Tuesday, December 31, 2013

NYE 2013

I’m looking back on the the year and I am thinking about how much has changed. Most of it is for the
better. I had my surgery this year; I’ve also fluctuated in weight this year. I
have learned (even more so than before) that I can’t trust people so easily. I
started lifting heavy this year. I’ve begun to really unravel my disordered
eating, making some really big strides in my stress and anxiety level regarding
food. I have had 2 more successful semesters at school, and I will be honored
to have a case study I worked on this semester submitted as student work to the
Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

This time of year is especially full of diet dogma. It’s all
over. Every “diet” is “THE ONE”. The miracle that everyone is seeking. Most of
it has to do an awful lot with being really hungry, ignoring your own body’s
cues and needs, and then shaming yourself when you “fail”.

I don’t advertise for any particular way of eating. Eyes on
your own plate and to each his own, etc. I just know that for ME – I was tired
of “failing”. It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t failing, I just wasn’t
being MYSELF. I was trying to be someone else. Follow someone else’s “rules”,
in order to be “perfect”.

Fuck that. I am SO NOT perfect.

And now, finally, I am working super hard to be HAPPY with

It’s SUCH a learning curve to actually start LISTENING to my
body, instead of ignoring it and trying to stuff it into a mold it didn’t want
to go into.

Now, I’m finding my very own mold J

For the first New Years in I don’t know HOW long, I could
care less about what I eat tonight. And that doesn’t mean I am going to gorge
on a bunch of food. I mean it in that I don’t NEED to do that, because I am not
starting a “diet” on 1/1/14. I’m gonna eat for my bodies needs, go lift some
heavy shit, get in some heart-pounding metabolic (like normal) and move on with
my life.

This is not an easy way to be. I still want to eat when I am
bored, sad, mad… So I am still figuring out what to do in those situations. I
will always be a work in progress. But that’s how God made me.

Happy New Year, everyone. I wish you happiness and Peace.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Beating the Blues

Merry after-Christmas.

No worries, I’m not back to bitch today. I am sure you will be happy about that. ;-)

I just gave a big sigh – I am GLAD Christmas is over. I get so much more stressed than I even realize and I am so glad it’s behind me now.

We had a beautiful X-mas eve service, and I really enjoyed the sermon – about “coming home” and how Christ has always been and will always be our “Home”. It was great, made me feel really good, even in the midst of a cruddy cold I am (still) fighting.

The boys were ELATED on Christmas day. Up at 5:30am. Thing 2 (remember, he’s only 3) would open up each gift and say “It’s JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!” and then go for another. It was hilarious!

Other than a few over-stimulation related mini meltdowns, they were good boys, and we took it easy. Mom came over, we stayed in PJ’s/cozies and just chilled and snacked. Bliss.

Tomorrow we get together with my side of the family for our “Christmas” which consists of LOTS of noise (6 kids under 7, 6 of them are boys), food, family whom I love more than anything, a fun grab-bag game, The Polar Express and hot chocolate for the kids… it’s going to be great. How lucky am I that I get celebrate Christmas Eve with my in-laws, Christmas with my tribe and my mom, AND “Christmas” with my whole family?

I took a few days off the gym (Christmas eve and day, of course) but then took an extra one off yesterday as I try to get rid of this yucky cold. I had ZERO energy. However, I AM going tonight AND tomorrow morning. Maybe I can sweat out this cold! YES!

I’ve been thinking more about my food. I have put on some weight – I can feel it in my clothes. NOT getting on the scale, but I’m going to take some measurements and work toward leaning out. It’s going to be slow, because I am not going to go back to my restrict-binge cycle again. I don’t want an eating plan without cheese. I don’t want a diet where I can never have a Starbucks soy latte (extra hot – yum), or chocolate. Your reaction may be “Well, no shit!” But remember that I was constantly working under the guise of perfection. If I was going to eat clean, it was going to be PERFECT. And if I had some sugar? Well, I had fucked it all up and I was screwed. All those “clean eaters” using maple syrup or honey in recipes? WHAT?? They are doing it WRONG!!! SUGAR IS SUGAR!!!!

Who the hell am I to say they are doing anything wrong? Who are YOU to say it?

The phrase “eyes on your own plate” springs to mind. I won’t judge your grocery cart, so you don’t judge mine.

So, after all this blabbering, I will tell you I am taking the “Whole Food Challenge” at Bodyology. I’ve done it before, but for very different reasons. This time, I am doing it purposefully imperfectly.

I remember sitting in one of the past challenge meetings; Christa would say “You need to make this challenge your own. If you really want cream and sugar in your coffee, if that’s your “thing” go for it.” I would think – no, no – I must do this challenge exactly as written. It must be perfect, or it won’t “work”.

And THAT is the exact thinking that would lead me through a “perfect” challenge, and a crash and burn at the end.

No more crash and burn. I am striving to make it all these things normal and sane. The support I gain from the challenge groups is phenomenal. So, I’m doing it.

I want to find that “sweet” spot (forgive the pun). The place where I am mentally happy, not obsessing, but tracking and leaning out slowly. I think this challenge will help me with that. However, I am still watching things now. Tracking “softly” (meaning I track when I am suspicious that I may be heading over my TDEE) and getting in fresh foods.

But, I am also going a bit overboard with the holiday eating. Thus, the reason clothes are starting to get tight and feel uncomfortable. I won’t get on the scale, because I know I would freak out. But I will gage it on the measurements I am taking tonight and how my clothes are feeling.

Whew, this is getting wordy, so I’ll wrap it up.

(Warning: Christian musing ahead. Skip if you’re not into it) One more thing I want to say (and I’ll elaborate in another post) is that I find it amazing how life works. How God works. When you aren’t sure what to do, or when you have a little voice in the back of your head telling you something that you might be afraid to listen to, the Lord shows you the way. It becomes clear. That voice is the Lord speaking through you, telling you your own souls needs and wants. Then, when you are afraid to listen, He makes it more clear. Even the “little” things. I am always asking God to “smack me in the face with” anything he needs to tell me, because sometimes I get so caught up in worldly things I don’t hear Him. But, He hears ME. Amazing.

I’ll try to be a better blogger, but I can make no guarantees. I will pop in as much as I can!

I hope everyone’s holiday season is wonderful. And if you were as stressed as I was, you ca

Friday, December 20, 2013

December Blues

December Blues

I feel like Charlie Brown. I don’t know that I will even publish this post.

Part of the reason I haven’t been posting is because my work computer won’t load blogger anymore. In order to post this, I type it in Word, send it to myself via e-mail, open up my kindle, get the e-mail, copy and paste it into blogger, erase extraneous strange things that paste along with it (coming from my work e-mail) and hope I have enough Wi-Fi power to actually post it from my kindle.

Why can’t I just do this from home? Well, you know. Once I leave here for the day, the last thing I have any time to do is something like blog. When I do have time, it’s at night time, and frankly, my bed is more important.

But here I am today, because I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t read anyone’s blog at all (sorry!) so I have no idea what’s going on with all of you, either.

I’ve been lifting heavy (PR’s right now: 225 dead-lift, 105 bench press and 155 back squat). My beloved training studio is now changing the format of things. Of course, I’ll stay the course and check it out. I hope I love it as much as I have loved it for the time I have been there. When I walk into the studio, I can forget everything else. It’s the only time.

Truth is I’ve been quite down. Not really having to do with eating or training… but mostly work related. My job is changing; my place in the office is changing (being moved to the shittiest place to be in the office. Because my co-worker and I are obviously the least important people here, so we get relegated to the back corner. Literally, sitting in a hallway.); and frankly, this job is getting really weary. You see people come in, you work with them, and they die. Seriously. More of my patients are dying than getting transplanted, and it’s painful.

This time of year should be magical and special. I’m trying my hardest to make it that way for my boys, and I really think its working. I guess I miss the magic. *cue the music: “Where are you, Christmas?”*

The business of life takes its toll. I always think things are going to get better, a little more breathing room, in between semesters. But it never works that way. There is always something to take the place of that time. How does that happen? I don’t know.

