Friday, March 1, 2013

Keeping myself together. Or, at least TRYING to.

I don’t know how to start this blog. Part of me doesn’t even want to write it. But then I remember that this is MY space. MY thoughts. I cannot be consumed with worrying about what anyone else will think or how anyone will judge me. I guess they can just laugh if they want.
I am scared. I feel incredibly depressed. Weak, worried, sad and anxious. And that’s WITH taking depression and anxiety meds! Can you imagine what it would be like without them? I can’t. I don’t want to.
I’m worried about the surgery. I have 2 little babies who need their mama, and there is risk associated with surgery. I know the risk is rare, but I cannot help but think about it. It fills me with fear.
I caved and weighed myself. And I didn’t like what I saw. This has obviously contributed to this particular funk. I don’t know why I just don’t learn. I was SO happy last week. Eating well, exercising, not weighing myself and I just felt freaking great. Stupid fucking numbers should not have the power to bring me down like this. What is wrong with me? I am LETTING IT get the best of me.
Now here I am, digging myself out again. Digging out right before surgery, when I should be relishing in my accomplishments and feeling healthy and strong. I feel weak and cruddy.
I probably wouldn’t feel so weak if I was able to get a really good sweat on. I am doing a variety of exercises today that I hope will not contribute to the sciatic stuff, plus some stretching that is good for it.
I did some squats this morning and they felt good. I’ll do 50 100 today. I will do 50 100 wall pushups (since I’m at work). Tonight I plan on some yoga focused on core to help stabilize the leg situation. Today I am also concentrating on holding my core tight and sitting well. With the leg issue, my posture has been off, and now I have some lower back ache as well. I feel like I’m freaking falling apart. I am PRAYING I get my new brooks sneakers today. I ordered them and they are taking forever. The ones I’m in just have no support left.  
Tomorrow I will go to the gym (classes at Bodyology are canceled) with hubby and do some TRX. I need to get a sweat on and feel some soreness in my muscles. The RIGHT kind of soreness.
Bodyology, as long as I can feel my foot and I have no shooting pain, on Sunday.
Lots of things to get done this weekend. We are doing a big basement clean up; making sure the house is in great shape. Groceries, church (Saturday and Sunday. A choir member’s sister passed from cancer and we are singing for her service on Saturday). Homework, packing a bag, or at least making a list, of what I will need in the hospital.
Monday and Tuesday are crazy with work, school and committee.
Then, Wednesday is the day.


  1. No judgement here. I have concern for your thoughts going forward, after the surgery. Have you considered a delay based on your emotional needs? You can always put it off until you have managed to find that calm place where the weight stays steady and you get out from the fear that is plaguing you today.

    1. A delay from emotional related eating? Yes... I use the delay, but right now, I trend more toward distraction, because I'm finding it difficult to sit with feelings and mull them over. So, I distract myself until the craving is gone. However, distraction leads to more stress, since it usually involved "doing something" more than I already am. Does that even make sence?
      The food has not been terrible, but that being said, I feel like I am on the edge of that cliff all the time the past few days.

  2. I think Jane means a delay in having your surgery...

    Everyone has worries before a surgery...that is normal, you are normal. And that damn scale can really screw with us sometimes. As long as you are eating what you should, and moving as much as you can while letting your body heal, you are doing what you need to do. Just breath girl, be thankful for this opportunity, and know that worrying gets you no where...

    Get back to being excited about life without saggy skin, without the chafe... get excited about cute undies that fit you right..ha!

    But still, you are allowed to feel those emotions, but also speak some truth back to the worry. ;)

    1. Ahhh, thank you for making that clear.
      I simply don't feel I can put it off. A lot of work has gone into getting this together, and I can't risk putting it off and the upheaval it would cause.
      I'm scared, but I guess not enough to put it off.
      Thanks Becca - worrying is normal, and I have to remember that and just breath through it. It's going to be OK...
      And I gotta litterally throw that damn scale away, so I can't feel tempted by it.

  3. Kel,

    As Becca mentioned, what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Yes, there is risk to the surgery but IMHO there is more risk if you don't go through it. You have many prayer warriors covering your surgery and recovery. I think that you know that prayer works! God is in control. He will guide the surgeon's hands. You are a testimony that will bring Him glory! As far as the weight issue right now, it's irrelevant. The time to get to work is AFTER your surgery. You need to be as relaxed and stress free as possible for the big day. This is truly going to be a Big Deal! Don't worry about anything right now. You have a wonderful family that will not drop any balls :-)! I wish I could be there but I'm sure that Mom will keep me informed.

    I love you,

  4. I had the same thoughts....and it was hard to get past those thoughts because the surgery was ELECTIVE and not medically necessary and it was a CHOICE....and for the first time in a long time - it was ONLY about something for ME. I struggled with that and the money and the time off and putting everything on my husband BUT the truth is - they want this for you too and you would do the same for any of your loved ones. You're going to be okay.