Damn, I am so tired of beating on myself! My fear, of course, is if I'm not beating on myself, I will just dive back into old habits.

But I think there needs to be a happy medium.

A place where I am not fooling myself into thinking my unhealthy habits are healthy, but a place where you move on from something you do that may not be the "healthiest" and not allow it to become something I drown myself in guilt over.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling "wrong" and "bad". I want to feel good about myself. There is so much that goes into that, though. It's not JUST losing weight. It's accepting myself. Understanding what I want (to be healthy and fit)and forgive myself for being..well.. HUMAN.

I will be striving to find that place where I am forgiving and loving toward myself. I really believe it is in that place I will find "wellness". Isn't that what we are all striving for, really? To be "well", in whatever terms we deem appropriate?

For me, my "wellness" includes:
- being free from food (including food guilt and addiction-like tendencies)
- feeling calm and relaxed (at least MOST of the time!)
- feeling energized, and well rested
- feeling happy with my career
- having quality time with my family

Having these things will require I do OTHER things that sometimes I might find challenging, like being physically active everyday (which helps me feel energized), making good food choices (which helps me toward feeling free from food addiction, helps me feel energized), but not allowing myself to be bogged down when I make a mistake (helping me be calm and relaxed). Going to bed at a decent hour, and not overbooking my schedule (helping me to feel well rested, calm and relaxed, and to spend quality time with my family). Prioritizing my life to focus on what is really important to me (going to school for what I love, which will lead me to feeling happy with my career).

And while all of these things will bring me to my wellness, they are hard work! And guess what? I'm NOT PERFECT. But I have to MOVE BEYOND that.

So, today, I will try to make a special note of every time I make a good choice. Writing all this down in a good choice. Kudos to me! When I eat my healthy, delicious lunch I packed for myself, I will make note of that awesomeness.

I AM awesome. I do AWESOME things.

SO ARE YOU. No matter where you are in your journey RIGHT NOW, you ARE awesome and you do AWESOME things. Keep doing them - and not only that, give yourself some credit!

My Facebook status last night was "Even when I make mistakes, and I make a LOT of them, I will never quit. I will try everyday"

This doesn't have to be just about eating and weight loss. It's about anything in life.

So, what is YOUR wellness? What do you need to do to get there? What have you done that is AWESOME today???

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Seriously, the longest...

Ok, seriously, the last few days have been the longest at work EVER. I can't belive it's only 2:21.

Of course, it could be because I've been up since 4:45 with a little hobo-toothed baby... hmmm.

I seem to hit a big wall around this time of day. Ugh. I don't want to eat anything, because I feel yucky and bloated. Stuck. I am so stuck. Again.
I fall into these patches. I feel stuck and gross. It's not *just* eating. It's life. It's not moving as much as I should, it's not eating really well, it's not feeling productive in my life. It's feeling like I am a slave to circumstance. I know this is probably not true, but when you are deep in the feeling, it's hard to see that you could be something else. It's hard to see that you could be un-stuck.

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. " ~ Mary Pickford

I know the above is true, and yet I let the moments pass that I could make a change. Make a good decision, choose to be less stressed, less burdened, more optimistic and productive... but they pass... I keep letting them pass...

Our in-flux situation is not helping things. It probably should. It should motivate me to get moving. To get things done. But it's not doing that as much as I would love it to. I guess I am very dependant on my outside influences. That can't be good... How do I get away from that?

Ok. I'm gonna go for now. I have to much pushing around in my head to get it all out...

Monday, November 7, 2011

Update on real life

A lot has been going on around here, as I have eluded, and I can't really make things clear just yet. ***(see note) Things are in a big state of flux. There was excitement, and fear, and now the high is wearing off and reality is setting in. I don't like the reality. Not one bit. It pisses me off and makes me really cranky. When I get something in my head, I want to ATTACK it. Really GO for it and just get it done. I guess things can't always work like that. I know I'm impatient, and it's something I have to work on, but dammit, I'm pissed off right now.

*breath in. breath out*

Moving on to some family news. Little Thing 2 fell right on his little face Friday night and chipped his beautiful front tooth. He's totally fine. The dentist checked him out and said he was ok. But, it looks awful. I call it his hobo-tooth. I know it's just a baby tooth, and he's going to lose it, but I already can't wait for it to fall out. It'll probably take another 4 years. Hobo-tooth is here to stay. Yuck.

Thing 2 also took his very first steps all by himself. He was outside with the hubs, and he shook loose of my husbands hand and just went for it. He took 3 steps, looked up with a huge hobo-tooth grin, and promptly fell on his tush. So freakin cute, I can't stand it. My baby is growing up.

My eating has been spotty. It has not been great, but not terrible. I am tired of beating myself up for it. I won't allow myself to get crazy, but it's exhausting to constantly brow-beat. I know I will fall back into line.

Financially, we have made a commitment to cut our grocery bills and that is going to help our eating a LOT. I ALWAYS grocery shop well, it's the little stops here and there in between for the junk that kills us, money wise and calorie wise. So, there will be no more of that at all. We are getting bills under control, and in a hurry. We have things to do and places to go. I am looking out for my family, and our well-being as a whole. I know what to do to get that done, and it just can't happen fast enough for me.

Had a great workout at my gym on Saturday. It was "similar" to (but not NEARLY as awesome!) my Tuff Girl workouts. I was stoked, because I thought it was a new addition to the classes at the gym, but alas they were "just trying it out". They said maybe there would be another before the holidays. Oh. Boy. Big. Deal. So, I'll be going to gym till the membership runs out. (pretty sure we have 6 months left) and we will NOT be renewing, strictly because of the cash. I can workout at home. I have some fab DVD's I haven't even tried yet. I'm excited to dive into them. I will be working out tonight, and also getting some housework done while the hubs is off at rehearsal. I know he loves the show he is in, but I will be super happy to get him back home in the evenings. We are like ships passing in the night during the week.

UI woke up Sunday morning feeling like I did 4 weeks ago. Sick. Chest, nose congested, almost no voice to speak of (no pun intended), coughing. Had to skip out on church and choir, cause I felt terrible. I'm tired of being sick. I know I should probably go back to the doc, but I don't want to go in, pay another co-pay, for them to tell me it's just a lingering cold. Besides, I honestly don't even know when I would have the time to go.