I know. I’m not very Merry. Well, that’s life, I guess. I don’t feel merry, so I’m not going to pretend I am. No reason to save face in front of all 85 of you who follow me.

Tomorrow is hubby’s 40th birthday. He and I went to a concert and dinner at the beginning of the month, but I still feel bad that there is nothing for him to open. Now I’m starting to think I should have planned a party, or something… but I don’t know when we would have had it. We are running the church’s Christmas Pageant, and we will be in church for it all day tomorrow. I ordered a cake and balloons and I will bring them out at the end of rehearsal so all the kids can sing to him. I hope that he’ll like that… but it’s not enough.

When is it ever enough?

When am I ever enough?

Never. Feels like never.

Hoping my outlook will turn around soon. I’ll put it on for the kids, of course. Their happiness is everything to me, even when I can’t feel it inside myself.

Here’s to 2014 – and more of the same shit.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I've been such a bad blogger! I haven't been here in a while... *sigh*

Historically, when weight loss/exercise/health conscious bloggers disappear it's because they have reverted to "old ways" and are embarrassed to post about it.

I used to feel that way.

Not anymore. Why?

Because I'm not "on" or "off" the "wagon" anymore. It's not all or nothing anymore. It's just life. Everyday, in and out. Eating mostly foods that make my body feel good and healthy, and eating some foods that don't make my body feel good. Learning from that, moving on from it.

I'm still putting up great numbers in my training, and I've started lifting-specific training 3 days instead of 2. Who wouldn't want to do something that makes them feel awesome? Not me! :)

The BEST part?? Are you ready??

The hubby is training with me!!!

It's a long story, but let's just say I am blessed with the most amazing trainers. I don't know how I deserve what they give me, but I'm just thankful!

So, yeah, hubby will be training with me 2 days for a week, maybe moving up to 3 depending on how he feels. Last night was our first training session and I am SOOO proud of how hard he worked! It was awesome!

I'm going back tonight for a nice heavy lifting session and I will enjoy my holiday tomorrow with my family. I'll be back in the gym on Friday morning.

Ahhh... now that's living!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Weekend recap, and stuff you *might* not know about me

Weekend Recap and stuff you *might* not know

My weekend was not all that exciting, guys. Busy, of course, but nothing really new. I will share a few PR type things from Sunday’s workout, and what I’m eating today.

Saturday, I PR’ed my hex-bar dead-lift 205x1. Stoked! I went for 2, but the clock timed out and that damn beep skewed my focus. I think I could have done it. Next time, for sure

I did 3 pull-ups with a purple band and a black band. As a reference, I started out doing pull-ups with 3 black bands and a purple band. I was very happy to see this progress. At Bodyology, they encourage you to pull-up to the chest instead of just to the chin, so I’ve been working on that with my normal pull-ups.

I HATE front wracking weights for weighted squats. I feel so uncomfortable. I will take an 80lb goblet squat over 40lb on each shoulder any day. Just sayin’.

What I’m eating today:

Every once in a while, I’ll pop my daily menu on here. You won’t see it every day anymore. Mostly because I am removing my compulsion over food by being more chill about it. So, here is the menu for today. Any of you who have been reading me for a while know that I cook for the week, so this means that with very slight variation, this will likely be my menu for most of the week!

Coffee, coffee, coffee, with one packet of cocoa.
Pumpkin oatmeal (crock pot) with a handful of almonds.
Apple and 2 cheese sticks
Maybe some more coffee
Vegetable zucchini lasagna
Chicken nuggets (home-made), more almonds
Something else, ‘cause I’ll be hungry after class, but not sure what yet. During class I will be taste-testing the recipes we make for our assignments.

You might notice this menu has a little less meat than normal. This is mostly because I had tons of frozen veggies in the house and it was more economical to make my lasagna vegetable instead of buying more meat. That’s what’s up, folks.

And yes, I still used zucchini instead of noodles. Not because I’m staying away from carbs (not at ALL! LOL), but because I really like it this way!

All over Facebook lately I have seen this “survey” type status. Apparently someone gives you a number, and you are “obligated” to then reveal that # of things people may not know about you. I have not been so “lucky” to be tagged. I’m kinda glad. On some boards I frequent, it’s become a “this is how bad my life is and you have no idea”. And then each tries to one up. Yuck. BUT – since this is a different kind if forum, I figured I’d give it a go.

So, here is my list of stuff you might not know about me. I don’t know how many there will be.

1. I love, love, love the smell of my laundry detergent. (Arm and Hammer – Fresh Scent, I think) I could smell it all day long and it makes me SO happy. The hubby took a picture of me last week with my face in a basket of clean laundry.

2. I also love the smell of musty, old houses. Maybe it reminds me of my Mima’s house. I loved my Mima’s “basement smell”.

3. I think about running away. A lot. But, you might already know that.

4. I once ripped off my big toe nail walking in a pair of crocks. It took over a year to grow back.

5. I have broken my left ankle 3 times, fractured it 2 times, sprained it a million times and finally had to have surgery to repair it. I don’t have fully mobility in it.

6. My mom is my best friend

7. I met my husband for the first time when I was 10 and he was 15. I had a huge crush on him when I was about 16 (high school), but we didn’t get together till I was 26.

8. The first time hubby said “I love you” I said “thank you”.

Alright, that’s it, because frankly, it’s not all the interesting. Hope all of you are hanging in there, and if anyone is reading from Illinois, Ohio, or any place dealing the tornados right now, my prayers are with you

Thursday, November 14, 2013

weights and mood going up!

Sorry for the lack of posting… Thing 1 was sick, and I was off work taking care of him… now I have a cold, but it’s no biggie. Just Sniffly and Sneezy. I’m like 2 of the 7 dwarves in 1. Ha!

Taking some rest time last week had its good and bad points. The good out-weighed the bad, for sure; however, the bad points are a little… um… painful.

As in, my poor, poor lats! LOL

Actually, most of my body is on fire right now, due to going back to my normal lifting schedule and going back to balls to the wall. (litteraly – we did wall-balls yesterday!) The GREAT thing is I felt like I was ABLE to do that.No longer totally exhausted! I guess I really did need it. Not only was I able, but went UP on a few of my weights:

#50 on single arm rows – 10x3

#80 Dumbbell floor press – 10x1, 8x1 (then #35x2), 2x1 (then #35x8)

#200 DL 3x1, 4x1

#95 Bench 3x2

Hands down, my barbell shoulder press is my weakest/slowest-to-develop lift. It’s so hard for me to lift strict, and not give myself a little “oomph” at the bottom. Worked at #70x3x2 yesterday, but the last few I needed that little pop from my lower body to stick it. Any lifters out there have any advise on this? Just keep trying?

I am slowly incorporating some more guidelines into my eating right now. Not rules. Not restrictions, just guidelines.

1. Eating only when hungry. This is something I work on continuously. I likely will for a very long time.

2. No more Starbucks. You guys know the Bux has been a thorn in my side for a while. I’ve had an on-off love affair with them. But frankly, they are just too pricy. And, they give me gas. So, to save my marriage, I have decided this is a must.

3. No more snacking in bed. For a while, my body was on a schedule where I was totally ravenous right before bed, so I would put together a little snack and bring it up to relax in bed and munch. Well, now I’m really not hungry right before bed and it’s just more of a habit than a necessity. Please see #1. IF I am hungry at that time of day, I will eat my snack downstairs and THEN go to bed.

These are the things I am concentrating on for the moment. Keeping things simple and focusing on just a few things at a time keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. Less overwhelmed = much happier girl.

How are you guys doing out there? Eating food? Lifting weights?

Friday, November 8, 2013


Before I get into any frivolous post: Please, please take a moment to think of the people in the Philippians right now, doing battle with the most ferocious storm in history. If you don’t pray, send good vibes. Then, get ready to stand up and help these people. They are going to need it.

We all know that change is the only constant in life.

Whenever I’m going through a bad time in life, my mom will always say “Remember, nothing stays the same. Everything always changes”

And she is so right.

