By this morning I was DYING to see or hear ANYTHING. I left the doc a message and had not heard anything, so I took a chance and went over to medical records. I signed my release of info and LUCKILY the girl there printed everything for me...
Ultrasound: NO arterial stenosis, everything looks NORMAL
Blood work: NORMAL
Chest X-ray: NORMAL
Can I say I teared up just reading it. I am so fucking grateful.
This weekend was just a bunch of nervous stress, waiting waiting waiting. Doc's orders I couldn't do bootcamp on Saturday, but I DID go to the gym on Sunday. I just HAD to move my body. I felt like a slug and I knew my head would feel clearer once I went. I didn't go nuts, a walk/run on the dread-mill. And yes, I felt a million times better after.
Now, knowing that everything looks good, I can't WAIT to get my sweat on tonight. YES.
We still don't know what made the sounds the doc was hearing, but I can't imagine that if these tests all say things are fine, that there could be any issue.
SO, on to OTHER stuff - ANYTHING but this testing crap.
Looks like I lost a few followers. I guess I offended/bored someone so much they dropped me. lol
Seriously, though, I appreciate followers, but this blog is for me. It's my journal that happens to be online that people can check out if they feel like it. If you don't like what you are reading, please go read something else. I don't need any more negativity in my life!
I have already registered for NEXT years Rugged Maniac. Yes... I have finally come to terms with my race. I DID IT. NO one else did it for me. I only needed marginal help on a few things, and I could have BAILED but I DIDN'T.
So, I am back to believing that I rock. Or, I am at least going to "fake it till I make it"
For next year, I roped my hubby into doing it. Now we gotta whip him into shape. We are going to start with running. By next year, I want us to be able to run a 10K by then, so that the 5K feels much easier.
One thing I can reflect on with the RM is my core strength was my weakness. With more core strength, my balance would have been better and things like swinging over the shorter walls and feeling steady up on the top of the taller ones would have been better. Another goal.
I still have my other goals - my box jumps are a particular one I am working on CRUSHING.
That's all for now. It's taken me all day just to write this. Class tonight, then a run. This week is nutty as normal. We have parent/teacher conference for Thing 1 on Thursday. I can't waitit hear how much my kid rocks from someone else... uh, I mean, ummm, to be sure he is being a good boy. :-)
Keep moving forward...
PROGRESS!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Bruit, or NOT going down without a FIGHT
Tuesday began normally, but after I got to work, I started experiencing some back pain in my upper/mid back - think shoulder blades and down a little. Totally inexplicable. I hadn't even worked out on Monday, so pain made no sense.
Went through the day taking Tylenol and the pain getting a bit worse. Using the heating pad Tuesday night and not sleeping AT ALL Tuesday night.
Wednesday it wasn't any better. Because I couldn't figure out WHY it was hurting, I gave my doc a call who said she wanted to see me.
Flash forward to the appointment yesterday. My extremely thorough doctor asked lots of questions and proceeded to check me out. After listening to my heart for EVER, and taking blood pressure in both arms (112/64 was the first one she told me) at least 3x each, tells me she is worried. She hears an Aortic Bruit which is really just a term for a sound that really shouldn't be there. She actually hears two of them. She tells me that she is worried. She contemplates sending me to the ED. At this point, I am feeling desperate just to get home.
She says it could be aortic dissection - very, very bad. She senses a slight change in blood pressure between each arm, which is another sign, but it is a very small change. This bruit, coupled with sudden onset of back pain is what makes her think there is something seriously wrong happening.
She finally agrees to let me go home, with my promise that if anything changed (she sent me off with a list of things to watch for) I would call 911. Today was the first set of tests, which were just blood work and a chest x-ray. It SEEMED as though the chest x-ray was good - because after looking at it for a few minutes, asking me if I was following up with my doc, they sent me on my way.
Tomorrow morning, I will have Doppler ultrasounds of both places she heard the bruits. At this point, I have talked with my doc some more, and she is feeling less worried, which makes me a little less worried too. She said it could be that I have a tortuous aorta - which really just means the aorta curves where it should go straight. If that is the case, we would just have to keep a special eye on my blood pressure to make sure it doesn't start going up - which can be a sign that it's SO curved, it's getting blocked up.
What does all this have to do with weight loss? Well, on the surface, nothing I guess. It's not caused by my weight, or my previous weight. But down a little deeper, it has everything to do with what I really want in my life.
I want to live.
I looked at my precious, gorgeous little boys faces last night, not knowing what was going to happen, or what I was facing, and I started feeling so desperate.
"Please Lord, Please, don't take me away from my boys. Please".
Something like this is unforeseen and can't really be prevented. So, why, when you are suffering from a disease that will kill you (obesity), just as an aortic dissection will kill you:
WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING?