Anyway, that is my real life update. Nothing spectacular to blog land, but lots for me.

*** (For anyone who is "wondering": no - I'm NOT pregnant!! LOL)

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Friday, November 4, 2011

Forks Over Knives

I watched this documentary that was just released in September called Forks Over Knives. It goes into the science and studies of a plant based, whole food diet, and how it can not only prevent diseases like cancer, heart disease, diabetes, but can actually reverse them in some cases. It was amazing to see these studies. For years they have watched to correlation between consumption on animal products and processed food with the massive amounts of deaths attributed to these diseases. So enlightening. Studying dietetics, we are taught the Department of Agricultures guidelines for the healthy diet of Americans. Even before seeing this documentary, I wondered about the manufacturers and corporate hand in what is "recommended". Are we recommending 3 servings of dairy because the dairy industry is involved in funding? Same for meat? I guess that could be pondered about with all the food groups. But this documentary shed more light on this issue. On a commitee of 11 people who made the decisions for the new MyPyramid, 6 of them had direct corporate agreements with manufacturers like Kraft, Beef association, Dairy industry, etc. Conflict of interest much? I feel strongly about doing more research into this way of life, and also on the influence of different corporations on the decisions of the dietary guidelines.

Ok, I'm off my soap box... For now.

Tomorrow morning, 8:00 workout. Teaching, and then family time. This is going to be an informative weekend... I think decisions will be made...

Just Sayin'

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Things are moving fast around here...
It's amazing how things can go from "status quo" to "holy shit" so fast.
This "holy shit" is a good thing, I think... but stressful non-the-less.
Will update when things are more... confirmed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Day 2 of detoxing after my horrific weekend. My tummy has recovered, and I am eating well - very clean. Lots of water. Only super whole, healthy grains, veggies, lean meats. I made an awesome white bean and chicken chili. Totally clean. Full of veggies, ground chicken breast, cannellini beans... really great.

No candy, although it's EVERYWHERE. No sugar. I find myself thinking "just one "fun size" is no big deal"... oh, the lies I tell myself. No I will not be having "just one".

How quickly I forget what pain I was in yesterday. How terrible I felt. Maybe it was a little tummy bug, but I prefer to think of it as a wake-up call.


I restarted tracking my food. Yesterday, tracking was a moot point, because all I could stomach was some water, tea, and later some kashi cereal. Total? Probably around 300 cals. Today is much more like normal, and my levels (protein, carbs, fiber, fat, calories) are all where I like to see them. I have plenty of calories left over for a nice, high protein dinner with a salad, and I'll be good.

Took Thing 1 and Thing 2 trick-or-treating. Thing 1 did well. He was polite. Said "thank you" and "Happy Halloween" and didn't put up a fuss when we headed home. He filled his small bucket with treats. He can have one piece, after dinner, each night. He'll forget about it within a few days and we will toss the rest. Wasteful? Maybe. But better in the garbage than in my belly. Thing 2 just went along for the walk. They were both so ridiculously cute in their costumes!

I'm considering going back to OA. I have tried it before, and I liked it, but I couldn't get out of my addiction at that point. I was still "using" and I couldn't foresee ever giving it up. Obviously, there was a denial aspect going on at that time in my life. I feel I am in a better place, but now I am having difficulty finding meetings near me. I'm going to keep searching, though. Part of me thinks "oh yeah, ok, put ONE more thing on the schedule" and well... that voice is kinds right. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'll work on it.

Today is the first day of registration for next semester. I worked my butt off last week to get everything cleared up so I could register and get into the coveted bio class I need that is ALWAYS full. I jump on this morning - and low and behold. It's full. Crap. So, I e-mailed my advisor and asked if there was a class I could take in its place. I get an e-mail back... my advisor, the genius that she is, had RESERVED half the bio class for her students(AKA: ME!)! NICE! No wonder it looked full! So, I will have a place in that class next semester, no fighting needed. Sweet!

I have been really dreading starting the science classes for my degree, but I am really starting to feel a lot more confident that I can handle it. I didn't do really well in HS in science (yes, that's the last time I took a science class!) But that was a long time ago. I am so passionate about what I am doing; I will do what is needed to move forward!

Some random things:
~my mom is super sick. Like, in bed, can't move kind of sick. Very rare for her. Worried.
~We sold my Mimas house. It been on the market a little while now. She passed almost 11 months ago. It's really hard. There are so many sweet memories in that house. I miss her so much.

Ok, that's all for now. Ciao, Bella!

Monday, October 31, 2011

cast the stones

Sitting at work, feeling sick as sick can be.

My stomach is hurting, my head, my whole body. I feel weak and tired.

I'm also whiney. Sorry.

I don't know if my stomach pain is from a little bug, or from the total and utter destruction I wrought upon it this weekend. Seriously. On a scale of 1-10 (treating your body with care and respect - total abandonment of all that is healthy and nutritious) I was a 10. Total. Abandonment.

Something funny is, when I overeat, or binge on the wrong foods, in the moment, I feel as though I am "treating" myself. I'm "giving" myself something. In actuality, it is SO the opposite. I am MIStreating my body. It's working SO hard to process the garbage I put in it. It spikes and then crashes my blood sugar, resulting in the ultimate sick feeling. I feel, well, awful.

Where is the wiring crossed that makes me feel, for even a moment, that I am doing anything good for my body when I do this?

Hm. I think I may have just answered my own question. It's not my body I am "treating". It's my mind. The sugar feeds my addiction. My mind and psyche screams out for more. And dammit, I gave it more. Much more than I ever should have.

But I allowed it. Or rather, I allowed the walls to crumble down. I allowed the addiction to take over.

But, I will not feel guilty over this. Feeling guilty is simply perpetuating the cycle. Been there, done that. I will move on. I will listen to the pain I have put my body through. I will heed what my BODY needs and not what my MIND wants.


It's Halloween. I'm not even close to thinking about eating candy because, frankly, the thought makes me want to vomit. Yes. Delightful. I'll bring Thing 1 (who is a Ghost Sheriff) around to a few houses in our area. I'll carry the cutie little Thing 2 in his Dino costume along to get some air, but getting candy for him is totally ridiculous. Have you ever seen adults who walk around with infants, holding open a big sack for candy? Really? Is that kid gonna eat that? Prolly not. Well, I HOPE not! The adult is going home and raiding that bag. I will NOT be that person.