A few months ago when I thought I would be unable to continue Bodyology, I was so incredibly crushed. If you have been following me for a while, you know what an important impact this establishment and the trainers have had on my strength, my fitness, and most of all, the self-esteem and confidence.

So it is with that confidence that I make the full decision to leave Bodyology for now. Hubby has made a pact with me. He KNOWS how important Bodyology is to me, and the fact that I am willing to replace it to workout with him on a regular basis – well, let’s just say he knows what a huge deal that is.

But, we are starting a different fitness journey together. It’s exciting, to be sure. I’m excited and happy to re-incorporate different fitness aspects back into my training. Spinning, Kickboxing, Yoga, lifting, HITT training. Bring it on – ALL of it!

Handing in my case study and taking my exam (which was HARD) was a weight lifted off my shoulders. At least for the weekend… oh wait. I just remembered I have an exam on Monday in my other class.

Crap. *Sigh* Eh, whatcha gonna do? The price of striving for what you want.

This weekend is very busy and special at church as well. Our new senior minister candidate will preach and be voted upon by the congregation. It’s been a very long road to get here, and it’s very, very exciting.

All this, plus other things that must get done will make for a very busy weekend. Just for fun, let’s do a run down. I have a feeling this might give me a heart attack:

5:30 – Mimi (my mom) picks up kids so Hubby and I can go to a cast party (yeah!)

7:30 – Bodyology (I’m taking classes till the end of the month)
9:00 – pick up kids from mom
9:30-1:30 Shower, dress, bake for meet-and-greet, hang with kids, study, clean
2:00 – be at church to help set-up for senior minister meet-and-greet
3:00-5:00 – meet-and-greet
5:00 – clean up
6:00 – Major studying for exam on Monday, laundry, cleaning our room (looks like a cyclone hit it), change our kids clothes to all arm stuff and correct sizes (God, they grow like weeds!)

9:00 - Choir rehearsal for church
10:00 - Special Service
11:15 - Set-up for special meeting, meeting, vote
12:15 - reception
1:00 – grocery shopping
2:00 – start cooking for week, let kids play outside, get homework finished, book-bags packed, clothes laid out.
7:00 – kids bath, bed
8:00 – continue studying for exam Monday
10:00 Fall over

Yup – gives me stomach pain just looking at it. But, there are people who have it a lot busier! I’m grateful for everything I get to do right now. I’m healthy and able. What a blessing.

Peace to you all. Have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

School Stressors and Row Machines

First – workout updates!

The workout I posted in my last entry went really well – the only modification was that we did each mini-circuit 2x instead of 3x. I came down about 10# on each of my lifts and even a little more on the Romanian Dead Lifts. BUT – my hams still feel it! 

Here was yesterdays goodie:

Row Machine Sandwich Workout (it made me want to eat a sandwich when we were done! LOL)
Rowing 500 M
10 Pull-ups (5x2) (assist machine)
10 Resistance band stability/core

10 step-ups (each leg)
10 Push-ups
30 second plank (stable or up-down)

15 Kettle bell swings (20#)
15 tricep dips
Rowing 500 M


Doing each x2 was the perfect amount of active recovery for me. I can use this again, up it to 3x through each and it would be more on par with a normal workout.

And the x2 was perfect push workout for my hubby. He wasn’t happy yesterday AT ALL. In his defense, he warned me that he might be pissy this first week. It’s not with me, but with him. The step ups were very difficult for him (The only steps they had were a little high for someone starting out), but he wouldn’t tell me why, and he wouldn’t allow me to change to a different exercise. LATER he tells me his knees were killing him.

ACK!!! I explained that he HAS to tell me these things. His response??

“But you always read everywhere that you need to “push through the pain””


So, we talked about this. We talked about how joint pain and muscle “burn” (because you are working a muscle hard) are VERY, VERY different things. That pushing through joint pain is DANGEROUS.

I also DARED him to find me ANY research that says you should “push through” knee pain.

(not holding my breath on that one)

I think he gets it. I told him if we are going to work out together, he needed to be up-front and totally honest with me. We made that pact.

Another note on yesterday’s workout – I am developing a love/hate relationship with the row machine! It hurts so good!

Today in my Nutrition III class, I have a project (case study) due AND an exam. I have to say, as a former university instructor – this is POOR PLANNING unless you are trying to make your students insane. IF, however, that is your goal – WELL DONE.

I also have another gripe about this case study. There is certain information that is required in this paper that is found in a very specific professional resource book. This book was not on the list of needed resources for this class that we receive that the start of the semester. When I asked the instructor about it, she told me she “assumed we had it” from another class.

This is a BAD assumption. I am a part time, evening only student. This means that the class that she ASSUMED I already had obtained the book from I have NOT TAKEN yet.

But this info was not imparted until last week. Too late to get the book (and no money to do so). So NOW, I need to take PTO hours from work today to go to school, find the book in the library (pray for me please) to get this corrected terminology.

I’m sorry – tell me that don’t suck?

Anyway, enough bitchin’. Walking on lunch break today, but no formal workout because of class. Tomorrow is blissful Friday…

Peace, my peeps.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Rest/De-load - what does it mean to me?

You guys know I talked yesterday about taking a rest week. I’m considering it more of a de-load week, focusing on form. I’ll be working with my hubby as well, so we will be taking it a little slower together. It will work very well, I think.

I put together the following workout we will be doing today. There may be modifications, depending on what is available to us at the gym.

10 squats
10 Exp shoulder press
10 lunges (each leg)
10 Pushups

10 Db floor press
10 Bridge lift
10 single arm row (each)
10 pause goblet squats

10 kettle bell swings
10 scissors (each leg)
10 skaters (each leg)
10 Db Romanian dead lifts

Core finish:
30 second center plank
30 second left side plank
30 second center plank
30 second right side plank

I’m taking my weights down – so, for example, on exploding shoulder press, I would normally do a few at #35, and then the rest at #30 (Working toward #35), but tonight I will do #25. Similar with Romanian DL – normally I would go about #110-#120, so tonight I’ll probably hang around in the #90’s.

Form is the prime focus this week. Things like really hinging at the hips and keeping a neutral neck for dead lifts, digging the heels into the ground and keeping the chest high during squats. Squeezing the glutes during bridge lift, activating the quads on lunges. You can effectivly work your muscles when you activate the BRAIN as well - focusing on the muscle to be worked increases the energy expended.

You’ll notice that plyo/HITT type movements are not present. Well, that’s part of the rest aspect, and also give the hubby a chance to really figure out form and his weight range on these movements (which are new to him). This is also why I did a rep-based format, instead of a timed interval-based format.

I showed it to hubby and waited for the “concern” to come back to me – he worries that he “can’t” do certain things… but, surprisingly, he simply said “Okey dokey”

Yup, that was it.

I’ll check in tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Resting is hard, but allowing my body to crumble under too much pressure/work/strain – much, much harder.

Do you guys take rest weeks? Do you take a full rest, or do you engage in active recovery?

Monday, November 4, 2013

Babies, Mindsets and Rest

I spent most of Sunday this weekend in my car. 2 hour ride to New Jersey and a 2 hour ride back. For 2 hours in between I spent time with a dear friend, Maggie, from my Michigan days who is having her first baby. I was excited and felt honored to have been invited to her shower. She is going to be such a great mama! Sometimes when I see a happy/glowy pregnant lady, I start to think about a 3rd.

Then I come to my senses.

Going into a social situation where I don’t know a soul (save 1 or 2) makes me incredibly anxious. When I was obese, it was simply not an option. I would run and hide from such gatherings. I did this exact thing when Maggie had her bridal shower. I said I would go, and then I baled. I just couldn’t emotionally handle it. I know this was very disappointing to her, and I don’t blame her one bit.

So, while I was still incredibly nervous – ESPECIALLY driving so far on my own – my weight was not nearly as much of a factor. It’s a good thing too, because the rest of Maggie’s friends may or may not have looked like freaking super models. Just sayin’.

My biggest, awesome-est “ah-ha” moment was about the food (I know – shock). Well, let me re-phrase – it WASN’T about the food.

