This is a drive-by-Holy-Shit-this-is-the-crazy-week-from-hell-because-I-am-all-alone-dealing-with-5 -nurses-and-5-doctors-by-myself post. My co-worker has been gone a week as of yesterday, and we have had urgent patients galore. We have also lost 5 patients this week. This weighs very heavily on my heart. I hate, hate, hate that we can't help everyone... it's a really hard thing to just "leave at the door" when Ileave for the day. I think of these people and their families and the loss... it's so hard for them. Makes me very sad.
I don't even know what to say except my eating is poor. My exercise, when I have been able to get it this week, has been good and "ugly". Ugly meaning that there is nothing leasurly or sweet about it. It's grunting, screaming, swearing and a whole lot of sweating. I've been taking my stress out on my workouts for sure. I think I've scared some regular gym goers. Bodyology chicks know the score, and they scream and swear right along with me. That's just how we roll. Thank GOD for this outlet.
Eating is bad. I need to get my shit together. Seriously. I got lazy cooking becuase of the schedule and stress this week and we have been subsisting on less than clean fare. When I think back at how I USED to eat, even back when I *thought* I was eating healthy... and what I consider unhealthy now... it's just worlds different. I'm so grateful for that... even when it's bad, it's not as bad as it once was. Progress, not perfection.
If I don't cut myself a little slack at this moment, I don't know what would occur... for real, guys. So, if you have any judgy comments, please spare me just this one time. I KNOW I am not doing what I am supposed to be. There is NO real excuse, and I have to GET IT TOGTHER. So, there is nothing you can say that I don't already know...
OK, breathe...
Hurricane/Tropical Storm headed our way. Last summer we got one of these babies and we were out of power for 5 days. I have already grabbed some batteries for flashlights, in case. On the way home, will get glowsticks for the kids, a few more flashlights and non-perishable food. No grocery shopping this weekend, because I'm not going to speand money just to lose everything. Will go out and buy things to get us through the weeknd only, and take it from there. We should be getting screwed by this thing by Monday morning...
I went and told hubby I think we need some relationship counceling. I truly think we do. Our communication sucks right now, we have nothing as a couple except Thing 1 and Thing 2, and I'm not going' down like that.
I don't think he's happy about the idea, but frankly, I'm not happy overall. I want to work on this before it gets worse.
Add it to the list.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 are good and healthy, Thank you Lord, God. They are just the sparkle and life and all that is good in my world. I went through an issue this week where my in-laws thought it would be ok to take Thign 1 early from school to take him out to lunch. Without our permission. Without our KNOWLEDGE. And the school LET THEM. Now, let me say that hubby's parents are on the list of people that Thing 1 can be given to, as they pick him up after school and hang out with him till hubby gets out of work. HOWEVER, there was never permission for him to leave school during school hours.
Let's just say I cracked down on the shit MIGHTY QUICK.
Do NOT fuck with this mama and her babies. The school got an earful, notes have been written and complaints filed.
The in-laws are another story.
Ok. This is all I have time for. I have to run before I get buried under piles of crap....
Keep moving (ever slowly) forward...
PROGRESS!
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Destiny, or, the strange things that keep you on track
I had experiences yesterday and today that I felt were significant, and things I might have missed if I hadn't been aware of myself and my surroundings.
I went up to the cafe yesterday, feigning for a snack of some sort. I had no intentions of it being clean vs. not-clean, just something to snack on. I wasn’t into anything I had packed from home.
Got upstairs, looking around… pretty slim pickings (slimmer than usual), as it was between breakfast and lunch. I finally grabbed a container of plain kasha cereal… knowing it was not a great choice, but thinking it was a better choice than then cocoa puffs next to it. I wandered for a minute longer and got in line.
In front of me was a woman, at least 5’10”, and she had to weight almost 400lbs. I actually know her – I talk to her on the phone all the time setting up testing for patients, and I happened to know her by site, but she does not know me by site. We have developed a nice relationship and I think she is a great person. She was buying a plate of food – what was on the plate is not the point. I looked at her and I remembered. I remembered SO vividly what it was like to be that size. To feel that way. To be totally and utterly miserable. I am not assuming that she is miserable; I was merely remembering that I was miserable at that size. Instantly I thought “Oh my God. I can NEVER go back there”
I also happen to know this woman had a form of weight loss surgery, and gained everything (plus) back. And I know, because she told me at one point.
I got out of line, put down my cereal and went back to my office. As I recall, I ate my banana instead. Obviously what I should have done to begin with. However, I am a big believer in fate or destiny… you know, that sometimes we do things because we need to be in the right place at the right time. We need to see or hear things that will flip a switch in us. I think that was a moment for me – for sure.
Another moment I had today. I was up in the café again, this time getting ½ cup cottage cheese with a sprinkle of sunflower seeds and about 2 tbs of craisins. (much better choice than cereal.) I got in line and running the register was the woman I talk with anytime I am up there. A sweet, heavy woman, who always asks “how is the eating going?” and tells me how she is “always trying” (to lose weight). Today, checking out, she told me, for the first time, that SHE had weight loss surgery, a long while ago (I have no idea when) and she told me she had just gotten back to the size she was at the time of her surgery – “back” is in, she had recently lost weight to get back to that point.
Wow.