I'm sipping on tea, just trying to get through the day. It kinda feels like a hangover, except no alcohol was involved. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

Still have no internet, phone or cable at home from the fall Nor'easter that whipped through here. Thank you God, we have power. I am grateful. But, I prolly won't be able to update till tomorrow.

You can feel free to cast the stones. I suck.

Friday, October 28, 2011

well, that's life.

Ok, Ok... I give. I'm posting.

First, thanks for the shout-outs on my last post. I guess everyone, at one point or another, feels under confident. I swear sometimes I feel like I am schizophrenic. When I am up, I am flying, and when I am down, I come crashing. I guess I'm just dramatic like that. Sue me.

I'm hanging on by my artificial finger nails. No good reason. I haven't been "terrible" but I haven't been "great". No exercise this week to speak of. I'm not expecting a gain on Sunday, but if I have a loss, it will be small.

But, I just keep going. I know everything changes, and I am contemplating a big change for myself. Something I wasn't going to do for a while. Something that people will be upset by. Something that will take planning. But ultimately, something that will help me regain some SANITY in my life.
It will cause upheaval, so I have to think on it more.

The hubs and I are going through some stuff. Nothing earth-shattering. I'm sure it's stuff every couple goes through. We are working on it, but it's making me a little blue. However, we are lucky enough to have a date night tonight. Kids going to Grandmas and Pop-Pops, which means we can even sleep past 5AM tomorrow. Woot!

Anyway... that's pretty much it in my boring life. I feel like I am way too busy to not be exciting, yet, here I am!

Tomorrow is supposed to be yucky weather - snow and rain, wind, very cold. The kids and I will be stuck hanging around the house while the hubs goes off to play "Olivander" in A Halloween at Hogwarts. This is a great even put on at our local library and our theater company was asked to come in and portray the Hogwarts "Teachers". They are having lots of fun with it. I wasn't able to because:
1. I am already insane enough as it is, and
2. SOMEONE needs to be with our children.

So, there it is.

*sigh* ok. Posting this weekend will help keep me accountable for my actions, so I will be back.

**ETA: My in-laws just bailed on babysitting. So, no date. Fan-Freakin-tastic. **

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm a fraud?

Coming through a sucky day emotionally. Sitting and thinking about my pitiful attitude today, I start thinking about confidence. That was my nose dive issue today. I start to feel like a big fraud. A faker. A liar. How could I ever go out into the world and help people lose weight when I have such a hard time keeping myself going? Why would anyone wanna listen to ME?
So, that leads me to wonder about my self confidence and how I just had this conversation with the hubs yesterday. Except I was talking to HIM about HIS lack of self confidence and feeling of self worth. Then here I am today, plummeting into the gutter.
When I think of strong, high self confidence, I think of my trainer at Bodyology, Christa. She is the essence of confidence and strength. Something not working? Easy. Change it. Body not responding the way you want? Easy. Work it harder. All these things are totally correct. But she makes them appear effortless. I have no reservations about following her to the end of the earth and back, because her self confidence draws me to her. Wonder if she has ever doubted herself. Ever. I wish I could work with her all the time. If I had the cash, I would make the time. She doesn't just change bodies, she changes attitudes and confidence.
Hey Christa, if you're reading - need an intern or something? I'll mop up sweat, or whatever else you need for a chance to work out in class few times a week! :-)
Don't get me wrong. These sweat sessions are worth EVERY CENT plus more... But, as they say, you can't get blood from a stone.
So. Where do you find lost self confidence? I guess you have to just dig around and find it yourself. No one is going to do it for you. I know it sounds whiny, but sometimes I wish someone would! lol
I've been trying to do little things that make me feel good about myself. I went and got my nails done for the first time in about 10 years. This morning, took the time to straighten my hair. I put on a little more makeup an normal. But, what's funny is by the end of today, I felt like a mess. The hair was a wreck, makeup half off... So, I found myself wondering why I put in the effort. Maybe its just not "me" to do these things. How can you go from feeling good and confident in the morning to a shoddy, fraudy mess in the afternoon?
I confuse myself.
So, for real, do all people go through this? Am I really crazy? It's ok, you can tell me if I am!

Friday, October 21, 2011

More psyche revelations: Warning: Nutty content

I, very inexplicably and unintentionally, may have just figured out at least ONE of my issues with my self-sabotaging behavior.
I am sitting here at my desk, thinking (yes, again) about how close I am to "ONEderland" and I immediately started thinking about the candy in the bosses office.
Um. why?
Then, I found myself thinking "well, I will inevitably slip up when I get into onederland, and I may even see the dreaded "2" at the beginning of my number again... so why bother?"
There it is folks. It's the fear of "getting there" and then "leaving there"
It's much worse to get to a goal, and then screw up and lose it, than to never get there at all.... or so my psyche seems to think.
What if I get to my ultimate goal, and I rebound up like a yo-yo? So what, I can reminisce about "that one time I was in ONEderland?"
OMG that would be horrible.
I remember when I lost about 60 lbs in college (starving myself, by the way) and I thought "I will NEVER be that big again!" And yet, I was. I gained all the way back to where I started and put on 65 additional! It was the biggest shame of my life to look at pictures of myself when I graduated college (I'm smaller now, BTW) and to see the way I had let myself become.
I can't stand to feel ashamed.
So there is it folks. I never saw myself as someone who was afraid of succeeding because I am more afraid of failing afterwards (Gosh, does this even make sense??) but here I am.
Now the perpetual question: What do I do about it?
Well, right now, I have to fight against it a bit. The fear makes me want to eat off my plan. It will also make me cry when I get on the scale Sunday morning and I don't see what I am expecting/what I want.
So, I need to pick a direction:

I think you know which way I am going to KEEP going. It's interesting that this "answer" suddenly just popped up. But, living is about learning. And I just keep learning over and over that I'm a nut job.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Sabotage and Addiction

Wow, I can't believe it's already Thursday. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy about that. Today does seem to be dragging.

