Thursday, September 27, 2012

Yet another clever blog title

2:00 on Thursday. Day is a-draggin'

I guess I don't have a ton to say...

Worried about my 5 year old - he seems so preoccupied/obsessed with food and snacks. His before-care teacher called me as I was walking into work to tell me he had gone into his lunch bag and eaten his afternoon snack, and the watermellon I gave him to go along with his lunch. He ate a little at home before he went to school, but then attacked his lunch box!... I mean, kids know when they are full and when they are hungry - I mean, that hasen't been "snacked" out of them yet, right? Is it just that he is hungrier than I realize? But, more than that, he will eat things that are sweet (whether it's fruit or the occasional chocolate milk) until it's gone and then want more (and more and more). When it comes to fruit and such, I don't mind giving him *some* more, but I maintain that treats are just that - only occasionally. He gets SO MAD when I tell him "no more"... am I being too restrictive? Driving him to obsess about it?

You guys who have been reading a while know that I am terrified of my kids becoming overweight or obese. I feel like I will do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) I can to keep this from happening. However, am I starting to get crazed?

So, I did what any self respecting person would do - I pulled strings at work to talk to a pedi dietitian.

I explained briefly my back ground and described Thing 1's behavior. She said it sounded like he might just need more of the healthy food. In other words, he may only nibble a little of his breakfast at home, so pack it for him to eat in his before-care when his tummy finally wakes up. Give him lots of healthy choices and let him decide what to eat. Keep the treats to a minimum, but allow him to have some on occasion - or as soon as your back is turned, he is more likely to eat those things in excess.
So, the plan is packing more, including a small breakfast in the AM, in case he gets hungry at before care.

I think he's going to need a bigger lunchbox.

Yesterday I was off with him for the day. I missed the boat on signing him up for all day care, and so I had to take the day off. But, I didn't mind. I love spending time with him on our own. He helped me so much - cleaning out too small toddler clothes, putting away summer stuff... same for Hubby and my clothes. Then we attacked the basement and got 2 car loads of stuff for Goodwill - clothes and toys! DAMN!

It was awesome to work hard and sweat it out in the basement especially. I made it a game for he and I - racing around the house to gather stuff from the deck and racing it over to the dumpster or to the car for donation. We were red faced, sweating, and laughing. Finally sat down around 3:30, and then left the house at 4:15 for a 5:00 Bodyology workout. Yeah, workout #2 of the day. I am NOT one to call normal housework "exercise" but that basement situation totally torched some calories!

Eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop Click, unsweetened chocolate almond milk, water, ice
B: Oxygen Baked Pumpkin Oatmeal
S: 1/4 naan bread, 2 tbs PB
L: Zucchini lasagna, 2 oz cabot 75
S: banana
D: Not sure...

Prolly no workout tonight, but maybe some yoga... I just started doing some for stress release and relaxation and I think it's helping my anxiety.

Hmmm, and I thought I didn't have anything to say? I should know better... I ALWAYS have something to say.

In case anyone is interested, this is a trailer for the race I doing on Sunday: CHECK IT OUT

Keep moving forward...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


It's 5 days till the Rugged Maniac

Confession: I am very, very nervous.

So nervous, that at around 12:30 last night, laying in bed, I decided not to do it.

Then, I decided to do it

Then, I decided not to do it...

you get the picture.

Of course, I am still doing it. I will likely change my mind 10 or 15 times. Today.

But seriously. I am so nervous, it's affecting my stomach. Ugh.

We are doing it as a team. What if I can't keep up? What if I am holding people back? What if I can't do the obstacles?

I will be mortified.

So, I have to think about all the shit I spewed out here yesterday.

Am I doing this FOR ME? Or for someone else?

What are MY expectations? Or am I doing this under someone ELSE’s expectations?

Alright - YES, I am doing it for me. Because I wanted to challenge myself to do something I have never done. I have no preconceived notions on finishing in a specific time...just finishing. I would really LOVE to do all of the obstacles. I am PLANNING on doing ALL of the obstacles.

What if I can't?

Well, that's a decision I will have to make when the time comes, and if it happens, it happens. Doing it is supposed to be FUN. An experience. Not a chance to beat myself up if it doesn't happen perfectly.

I gotta say, I'm lacking a little in the family support on this race. Hubby's "not sure if he wants to go" so I may be making the 1.5 hr drive to Southwick, MA on my own, navigating the crowds on my own, driving home on my own, etc. At least I have my team to do the actual race with.