It’s been a while since I’ve been at a gathering like this, but I remember distinctly that each time I attended something I have been in one of two mind-sets. I was either going to “be bad” and binge on all the food, or I was going to “be good” and worry/obsess about what was in each dish.

Yesterday – I was of NEITHER mindset.

And it was AMAZING.

I didn’t worry/wonder/obsess about the food. There was food. I ate some. It was very, very delicious. And that was it. There was no overeating of the apps laid out, because I wasn’t that hungry. Lunch consisted of trying little of a few of the things offered, and no seconds, because I was not hungry for them. On top of which, I didn’t have to STOP myself from doing it – it just happened that way.

I left before dessert was officially served, so Maggie insisted I take some things with me. I chose 2 different mini things and took my little covered plate with me in the car. Once I got my bearings on the highway, I tried the goods, and they were just too sweet for me. I ended up tossing them when I stopped for gas.

The old me, besides being obsessive, would have:

1. Devoured those treats as soon as I was a safe distance from the house, and alone.
2. Eaten them even though they tasted too sweet for me.

These realizations felt so incredibly good to me. I started thinking about them on my long drive home and I felt so content.

REST: ah yes. Rest. That thing you are supposed to do every 4-6 weeks while lifting or doing very intense workouts. That thing I have NOT done since I came back full throttle from my surgery in March.

Last week was tough for me physically and mentally. My workouts felt a lot harder. I couldn’t push myself through the full intervals. This is very unusual. Because physically I felt so much weaker, my mental fortitude took a big wallop.

Instead of just trying to push through it. I consulted with the trusted few I go to when I’m struggling. Across the board, the question was the same “When was the last time you took a rest/de-load week?”

ME: “uhhhhh…………”

Them: “Yeah. You need to rest”

Rest makes me nervous. I have visions of attempting my heavier lifts and feeling like I have slid back instead of making strides forward. Then I saw this great quote from Girls Gone Strong: “Strength isn’t only on the bar”

How true that is.

My physical and mental weakness this past week needs to be addressed. Regardless of how it effects me NEXT week at the bar, it STILL has to happen for me NOW.

Because I need to be strong in ALL aspects, not just in iron.

So, this week is a “rest” week. I will still go to the gym, and hubby is going to join me. We will work functional fitness (Squats, lunges, pushups, pull-ups, core etc) but will keep plyo on the light end. This is good for the hubby too, because he is just starting to get back to the gym. Win-Win.

How was your weekend? Any realizations?

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween - a Revelation!

I have to share a great revelation.

This morning as I busily got the kids and myself together to get out the door, I noticed the huge bag of Halloween candy sitting on my counter, as it had been sitting on my counter for days. I really didn’t pay a lot of attention until it really hit me: “I REALLY hadn’t been paying a lot of attention to it!!”

There has been no obsessing about “staying away” from the candy, and no obsession with “NEEDING to have ALL the candy”. It has simply sat there, unopened. Ignored.

Talk about JOY!

Talk about a BREAKTHROUGH!

This was very exciting for me to realize. I have come to see that since I started to treat food as food; Nothing more, nothing less; Not bad, not good, the hold that sugary things used to hold over me has fallen away. It’s really very freeing and liberating.

My focus for the last week specifically is mindfulness. I am striving to eat ONLY when I am hungry. It’s been hard at times! I have not always been mindful, for sure! But it has been very eye-opening. I often want to eat when I am anything BUT hungry (which I have known). But to give myself a moment to say “I know you want a snack, but you really aren’t hungry – what is it that you need?” has been very interesting.

Sometimes I know what I need (a break from my desk, for example) and sometimes I don’t. It’s not perfect, it never will be, and I’m OK with that! It’s a skill I am working very hard on and I have decided to really concentrate on it for a few weeks, just on its own, with no other eating-restriction-diet-mentality ideas. Just let it be about being mindful.

Mindfulness with eating is something I scoffed at for a long time. After all, I don’t want to think about WHY I want to eat – I just want food, dammit! But while immersing myself in information about it, I came across a new perspective.

-Make the mindfulness happen AFTER the food is consumed-

This, to start, made so much more sense to me. When I paid attention to my food, and how I felt AFTER I ate it, I discovered much more easily what made me feel good, and what made me feel crappy. Making THAT discovery more easily moves me into being mindful BEFORE I eat something. I have the knowledge of what how that food might affect me physically, so I have a totally informed decision to make.

When I type it out, it reads a little “obsess-y” but it really doesn’t feel that way at all. It feels good to be in tune with myself. Coming into my body is a very, very slow process for me. Coming into my mind is first.

Hooray for therapy! LOL

Have a sweet Halloween. Enjoy some candy, if that’s your thing. Stay away from it if you prefer. Whatever gives you JOY? Go for it!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Back to the fitness, and the price of sanity

In my defense, I DID warn you yesterdays post was not about fitness. :-)

Thanks to the few of you who responded with your thoughts. It nice to hear outside perspective. Obviously it’s a difficult situation and one that is going to require a lot more thought and processing on my part.


A few PR’s for you:

24” box jump x 2 (YESSSSS!!!!!)
195 lb hex-bar dead lift x 5 (paid very close attention to form, because I felt my knees want to cave inward, but I didn’t let them. I kept them pressed out and pushed through the quads. Awesome)

The hubs and I have been talking a lot. He really wants to start exercising regularly and lifting. *I* really want him to, as well. Because he is currently overweight, he feels incredibly insecure going to the gym by himself, ESPECIALLY for lifting. Totally understandable. Up to this point, I have been spending all my workout time at Bodyology (you all know how much I totally, utterly adore it there).


The more we talked, the more I realized how much more comfortable he would feel if we were going together to the gym. We certainly can’t afford to both go to Bodyology… so… I think I am going to take a leap, cancel my Bodyology (which is a good chunk of change for us, as you know) and start getting down to business at our local gym. I’ll put together some lifting sessions for both of us based on what I have learned, and some metabolic sessions as well.

The hubs wants this, but is also very nervous. He knows how hardcore my workouts are, and how hardcore I make them at the gym. And frankly, if I’m giving up Bodyology, I cannot afford to come down in intensity. It’s much harder to push yourself to the right place on your own. He’s starting in a much different place than I’m at, and is worried he won’t be able to do things. We talked about working at our own individual level for each workout… but he wasn’t happy about that. Maybe there is some kind of intimidation factor? I dunno.

I think it’s the right thing to do for my family. It means more together time, helping hubby develop some really healthy habits, and less worry about how much $$ I’m spending every month.

This could be super awesome for us. However… I’m not above being led down the “oh, let’s just skip it today” road. NO ONE is immune to that feeling, especially once it gets cold and dark. I asked my hubby for a real commitment, and so far I’ve gotten a luke-warm commitment.

So, let’s just say nothing has been decided. I still have all of November with Bodyology. I don’t have to let them know for another few weeks if I am going to cancel.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that I started therapy. I might have. Anyway, the woman I am seeing is great. I am hoping this works out. Weekly co-pays are a bitch when your check is right down to the penny already. I know it’s an important part of my learning to love myself, allowing myself to take up space, and allowing myself a healthy, normal relationship with food.

You can’t really put a price on that – can you? If you could, it would probably be worth a lot more than my co-pays.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Big Changes, Letting go for your own good.

Disclaimer: This post is NOT specifically weight-loss/fitness related. File this under the "Stuff" category.

The one thing in life you can always count on is change.

I wrote last week about my friend who passed away. Still no official word on what happened. His services were just this Saturday and it was incredibly sad. I hugged his wife and she was just a shell. You could see she barely heard what anyone said. His parents were the same. I hugged his sister extra tight. I just can’t imagine the pain of losing a brother/son/husband. Too much to even think about.

Then I got the shaft from a “good” friend of mine. I would have called him my “best” friend before Saturday night. He was my Man-of-Honor at my wedding. He is the God-Father of Thing 1. He and I have been friends since we were babies.


So, what happened? Well, there was a get-together at his house after the service on Saturday. I told him repeatedly to text me what time to come over. I canceled other plans. I sat and waited.