I am continuing to remind myself "one day at a time, one pound at a time" and it is still working for me. It's hard to stay in that mind set, when I am SOOO CLOSE to a HUGE goal of mine of being under 200lbs. This morning (yes, I peaked) I was 201.4. Yes. I'm THAT close. Usually that is when my self-sabotage starts up. I really, honestly don't know why that happens. So, today, more so than days previous, I am finding myself taking things a *moment* at a time. Moving away from my self-sabotaging ways is hard. I know that sounds totally backwards - and trust me, I think it IS backwards, but I have just had to make peace with how my brain and psyche works and work WITH it rather than AGAINST it.

So, I saw THIS article on Yahoo a few days ago.

Some of my buddies have been chatting about it on Facebook... But I haven't seen any mention of it in any of the blogs I follow. I actually found that funny, since I follow almost strictly weight loss blogs. This trainer is purposely making himself obese. When I first heard about this guy, I thought he was doing it to "prove" that it was “easy" to take the weight off, or something like that. However, that does not seem to be the case. Apparently, he is putting it on so that he can feel what his clients feel like and can work with them more effectively. Of course, he has a plan for taking it all off again. In the article, he mentions that he already feels "addicted" to many of the fatty and sugary foods he is consuming.

Now, part of me says "wow. That is pretty amazing. He really wants to serve the obese community by giving himself first hand education on being obese"... then there is this other part of me. The part that says "if this was a drug and alcohol counselor who decided to become a druggy for a while so he could experience what his clients feel like, how would I feel about that?" Well, I would think he was totally insane.

So, how closely do we equate the "addiction" of food/sugar and the "addiction" of drugs and alcohol? There are studies that show that sugar specifically triggers the same chemicals in the body and brain as hard core drugs. But, is it doing the same amount of damage? Well, anything is excess can cause damage, especially over time.

That same part of me looks at how HARD this is to do. How much SO many people STRUGGLE everyday, and I think "Dude, why are you DOING this to yourself??? ON PUROPOSE??"

So, the answer is, I am torn about this guy. His blood pressure is already dangerously high, and he still has 4 more weeks to "gain". I am dying to hear what you guys think.

Monday, October 17, 2011

One Day at a Time Success

*Whew*. OK I finally have a moment to update things. Of course, I'm at work, and I should be, you know, WORKING, but I'm taking a mental break for a few.

First - the weigh in - DOWN 7 POUNDS.

Holy Crap-ola.

Between a great plan, and the idea of taking one day at a time, one pound at a time, this is working for me.

I'm back to work today after being out almost a whole week. There is food everywhere. Home made pumpkin bread, fudge cookies, big salty pretzels, candy all over. I haven't touched any of it. It only takes a little for me to fling myself off the binging cliff.

No flinging for me today. Just for today. Tomorrow, I will tell myself the same thing.

All day at work has tuckered me out. I could take a nap right on my desk, but I think the boss would frown on that, so I will refrain.

Yesterday was my cousins baby shower. She is having a baby girl, and it will be the first baby girl on either side of the family for like, 10 years. Needless to say, I indulged in some pink frilly clothing for her, and warned her there would be more to come.

I was nervous going to the shower. I still fight the feeling that people are watching me eat, wondering what I'm eating... and whether is "good" or "bad" they talk about it. That feeling is NOT quelled by some people who, regardless of what I am eating find it "interesting" to say things like "oohh, can you eat that??" - oooh soooo well intentioned.

Ok, besides being a mental freak show, I calmly got up in line for the buffet. I surveyed the table. Salad - first thing. Perfect. Next, roasted veggies... SCORE. Then.. potatoes, rolls, pasta, chicken, beef... hmmm...which looked the least fattening? Well, no potatoes or pasta or rolls... so, I took 1/2 a spoon of the beef dish and filled my whole plate with veggies. Nice. I mean, I felt SO good walking back to my seat with this lunch plate in hand. I had avoided all of my obvious pit-falls. I was proud.

I felt healthy and awesome. And it was DELISH.

I'm a little concerned for the hubs. His eating has not been great. He's been very, very stressed. I understand that, totally, but I worry about him too. We talked about it today, and I *think* he understands where I am coming from. His Dad had a heart attack in his 30's, and he wasn't even heavy! Thank God he survived it and is well now...but, with genes like that, plus eating poorly... I don't want to think about it. But I don't want to be left alone raising 2 boys either.

I think about all those times when I was morbidly obese that people tried to talk to me. To tell me they were worried about me. I didn't want to know. I ate out of rebellion toward them. I don't want hubby to fall into that feeling. It's sucky.

Anyway. I should get back to working. *sigh* (repeating: I am blessed to have a job, I am blessed to have a job, I am blessed to have a job)

Later, peeps!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I don't know about all of you, but the weekends are super tough to stay in control of. I remember back in the day when the hubs and I used to make weekend plans based on where we were going to eat. We would eat out or order in probably all weekend long. That was a long time ago, but. The habits of wanting to indulge out on the weekends still linger.
These are the battles so many of us face. So many times I have given in to those "oh, its just for today" temptations... Adding thousands of calories to my plan in just one day.
Well, though I felt tempted to get a mocha at Starbucks, I got a cup of tea. No snack. No junk food pick up when we stopped at Target for diapers and birthday cards. No lunch out. I stayed the course. Maintained my focus. I am very proud.
I am battling a little this evening as well. As we relax (rare) I crave some mindless eating. So, I talk to myself:
"are you actually hungry?"
"you are at your calorie limit for today. Just relax. Wait and have that snack/food tomorrow"
Talking to myself, telling myself to stay relaxed has really been working well for me. I find I get anxious about food that I "can't" have... And that anxiousness makes me want to eat even more. Oh, the mind of a food/sugar addict is never boring, kids.
Anyway, the idea of taking one day at a time, one pound at a time is helping as well. Tomorrow morning is weigh in, but I am just concentrating on finishing out today totally on plan. Tomorrow, my attitude will be the same - just one day at a time.
Speaking of tomorrow, I am going to my cousins baby shower. Parties are always tough, because you never know what's going to be there to eat. I'll be leaving the house at about 10:30 and probably won't return till late afternoon. The good news about this is my cousin is a very healthy eater, so it would be very shocking if there wasn't salad and lean protein. I am sure. I will have some healthy, on plan choices, but I will work very hard to stay away from the other options that will not help me achieve my goals. I think I will be talking to myself a lot tomorrow. Lol
I will post my weigh in tomorrow. I hope it's as good as I anticipate.
How is everyone else faring? Keeping focused?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Winning! Well, mostly...