This is very disappointing. Sure, this weekend is the closing weekend of the show, and I know he will be tired, but this is so incredibly important to me. *sigh*

Alright, eats for today:

BB: 1 scoop click, ½ cup unsweetened chocolate almond milk (this is awesome, but I have a hard time finding it all the time. BE SURE IT’S UNSWEETENED!) water, ice
B: pumpkin oats, 2 tbs natural PB
L: zucchini lasagna
S: 100gm sweet potato, 1 oz cabot, approx 4 oz hot salsa
S: banana (right before class)
D: not sure – Norma posted a fab recipe from Oxygen Mag – and I think I have all the ingredients. It will either be tonight or tomorrow night, with maybe a salad for tonight (since it’s a school night)

Last night, rocked 30 minutes kickboxing at about 8:30 – dinner wasn’t till after 9, but whatever. It is what it is.

Today, took a speedy 25 minute walk after scarfing down lunch. Heart rate up a little, a little sweat (AKA Liquid Awesome) and fresh air. Nice.

Tonight: 30 minutes of something sweaty… get your minds out of the gutter.

It’s amazing how the mind plays tricks on you. I had convinced myself that any workout that wasn’t at LEAST 45-60 minutes was worthless…. Therefore I found myself feeling like I “couldn’t find time” to workout in this crazy schedule I have concocted.

Oh man, really? How could I forget that you can work your ASS off hardcore in 30 minutes? I don’t know.

But, no worries. I’m back from that shit.

Keep moving forward!

Monday, September 24, 2012


Who the fuck am I, anyway??

For real. Who am I?

What do I WANT.


Am I living the life I WANT?

How do I REALLY FEEL about things like exercise? Food?

WHERE or ON WHAT am I willing to compromise??

Does there HAVE to be compromise?

These questions seem totally ridiculous. What kind of person doesn't know who they are?? W.T.F.

This kind of person doesn't know. A person who, because I have been obese for so much of my life, made it a point to make others happy, so maybe they wouldn't notice my size. If that meant saying I believe something I didn't, so be it. If it meant doing something I wouldn't have done normally, fine.

On and on. It happened all the time. I followed the crowd. I had to, or someone might call me out.
If I ever spoke up for myself, against the grain - immediate backlash

"Fat bitch"

"Stupid fat-ass"


If you've heard it, I've likely been called it.

So, to save myself from the pain of backlash, I fell in with the crowd. Kept my mouth shut when I didn't agree. It got to the point where I just didn't trust myself to know what was best or right for me.

How can you live a life where you can't trust YOURSELF??

Well, I'm going to tell you what I know.

That shit has to stop.

I have to think about ME. What is making ME happy. What is good for MY FAMILY. What MY priorities are.

5:00 AM workouts don't work for me. I am not going to do it. I don't care if that means I am exercising at 9:00 PM, I WILL NOT GET UP AT 5AM.

I really DO enjoy eating clean foods about 80% of the time. The other 20% will be defined by the following parameters:

-Foods that tastes good - I mean really, really good. If it's not TOTALLY worth it, there is NO point.
-Foods that DO NOT illicit a binge, or binge/overeating mentality

This second one is a HUGE item. The kinds of things that illicit binging for me are almost anything made with real sugar, junk "snack" type food, and even "healthier" snack food, like trail mix, granola, cereals...
I don't want to binge, and I don't want to fight binging, and therefore I continue to go without the foods that create this situation.

WILL occasionally have my Click protein in the morning. I WILL occasionally have a diet Dr. Pepper. I have read the data and I know the story. These things are not much better for you than the real thing, health wise - but for me, MENTALLY, the "real" thing is MUCH, MUCH worse.

And right now, I don't want to always be without.

Now, moving on to exercise.

I don't not want to have a "hard body".

I will never look like that, and I am TOTALLY OK with that.

I LOVE the feeling of nice, strong muscles in my arms and legs. I love seeing the change in my butt and back... I will NEVER NOT want those strong muscles, and I will continue to work for them.

If I miss a workout, it's GOING TO BE OK.

I really like working out. I like the feeling of accomplishment, I love what it is doing to my body, and I love those damn endorphins after! WooHOO!