About 6:15 (service ended about 5:30) or so, I text him. I text my cousin (also invited to said get-together). No response from either. Hubby and I decide to go out (we were childless for the evening), but to stay close by in case I got a text back.

Around 8:00, I get a text – “Oops. Just got this text. Everyone will be leaving soon. I thought you ditched us”

Excuse me?

This doesn’t seem like a big deal, unless you also know a little back story. My “best” friend has done this repeatedly to me over the years. I’m forgotten. Conveniently not invited to things. I was hardly in his wedding (I sang for it). Of course, I was a bigger fatty then, and I probably would have fucked up the pictures or something (I can kinda see his wife feeling like that). I had my surgery in March, and I was home for more than 2 weeks from work. He knew this. I told him to come over several times. I really wanted to see him. He didn’t.

We haven’t actually gotten together in like, 2 years.

He lives about 1 mile from me.

So, the furious texting began. I let it all out.

He apologized profusely. His wife texted me an apology too. But at this point, I don’t care.

I’m tired of being forgotten by him. Put last on the list. I’m not asking to be first, I just want to be on it SOMEWHERE.

I thought about how few friendships I really have. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am just so incredibly dull to be around that no one can maintain a friendship with me. Maybe my slight anti-socialism (I get nervous and uncomfortable around a lot of people when I don’t know them well) is my downfall. I’m not a drinker or a partier. I go to bed early because of the kids and workouts and church and the millions of other things I do. I’m not sure what it is. But, I have to do a lot of self-searching.

This story is a little convoluted. I know that if I had talked to him WAY before this about my hurt feelings, we wouldn’t have gotten into this. I was always afraid that if I approached him about it, he would just blow me off – maybe it wouldn’t be worth his time to work on the friendship. So I just kept bottling it all up. He works a ton, has a wife and 2 kids, one of which is only 2 months old. However, just as another example, I had to hear second hand that his wife was even pregnant. I never saw them the whole time. I had to send gifts through Amazon. I never even got a response to those gifts. I *think* they got them.

I’ve never met the baby.

You would think that after losing a friend so suddenly, I would be feeling the opposite way right now.

I would think:

“Life it too short, let it go”.

Instead, I’m thinking:

“Life is too short to cling to people who don’t care all that much about you”

What do YOU think? Mountain out of a molehill on my part? Any of you ever have to walk away from someone you have put your heart and soul into for your own good?

Monday, October 21, 2013

Everyday is a gift, and nothing is promised...

Sorry I was MIA all last week. I just didn’t feel like posting much. I had last Monday off with the hubby and minions, and well, it was awesome. We did fall crafts all last weekend, took things slow. Relaxed (as much as I can relax, that is). The kids were great. It was like a little “stay-cation”

Work last week was nothing really to write home about… I’ve got a good gig going here and I can’t screw it up. I want desperately to move along in my degree and I did some research into other programs. I found a distance learning program through Rutgers and I am pretty excited about the prospect. If I finished a ton of classes at Gateway and transferred those credits to the online program, I could do more classes at once and finish much sooner. It’s also less expensive than the 4 year program that is local to me. I wrote my advisor for her thoughts and I’m hoping to hear back from her soon. The light at the end of the tunnel might just be a *little* closer.

Got some bad news last night. A childhood friend of mine passed away suddenly. He was only 33. He had a beautiful wife and gorgeous twin boys who will be 1 year old next week. I cannot imagine his wife's heartbreak right now. I weep for her. I weep for him. I weep for our other friends who have regrets about their relationships. I weep for the loss. We do not know what happened to him yet, only that his wife found him slumped over in his chair in their yard... Things like this make you hold tighter to those you love. Everyday is a gift, and NOTHING is promised. Nothing.


In some more uplifting (no pun intended) news - I have some PR’s to report: 95# on my bench press x 3, and 120# on my back squat x 3. I’m still working the #45 single arm rows. My push-ups are getting much better… still working on those damn pull-ups.

I can’t WAIT to report triple digits on my bench press. I started out maxing at 80# on bench. I’m excited to see my progress.

On Saturday, after FMA, the hubs and I actually had some grown-up time while my kids visited with my mom. We went on an awesome 1.5 hour hike. It was amazing. The leaves changing, the crisp air. I LOVE fall. We actually found a trail that hubby had never been on before, and it led us up to the top of a huge rock with a gorgeous view of the water and trees. So incredible. As we were walking back to the car, I thought “I never could have done this a few years ago. Ever”.

More good news is I finally found a therapist. I’ve wanted to find someone for a long time to talk with, and schedule has always been an issue. But, I have finally found one. She sees people close to where I live, and she understands my incredibly full schedule. I felt comfortable with her and I think it’s going to work well.

Eating is good. No binging. No overeating. I feel calm about it. I am eating enough. I am eating when I am hungry. My weight is stable. I DO want it to go down. And it will go down. I am getting back into logging my food and I’m feeling OK with that – not anxious, not crazed. I don’t care when I get close to my calorie goal. I used to get so nervous when I got “too close” (to my already too low calorie goal) that I would either just not eat the rest of the day, or I would go totally overboard. Nope. Not one f*ck given. I’m striving for enough protein because I am lifting regularly. Besides that, my calories can be anything I want.

For an example: today’s menu:
- Coffee cocoa (with cinnamon – yum)
- Zucchini quiche with an apple
- Banana and PB
- Big salad with sunflower seeds, craisins, olives, peppers, carrots, good seasons dressing and lots of greens, ½ serving of butternut squash apple soup with brown rice (only ½ because I was VERY full)
- Coffee cocoa
- Before school: Other ½ of soup, 1 chicken meatloaf “muffin”
- After school: Garlic Honey chicken (crock pot recipe. So yummy), baked potato, steamed veggies.***
** This may not happen, only because sometimes I am so spent after my late class, all I want is my bed

I am very happy with this food plan today. It comes out to about 1900 calories.

Becuase I’ve just started tracking again, I don’t know exactly what my calorie intake has been for the last few months. It’s probably been in the mid 2000’s somewhere or I wouldn’t be maintaining. On days I don’t work-out, I will try to come in at around 2000, and on days I do workout, about I’ll go up to 2500 or so.

I will track and strive for these numbers for a while and see what happens. If I continue to maintain, I will slowly drop the calories, until I start to see a small drop in fat. So on and so forth.

I don’t care if it takes me a year to lose 30 lbs. Maybe longer. I want to be happy and relaxed about my food choices. I want to fuel that AWESOMENESS that is my lifting and workout life right now. THE END.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Keep at it, and "stay-cation"

You guys who have been hanging out here for a while know me by now.

I freak out. I am dramatic. I am high-strung.

I know all these things about myself.

Then, I take a moment, and I let things marinate in my brain…

7 years.

It will take about 7 years for me to finish what I’ve started.

7 years that will go by anyway, regardless of my getting a degree or not.

So? What’s a girl to do?

This girl keeps at it. Even if it’s one class at a time (and with classes like microbiology and organic chemistry, that might just have to happen), this girl will keep going.

There will be tears. There will be stress and frustration.

But hey, No one ever said it would be easy. But it will be worth it.

I was sitting in class last night and I just kept thinking “Damn, I LOVE this stuff!” and I really, really do! So, if I really, really love it – I have to keep doing it! *DUH*

So, you’ll be hearing me bitch for the next 7 years… um, yeah, sorry about that.

Moving on to other things…

The fam and I are having a little “stay-cation” this weekend. Hubby and I took Monday off (and the kids are off anyway). We are planning very little to do. This is the first weekend in MONTHS we don’t have a huge schedule to cram.

We are going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s “Out of the Darkness” walk tomorrow. We walk in honor and memory of my young cousin, Brian, who took his own life. We walk as a family. Although Thing 1 and 2 obviously don’t understand, but they will feel the love of our family, and the sadness of missing “Uncle Brian”

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend

Thursday, October 10, 2013

When Dreams Begin to Die.

I know. How dramatic. But I have taken a hard look at things… And I am feeling some dreams start to tumble right off a cliff.