Look, if anyone out there still thinks that surgery is the “magic pill” or that it’s “easy”… just know – it’s NOT. There are people all around us who have that surgery and you would never know it. Not because it “didn’t work”, but because the people didn’t change. They didn’t work.
You simply must change yourself. Just look at this guy:
*teehee*
Moving on. Last night’s workout was amazing. I really pushed myself. It was Tabata style with our new “6 is the new 5” rounds. I went up in level on a few exercises. While doing gliding climbers on a medicine ball, Christa came over to me a reminded me of the time I couldn’t even hold a PLANK on the gliders. I have gotten really strong. And I look SO forward to getting stronger.
Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea – so lovely
B: ½ cup quinoa, 2 tbs PB, ½ cup pureed strawberries
S: ½ cup cottage cheese, 2 tbs craisins, sprinkle of sunflower seeds
L: 1.2 quinoa and black bean stuffed red bell peppers with parmesan on top.
S: 3 tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat/flax pita
S: banana
D: unknown. Something with some MEAT. J
Confession: I have not gotten on the scale and I have not logged my food. I will re-start doing this, but I’m experimenting a little. Can I accurately guestimate my calories and macros without having to log them every day? We will see. I AM still measuring my food – because frankly, I cannot trust myself with portion size!
Keep moving forward!
I went up to the cafe yesterday, feigning for a snack of some sort. I had no intentions of it being clean vs. not-clean, just something to snack on. I wasn’t into anything I had packed from home.
Got upstairs, looking around… pretty slim pickings (slimmer than usual), as it was between breakfast and lunch. I finally grabbed a container of plain kasha cereal… knowing it was not a great choice, but thinking it was a better choice than then cocoa puffs next to it. I wandered for a minute longer and got in line.
In front of me was a woman, at least 5’10”, and she had to weight almost 400lbs. I actually know her – I talk to her on the phone all the time setting up testing for patients, and I happened to know her by site, but she does not know me by site. We have developed a nice relationship and I think she is a great person. She was buying a plate of food – what was on the plate is not the point. I looked at her and I remembered. I remembered SO vividly what it was like to be that size. To feel that way. To be totally and utterly miserable. I am not assuming that she is miserable; I was merely remembering that I was miserable at that size. Instantly I thought “Oh my God. I can NEVER go back there”
I also happen to know this woman had a form of weight loss surgery, and gained everything (plus) back. And I know, because she told me at one point.
I got out of line, put down my cereal and went back to my office. As I recall, I ate my banana instead. Obviously what I should have done to begin with. However, I am a big believer in fate or destiny… you know, that sometimes we do things because we need to be in the right place at the right time. We need to see or hear things that will flip a switch in us. I think that was a moment for me – for sure.
Another moment I had today. I was up in the café again, this time getting ½ cup cottage cheese with a sprinkle of sunflower seeds and about 2 tbs of craisins. (much better choice than cereal.) I got in line and running the register was the woman I talk with anytime I am up there. A sweet, heavy woman, who always asks “how is the eating going?” and tells me how she is “always trying” (to lose weight). Today, checking out, she told me, for the first time, that SHE had weight loss surgery, a long while ago (I have no idea when) and she told me she had just gotten back to the size she was at the time of her surgery – “back” is in, she had recently lost weight to get back to that point.
Wow.
Look, if anyone out there still thinks that surgery is the “magic pill” or that it’s “easy”… just know – it’s NOT. There are people all around us who have that surgery and you would never know it. Not because it “didn’t work”, but because the people didn’t change. They didn’t work.
You simply must change yourself. Just look at this guy:
*teehee*
Moving on. Last night’s workout was amazing. I really pushed myself. It was Tabata style with our new “6 is the new 5” rounds. I went up in level on a few exercises. While doing gliding climbers on a medicine ball, Christa came over to me a reminded me of the time I couldn’t even hold a PLANK on the gliders. I have gotten really strong. And I look SO forward to getting stronger.
Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea – so lovely
B: ½ cup quinoa, 2 tbs PB, ½ cup pureed strawberries
S: ½ cup cottage cheese, 2 tbs craisins, sprinkle of sunflower seeds
L: 1.2 quinoa and black bean stuffed red bell peppers with parmesan on top.
S: 3 tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat/flax pita
S: banana
D: unknown. Something with some MEAT. J
Confession: I have not gotten on the scale and I have not logged my food. I will re-start doing this, but I’m experimenting a little. Can I accurately guestimate my calories and macros without having to log them every day? We will see. I AM still measuring my food – because frankly, I cannot trust myself with portion size!
Keep moving forward!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Different 'tude
Yea, I have a different attitude the past few days. A need for calm. I am sure you guys out there can relate that after going through something stressful we crave peace.
Well, we crave cupcakes too, but we aren't going to do that. Cupcakes and the like only add to stress. For REAL.
I've been striving to keep myself from getting stressed about daily shit I can't control. I can't control (to a degree) how the mornings go with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. Sometimes, we are out the door like clockwork. Sometimes, it's hell in a hand-basket just getting them dressed. It is what it is, and I have to remind myself of that several times, remind myself to breath... it's NOT the end of the world, even if I do end up a few minutes late for work (which, even on bad days, rarely happens)
I've been walking on my lunch break, notjust for the exercise factor, but for the deep breathing, "reset" attitude that comes with getting outside, especially on a cool fall day, and taking it all in. I did it today, and it was fantastic.
