Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Small miracles

Not sure what to even call this post yet... maybe something will strike me mid-way.

I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.

Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.

It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.

I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.

So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.

The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.

Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.

I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.

If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.

 Full Rugged Maniac Southwick 2012

What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.

*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.

One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.

Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00

BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...

When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.

Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...


  1. Good for you for recognizing what was going on and making an appointment, Kelliann.

  2. Let me get this straight. The big fat person in the photos you have has become a swan that can run in any race at all, and you are sad. Stand up, slap yourself, thank god that you are awesome, and stop bitching. You will be great, you are great, and go FORWARD...

  3. I think I know why you felt that way -- sheer, utter exhaustion. I've been there more than once, as you saw by my post.

    The fact that you can verbalize what you are going through is HUGE!! Imagine if you had no words and didn't even realize you were starting to spiral down.

    You've made some good choices...hold WILL improve and you WILL get one day, one step closer to being whole

    And this will be just a memory you kind of chuckle about down the road

  4. OH!!! MY!!! GOODNESS!!!! YOU ARE A ROCK STAR!!! Girl this race took you 1 hr 15 min, but the next one you will be faster!! Don't quit!! This is the most amazing thing you did!! Rise up and be that amazing person you are. You can and do things many things that others cannot do!! You rocked it!!!

    Amazing woman you!!

    Keep up the fabulous work and don't let ANYTHING still your joy! I mean it!!

    Keep focused!!