Yes, I'm sorry, I am going to bitch just a little more about being sick. I can't believe how horrible I feel. My throat hurts so badly, when I cough I expect there to be blood (there is not). Ok, I know that's a little TMI, but I haven't been sick like this is so long, and I'm just tired of being in constant pain.
Ok, bitching is done. I thought I would try and get it out in the first few moments and then move on.
I am eating fantastically on plan. My workouts are still lacking, and it's because I am sick. I know that is not an excuse. There are many people out there a whole lot worse off than I that are working out like machines. I'm going to get my act together on the workout front. I am planning on doing at LEAST a long walk tomorrow, and I am going back to Tuff Girl on Saturday morning. My big goal is to start running again. Now that I have figured out how to keep my heel happy after a high intensity workout, I really feel like I can start running again safely.
I have taken a peak at the scale, and I am very happy so far. Weigh in is officially Sunday, so I will update then.
I was thinking about how I haven't been sick in soooooooo long. I really think it has to do with the amount of stuff I am involved with right now. I work a full time job, and part time job. I am in school part time. I am involved with church and church choir. I am co founder of a theater company. I workout 3-4 times a week. I have 2 small kids. Im trying to keep up with sll thehousework, grocery shopping..ect. Every time I go over it all in my head, thinking that something has to give, I simply can't figure out anything to let go. What a busy girl to do? Suck it up, I guess. I am lucky to have all of these things. I am incredibly blessed to be working, to have a family... I am so grateful.
I'm going to work tomorrow. I have to at least try... Even though my voice is still very weak, and I don't know how much work I can do without it. But I can't sit home another day. I'll go nutty! Oh, thatsanother thing I am super grateful for...a boss and coworkers who are understanding and caring. That is a HUGE blessing!
I just realized. This post is a little disjunt. Sorry about that. I'm headed to bed and praying I will wake up to a painless working throat!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The streak continues!

Yes, that's right! I am doing SO well with my eating! I keep telling myself "one day at a time, one pound at a time." I'm not thinking about Sunday weigh in, I'm not thinking about January 1st, I'm just thinking about TODAY only. Today, I am on plan. Tomorrow, I will tell myself the same thing.
Unfortunately, the sickness continues. I went to my local urgent care center this morning, because my throat is so sharply sore, I thought there must have been something they could do for me. Nope. It's viral, and no meds will help. I can only take tylenol, and it doesn't work on this pain. So warm and cold liquids are in abundance. It's good all the way around. I hate missing work. I can't afford to miss work, but I also can't talk. At all. No joke. I have absolutely no voice. And calling patients and having no voice don't mix.
The kids went off to school/daycare this morning, so I thought I would have today to actually rest and begin to feel better. About an hour after I got home from urgent care, the phone rang. Daycare. Sam was running a temp. He wasn't himself, crying a lot. So, I went off to get my little one. When they don't feel well, I was them home with me. I want to be taking care of them. so, right now he's napping. My little honey perked right up when I walked in to get him.
I was a little aggravated last night. I dragged myself to class (which was a mistake, because I felt horrible after) and I come home to the house messy and nothing around here done at all. At that point, I felt so awful I didn't care, and the hubs directed me up to bed and made me tea. However, I just don't think it's too much to ask to have some help around here, especially when I'm not feeling well. When I ask, you'd think I was asking him don an apron and get down on his hands and knees and start scrubbing. Um, I would really just like him to run a load of laundry and maybe take out the trash. Is that too much? No, no it's not. Especially when I usually take care of it.
Ok, well, I'm going to go make lunch for my little Sammy Bear. It's veggie soup for me. Later.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Almost 8:00 and I am right on plan. This may seem like a big "duh" to you reading out there, but for me, it's awesome. It's moving forward.
I got in all my liquids, and ate on plan even in the midst of some BIG temptations. I mean, serious. I did a lot of talking to myself. Looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what I really, really want. A moment of gorging on sugar, or to reach my goal?
I made a choice. I choose me. I choose the goals I have been striving for for 3 years. I choose health and life and strength.
I am very proud, and sitting with the others emotions that are cropping up. Sometimes when I am craving sugar and I make the decision not to give in, I get angry. So, I am sitting with that anger, letting it process.
I am super sick, which sucksssss. Bad chest cold that my little Sammy and I are sharing. (he's so generous!). This sucky cold has grounded me from my workout for tonight, and tonight ONLY. I am going to spend some time with a hot shower, Tylenol, tea, and my pillow.
I can't say enough (yes, again) how grateful I am to all of the people out there who shared the love with me. Being sick, coming across stress and temptation would have surely done me in today. But all of the good vibes being directed my way did miracles. It helped me find myself again. Thank you, thank you.
Ok, I'm going to get some rest. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking it one day and one pound at a time.

I am in awe...

Wow... I mean... wow.
I cannot thank you all enough for the love, especially Allan who so incredible posted This blog about ME. For someone to take the time to help me get support and love... It means so much to me. I couldn't believe when I popped on here this morning and I had so much love on my last post. All of your support has been INSTRUMENTAL in my really feeling good about where I am right now and I where I am going.
It's hard to see my progress when I feel so stuck. I have to take the time and look back at where I came from. Not just the weight loss, but the strength, stamina, fitness and HEALTH I have gained. I am gained YEARS of life for myself - for my kids - for my family.
I am SO on board today. I am riding high on all the positive energy being directed my way. You guys are amazing.
Consider these bootstraps PULLED.
I have a super painful chest cold... the only thing that doesn't hurt going down is hot liquids - so, I'm living on tea, protein coffee, and soup today.
Probably also helpful in clearing out the system a little.
I went back to Tuff Girl on Saturday and pushed through one of the hardest workouts I have ever done. Yesterday, my whole body hurt to move. Today, my lower body is screaming with every step.
What a way to get back in the game.
Tonight will be some core work, maybe some upper body and a LOT of stretching... to get these sore muscles working again.
I've gotten the hubs on board with Allan's hardcore challenge menu. I'm liking the structure of it. And making it for all of us (kids included) will be much easier than doing it for me, and something different for them.
I'm at work for now, but the way I am feeling I may go home early. We will see how the day goes.
It's my co-workers birthday, and 3 other co-workers brought in sweets to "celebrate". Is everyones office like this?? Every possibility for celebration is taken, and it's done with FOOD. But honestly, I am feeling so good, I am not even interested in what's being put out. Keeping with my coffee and water for now.
Ok. I'm out for now. Thanks again to EVERYONE who took the time to say hello and help me through this time. You are all AMAZING.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Coming Clean

Coming clean. It's hard. I feel like I've been in a slow decline. I fight and fight to gain ground, and I slip in my own stupidity.