You all know I am in school part time. 2 courses per semester and usually 1 during the summer. I’ve been at this for a few years now.

Right now, to finish my associates (Dietetic Technician, Registered), not including this semester, I have at least another 1.5 years to finish.

Now, this is not horrible. However, for shits and giggles this morning I decided to do a job search for something in the field that I can move to while I continue to pursue my Registered Dietician degree at a 4 year university.

I came across a few interesting things in my short search.

1. There are almost NO jobs as a diet tech. I mean, like, there might have been one in all the search engines I looked in.
2. Diet techs seem to make less money than I do now working as an associate.

Both of these things are bad.

Ok, I think. Let’s go on over to the UNH website and see what I will need to accomplish to get the RD.

I found that, assuming I can take my standard 2 classes per semester, perhaps one in the summer, I will be going to school for an additional 4 years.

BEFORE any internship.

So, we are at 5.5 years, plus internship time.

Then I took a look at the tuition at this University. Obviously it costs more than our community college. You know the only reason I am able to take classes is because my job reimburses me for them. They give me a certain amount per year that cannot be exceeded. It would appear that because of the price difference between the college and the university, I will be unable to take 2 courses per semester. This will add approx 1.5 years to the original time line.

(Let’s not even talk about the minor heart attack I had when I saw courses like Anatomy and Physiology 1 and 2, Microbiology and Organic Chemistry. Remember people, I cried during my entire semester of Math 115)

Now we are at 7 years before the Bachelors degree is completed. During those 7 years, working anywhere in the field looks fairly bleak, because of the lower salary, and because if I leave the hospital I work at now, I will have no reimbursement at all.

You may now be able to see why I am not sure where to go from here. Am I wasting my time right now? Does it make any sense to continue in school for 7 years, staying in a job I dislike, and making a total career change at age 42?

I feel really, really lost right now.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

What happens when you SUCK at the gym

Last night was my first workout back after the Fitathlon.

It sucked.

I felt weak and tired.

Well, yeah. I beat the crap out of myself on Saturday!

I pushed. I gave it my all. Everything I HAD.

But there just wasn’t as much to give.

So what do you do when this happens? And – it’s inevitable that it will at some point.

You give yourself a freaking BREAK.

I had to just move on from that feeling of “failure”.

So, my pull-ups felt REALLY hard. I still did them.

My back squat form broke on my final rep of my set of #115. I still did them.

I had to drop-set on my dumb-bell shoulder press from #30 to #25 on my last set.

I still moved up to #30 this week – even if it was only for 2 of the 3 sets

I DID struggle through my single arm rows, which I am now at #45 with (proud!) But I finished my sets with those really f’in heavy DB’s.

The MET-CON was really tough, but doable. I pushed through it. I tried to take moves up to the next level, even just for ½ of the interval.

Overall, I know this workout didn’t “Suck”. I mean, the only workout you regret is the one you didn’t do, right? Right. But still. I love the feeling of empowerment I have normally when I leave the studio, and I just didn’t feel that yesterday.

So now what?

Well, I go back today, and I work as hard as I possibly can, and I continue to move forward. I push for the next level, and then I take 1-2 days to rest. I also eat a lot of good food. Tons of protein and awesome energizing carbs. Even a little *gasp* chocolate!!

I haven’t talked *too* much about my food lately, so the next post I will delve into that a little bit.

So, what do you do when you feel like you really SUCKED at the gym?

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Fitathlon 2013 Re-Cap

Where do I even begin?

We packed everything, including my minions, into the car at 6:30AM to get to Westport, CT on Saturday 10/5 in time for 7:30 set up. Volunteering beforehand was both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was it took my mind off of stressing. The curse was that even though I left my post 30 minutes prior to when my heat was SUPPOSED to begin, my challenger group was immediately called into our “pen”. No time to fuel. No time for water. I barely had time to put my ankle brace on.

The worst part about that rush to our waiting post was, well, the waiting. We sat in the pen for at least 30 minutes, and then we were let out into groups of 50 (I was in the 2nd group of 50). So, by the time our group got out, we still had to wait for the first group to do their calisthenics before waiting another 10 minutes to start ours.

The waiting was the WORST.

The whole time hubby and the (very cranky by this point) minions were standing by. Josh wanted to “run the race with me” and I didn’t think that was really going to happen. However, the atmosphere was very casual and people were walking/running beside the competitors, so when he started running alongside me (off of the course), it seemed fine. Poor hubby probably didn’t plan on walking a 5K while mostly holding the 3 year old, but he was a trooper.

So, Thing 1 was running alongside me (remember how slow I run, right? M’kay) and when we would approach an obstacle, I would tell him to get back with hubby (e.g. tired flips), or I would let him stay near me (e.g. jumping hay bales). I know he loved it and he felt very accomplished.

So, let’s talk about the race from my perspective.

One thing that bugged me was they changed things since the list was posted. For example, at the beginning, we were told we would do 40 pushups, 20 each of squats, lunges, jump squats and jump lunges. When we got there, there were no pushups (I wasn’t complaining) but then 30 each of the others. By the time I got done with those 4 things, I started to try to run, and felt so wobbly, I couldn’t I had to walk almost the first whole section – to the walking lunges. ¼ f’in mile of walking lunges.

Yes, that is why my legs are still killing me today.

8 – 5’ walls. Just a little too tall for my normal run and jump. They were a bitch to get over. But I did them, all of them, alone.

I was going through the course and everyone in my group was well ahead of me by this point. I didn’t care so much. I went through the speed and agility course, zig-zag runs, tires, jumping hay bales. Slowly, but done.

It was likely around this time I thought “What the hell did I do this for? This is not even a LITTLE bit fun”. But nothing was going to stop me from finishing. When people from the BEGINNER group that started AFTER us started to run past me, my heart sank a little. Although frustrated and annoyed, I kept going.

And really – if you were running through the course that fast, you should have challenged yourself up a level! Damn! Anyway…

The 200lb tire flips were my favorite. I loved, loved, loved them. The best part of them was when they big burley guy who was moderating the obstacle started walking towards me, asking if I needed any help. I flipped that bitch over and said “nah, I’m good”. The look on his face was PRICELESS. As was the look on his face when I quickly flipped it 7 more times – UP HILL.

The only real fail I had was the traverse wall – I got about ½ way on it and dropped off. I have NO experience with this and frankly, the construction of the wall was shoddy. The hand grips were loose and spinning and the foot grips were either already broken off or in the midst of falling off. Meh. I was ok with just letting that one go – for now.

Other obstacles came and went. The 8’ walls were a lot easier than I thought. I used the rope and I was up and over quickly – all three.

It’s funny, some of the obstacles I was most worried about were easy, and then some I felt ok about were much tougher.

Monkey bars were OK – I got across with a little help from my trainer, Mike. It was SOOOO nice to see him there moderating this obstacle. I was so close to the finish but I couldn’t help telling him “This kinda sucks, Mike”. He laughed and told me I was almost there. Monkey bars, rope slams (which I kicked ass on), 40 muther f’in pushups (another change from the original list) and a sprint (as sprint-y as I could muster in the damn sand) to the finish and I was done.

So. Done.

Exhausted was an understatement. Today is day 3 after the event and I’m just beginning to walk normally (damn, damn, damn you lunges).

Ok. Here is a mini re-cap of the above:
1. Waiting sucks
2. Waiting = not fueling and hydrating properly (my fail)
3. Lunges suck
4. Tire flips rule
5. Family rules

So, as far as I am concerned, I am super happy I accomplished this event, and I will not be doing it again. LOL. Of course, I think I might have said that last year about the Rugged Maniac, so I won’t discount it completely. Although I didn’t run with any other “Tuff Girls”, my tribe was with me the whole time so I felt very supported throughout. I’m a very lucky wifey and mama, for sure.


Friday, October 4, 2013

Friday Mish-Mash

I have a lot to vent about today. Some of it is fitness, some is not. So, if you aren’t interested in a venting session, you have been warned.