I WILL NOT feel guilty when I miss one. I WILL do it because I love it, and NOT because I am afraid that someone will judge me if I don't.


I cannot let the FEAR of what someone else will think of me rule my world ANYMORE.

So it's really up to me to know myself. No one else can. I am the only one.

Now, get the fuck out of my way.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Being Vegan and new workout times

Well, my stint with being Vegan is now officially over, and the first thing I will say is I want NO part of it on a normal basis! LOL

One of the biggest difference I noticed was that I felt super hungry all the time. Consiquentially, I ate over my calories 2 of the 3 days. DAMN. Not horendously over, but over none the less. SUCK.

So, that 3 days got me a little off kilter, for sure. But, I packed my meatballs and a little cheese and I'm good to go for today.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what my real, true goals are for my physical self. What do I want? What will make me really happy? Is it a normal BMI? Would that be "enough"? Is it a visible 6pack? Do I want the hard-body look? I think it's a beautiful thing to look at, but do I really want it for me? Would it be worth the work for me? I don't know the answers to these questions, honestly. I know I want to be a normal BMI. That has become my goal since my realization of hitting my initial goal of being 180 has come into view. I am so close to that, and I know I need to go further. How much further? What is the ultimate goal? I'm still not totally clear.

*sigh* workouts. How I miss you. I haven't worked out since Saturday. I feel like a slug. This has to get fixed, starting now.

I... am going to have to get up at 4:30 to workout.

Please, let us have a moment of silence for my sleep deprived, sad self... *sob*

It's been a really hard decision, but it just has to be done. If I am going to get any exercise in, it's going to have to be in the AM because once the day gets going, I am on the move till 9:30 at night, at least. I'm going to ask 30 minutes of myself Monday, Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Wednesday won't work, becasue I have to be in work even earlier than normal. Adding Monday, Tuesday and Thurday to my normal workouts Saturday and Sunday, and I'm golden.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me. I am REALLY bad at missing out on sleep.

I am going to make a consious effort to go to bed earlier. It's the only way it's going to work. And although tomorrow is Friday, and that will likely not be in my normal rotation, I am starting in the AM. Got to just get it started before I talk myself out of it.

Again: *sob*

Tonight: Math test and choir practice. Then I will pop in on Hubby - they will be in the final dress rehearsal for the show which opens tomorrow night. I can't wait till this insanity is over. I need my hubby back. I'll end up home around 10, make lunches (seriously, this is like, the bane of my existance) and start all over again tomorrow - except earlier.

Eats for today:
B: 2 breakfast cookies (really just oats and banana and protein powder baked into cookie shape, instead of the normal bar I bake. Sometimes, you just need to switch it up.
S: Josephs flax wrap, 2 tbs PB
L: 4 mini turkey meatballs and home made sauce - yes please! :-)
S: banana, 2 oz cabot 75% cheese
D: apple... yeah, I didn't plan that well, I guess...

Keep moving forward people

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Being vegan, and math sucks

Nope, not weight loss/calorie math. Regular old algebraic math. Well, I guess if I am going to be perfectly truthful, MATH doesn't suck. I suck at MATH.

I haven’t had to deal with math since like, sophomore year of high school. I was a music major in college and we didn't need to know no stinkin' math.

Now, of course, I do. Grrr...

I am painstakingly working my way through it. We are only in the 3rd week of classes... and our first test is Thursday.

I know you don't want to hear about my math woes, so I'll cut it out.

Second day of being vegan. It's going well, but I miss my Greek yogurt and cheese. I am not going to fall onto fake shit that they make out of processed soy in order to up it right now. However, it's a point I am going to bring up in my paper - how *would* I increase my protein without those things? Obviously I would need to if this was a long term situation.

Last night I ran home after class and threw together some vegetarian (ok, I guess vegan) chili. It came out good. Made oatmeal and the boys lunches, did dishes, laundry, and I was done. The theater company hubby and I run is in tech week for our show, and he's MIA for this whole week. It's like being a single parent.

Eats for today:
B: "Nutty Monkey" mug oats
S: huge, delicious apple
L: 1 1/4 cup vegan chili
S: 1/4 cup trail mix
S: 1 Joseph's Flax flat bread, 3 tbs garlic hummus
D: Big salad - I need some raw veggies bad...