Days like today, where I am going from one thing right to the next from wake up (5:45) to getting home (9:30), it's so easy for me to get overwhelmed. But man, I have to put things in perspective now.
I have this thing about being late. It comes from being the fat girl. When you are the fat girl in college, you do NOT want to show up late to class. You do NOT want to squeeze by people to get to a seat in the middle of a very long line in a lecture hall. You want to show up early, sometimes ridiculously early, to get a seat, usually on the end, because they tended to be, (or at least to feel) a little wider. You could lean toward the aisle as to not infringe on the personal space of the person sitting next to you.
Being early was very important. And to this day, being on time = being early, even if there is no worry about me knocking peoples books off a desk with my ass. But it's something that has stuck with me and stresses me a LOT. Thinking about being late makes my pulse race. Sitting in traffic, thinking I "won't make it" on time causes total panic.
It’s something I have known for a while I need to work on. And now, more than ever, I don’t need this panic in my life. Yes, this blog is about weight loss and career change going into the nutrition field, but it’s also about wellbeing and life. Eliminating, or at least decreasing, the self-inflicted stress from my life needs to be at the forefront, as well as continuing my weight loss journey (that one was for you, Norma!! LOL)
Short update on reconstructive surgery – what a mind fuck. It’s a little bit of a mess. Not going to happen in December, which is fine. Maybe March. Working with the office. When I have a DATE for surgery THEN they will submit the paperwork to insurance. All this time, I have been waiting to hear from them about insurance, and it was never sent. I don’t get the whole needing-a-date-and-THEN-getting-clearance… because I can’t have the surgery without the insurance… soooo… I dunno, is it just me that this system is backwards? Whatever, it’s being worked on.
Not one moment for exercise today. Tomorrow back to Bodyology after a week of being away, so I can’t freaking WAIT.
Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea. Perfect for fall.
B: 1 slice Ezekiel bread, 2 TBS PB
S: Larabar
L: Spaghetti Squash bake with parmesan cheese… this is really delish. Just veggies, veggies veggies and some parm on top.
S: 3 Tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat pita
D: 2 oz cabot 75%, strawberries
S: I am sure there will be one when I get home tonight, just not sure what it is yet.
Ok guys, that’s all I’ll spew today
Keep moving forward…
Well, we crave cupcakes too, but we aren't going to do that. Cupcakes and the like only add to stress. For REAL.
I've been striving to keep myself from getting stressed about daily shit I can't control. I can't control (to a degree) how the mornings go with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. Sometimes, we are out the door like clockwork. Sometimes, it's hell in a hand-basket just getting them dressed. It is what it is, and I have to remind myself of that several times, remind myself to breath... it's NOT the end of the world, even if I do end up a few minutes late for work (which, even on bad days, rarely happens)
I've been walking on my lunch break, not
Days like today, where I am going from one thing right to the next from wake up (5:45) to getting home (9:30), it's so easy for me to get overwhelmed. But man, I have to put things in perspective now.
I have this thing about being late. It comes from being the fat girl. When you are the fat girl in college, you do NOT want to show up late to class. You do NOT want to squeeze by people to get to a seat in the middle of a very long line in a lecture hall. You want to show up early, sometimes ridiculously early, to get a seat, usually on the end, because they tended to be, (or at least to feel) a little wider. You could lean toward the aisle as to not infringe on the personal space of the person sitting next to you.
Being early was very important. And to this day, being on time = being early, even if there is no worry about me knocking peoples books off a desk with my ass. But it's something that has stuck with me and stresses me a LOT. Thinking about being late makes my pulse race. Sitting in traffic, thinking I "won't make it" on time causes total panic.
It’s something I have known for a while I need to work on. And now, more than ever, I don’t need this panic in my life. Yes, this blog is about weight loss and career change going into the nutrition field, but it’s also about wellbeing and life. Eliminating, or at least decreasing, the self-inflicted stress from my life needs to be at the forefront, as well as continuing my weight loss journey (that one was for you, Norma!! LOL)
Short update on reconstructive surgery – what a mind fuck. It’s a little bit of a mess. Not going to happen in December, which is fine. Maybe March. Working with the office. When I have a DATE for surgery THEN they will submit the paperwork to insurance. All this time, I have been waiting to hear from them about insurance, and it was never sent. I don’t get the whole needing-a-date-and-THEN-getting-clearance… because I can’t have the surgery without the insurance… soooo… I dunno, is it just me that this system is backwards? Whatever, it’s being worked on.
Not one moment for exercise today. Tomorrow back to Bodyology after a week of being away, so I can’t freaking WAIT.
Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea. Perfect for fall.
B: 1 slice Ezekiel bread, 2 TBS PB
S: Larabar
L: Spaghetti Squash bake with parmesan cheese… this is really delish. Just veggies, veggies veggies and some parm on top.
S: 3 Tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat pita
D: 2 oz cabot 75%, strawberries
S: I am sure there will be one when I get home tonight, just not sure what it is yet.
Ok guys, that’s all I’ll spew today
Keep moving forward…
Monday, October 15, 2012
Update on my testing
By this morning I was DYING to see or hear ANYTHING. I left the doc a message and had not heard anything, so I took a chance and went over to medical records. I signed my release of info and LUCKILY the girl there printed everything for me...