My stress level is pretty high right now. Between the normal family/work/school/church stuff, I have just learned that the committee I have served on for 15 months, worked hard with, and finally came to our conclusion (finding our church a new senior minister) has been blasted, and under minded, with our work, integrity, and honesty being called into question. Not by ONE person in leadership at our church, but TWO. WITHOUT cause, and without correct information. It came down to what can only be called a hissy-fit by a grown woman.

I am disgusted.

All our work could potentially be destroyed by her. She refuses to even discuss it at this point.

IF our work goes to waste because of this woman, I am finding a new church. And I will forever be marred by these events.

There is also drama in the theater company. One girl in particular is creating an awful lot of noise about menial shit. After venting via Facebook last night, she thought that my post was about her. *NEWS FLASH* NOT everything is about YOU!! I know, I know – it’s hard to believe. So, I dealt with her little dramatic self this morning at 5:45AM.

Thing 2 woke up covered in dried blood this morning. Nose bleeds are pretty common for him. He has seen the doctor, and I’ve been told it’s normal and OK. But I will NEVER get used to seeing him literally COVERED in blood. His hair was matted, all over his hands and face, a huge stain on his sheets. It breaks my heart. I know, that sounds dumb, but it does.

The race is tomorrow. Hubby wants to be supportive and come, and we can’t figure out childcare, because I have to be there so early to volunteer. So, I think we are all going to go, which will probably be more stressful than anything else, and frankly, will be exhausting for him, since HE will be the one having to run after the minions all day.

My stomach is in knots.

My knee is bothering me.

WHY am I doing this tomorrow?

I don’t even know anymore.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Cue the Freak-Out

(Just a side note: Sorry the blog has been so boring. No pics, no fun font or colors. It's my damn work computer. I'll be working on this)

Well, they say you should do one thing a day that scares you.

Did I REALLY think I wasn’t going to get nervous about this damn race?

Of sure, I could act all cavalier about it, but it was brewing down in my gut.

The freak out.

*Deep Breath*

Maybe because this race wasn’t on my radar till more recently than the RM. But now, I’m getting super nervous.

I think its more nerves of the un-known rather than the race itself.

I started getting worried about volunteering for hours before my heat – 7:30 to 11:45, then a 12:00 race. This was a bad idea, but I just didn’t know it yet.

So this morning I sent off frantic e-mails to coordinators to see if I could switch to the 11:00 heat and volunteer after. Then I set about checking my e-mail obsessively.

I finally heard back – they don’t need any more afternoon volunteers.


HOWEVER, she DID say she would switch me to the 11:00 heat.


I told her that meant my volunteer time was cut quite short, and I would be happy to come back after my heat and do whatever they needed me to for a few more hours.

Verdict: Accepted.

So, not perfect, but better. I’m just worried about my focus, my mental space, going from the registration table right to starting the race.

The very. Very. Long. Race.


Focus: What are my goals for this race?

Goal: Finish - priority

Goal: Finish most obstacles are prescribed.
(I say most because I don’t want to say all. If I make “all” my goal, and one just doesn’t work out, I need to be mentally OK with that)

Goal: Be able to smile at the finish line. Not cry from pain.
(Seriously, I’m not kidding. Have you ever done ¼ of walking lunges with hands behind your head? Me either – yet. I can only imagine it’s going to be painful)

Sections I am most nervous about:
40 pushups. These will not happen all on toe. I am going to do as many as I can on toe, and then I will drop to my knees. I wish I could do 40 pushups on my toes. I just can’t – YET.
Jump lunges. These are hard for me. Mostly on a balance point. I guess they will be what they will be.
8’ walls. There is a rope to help, and the wall is on a little bit of an angle, but I’m nervous about getting up and over these. There are 3 of them
Monkey bars. Never had the opportunity to practice for these at all. Not sure I can make it across 8ft of them. Not sure if I’ll make it 1 foot. Might drop like a stone. I have no clue.

So, that is 4 nerve-wracking challenges out of the 20. Not that I am feeling easy-breezy about the rest, but I know I can do them. Even the running sections. I can just take my slow job pace and keep moving.

Ok, I know you are tired of reading about my obsession here. So, I’ll let it go… for today.

What have you done lately that has scared you?

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I get inspiration from a lot of different sources now.

I used to derive inspiration from tight, hard bodies with messages like: “Suck it up, loser”

Ok, I’m paraphrasing, but you know what I mean. It’s called “Fitspiration” and it’s everywhere.

Now, I am not saying I don’t like a lot of those memes out there on Facebook, but some of them are meant to bring someone down, and not build them up.

And I would much prefer to be lifted up – and I would VERY much prefer to lift OTHERS up!

In that vein, I LOVE the following video. I love the message – no matter what, hard work trumps all. Not in comparison to someone ELSES hard work – but YOUR OWN hard work. THAT will ALWAYS trump all.

This can be applied to so much in life. Not just fitness. Not just food. But Life. Work. Family. God.

Now, this video may not speak to you like it does to me. When I watch it, my eyes well up with tears and I feel it in my chest. This video doesn’t have to do that for you.

BUT you should find something that DOES.

So – can you give any more? Are you sure?

Rise and Shine.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Fitathalon Challenge, 2013


THIS, my friends, is what is in store for me on Saturday. I am running the challenger course. There is also a newbie, a beginner, and then a competitor course, the competitor being the most advanced. It's mostly the length or # or reps that change for each level.

I am going into this one like I did the RM - one thing at a time, at my own pace. Blinders on. No one around but me.

Hey Challengers!
I hope you all are excited for Saturday's event! Wondering what you're getting yourself into this weekend? Well here it is! The complete list and description of the obstacles for Saturday's event:

1. Calisthenics
Challenger - 40 pushups, then 20 of each (lunges, squats, Jump lunges, Jump squats)

2. Run

3. Lunges
The distance varies by level. Guaranteed to make your legs burn. Take a rest if needed but you can only lunge - no walking. Hands must be behind your head as you lunge.

4. 5' Walls
Up and over and over and over and over. There will be help for everyone but the competitors. Watch the video on our Facebook page if you're not sure how to climb them.

5. Speed and Agility
Tires,tires, tires. Add some cones, hurdles, hay and ladders. Let's see how mobile and agile you are. This is a looooonnngggg S&A course!

6. Run

7. Tire Flips
200lb+ tires. The tires are different sizes but pretty much weigh the same amount. You can do it solo or with help. It doesn't matter unless you're a competitor. Competitors must flip the tires solo.
Challenger - 8 flips

8. Chain pulls
30lbs, 100 yards. You must pull it while backpedaling. This will fire up hams and glutes.

9. Wheelbarrow Push
It sorta looks like a wheel barrel. It's our version. Push it through grass UPHILL for the designated distance and turn around and come back.

10. Balance Beams
Going down you're on telephone poles (yes they're round), coming back you're on 4 inches wide and 8 feet long planks. Competitors if you fall off you must go back to the beginning.

11. Transverse Walls
We gotta see you move in different planes. Hope you've tried rock climbing. Climb to the end without touching the ground or the top of the wall. Competitors if you fall off you must go back to the beginning.

12. 8" Walls
Big walls. No worries you have a rope to help you. You gotta do it three times.

13. Ruck Sack Trail run
Back to nature. Get your run on. It's maybe a ¼ mile. You'll be carrying 25lbs on your back.

Beach Time Obstacle course:
14. Over/unders - Leaping and ducking. Over 2 foot hurdles, Under 3 foot hurdles. 48 hurdles in all.

15. Cargo Net - Balance, core and upper body strength will be on display in this obstacle. It's a simple 8 foot climb across the net. Again and again.

16. Tunnels - Get low and crawl through the sand!!!

17. Monkey Bars
8 feet across. You have to grab every bar. Competitors if you fall you must go back to the beginning.

18. Push Ups -
Crank them out.
Challengers – 40
Should feel real good after Monkey bars.

19. Ropes Slams
40ft, 2inches. Slam it as hard and as fast as you can for the allotted time. 2 hand slams ALL OUT! 30 seconds! Competitor - 60 seconds.

20. Sprint
100 yard Sprint to the finish line. Let's see what you have left in the tank.

Whew. I'm a little winded just reading it. What do you think??