Yesterday I was about 200 calories under my allotment. I was hungry going to bed, but frankly, I couldn’t figure out what to eat, so I just went to sleep. Today? I'll likely be right at my calorie goal, if not a little over. If I'm careful with the salad, I should be fine. But I've been super hungry today, and all the food above logged (without salad) leaves me about 300 calories left for the day.

I don't know why I start freaking out when I see that. 300 calories is a substantial amount of calories... but I get freaked thinking I have eaten too much, or I'm going to be over. Truth be told, it's this kind of freak out that has, in the past, led me to overeat/binge. I get a prevailing sense of "who cares? I'm over anyway!" or, "Why bother?" I will not let that tug of panic pervade me today. My calories are fine. My meal plan, although higher in carbohydrates than I normally eat, is fine. It's all fine. Just. Relax.

Work till 4:45, class 5:15 to 6:30. Then home to my boys for an evening of cleaning, laundry, hugs and love.

I'll take it.

Keep moving forward!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Weigh in and being Vegan

Weigh in on Saturday morning: 185.

I have lost a total of 180 lbs.

One hundred and eighty f-ing pounds, bitches!

Ok, got that out of my system.

I also think it's funny that when I weigh 182.5, (2.5 to go) I will have LOST 182.5 lbs.

In other words, I will have lost an entire ME.


I know I've been a little MIA. Work is hectic, class homework to be done, children to mother, exercising to do, etc. You guys know - you all do it too. So, blogging got a little lost the past few days. Weekend was good, especially after that fabulous weigh in.

So, for the next 3 days, I am vegan. It's part of a project for my dietetics class. Everyone logs their normal diet for 3 days (no brainer, I do this anyway) and then we choose a strict diet regime (not calorie strict, just content strict) to do for 3 days. I chose vegan because I get a most of my protein from meat and dairy sources, so I wanted to challenge myself. The point of the project is to develop empathy for those who have a strict diet they need to follow all the time.

I have logged all the food I have with me for today, and so far I have 24 teeny tiny grams of protein. Obviously gotta ramp it up. Will cook up quinoa tonight (a great source of complete protein, which is very rare in non-animal protein foods) with some veggies and see what we can do.

I *don't* do tofu.

I *could* do tempeh...I don't want to "resort" to getting protein from processed soy products like the Morningstar soy sausages I was loving up on a while ago. I also don't want my carb intake to be massive.

This could get tricky.

So, these are the eats today:

B: 2 breakfast protein bars. (oats, PB, banana, almond milk, baked for a bit so they are "bar" like. Yum. Filling)
L: 1.5 cups butternut squash apple soup (made this this weekend. It's like Thanksgiving in a bowl, and it's only olive oil, onion, butternut squash and apples. Awesome)
S: apple and 2 tbs almond butter (we went apple picking. So much fun. Love the benefits)
S: 3 tbs hummus and baby carrots
D: Quinoa with steamed veggies?

Chai tea and water hydrates the day.

The workout on Saturday was the hardest one I have ever done at Bodyology. I mean, seriously. I told Christa on the way out and she said "Great!!" lol. Love that. I am still hurting.

I'm still trying to find the exercise time during the week. I know, it sounds like an excuse... and I gotta just figure it out. I really, really, really don't want to get up at 4:30 to work out... but I guess if that is really the only time, I may have to give it a go. (insert sob here)

Well, that's it for now guys! I'm eating lunch soon.... totally still not hungry after my breakfast this morning, but it's that time. Gotta fuel!

Keep moving forward!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thursday, No, Wednesday... dammit

I don't know why I keep thinking it's Thursday. *sigh*

Anyway, not a ton to report on weight wise. Life is in total upheaval, per usual.

I am very proud to say that even through a 15 hour day, I stayed the course. I packed all of my food. I didn't end up eating my little salad because it got all hot and wilted and gross. And I didn't have a fork.


But, I sat in my 4:00 meeting right in front of the cookies, AND in my 7:30 meeting right in front of the cookies. Didn't eat one. I thought about it, don't get me wrong. But I didn't. The stress of being super-ultra dumb in math class, the stress of having a negative balance in the bank, the stress of my poor Thing 2 getting bit at school repeatedly and having to meet with the daycare director yesterday - none of it would be cured with a cookie.

I don't know what will cure it. But a cookie? Or 2? Or 5? Most certainly not.

I just got in from kicking a whole bunch of ass at Bodyology - the Avenger is one of the toughest workouts, and I feel SO accomplished afterwards.