Ultrasound: NO arterial stenosis, everything looks NORMAL
Blood work: NORMAL
Chest X-ray: NORMAL
Can I say I teared up just reading it. I am so fucking grateful.
This weekend was just a bunch of nervous stress, waiting waiting waiting. Doc's orders I couldn't do bootcamp on Saturday, but I DID go to the gym on Sunday. I just HAD to move my body. I felt like a slug and I knew my head would feel clearer once I went. I didn't go nuts, a walk/run on the dread-mill. And yes, I felt a million times better after.
Now, knowing that everything looks good, I can't WAIT to get my sweat on tonight. YES.
We still don't know what made the sounds the doc was hearing, but I can't imagine that if these tests all say things are fine, that there could be any issue.
SO, on to OTHER stuff - ANYTHING but this testing crap.
Looks like I lost a few followers. I guess I offended/bored someone so much they dropped me. lol
Seriously, though, I appreciate followers, but this blog is for me. It's my journal that happens to be online that people can check out if they feel like it. If you don't like what you are reading, please go read something else. I don't need any more negativity in my life!
I have already registered for NEXT years Rugged Maniac. Yes... I have finally come to terms with my race. I DID IT. NO one else did it for me. I only needed marginal help on a few things, and I could have BAILED but I DIDN'T.
So, I am back to believing that I rock. Or, I am at least going to "fake it till I make it"
For next year, I roped my hubby into doing it. Now we gotta whip him into shape. We are going to start with running. By next year, I want us to be able to run a 10K by then, so that the 5K feels much easier.
One thing I can reflect on with the RM is my core strength was my weakness. With more core strength, my balance would have been better and things like swinging over the shorter walls and feeling steady up on the top of the taller ones would have been better. Another goal.
I still have my other goals - my box jumps are a particular one I am working on CRUSHING.
That's all for now. It's taken me all day just to write this. Class tonight, then a run. This week is nutty as normal. We have parent/teacher conference for Thing 1 on Thursday. I can't waitit hear how much my kid rocks from someone else... uh, I mean, ummm, to be sure he is being a good boy. :-)
Keep moving forward...
Ultrasound: NO arterial stenosis, everything looks NORMAL
Blood work: NORMAL
Chest X-ray: NORMAL
Can I say I teared up just reading it. I am so fucking grateful.
This weekend was just a bunch of nervous stress, waiting waiting waiting. Doc's orders I couldn't do bootcamp on Saturday, but I DID go to the gym on Sunday. I just HAD to move my body. I felt like a slug and I knew my head would feel clearer once I went. I didn't go nuts, a walk/run on the dread-mill. And yes, I felt a million times better after.
Now, knowing that everything looks good, I can't WAIT to get my sweat on tonight. YES.
We still don't know what made the sounds the doc was hearing, but I can't imagine that if these tests all say things are fine, that there could be any issue.
SO, on to OTHER stuff - ANYTHING but this testing crap.
Looks like I lost a few followers. I guess I offended/bored someone so much they dropped me. lol
Seriously, though, I appreciate followers, but this blog is for me. It's my journal that happens to be online that people can check out if they feel like it. If you don't like what you are reading, please go read something else. I don't need any more negativity in my life!
I have already registered for NEXT years Rugged Maniac. Yes... I have finally come to terms with my race. I DID IT. NO one else did it for me. I only needed marginal help on a few things, and I could have BAILED but I DIDN'T.
So, I am back to believing that I rock. Or, I am at least going to "fake it till I make it"
For next year, I roped my hubby into doing it. Now we gotta whip him into shape. We are going to start with running. By next year, I want us to be able to run a 10K by then, so that the 5K feels much easier.
One thing I can reflect on with the RM is my core strength was my weakness. With more core strength, my balance would have been better and things like swinging over the shorter walls and feeling steady up on the top of the taller ones would have been better. Another goal.
I still have my other goals - my box jumps are a particular one I am working on CRUSHING.
That's all for now. It's taken me all day just to write this. Class tonight, then a run. This week is nutty as normal. We have parent/teacher conference for Thing 1 on Thursday. I can't waitit hear how much my kid rocks from someone else... uh, I mean, ummm, to be sure he is being a good boy. :-)
Keep moving forward...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Bruit, or NOT going down without a FIGHT
Tuesday began normally, but after I got to work, I started experiencing some back pain in my upper/mid back - think shoulder blades and down a little. Totally inexplicable. I hadn't even worked out on Monday, so pain made no sense.
Went through the day taking Tylenol and the pain getting a bit worse. Using the heating pad Tuesday night and not sleeping AT ALL Tuesday night.
Wednesday it wasn't any better. Because I couldn't figure out WHY it was hurting, I gave my doc a call who said she wanted to see me.
Flash forward to the appointment yesterday. My extremely thorough doctor asked lots of questions and proceeded to check me out. After listening to my heart for EVER, and taking blood pressure in both arms (112/64 was the first one she told me) at least 3x each, tells me she is worried. She hears an Aortic Bruit which is really just a term for a sound that really shouldn't be there. She actually hears two of them. She tells me that she is worried. She contemplates sending me to the ED. At this point, I am feeling desperate just to get home.