Unfortunately, it's not my WEIGHT going down... it's my spirits and my will.

I have NO excuses. I have only myself to blame. It's obviously up to ME to make this happen. NO ONE is doing it for me.

Soooo.... why am I not doing it?

I couldn't tell you. I have no idea.

How can I possibly expect to help people with their weight loss battle when I can't conquer my own?

After my surgery, the best thing I experienced was not my weight loss. It was the freedom of being off the yo-yo cycle. Not thinking about food. Just going on with my daily life, eating what I knew to eat, and nothing else. It was SO freeing. It felt amazing.

I just want that feeling back again. I want to be free. I want to just eat what I know to eat, and be done with it.

I am obsessing. I am stressing. It's awful.

I was going to quit my challenge, because I feel like I am letting my fellow challengers down, and especially out leader, Allan. I was told there are NO QUITTERS. And it made me feel better. Because, I can't quit. I can't quit the challenge, I can't quit exercising and tracking and TRYING.

I can never ever quit trying.

Tomorrow morning I am going to my amazing, beloved Tuff Girl Bootcamp. I am SO excited to go there and sweat my whining out. I need a good, whippin', apparently! And, I have a feeling I'll get it tomorrow morning.

I will never stop trying. I will never quit. I can't be "that" WLS person who gains all their weight back.

I will never be the IFG again.

I'll be here, complaining updating this weekend on how the hell I am going to get my shit moving again.

Advise. Smack-downs, support, all accepted.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Just pretend this is a witty title.

Woh... I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm still here! I promise!
Aside from a crappy day yesterday, the Triple Dog Dare Challenge is going well. I really screwed up yesterday. I don't really know why, and here's the thing - it didn't even taste good. It didn't do anything for me. Yet, I did it anyway. Talk about not being worth it.
This past weekend was very stressful. The hubs and I were faced with a very unexpected and serious situation. It turned everything upside down. (No, no one is hurt or sick!! Thank you, God!)
Yesterday we found out this "scare" was fine. For the time being, it's nothing to worry about. However, the intense pressure and stress released yesterday and my insides felt like jello.
There have been so many little incidences I have had and thought "I am totally gonna blog about this!" And then time passes and I don't. But I am here to tell you that yes, I am on the horse. I am taking my weight loss 10 lbs at a time, and no more. I am drinking at least 92 oz of water a day (I've gotten 80 in so far today) and I am walking my butt off every chance I get. It's not my beloved Tuff Girl workouts. It's not my TurboFire (But, that's coming back, baby!) But it's moving, and that is what I have to do now.
I'm craving some mental and emotional relaxation. I am trying to take moments and stop and breath... but I need more. Perhaps I can actually get in some yoga tonight, after class? I hope so. I really, really need it.
Feeling good about my eating today. I'm hungry right now, but I know that I am fueling myself. Eating super clean makes me feel light, and energetic. I love that feeling. So why is it that I have so often gone back to the junk, which makes me feel SO disgusting? *sigh*
I have made a comparison in my head: Sugar (the added kind, not fruit kind) is like little shards of glass. It's goes through your system into your blood stream, and like glass does, it nicks and cuts up your insides. Your intestines, your arteries... fat (the saturated kind) is, well, like gobs of slime. It slips through your insides, and goops up your arteries. It prevents those little sugar cuts from healing up. Then comes the free-radicals we are exposed to daily: pollution, smoke, radiation... those along with the damage we are doing to our bodies with sugar and fat (AND not enough of the antioxidants, or the free-radical-fighting-stuff, like fruits and veggies)guess what happens? They invade the damage caused by our overeating the sugar and the fat.
And we get Cancer.
And we Die.
Anyone really going to argue, along with all the other death-inducing illness that our obesity brings us, that being fat is deadly?
So when my buddy Allan refers to treating your fat like you would treat cancer, he's RIGHT folks.
This kind of perspective helps when I am faced with a sugary adversary. I imagine that sugar making it's merry way through my body, cutting it to ribbons. Allowing free radicals to invade that damage is KILLING ME.
That caramel corn isn't NEALRY as appetizing after that.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"If you are sick of starting over, you have to STOP QUITTING"

I had a rough day yesterday, due to what turned out to be my very first migrane. Woh. Holy crap. I ended up leaving work early and going home to lie down. I had to go to class, because I had an assignment due, so I got through that, and finally, after sleeping last night, it is gone. *whew*!
I'm workin' the TDD challenge. Yesterdays horrible headache made me want to reach for the comfort food. So, last night, I made myself a list of WHY I am doing this. It seems I can forget those reasons ALL too easily, and drown out that voice with the one that says "You'll NEVER get there! Just GIVE IT UP!".
Here are SOME of the things on my list... some other things are just for *my* eyes...
Why I continue on my path to weight loss, health, and wellness
- I have come TOO FAR to give up so close to my dream goal.
- I am be a positive influence on my kids
- I FEEL GOOD and STRONG when I am eating well and moving my body
- I want to treat my body well

These are just a few. I made a lengthy list and I am keeping it on me all the time. When my brain starts the inevitable battle, I can refer to it and regain my sanity.
I have 2 quotes inspiring me today. I printed them out and hung them in my little cubicle at work so I can see them all day:

"If you are sick of starting over, you have to STOP QUITTING"

"The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach".

That's all for now!

Monday, September 26, 2011


Day one of the Triple Dog Dare Challenge. Now, I have said in the past that I don't do well with "challenges". I start to feel pressure and go way off the wagon. However, this challenge is different. I'm not competing with anyone but MYSELF. The group I'm in this with is not fighting each other for any kind of prize - we are working together for the BEST prize - awesome weight loss, fitness and HEALTH.