Monday, September 30, 2013

Rugged Maniac 2013 Recap

Wow – where to start?

You know I was incredibly nervous on Friday. But by Saturday morning, I felt much calmer. I don’t know exactly why, but I just wasn’t as agitated (until we took a wrong turn that ended up costing us almost 20 minutes). I showed up at about 9:20 for my 10:00 heat, and the race was run so efficiently, that I was able to walk right up to the registration tent, check in and make my way nearby to the starting line in about 5 minutes.

After 3 potty trips (TMI, I know) they called out heat into the “pen”. You hop your first of many walls just getting into the starting area. I hung back a little. I knew I wanted to be near the back so I didn’t feel rushed. I wanted to focus on one foot in front of the other, and each obstacle as it came up, and nothing more.

I got a kiss from the hubs and said a prayer as I waited and suddenly we were off. I started jogging at my slow pace, and just kept moving. As I jogged along and came to the first set of walls – we had a back-log of runners. So, basically, we waited in line. Meh, I don’t mind a little energy reservation. I wasn’t in this for the time. I was it in to see what I could do.

The first few walls felt easy. I remember last time coming to the first wall and thinking “I don’t even know where to start here!” Now, I have my groove down on walls. As they got taller, I added a little running jump to boost myself to the top. However, they did get tall enough where that wasn’t enough, so I utilized the side braces to scramble up.

Walls – check

There were some new obstacles that surprised me and I was delighted that I flew right through them. Things like “pit jumping” – 5 very deep, long pits in a row, each getting wider as they went along, to leap over.

Pits – check

Logs to balance/walk up and down – check

There was a trail run through the wooded area. Some logs were cut down, and you had to go over or under them. It was here that I turned my left ankle, just slightly. I didn’t fall. Caught myself and slowed to a walk for a few minutes. It didn’t feel terrible, so I returned to my jogging pace.

There were some wicked hills to run up. Damn

Running hills – check

Tires – check

More walls – check

About ½ way through I started wondering where the mud was. LOL. I found out very soon.

We got into hills and ditches full of mud. Of course, being covered in mud makes things just a little harder. But dammit, I was having a fucking ball.

Because I was KICKING ASS.

Balance beams over deep muddy water – check

Uneven logs jumps – check

Huge cargo net walls – check

It was about 2/3 of the way through I thought about my nemesis obstacle. The one that last year I would never have accomplished without Christa at the top pulling me up. The moment I thought to myself “I don’t even think it’s here this year” I came over a hill and there is was. I was NOT scared. I went at it full force and I got through it. By myself. With my own strength, persistence, AND problem solving skills. I’ll come back to this at the end when I go into all the things I learned during this race.

Bitch tube climb – check

There was a lot of mud, very cold water, cargo climbs, and of course, the huge slide. I know the slide is some of the competitors favorite but I really hate it. Because I have NO control. Once I slide down, and I’m getting faster and faster and swerving all over – I can’t control my body and that kind of thing really scares me. But, before I knew it, I was splashing into the muddy water below and that part was over.

Slide - check

Another huge cargo net climb and 3 fire pit leaps and I was almost done. (I really have to try and post pics. I’ll work on it.)

Fire jumping - check

The last leg was a wall climb, roll over a large cargo net suspended over the concrete (shudder) and a climb down. Then – the obligatory “I am awesome” picture in front of the Rugged Maniac sign.


My ankle got worse as the day wore on. I elevated and iced it on Saturday night and I have been wearing a support brace. A little sprain and some bruises are all I came out of this with. Pretty damn good!

I learned a lot in this race. I mean SO much. More than I will probably be able to express. But here are a few things

1. I’m awesome – sorry, it’s true. And every once in a while it’s good to toot your own horn. So, toot-toot.

2. I’m very social. I talked to people all over the race. People I didn’t know. I teamed up with 2 ladies running together and we helped each other over the tallest of the walls near the middle. They were awesome. I jumped over a few of those pits with another woman who was scared to do it, so I told her we would do it together. We both made it.

3. I am much stronger than last year- ESPECIALLY in my core strength. Last year I always felt like I was going to topple over, but this year I felt so steady and strong on the top of those walls. I felt confident and sure of myself. Lots of the balance obstacles were a result of the stronger core. Core strength = total awesomeness.

I could go on and on, but I won’t. I had an awesome experience and I WILL be doing them again – as a matter of fact, now I need to look forward to next Saturday doing the Fitathalon!

Friday, September 27, 2013

T-1 Day, AKA "Oh Shit"

I had a very serious “I’m going to bale on this race Saturday” moment yesterday. It was right before going into my exam, and the feeling of being totally overwhelmed took over.

I had a fight or flight moment.

And I really, really wanted to choose FLIGHT.

Insert *DEEP BREATH* here.

So, I did what any other 21st century person would do.

I posted it on Facebook.

I knew posting it would illicit at least a *little* support, and that is all it would take. Because then people would KNOW that I was thinking about sleeping in on Saturday and pretending that I wasn’t supposed to be somewhere very, very different.

And yes, it worked.

I am still really terrified I’m not going to be able to do it. I am terrified of letting myself down. There is no one else to impress out there. Just me.

But, I’m still going to do it.

I’m trying to change my attitude about it a little bit. I have been approaching it as a “redemption” race of sorts. This is obviously inducing a lot of pressure. If I can start thinking of it as a gage – to see how far I have come in the last year – maybe, just maybe I can just go and have FUN.

FUN??? What?? These aren’t supposed to be fun!!!

Oh wait, it IS supposed to be fun.

Crap, I forgot about that

So, this is what it comes down to. I will run the Rugged Maniac tomorrow. It will be what it will be. I need to let go and give the whole thing up to God. The end.
Of course, you all will get a recap, (whether you want one or not…) but likely not till Monday.

Have a good weekend, people!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

T-2 Days!

I was very proud this morning to wake up and see my “story” had been printed in HoneyBee’s blog. She reached out to me a few months ago, and frankly, it took me a while to get it together. Telling my “story” is not easy… or rather, condensing my story is not easy. As I have been revealing in the past few posts, my weight “story” practically began at birth.

It’s Thursday and it’s T-2 Days till the Rugged Maniac. Typing that gave me the unmistakable butterflies I have been feeling on and off all week. I am a team of one. There is no one to lean on. There is only me.

I’ve been practicing some self talk for the starting line, and planning my warm-up session very carefully. I know, it sounds silly. But I have been thinking of some power statements that might help psych myself up for the start. Things like:

“You’ve got this. You are a machine”
“You are a beast”
“One step at a time”
“You are strong”
“You are powerful”
“You can do this”
“In it to the end”

I feel silly typing these out. But the focus they create when I say them to myself is undeniable. It takes me from wanting to give up in the middle of something to pushing through to the end. If you have never used power statements before, just give it a try. I pick a focus point, stare at it and talk to myself.

A little prayer won’t hurt either. J

I got an e-mail from the RM which said:

This course is twisting and full of hills, measuring just over 3.1 miles and packed with more than 25 obstacles. You will climb over massive dirt dunes, crawl through dark and winding tunnels, and hurdle fire. We redesigned our wall obstacles to be even more challenging and you will face a massive two-story cargo climb in prime view of spectators. The weather will be sunny, reaching highs in the low to mid 70s around midday; perfect for racing and grabbing a cold Harpoon afterwards.”

Speaking of which, I think I’ll be happy as long as I don’t get hurt! My knee is doing a lot better, but I just don’t want to screw it up and get off my game.

I PRed my dead lift last night 190x5 reps. Very please with myself!

I’m headed to school after work for an exam for Nutrition III… I can hardly think about it with so much other stuff going on. “Fiddler” opens this weekend and I have to be there to help. RM Saturday, interview candidate on Saturday and hear him preach on Sunday.

And I gotta be honest. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but my chest is getting tight and I’m starting to cough a little. I’m not going to ignore it any more. After my exam, I am ducking out of class, headed to get some vitamin C and home to sleep. Hoping this does NOT come to a head.

OK, guys – I’m out.