She says it could be aortic dissection - very, very bad. She senses a slight change in blood pressure between each arm, which is another sign, but it is a very small change. This bruit, coupled with sudden onset of back pain is what makes her think there is something seriously wrong happening.
She finally agrees to let me go home, with my promise that if anything changed (she sent me off with a list of things to watch for) I would call 911. Today was the first set of tests, which were just blood work and a chest x-ray. It SEEMED as though the chest x-ray was good - because after looking at it for a few minutes, asking me if I was following up with my doc, they sent me on my way.
Tomorrow morning, I will have Doppler ultrasounds of both places she heard the bruits. At this point, I have talked with my doc some more, and she is feeling less worried, which makes me a little less worried too. She said it could be that I have a tortuous aorta - which really just means the aorta curves where it should go straight. If that is the case, we would just have to keep a special eye on my blood pressure to make sure it doesn't start going up - which can be a sign that it's SO curved, it's getting blocked up.
What does all this have to do with weight loss? Well, on the surface, nothing I guess. It's not caused by my weight, or my previous weight. But down a little deeper, it has everything to do with what I really want in my life.
I want to live.
I looked at my precious, gorgeous little boys faces last night, not knowing what was going to happen, or what I was facing, and I started feeling so desperate.
"Please Lord, Please, don't take me away from my boys. Please".
Something like this is unforeseen and can't really be prevented. So, why, when you are suffering from a disease that will kill you (obesity), just as an aortic dissection will kill you:
WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING?
WHY do you sit around and THINK about fixing it.
PLAN to fix it.
AND THEN NOT FIX IT.
I have seen lots of people lately THINKING about change. PLANNING change. SORT-OF changing. I'm not calling anyone out, cause it's not my style. We all have our own battles, and I dig that. But some people out there are KILLING THEMSELVES and it doesn't have to be that way.
If your doctor told you you might have a condition that could KILL you - like a cardiac issue, or cancer. Would you PLAN to MAYBE get some treatment? Start Monday? Or maybe after the holiday?
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?
YOU AND I HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE when faced with the killer disease of obesity.
YES I have lost 175 lbs. BUT I STILL HAVE MORE TO GO.
This cardiac issue may not be in my total control. And boy, does that PISS me off.
These 30 lbs ARE in my control. I am making that happen.
You bet your ASS I am going to do everything in my power to see those little faces as long as I possibly can.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what they will say. But I DO know, that no matter WHAT they say, I will NOT allow my OBESITY to shorten my life.
I am taking control of the things I can. Because I can't control everything.
But I won't go down without one HELL of a fight.
Went through the day taking Tylenol and the pain getting a bit worse. Using the heating pad Tuesday night and not sleeping AT ALL Tuesday night.
Wednesday it wasn't any better. Because I couldn't figure out WHY it was hurting, I gave my doc a call who said she wanted to see me.
Flash forward to the appointment yesterday. My extremely thorough doctor asked lots of questions and proceeded to check me out. After listening to my heart for EVER, and taking blood pressure in both arms (112/64 was the first one she told me) at least 3x each, tells me she is worried. She hears an Aortic Bruit which is really just a term for a sound that really shouldn't be there. She actually hears two of them. She tells me that she is worried. She contemplates sending me to the ED. At this point, I am feeling desperate just to get home.
She says it could be aortic dissection - very, very bad. She senses a slight change in blood pressure between each arm, which is another sign, but it is a very small change. This bruit, coupled with sudden onset of back pain is what makes her think there is something seriously wrong happening.
She finally agrees to let me go home, with my promise that if anything changed (she sent me off with a list of things to watch for) I would call 911. Today was the first set of tests, which were just blood work and a chest x-ray. It SEEMED as though the chest x-ray was good - because after looking at it for a few minutes, asking me if I was following up with my doc, they sent me on my way.
Tomorrow morning, I will have Doppler ultrasounds of both places she heard the bruits. At this point, I have talked with my doc some more, and she is feeling less worried, which makes me a little less worried too. She said it could be that I have a tortuous aorta - which really just means the aorta curves where it should go straight. If that is the case, we would just have to keep a special eye on my blood pressure to make sure it doesn't start going up - which can be a sign that it's SO curved, it's getting blocked up.
What does all this have to do with weight loss? Well, on the surface, nothing I guess. It's not caused by my weight, or my previous weight. But down a little deeper, it has everything to do with what I really want in my life.
I want to live.
I looked at my precious, gorgeous little boys faces last night, not knowing what was going to happen, or what I was facing, and I started feeling so desperate.
"Please Lord, Please, don't take me away from my boys. Please".
Something like this is unforeseen and can't really be prevented. So, why, when you are suffering from a disease that will kill you (obesity), just as an aortic dissection will kill you:
WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING?
WHY do you sit around and THINK about fixing it.
PLAN to fix it.
AND THEN NOT FIX IT.
I have seen lots of people lately THINKING about change. PLANNING change. SORT-OF changing. I'm not calling anyone out, cause it's not my style. We all have our own battles, and I dig that. But some people out there are KILLING THEMSELVES and it doesn't have to be that way.
If your doctor told you you might have a condition that could KILL you - like a cardiac issue, or cancer. Would you PLAN to MAYBE get some treatment? Start Monday? Or maybe after the holiday?
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?
YOU AND I HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE when faced with the killer disease of obesity.