The challenge begins today and ends in 90 some-odd days. That's right. We are going to plow through Halloween (take your candy corn and toss it) Thanksgiving (I'll have some delicious turkey - 2 oz on some whole wheat bread and a big salad, maybe a baked apple!) and YES, even Christmas (no sugar plums here!)

The plan is "easy". It's straight forward. It is what it is, with no refined sugar (which, as you know, is a good thing for me!), and with all the healthy food groups accounted for. Will staying on the plan be "easy"? No, it won't be. Just like it's not "easy" to stay on any other plan. But,
I CAN do it. I WILL do it. And so will 18 other souls.

Say good bye 206 - 175, here I come.

Whatever plan you are on. Whatever makes sense to you - I TRIPLE DOG DARE you to do it, without cheats (meals, days, whatever) for 90 days. You WILL lose weight. Drink tons of fluid, and stay your course. Move your body, stick to the plan. It WILL WORK! It's not a miracle - it's SCIENCE!

Ok, I'm off to refill my water - let's DO THIS PEOPLE!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

*ommmm, ommmm*

Ok. I am much calmer today. Partially because we have come to an agreement for care of my Sammy Bear. My little punkin. My little Angel.
Ok, I'll stop, but he's just so freakin cute!
So, that is resolved (mostly) and we can resume our previously scheduled programming.

Eating front: pretty good, especially considering my tendancy to emotionally eat. The only thing I have been lax on is my water intake, which I am taking care of today (along with about 100 trips to the bathroom. I know, TMI)

Super hungry today. Sticking with all of my packed food, except one banana I went and bought in the cafe. Tons of water.

I can't wait to re-establish a workout routine. I've fallen out of the habit a little. I am still walking up a storm, but walking only gets you so far.

Munchy meeting today. Gonna really stick it out without the treats.

Listening to some calming music today. I need a mental break, and it's very soothing. Trying to breath through any negative thoughts and cravings. It works. Try it. "Be strong. Write it, work it out, just don't eat it... deep breath in...ommmmmm.... ommmmm...."

I just keep telling myself these things. It may seems funny or silly to some of you. But I am working through my sugar sensitivity to the best of my ability.

That's all for now. I am out of words...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Freakin' Mad

I am under a lot of pressure right now regarding child care. My main sitter for Sam (3 days per week) cannot do it anymore. To add him into daycare full time would ADD over $500 a month - yes, this is ON TOP of the over $1300 I pay ALREADY for Josh and Sam to go.
Let's be honest. $1300 for me is so difficult, the prospect of another $500 is laughable.
This is sometimes what happens when you use family to help care for your kids. This is what happens when you trust someone who, when you approach them and say "the only way I can go back to work is if you can do XYZ" and they agree, that it obviously is just until something more important comes along.
Feakin awesome.
I have no idea what to do about this. I am truly at a loss. It would be one thing if Josh was not in pre-school, going into kindergarten next year. He HAS to be in school. Sam, well, it's only 13 months, so he doesn't HAVE to be there yet. But if I could just say, "ok, fine. I'll take them out of school and stay home with them" it would be different. But I can't do that with Josh.
I already have 2 jobs, go to school and co-run a theater company... I can't get another job. Hubby can't get another job, because when I am working my 2nd job, he is with the kids.
I am at such a loss, and hubby doesn't even want to talk about it right now. It's ALL I want to talk about, because I am freaking out. Big time.
So, after this little news gift, I started eating my lunch. Soup. I decided a little roll was in order with my soup. So, I went upstairs. I walk into the cafe... and I'm thinking "I'm gonna cave, and I don't care. I'm so stressed. I'll start over tomorrow... I'm gonna cave"
I was walking toward my fav cafe binge food (crunchy praelines) and I stopped. I walked over, grabbed a small whole wheat roll, paid my 50 cents and left.
I should have felt triumphant. I should have felt proud.
But all I feel is MAD.

I'm MAD that I can't lean on my sugar right now. I am MAD I can't feel better, even just for a few moments in my sugar bliss.
I'm f%&king mad.
where do I go with all this freakin anger?? Where do I go with my stress?? Where can I put it if I can't EAT IT????

Monday, September 19, 2011

The journey

I know my last post was mopey and sour - sorry for that. It really was upsetting to think I would have to stay flabby forever - constantly working to stay the same. No amount of strength training is going to tighten up this flab. Trust me. If I get brave one day, I'll post pics of my bat wings... I could seriously take flight.
I am going to appeal to my insurance company. I will wait a few months, lose more weight and revisit the doctor for new pictures. Hopefully it will work.
My eating is in a great place right now. Not that I'm not struggling some (with the home made coffee crumb cake sitting next to my desk) but I am feeling empowered about being sugar free. I don't feel sucked into food, and I am feeling *less* consumed by it.
The scale is showing the results of this work. But I will not post a loss until I am at a new lowest weight. I will NOT sabatoge myself this time. It's done. Enough, now.
I have come to the conclusion that I can't just have a little sugar. It never stops there. It might stop there one day, but then the next day there must be more, and more, and more till I am days/weeks into sugar sugar sugar everyday throughout the day. Feeling out of control. Telling myself "tomorrow will be better" "tomorrow I'll start again".
No more.
Hubby said maybe someday I'll be able to have some sugar and feel ok. I dunno. Maybe. I kind of compare it to an alcoholic who is sober for years and thinks they can have 1 beer.
Does that really happen? Probably not. Not without a whole lotta struggle to maintain control afterwards.
People who aren't sugar sensitive would have a hard time understanding this, I think. They may think that I am causing my mental consumption with sugar because I am depriving myself of it.
Look, our bodies don't need added sugars. I'm not depriving myself of any nutritional value. In fact, when I am out of sugar I am eating whole foods. Veggies, protein, some whole fiberous grains and some fruit. I have dairy. I am eating well. And the facts are fact: When I stop eating sugar, I FEEL BETTER. I feel emotionally and mentally and physically better.
So, how can that be wrong?
Anyway... Working out has slowed way down. I am giving my heel and my mind a chance to rest. I've concentrated a lot this past week on my diet. I feel like I really want to move tonight, so I will do a video or something. Something fun, that gets me pumped and burns a ton of calories. I'm not doing it for the calorie burn, I am doing it because my body is craving the movement. When I feel very stable in my eating, I will find a workout routine that works for me and for where I am in my journey right now. It won't be everyday. It will probably be more along the lines of 3-4 days per week.
I think I was getting a *little* exercise obsessed... but I think it has to do with the idea that I was trying to "make up" for my sugared out self. Trying to burn off what I was consuming.
LOL. There was NO WAY I could have kept up with that!
So. Here we are. In a slightly different place, but moving along in the total right direction for me, for right now.
Where are you at right now? Do you feel like you're on a good path? Have you made any big changes recently?