And wiped out. Whew!

Tonight - about 1.5 hours of math homework, meeting, kids, lunches... you know, the usual. Preparing for another 15 hour day tomorrow is tough. But, we all do what we have to do.

No, I guess that's not true. We don't ALL do what we HAVE to do. We do what we CHOOSE to do. I guess that's the difference. I am CHOOSING to do the right things for my body and that, my friends, requires a lot of planning and work.

Alright, that's all for now.... off to get Thing 2 to bed (No bites today, Thank God!) and start lunches for tomorrow, Thing 2 off to bed, homework part 1, meeting, homework part 2, shower, bed.

As Christa says: Sweat, Rinse, Repeat.

Keep moving forward!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 1 Post Challenge, and Weigh In

Well, with the SUCE Challenge officially over, I was looking forward to packing up my food for the day (yes, the whole day - today was out the door at 6:45 and I'll be abck home about 9:15) and giving myself little cheesey treats for being so good on the challenge...

So... (wait for it)... I put grated parmasean on my vegetarian chili.


I know, I could hardly contain myself.

But really, I'm not changing much on the challenge plan at all. I don't feel the need to. I don't feel like it's overly constricting right now, so I am going with the flow.

WI for this morning 188.

Not a huge drop, but seeing as I was bouncing around the 190's after a screw up a few weeks ago, I think my Challenge made it's point clear.

Eat. Clean. Food.
Weigh. All. Food.
Log. All. Food.
Lose. Weight.

So, Eats for today:

B: Apple PB oats
S: 1/4 cup roasted edemame and 1 med banana
L: 1 cup veggie chili (with a whole tbs of grated parm! Yikes!), 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt with 1/4 cup blueberries
S/D: chopped salad with 2 tbs home made dressing, 10 green olives (I freaking love olives) and 1/2 sweet potato.
S: I will likely be hungry once I get home... not sure what will go on then. Or I might be too tired and just faceplant.

I don't have much to say. I'm moving along the good path again, and it makes me happy.

On a strange and likely non-weight loss related note (or, maybe not?) I haven't had a period in a while. Nothing for at least 6 weeks, may be more like 7 to 8... I don't normally keep track, because I don't really need to. Until I miss one. I'm not freaking, it's just a little weird.

That's all for now peeps. Can't wait for BODYOLOGY tomorrow.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Challenge, Day 7 (oh, yeah, and 5 and 6)

Hello Blogger peeps-

I'm such a bad blogger on the weekends! I just never have time to sit down and write. So, here we are on Monday and I will update you on the last 3 days of the challenge...

This weekend was a tough-y for sure. Temptations were everywhere. I admit I almost caved a few times, but kept moving forward with the "just for today" idea. I'm going to stick out this challenge "just for today". Crossed each one in the same way...

It's all that pumpkin stuff out, dammit. It's everywhere! Let's take a super healthy vegetable and fill it with sugar - BAM - instant inner-fat-girl-junkie reaction. So, what did I do? I made incredible pumpkin blueberry oatmeal for breakfast yesterday and today. I used pumpkin pie spices, and I think it was fantastic. Not one stitch of added sugar (sweetness only from blueberries), and not one stitch of added artificial sweetner.


My hubby stayed strong with me, although he was as wavery as me at times. I'm really glad we stuck it out. This morning I found myself saying: "now what?"

Hmmmm, now what... well, the diet soda is gone for good, as far as I am concerned. Cheese? Yes, I miss it a little. I would have liked a little sprinkle of parmasean on my chili today - but that's the difference. A sprinkle or parm, or an oz of my reduced fat chedder, but not 4 oz a day. Let's see - stevia... well, I will likely use a little again. But I have found such great sweetness in using fruits for sweet things (like oatmeal) I will likely save it for use in something that is only on occasion.

Oh my beloved Click. I am afraid that I will not like the way it tastes now. It's really out of my system. I will find alternative coffee sustinance. Decaf, likely, and maybe using a little almond milk and stevia? Not sure. Untill I really am interested in it, I'm not going to worry about it. A little black tea in the morning is perfectly fine with me right now.

So, I guess "what now" is just more of the same. I feel good. Yes, it's hard, but it's healthy and fuels my body correctly.

I killed it on Saturday morning at Bodyology. KILLED. IT.