YES I have lost 175 lbs. BUT I STILL HAVE MORE TO GO.
This cardiac issue may not be in my total control. And boy, does that PISS me off.
These 30 lbs ARE in my control. I am making that happen.
You bet your ASS I am going to do everything in my power to see those little faces as long as I possibly can.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what they will say. But I DO know, that no matter WHAT they say, I will NOT allow my OBESITY to shorten my life.
I am taking control of the things I can. Because I can't control everything.
But I won't go down without one HELL of a fight.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Recovering
Monday, and I am continuously recovering.
Seriously, I am feeling better. Admittedly, I have been put back on my anti-anxiety medication. I have an appointment to see my doc 10/16.
I really hate taking pills. But, I think it's a combo of them and a lot of rest that has gotten me to this point now. I can move through the day without sheer exhaustion and without feeling as though I am on the verge of tears.
I have been reflecting on the Rugged Maniac. I think I am starting to realize what a feat it was to accomplish. I also think the depression aspect was similar to the let-down experienced after any significant event. Sometimes people feel it after weddings, or a big holiday. There is so much that goes into preparing for something like this - I think I almost felt like... "wait, that's it? It's done?"
Anyway, I'm tired of talking about feeling down, and I am sure you are tired reading about it. So, let's move on, shall we?
I am setting new goals, and looking for new events to train for. I'm note sure if/when I will do an obstacle 5K again, but I need things to work toward. I think they next will be a 5K. There is one in a neighboring town in a few weeks, and then a Thanksgiving Day one that's right in my town. My hubby might even do that one with me.
Another goal is my box jumps. We do box jumps on Rogue boxes:
and for those of us who cannot quite make this height yet, we use steps:
Adding platforms to each side as you get stronger. I was using the step on Saturday, with 5 platforms underneath. As I was working it, Krista came by and added another as she said "You have plenty of clearance. Go for it". Anyone who does box jumps can tell you there is no room for fear, or even thought. There is just sheer, mad momentum propelling you to the top of that box. Well, I want more. I want higher. I want to jump rogue boxes. I'm probably a good 5 inches away from jumping the shortest side of the rogue. But I'm gonna make it my bitch this winter. She will be mine.
Yes, I have weight goal. I got on the scale this morning and it showed me what-for after a week of not-giving-a-shit about what I ate. The 5 lb gain it showed me is KIND in comparison to what I likely deserve. But, it is what it is. I made decisions (yes, I made decisions. Even by the act of not caring or feeling the way I did, I was making my own choices) and now I deal with them.
The plan: tons of water, which I was seriously lacking all week, log every bite, clean things up. I never claimed to be perfect. I never WILL be perfect, but I WILL try my hardest right now, at this moment.
Eats for today:
BB: Pumpkin coffee, 1 tbs sugar free pumpkin syrup
B: ½ cup quinoa, 1 serving almond butter, 1 apple (from the orchard, picked by my little ones hands this weekend. Awesome)
S: 1 scoop Click protein, ½ cup almond milk, water, ice
L: 1 cup chicken chili (made at home. Super good) ¼ cup quinoa, 2 oz Cabot 75%
S: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1 apple
D: ½ sweet potato, 1 cup steamed broccoli, salsa
Yeah, you’re going to see a lot of apples, since we went apple picking this weekend. I don’t mind. I love them, and my kids had a BALL out in the orchard, in the pouring rain (yup) picking apples, eating them as they went, filling up their bags. We got pumpkins and gourds and decorated for Halloween yesterday evening. It was a really good weekend. I even took a NAP. Can you STAND it?? I can’t. Of course, the housework suffered, but I just can’t care right now. I needed some rest. And I finally took it.
Yesterday was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention Walk.
I went with my mom, aunt and cousin, and I took Thing1 along. It’s hard. And I don’t think it will matter how much time goes by, it will continue to be hard. We walked our 5K… even Thing 1 was such a trooper – walking almost the whole thing without needing a break. I carried him at one point for about 5 minutes, but then he was good to walk on his own again. He was very good company and kept me from getting too emotional. I definitely was hugging and lovin’ on him more than normal in light of the circumstances. I pray he never has to feel the pain of depression. He is effected by the loss of Brian, but thankfully not to a big extent.
Alright, this post is already way too long, so I am going to wrap it up. I promise to be back more often now so updates are shorter. lol.
Keep moving forward… I know I always will…
Seriously, I am feeling better. Admittedly, I have been put back on my anti-anxiety medication. I have an appointment to see my doc 10/16.
I really hate taking pills. But, I think it's a combo of them and a lot of rest that has gotten me to this point now. I can move through the day without sheer exhaustion and without feeling as though I am on the verge of tears.
I have been reflecting on the Rugged Maniac. I think I am starting to realize what a feat it was to accomplish. I also think the depression aspect was similar to the let-down experienced after any significant event. Sometimes people feel it after weddings, or a big holiday. There is so much that goes into preparing for something like this - I think I almost felt like... "wait, that's it? It's done?"
Anyway, I'm tired of talking about feeling down, and I am sure you are tired reading about it. So, let's move on, shall we?
I am setting new goals, and looking for new events to train for. I'm note sure if/when I will do an obstacle 5K again, but I need things to work toward. I think they next will be a 5K. There is one in a neighboring town in a few weeks, and then a Thanksgiving Day one that's right in my town. My hubby might even do that one with me.