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Found out my insurance denied my tummy tuck. I was told over and over that it would be covered - 160 lbs down, for crimminies sake!! But my "skin doesn't hang low enough" apparently.
Not sure what I'm going to do... maybe try to get down my final 30 and go back...maybe the skin will hang looser then...
It's very depressing. And it really makes me want to run up and get some sugar and chocolate laden something.
I feel defeated.
I feel I will never have the body I work so hard for.
Will I ever have piece of mind with large amounts of skin flapping around my body the rest of my life?
No. I can never feel confident about my body with all of this skin and excess just hanging.
Am I working for nothing? Am I working to...basically stay the same?
I am just so... sad. I know that sounds ridiculous. But I am.
That's all.

A beautiful post... PLEASE read

This is not weight loss related - specifically. But THIS POST is absolutly incredible. Please read it. Sit with it. Think about it.
What sign are YOU needing to wear today?
What sign can you see OTHERS wearing around you?
Our lives can be hard. But so can everyone elses.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost
To the many of you out there going through weight loss and sticking to a weight loss plan, this is an awesome quote.

Look, we are all going to have trials. We are all going to have a breaking moment - a moment where you can ride the wave of a craving, let it flow through and and let it go, or you can let it crash all around you and give in. The fact is, the only way you are going to be successful is by learning YOUR body and what is going to really work for it. Everyone is different.

Now don't take the advise to mean that you can fool yourself into believing that a "bite" of this and a "taste" of that all day long, all week long, is just what YOUR body needs. Really listen to yourself. We all know, deep down inside what we need. We all know the truth. Some choose to bury it deep and ignore it. Well, if you are going to make a lifestyle change, you have to bring that truth to the surface. Acknowledge it. Speak it outloud. Tell someone else your truth. Here is my truth:

I am a sugar addict.

Some of you may know what that entails, others may not. I'm not going to go into it right now. I KNOW my truth and what I have to do about it. I don't LIKE it, but knowing the truth MUST lead to fixing ourselves for the better. I won't hide behind my addiction. "Oh, I can't stop eating this because I am an ADDICT" Um, no. I work my way through it. I take responsibility. In the end, we all must take responsibility for our selves, for our bodies and the state they are in.

do this - lose FAT

Anything else will simply lead you to crashes and burns over and over. It's called yo-yo dieting, and all it's going to do is distroy your body and drive you insane.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Friday, September 9, 2011


"To be humble is to be grounded, to be from the earth, to be human, to be okay with being human. In a nutshell, it's accepting your wonderfully lovable imperfection.

It’s easy to hold images of perfection and project them into our lives. If we carry around idealized images of how life should unfold, how our growth out of overeating should unfold, how we should unfold, we create a very narrow space to succeed - and a very narrow space to feel good.

I invite you to embrace your humanity. Recognize that imperfection, having to work to change, and making mistakes is normal, acceptable, and okay. It creates a very gentle, forgiving space in which to unfold - which gives you a much greater chance to stop overeating."

- from Heal Overeating: Untangled,

Wow, I really needed to read something like this today, and there it was. I opened up a random e-mail I normally would have deleated, and it was there to greet me.
I've been having a hard time, mentally, lately. I'm sure you could tell from my last post. It started with some strange dreams that REALLY freaked me out, a lot of stress, some pain... and just kept spiraling until I felt so down, dark, and sad I didn't know what to do with myself... I still feel down. I still have a tired, hopeless feeling... however, I can feel myself getting a little lighter (mentally, not physically) and I hope it's the beginning of returning to a more positive place.
I have been stuck at this weight for a while. Up and down about 5 lbs or so. I have been exercising like a mad woman, but my eating has gotten poor again. I joined in with Allan and his troops, and I hung in there for a while, but I've been dragged back down (Sorry Allan!). My own fault, totally. You have to take responsibility for your own actions - positive AND negative. If I'm going to pat myself on the back when I succeed, I need to kick myself in the ass when I screw up.
But, what I need to do TODAY is forgive myself and move on. Forgiving yourself does NOT mean allowing the bad behavior to continue. It means not beating yourself up for the past, and moving on back to your healthier state. That is where I am at. Beating myself up only got me depressed - feeling like I was never going to get past this hump. THAT only perpetuated my behavior. I will NOT fall back into the cycle.
Yeah, yeah - I'll talk to my shrink ALL about this! LOL
Anyway, I'm still here. I'm making my way slowly but surely back up the great big hill of healthy eating and exercise. I will get back to the top and I will work hard to stay there. Even though I feel tired now. Even though I feel beaten, I will not stay beaten.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

leavin'...on a jet plane...

Ever feel like you are alone, even when you are surrounded? Ever feel like no one can hear you, even though you are screaming? Ever feel like a failure? A nothing? A no-body? Useless? Worthless? Bad? Wrong? Guilty?

Yea. Me too.

And I really, really hate it.

Sometimes I want to run away somewhere. I would hop a plane and go to Seattle. I would call my brother from the Seattle airport and say "hey! Come pick me up!" and I would hide. I would hide away and I would pretend I didn't exist. That I had no responsibility, no worries, no failures - because I just wouldn't exist.


Then I wake up in reality. I would miss my boys (all 3 of them) WAY too much to leave them. I can't disappear and not leave them at the same time, so... here I am. Still screaming and not being heard - not even knowing how to express myself sometimes. Still surrounded by this amazing, unconditional love from my husband and my boys and my family... and feeling alone.

I'm not perfect. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far from it. Things will never be what I want them to be, where I want them to be. I'm so tired of trying.