I went for a run outside yesterday - it wasnt as humid as it has been and was a little cooler. When I got back home, I was frustrated. I felt like it sucked. I walked a little more than I would have liked, and I didn't conqure the hills like I wanted. My legs felt like lead. I pushed and pushed and ran most of it, and really, I guess I only walked part of one hill... anyway, in hindsite, I got out there and did it, so that just has to be a plus. I didn't let the toughness of it allow me to stop halfway, or just walk home. So, I guess there is still triumph there.

Eats for today:

B: Blueberry Pumpkin Spice oatmeal
S: 3 tbs hummus, 1 cup total baby carrots and red peppers (I LOVE red peppers)
L: 1 cup vegetarian chili (some yellow squash and spinach in this one. Came out great) 1/2 banana
S: 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup roasted edemame
D: It will be late (school after work), and I'm not sure what I will feel like... but I do have some awesome black bean quinoa burgers home in the fridge - perhaps over a salad. 1/2 sweet potato might seal the deal.
Tons of water, 1 cup of vanilla almond tea (black)

One thing I FINALLY realized yesterday is after about day 4 I started to feel more full on less food. My tummy just had to adjust. I'm averaging about 1300 cals per day. I'm at 704 right now without dinner.

Ok, peeps. That's all I've got - Monday is super busy here and I have been writing little snippets all morning. Time to get back to it!

Keep moving forward!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Disgusted, Challenge Day 4, and Surgical Consult

OK , guys... check out this beauty:

Dr. OZ 99 Diet Foods

O. M. G.

I think I see exactly 17 things on this whole list that are not filled with crap artificial ingredients. And most of them are in the "condiment" section. It's disgusting how much money this guy is making to hock "health food"

Ok. I'm moving on.

It's Challenge Day 4 and things feel a bit easier. My hubby disagrees. He wants some diet soda. lol. I got him some seltzer.

TGIF babies. This week getting back into school and church meetings, in addition to work and kids has been... um... eye opening. For example, I honestly did not even realize I have not exercised since Monday. MONDAY PEOPLE. WTF?? Needless to say, this weekend is going to be painful because I'm going to make up all that time at home and at Bodyology.

I guess I need to go back to scheduling in workouts. I know Tues and Thursdays will not happen, since I'm out the door at 6:00 and not back in till 9:00 and Monday will be tough, as class is till 8:15... I walk on lunch, but I don't count that as a workout. That means the W, F, S and S will have to be it. Got to get it done!

Alright, so on to my appointment. This surgeon is awesome. I have seen some of her work, and she was personable, knowledgeable, and patient with my questions. Awesome. I feel like I will be in good hands.

She tells me I actually need a more extended procedure that previously thought. It's hard to explain, but I will need 2 incisions to do the job right, a vertical down the center, and a horizontal along the pelvic bone. The horizontal incision will be used to remove the whole bottom section, which will then be pulled tight and closed up, and the vertical will be pulled into the center, skin removed and then closed up.


The arms will be straightforward. Incision from elbow to under the arm. Skin removed and pulled tight (but not too tight!) and closed up.

She had one of the other docs come in and see me, hear my story and check out my arms. He said he is doing a newer method of arms, and described it to me. What it comes down to is, there will be less scar, but also less taken off, and for my arms, because they are so loose all the way to the elbow (and even beyond, but there is nothing to do about that), it really wouldn't work and could even need a revision. I told him I don’t care about the scar. This is not a vanity thing, I'll wear a scar proudly. I will not wear hanging skin proudly... not when it causes pain and excessive care.

So, everything has been compiled and sent to the insurance company. I will call next week to see if they have heard anything. The doctor *seemed* very confident that the abdomen would be covered, but is, as I suspected, less optimistic about the arms.

So, send me up some good thoughts that whoever reviews my case will be kind. I would still like to lose about 20 lbs before surgery, but I'm not going to STOP myself from having it if I don't get quite that much.

When I told the doc I wanted to lose more, her eyebrows shot up - "MORE?" lol... yes. I guess it seems like 175 would be enough. But I want a normal BMI, and if I lose 20, and 20 of skin I will be.

Here is the link to my fundraising page, even if you just want to check out the whole story!

Kelliann's Reconstructive Surgery

Alright guys. Head into the weekend strong and keep moving forward!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Challenge, Day 3

Mary over at A Small Loss was lovely to remind me that SUCE is, in fact, SUCK in French.