Another goal is my box jumps. We do box jumps on Rogue boxes:
and for those of us who cannot quite make this height yet, we use steps:
Adding platforms to each side as you get stronger. I was using the step on Saturday, with 5 platforms underneath. As I was working it, Krista came by and added another as she said "You have plenty of clearance. Go for it". Anyone who does box jumps can tell you there is no room for fear, or even thought. There is just sheer, mad momentum propelling you to the top of that box. Well, I want more. I want higher. I want to jump rogue boxes. I'm probably a good 5 inches away from jumping the shortest side of the rogue. But I'm gonna make it my bitch this winter. She will be mine.
Yes, I have weight goal. I got on the scale this morning and it showed me what-for after a week of not-giving-a-shit about what I ate. The 5 lb gain it showed me is KIND in comparison to what I likely deserve. But, it is what it is. I made decisions (yes, I made decisions. Even by the act of not caring or feeling the way I did, I was making my own choices) and now I deal with them.
The plan: tons of water, which I was seriously lacking all week, log every bite, clean things up. I never claimed to be perfect. I never WILL be perfect, but I WILL try my hardest right now, at this moment.
Eats for today:
BB: Pumpkin coffee, 1 tbs sugar free pumpkin syrup
B: ½ cup quinoa, 1 serving almond butter, 1 apple (from the orchard, picked by my little ones hands this weekend. Awesome)
S: 1 scoop Click protein, ½ cup almond milk, water, ice
L: 1 cup chicken chili (made at home. Super good) ¼ cup quinoa, 2 oz Cabot 75%
S: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1 apple
D: ½ sweet potato, 1 cup steamed broccoli, salsa
Yeah, you’re going to see a lot of apples, since we went apple picking this weekend. I don’t mind. I love them, and my kids had a BALL out in the orchard, in the pouring rain (yup) picking apples, eating them as they went, filling up their bags. We got pumpkins and gourds and decorated for Halloween yesterday evening. It was a really good weekend. I even took a NAP. Can you STAND it?? I can’t. Of course, the housework suffered, but I just can’t care right now. I needed some rest. And I finally took it.
Yesterday was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention Walk.
I went with my mom, aunt and cousin, and I took Thing1 along. It’s hard. And I don’t think it will matter how much time goes by, it will continue to be hard. We walked our 5K… even Thing 1 was such a trooper – walking almost the whole thing without needing a break. I carried him at one point for about 5 minutes, but then he was good to walk on his own again. He was very good company and kept me from getting too emotional. I definitely was hugging and lovin’ on him more than normal in light of the circumstances. I pray he never has to feel the pain of depression. He is effected by the loss of Brian, but thankfully not to a big extent.
Alright, this post is already way too long, so I am going to wrap it up. I promise to be back more often now so updates are shorter. lol.
Keep moving forward… I know I always will…
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Small miracles
Not sure what to even call this post yet... maybe something will strike me mid-way.
I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.
Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.
It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.
I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.
So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.
The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.
Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.
I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.
If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.
Full Rugged Maniac Southwick 2012
What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.
*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.
One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.
Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00
Eats:
BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...
When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.
Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...
I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.
Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.
It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.
I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.
So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.
The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.
Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.
I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.
If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.
What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.
*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.
One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.
Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00
Eats:
BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...
When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.
Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...
Monday, October 1, 2012
Rugged Maniac Recap
Alright, here it is. The recap of my muddy, obstacle riddled 5K run yesterday. Warning, it’s long, and gets a little heavy/emotional at the end…
Pics will come later/tomorrow
I will start out by saying my hubby came with me. Although there was a moment last week where he was a little whiney about it, he totally got how important it was to me and was all in. Thank Goodness.
The boys stayed with my mom… I missed their little face so much. But, the drive and waiting would have been torture for them (and us) so they had a fun day at home.
The drive there was easy, and we ended up early. I have to say – there was a LOT of people but this thing was SO incredibly organized that there was very little waiting in lines. I got my number, my chip (which goes through your shoe laces, as tying it up on your shoe is the only really secure place to put it) and my tee and proceeded to… wait.
And wait…
And oh yea, wait…
I finally saw some of my team mates start to filter in. I went over to a few but then I started to notice how many of the girls I DIDN’T know… I mean, everyone who goes to Bodyology has their own schedule, but I wasn’t prepared to NOT know more than ½ the team… but more on this later.
It was 12:45 and a wave had just left. We were up next. There was shaking. Yes, shaking. I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to tackle all of the obstacles. I hung with a few girls I knew who were great. We kept reassuring ourselves and each other that we would rock it.
The first obstacle happened before the race even began! Just to get INTO the cue to race, you had to jump a wall! Damn! LOL…I got over it, but it made me even more worried for what was to come.
I know I won’t remember all of the obstacles (there were 18 total) or the order they went in, but I will try my hardest.
The first was more walls. Both were about 5 feet. At first, I kinda froze. Before even attempting it I uttered the dreaded words: “I don’t think I can do this”. My trainer was there for all of us and she immediately said - “Don’t say that. Just do it”
Breathe. Go.
Up and over. 1, then the other
(Just a side note, this event was SO much work for the trainers, who were running up to help people and back to help stragglers, over and over again… there were a few obstacles I couldn’t have gotten through without their help.)
