Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Here it is
I’m not sure where this post is going to go. I know that things are wring right now. My thoughts are wrong. My actions are wrong. My body is wrong. My spirit is wrong.
As I posted on my Facebook Page yesterday, I promised honesty. Even when it’s ugly and frustrating, I am not going to lie to you. Why would I do that, you might ask? Why pretend everything is lovely when it’s not? Well, one reason I know that other bloggers do it is because of the judgment they receive when they are honest about being off the path. But judge away. I’m not going to lie about anything.
I, like many, suffer from depression and anxiety. I am sure I have mentioned this before. For several reasons, my meds lapsed, and I thought I would be ok. Until I wasn’t.
I knew there was a problem when I didn’t want to go to the workouts I loved so much. And when I did go, it took everything in me not to cry throughout. I put all of my energy into them to try and block everything else out. But I could feel my energy level was much lower than normal. Picking up lighter weights for a movement is hard on the self-esteem.
My husband knew when I started telling him “I just want everyone to leave me alone”…
It was a slow decline. So slow that I didn’t really notice it until I fell off the “cliff”. Until I was in the black hole of The Nothing. Getting out of The Nothing is hard work. It’s hard work to try and keep all of your over-scheduled balls in the air with kids, home, work, school, workouts, committees, tutoring… You feel like you are drowning and there is nothing to hold on to. But you have to keep it going. If you drop those balls, everyone else will fall apart too. And it will be all your fault.
At work I am doing the job of 2+ people again. I am attempting to train a temp for one position, but there are complications that prevent her from taking over the whole job. It’s beyond stressful. I don’t wear makeup to work anymore, because I cry at least once a day and it washes off, so why bother?
School is difficult. I am not a math person and I am feeling behind. So, I got a tutor. I’m very happy for the help, but finding the time in my schedule to be tutored is difficult. I’m home less and less, and although I know they will be fine, my mama-guilt comes into play.
My eating has not been horrible. By that I mean, I am not binging. That is a plus for me, for sure. I’m not eating clean. I’m snacking mindlessly. I’m eating for comfort. I keep trying to return to my clean eating ways, and I feel a sense of anger and resentment. It exacerbates my anxiousness. I cave.
I could drag all this out and explain every reason why I am overwhelmed, but you don’t want to read all of that. A lovely friend of mine reminded me not too long ago that over-scheduling is like BEGGING for bad eating habits to reign. She is probably right about that. But there is simply nothing that I feel I can let go of right now. The only thing I could let go of that wouldn’t effect anyone else is my workouts. It’s the only thing I do that is just for me. I can’t give those up, although that will have to change at the end of the month.
I know I am sucking. My clothes fit terribly; my self-esteem is in the toilet. I’m avoiding mirrors. When I was thinking about this post, I briefly thought it would be better to say that I had been drinking (no, I have not) than to admit I have been eating. Isn’t that horrible? I am so disgusted with myself, that I would have felt better if I had a drinking problem over an eating problem.
Now that in itself is a problem.
I’m not going to blather on anymore. I have my meds. I am faithfully taking them, and I am trying to be kind to myself and move through the day one moment at a time.
Keep moving forward – whatever that might mean for you.