Awesome! It's so appropriate!

Challenge Day 3 of the Super Ultra Clean Eating Challenge is about half way over.

Damn, is it really only Day 3?? DAMN

I want to tell you that I don't miss my coffee protein shake in the AM, but I would be lying. BUT, I will keep moving forward and I believe that I WILL at some point not care about it at all.

Headache was prevolent this morning, but 1 cup of black tea was enough to help it subside. I think the weaning is better... and so does the throbing in my head.

One very good sign we are headed in the right direction is how sweet my Nutty Monkey oatmeal tasted this morning. Amazing what 1/2 a banana will do to sweeten something when you aren't assulting your taste buds with the other crap.

I am hoping to see the scale bust below that 190 I've been sitting at with this little boost. I will weigh in on Sunday or Monday morning.

Work is crazy, schedule is crazy, kids are crazy (but awesome)...

Eats for today:
B: Nutty Monkey Oatmeal (oats, 1/2 banana, 2 tbs PB)
S: 1/2 banana 1 oz almonds
L: 4 oz spicy shrimp (thank you hubby!) with 1/2 cup brown rice and chopped veggie salad with 2 tbs homemade dressing
S: 3 oz chicken meatloaf muffin
D: No freaking clue. :-)

I'm so full now after lunch, I'm not even worried about snack or dinner or anything else.

Doctor appointment at 3:30. Nervous. Will hopefully get the lowdown on if insurance is going to play ball, and if not, what these surgeries are going to run me. I am really, really hoping she has a good outlook on the insurance co..

From the doctors I go to math class, from math I stop and have 10 minutes with my boys, and then off to church choir rehearsal. That gets done around 9:00. Stop at the store for kids milk and yogurt, and for a few fresh fruits and veggies, since we are OUT. Home to make all lunches, and then face-plant in the bed and hope for a fast Friday.

How's it going with all of YOU out there??

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Project

You get a double-header today, folks!

So, I have mentioned previously that I was working on a project. Well, I guess I am working on multiple projects, but this is one of them.

I have also mentioned before about skin removal surgery and attempting to get the insurance company to pay for at least PART of the abdominalplasty (belly).

Well, I'm still trying.

In fact, tomorrow I see a different surgeon. One that is a specialist on surgery after large weight loss. She is the head of the department at the hospital I work for.

I am nervous. But, I digress.

On to the project. Since it is obvious that the insurance company will NOT cover the brachioplasty (arms), I knew I needed to find a way to raise/make the money. So, I developed this site:

It's my page where I am fundraising for the money to have my surgeries. On it you will find before and after pictures, and a video Q&A where I actually show my skin issues.

This was a really difficult thing to do. I am sure many of you can imagine how it would feel to show the world horrible, ugly, hanging skin. I am baring myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, to the world. But these procedures are THAT important to me. I want to be normal. I want to lead a normal life without the constant painful (physical and mental) reminder of the 365 pound woman I once was.

Feel free to check out the site. Let me know what you think.

SUCE Challenge Day 2

I think it's hilarious that that acronym for my Super Ultra Clean Eating Challenge looks strikingly like the word SUCK.

SUCE=SUCK = hilarity.

Ok, it's not really that bad right now. Yesterday was pretty horrible. Metal spikes searing into my brain is an accurate description of how I felt by the end of Day 1.

It's pretty incredible actually - I had no idea how much of the artificial stuff I was really consuming until I cut it out totally, and frankly, I'm missing it. But, I KNOW it's so much better for me to be without, and I ALSO know that this "missing it" feeling will pass, once it's all outta my system. (right?? lol)

Let's talk about caffeine for a moment. I really don't have a problem with caffeine. I didn't start this challenge in order to specifically get rid of caffeine. It came along for the ride because most of the caffeine I was consuming was through diet soda or my morning Click protein coffee. I have NEVER liked regualr coffee or plain tea. Well, this morning I decided to try a little plain tea and surprisingly it was pretty good!

A little caffeine for the one cup of tea - seems like a nice happy medium to me. What do you guys think? Is this "excuse making" or "balance"?

I'm still logging all of my food, to keep my calories in check, but I don't see that as being a problem.