Ok… moving on… this was the longest running stint. We ran for a while… it was a little tougher than I was used to because it was all rocky trail and mud. I was a little more careful so it took me a little longer…
More walls. Some were planked, so you could easily climb them, then maneuver yourself over the (wobbly feeling) top and climb back down. 2, however, were tougher. About 8 feet high, and only one little, tiny foot ledge near the bottom. When I stood on the foot ledge, the top of the wall was eyeball level.
I dropped several f-bombs at this point.
One of our other trainers, Mike, helped me by giving my lower foot more stability. Once I had that, I was able to push myself up and slowly, very, very slowly, ease my way over. Getting down was like lowering yourself from a pull up… painful, but I did it.
Then, I did it again…
Things get a little blurry now. There was a very dark, small tunnel that you needed to walk through in a crouch position. About ½ way through I was thinking – damn, I hope nothing is living in here. Hehe… Then there was the first of several mud pools that you needed to bear-crawl under barbed wire to get through. Up and down muddy hills and ditches. Running up very, very big hills, a few obstacles and then down the hills again. At one point we slid down narrow plastic tubes into another pool, under barbed wire, and then up another plastic tube. I struggled with this one. One this rope, no knots in it at all… I was about ½ way up when Super Krista emerged to help. She pulled me up (!) part of the way and I made my way out and onward.
I ran over a hill crest and came upon the section I had previously been most nervous about – log jumps. You need to jump from tree-stump (logs) to tree stump. They are very spread apart and by this time in the race are covered in slippery mud. I got a little stabilizing help and hopped across. Score.
Another huge mud pool, up cargo nets; making our way up a massive hill – and the only way down was a HUGE slide. It was really freaking big. I was talking another team mate into going down with me, because she was really scared. Well, I don’t know how, but we went down together and ended up going SIDEWAYS down the slide! YIKES! All I could do was laugh – which landed me with a mouth and nose full of muddy water… ewww. Lol
More walls, more ditches… but around this point I was feeling surprisingly good! I had seen hubby several times (climbing in places he shouldn’t have been to take pics… lol) and he was so encouraging.
Then, I got stuck.
On top of a 15 foot wall.
Yes, on top. See, when scaling the walls, I felt most comfortable keeping to the side. I dunno why, I just felt like I had more to hold on to. However, on this one wall, the cross planks on the way down where in an awkward position… right where I needed to put my foot to get down. I didn’t know what to do. My balance is already precarious. I try scooting down the beams, but by this time, I am afraid. I feel tears starting to sting my eyes and my breath gets heavy.
I am panicking.
Trying to breath, I hear, once again, my trainers talking me down. Mike climbed up to help stabilize me so I could feel comfortable in maneuvering my stance to turn around. I did it, slowly, and though I felt incredibly grateful, I started feeling like… a failure… more on this later…
We were nearing the end now. Climbing up onto our final platform, rolling across cargo netting, which was 20 feet above the concrete, and climb down to the finish line.
We crossed the finish line, more or less as a team… I hung around for a few minutes, and hubby and I made our way back to the car, where he awesomely created a mock tent so I could rinse off and change. Hubby rocks my socks.
Physically today I feel – actually pretty good. I’m sore, for sure, but I was able to get up and out of bed without too much groaning. AS the day is going on, I am getting a little more tired and a lot more sore. Meh, I expected it.
So, let’s revisit this event on an emotional level. I was excited and nervous, yes… but I was not prepared to feel left out of my own team. There were so many girls there, and yes I knew many of them, but there weren’t any that I felt really comfortable jumping into excited-race-day conversation with. I felt… in the way. So, I went for a walk, down to use the bathroom and grab a banana. I talked myself up, saying it was fine, this was MY race and regardless of anyone else, I was doing it for me…
Right?
Well, partially that’s true, but I went into this under the assumption I would feel a lot of camaraderie. And I didn’t.
I later on found out in the less than 10 minutes I was gone to the rest room, they took several team photos. So, I’m not in even one of them.
Go team.
Maybe it was the Inner Fat Girl coming out to say that I don’t really belong to a group of fit athletes. That to put myself in this competition was asking for letdown. Fatties don’t run obstacle races.
So, some of you may be saying right now – but, you DID it!
Yea... I guess, kinda… But, could I have done it if I really was out there on my own? Could I have figured it out, or gotten my footing, or talked myself down off a 15 foot wall?
I know this is the point when I should be super upbeat and positive and say YES! I COULD have done it all by myself! Because I am AWESOME-SAUCE!
But I just don’t know. Maybe I could have. Or maybe I would have been one of those people who had to skirt around some of the obstacles.
Even as I sit here writing all of this, I feel a lump in my throat and my face get flushed with emotion. I look at the team picture, now plastered all over Facebook, see all the kudos going around, and all the “I had so much fun with all these awesome ladies!” and I know that doesn’t include me. That no one would have missed me at all if I hadn’t been there.
I know that shouldn’t been the point. But at this moment… I’m having a hard time getting around it.
I’m not sure where else to go with this right now. My mom gave me a pep-talk last night – remember where you have come from, what you have accomplished. Remember the important things in your life, like your boys… and she is totally right about all those things. I guess I just have to keep trying to swallow the lump in my throat and move on to the next obstacle.
Keep moving forward peeps…
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