Eats for today:

B: Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal ( 1/2 cup plain oats, cooked in microwave for 2 minutes with 1/4 cup unsweetnend almond milk. After it's cooked, added 2 tbs (yes, 2!) of natural pb, and 1/2 cup of strawberries I had pulsed up in the food processor. Came out very good, if I do say so myself)
S: banana
L: large salad with 2 tbs less-oil dressing (homemade), 3/4 cup 2 bean vegetarian chili and 1/2 sweet potato. (Holy crap, I am stuffed)
S: Don't think I'll need one, but I have a meatloaf muffin...
D: Veggie and egg scramble with spinach, peppers, tomatoes, a little corn, and maybe a little salsa thrown in with 2-3 egg whites. A little seasoning
S: Apple

Total calories before dinner and apple is 872...

I'm trying to shove the water in, but I feel really bloated, and frankly, I look a little pregnant. But, I am constantly sipping to try and get it all in.

Gym later. Cook later. Sleep later...

Going strong... or, at least, going! :-)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Challenge Day 1

Here we are people - day one of Super Ultra Clean Eating Challenge.

I named it myself. Yes, you may admire it.

Basically, it's a way of ridding my eating plan of all the crap that has crept in. 1 tablespoon of stevia into my oatmeal bake turns into a diet soda here and there back into the full swing of 2 diet sodas per day.

I know, the stuff is a killer. And it's just as addictive as the real deal... we just don't see the consequences of it as quickly or blatantly, so we ignore it.

Taking out all artificial sweetener has also put a kibosh on my delightful protein coffee in the AM.

Thus, the reason for the raging caffeine withdrawal headache that is currently pounding.

Also, I am removing dairy, except for up to 6 oz plain, non-fat Greek yogurt a day. This is tough... I was telling myself that it was tough because it's a big source of protein for me. This IS true, however, it's really hard because I LOVE cheese, dammit. Once again, it's going overboard, and I am removing it for now. After the challenge, it will be re-introduced in smaller amounts.

The fake-sugar? Nope. Will not be re-introduced.

I am feeling like this will help me stay away from regular sugar too, by reducing the cravings over all.

So, eats for today... still feeling it all out...
B: "Mug Oatmeal" made with 1/2 cup oats (broken down a little in the food processor), 3 tbs unsweetened almond milk, 1 tbs natural peanut butter (just peanuts and salt, people!) 1/2 banana. Smoosh together (very technical term) and microwave for 1 minute. It was a little dry, so next time, I'll add some water or a little more almond milk as well. But very yummy.
S: 15 baby carrots, 2 tbs hummus
L: 2 chicken meatloaf muffins (if you are interested in the recipe, let me know) 3/4 cup steamed broccoli
S: banana, 1 oz almonds
D: 1/2 cup chick peas, slightly mashed, 1/4 cup salsa, 2 tbs nutritional yeast
S: 4-6 oz Greek yogurt... not sure what will accompany it...

All food is being eaten on the run, so everything had to be packed. Today’s schedule is:

work 7:30 - 4:30
(walk to school, buy my math (yuck) book)
School 5:20 - 6:30
Meeting 7:30 - 9:00

I have a little hour in the middle of school and meeting... the question is -do I stop home briefly and potentially make it worse for Thing 1 and 2 when I have to leave again? Or sit in my car and work on my extra projects... I dunno...

Inner Fat Girl is bitching somethin' fierce: "This was NOT a good day to start this. You are TOO busy and TOO stressed and it's too much to handle it all. At LEAST go get a nice, cold, bubbly Diet Dr. Pepper to help you through the afternoon..."

No thanks, IFG.

Keep moving forward...

Monday, September 3, 2012

Super ultra clean challenge

Happy Labor Day!

Just a quick post to announce that I will be participating in what I call a "super ultra clean challenge". It was be a more strict version of te eating I do normally. The differences are as follows:

No sugar (which I'm already doing, but I'm going to be extremely careful that NOTHING I eat has any added sugar at all. Seasoning, any kind of bread product, nothing)

No artificial sweetener

No dairy, except 1 serving of plain greek yogurt a day. This means no cheese, and I WILL miss it!!

The focus will be on vegetables, lean proteins, beans and legumes, 3 servings of fruit (max) per day, healthy fats, nuts, and water, water, and water...

This will last for at least a week. Ater which I will reassess incorporating *some* cheese back in, but keep sugar and artificial sweetener out.

This begins tomorrow, since I have to grocery shop for it! Mini meatloaves and black bean burgers being prepped for tomorrow!

Keep moving forward!!