WHY do you sit around and THINK about fixing it.
PLAN to fix it.
AND THEN NOT FIX IT.
I have seen lots of people lately THINKING about change. PLANNING change. SORT-OF changing. I'm not calling anyone out, cause it's not my style. We all have our own battles, and I dig that. But some people out there are KILLING THEMSELVES and it doesn't have to be that way.
If your doctor told you you might have a condition that could KILL you - like a cardiac issue, or cancer. Would you PLAN to MAYBE get some treatment? Start Monday? Or maybe after the holiday?
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?
YOU AND I HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE when faced with the killer disease of obesity.
YES I have lost 175 lbs. BUT I STILL HAVE MORE TO GO.
This cardiac issue may not be in my total control. And boy, does that PISS me off.
These 30 lbs ARE in my control. I am making that happen.
You bet your ASS I am going to do everything in my power to see those little faces as long as I possibly can.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what they will say. But I DO know, that no matter WHAT they say, I will NOT allow my OBESITY to shorten my life.
I am taking control of the things I can. Because I can't control everything.
But I won't go down without one HELL of a fight.
Went through the day taking Tylenol and the pain getting a bit worse. Using the heating pad Tuesday night and not sleeping AT ALL Tuesday night.
Wednesday it wasn't any better. Because I couldn't figure out WHY it was hurting, I gave my doc a call who said she wanted to see me.
Flash forward to the appointment yesterday. My extremely thorough doctor asked lots of questions and proceeded to check me out. After listening to my heart for EVER, and taking blood pressure in both arms (112/64 was the first one she told me) at least 3x each, tells me she is worried. She hears an Aortic Bruit which is really just a term for a sound that really shouldn't be there. She actually hears two of them. She tells me that she is worried. She contemplates sending me to the ED. At this point, I am feeling desperate just to get home.
She says it could be aortic dissection - very, very bad. She senses a slight change in blood pressure between each arm, which is another sign, but it is a very small change. This bruit, coupled with sudden onset of back pain is what makes her think there is something seriously wrong happening.
She finally agrees to let me go home, with my promise that if anything changed (she sent me off with a list of things to watch for) I would call 911. Today was the first set of tests, which were just blood work and a chest x-ray. It SEEMED as though the chest x-ray was good - because after looking at it for a few minutes, asking me if I was following up with my doc, they sent me on my way.
Tomorrow morning, I will have Doppler ultrasounds of both places she heard the bruits. At this point, I have talked with my doc some more, and she is feeling less worried, which makes me a little less worried too. She said it could be that I have a tortuous aorta - which really just means the aorta curves where it should go straight. If that is the case, we would just have to keep a special eye on my blood pressure to make sure it doesn't start going up - which can be a sign that it's SO curved, it's getting blocked up.
What does all this have to do with weight loss? Well, on the surface, nothing I guess. It's not caused by my weight, or my previous weight. But down a little deeper, it has everything to do with what I really want in my life.
I want to live.
I looked at my precious, gorgeous little boys faces last night, not knowing what was going to happen, or what I was facing, and I started feeling so desperate.
"Please Lord, Please, don't take me away from my boys. Please".
Something like this is unforeseen and can't really be prevented. So, why, when you are suffering from a disease that will kill you (obesity), just as an aortic dissection will kill you:
WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING?
WHY do you sit around and THINK about fixing it.
PLAN to fix it.
AND THEN NOT FIX IT.
I have seen lots of people lately THINKING about change. PLANNING change. SORT-OF changing. I'm not calling anyone out, cause it's not my style. We all have our own battles, and I dig that. But some people out there are KILLING THEMSELVES and it doesn't have to be that way.
If your doctor told you you might have a condition that could KILL you - like a cardiac issue, or cancer. Would you PLAN to MAYBE get some treatment? Start Monday? Or maybe after the holiday?
Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?
YOU AND I HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE when faced with the killer disease of obesity.
YES I have lost 175 lbs. BUT I STILL HAVE MORE TO GO.
This cardiac issue may not be in my total control. And boy, does that PISS me off.
These 30 lbs ARE in my control. I am making that happen.
You bet your ASS I am going to do everything in my power to see those little faces as long as I possibly can.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what they will say. But I DO know, that no matter WHAT they say, I will NOT allow my OBESITY to shorten my life.
I am taking control of the things I can. Because I can't control everything.
But I won't go down without one HELL of a fight.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Recovering
Monday, and I am continuously recovering.
Seriously, I am feeling better. Admittedly, I have been put back on my anti-anxiety medication. I have an appointment to see my doc 10/16.
I really hate taking pills. But, I think it's a combo of them and a lot of rest that has gotten me to this point now. I can move through the day without sheer exhaustion and without feeling as though I am on the verge of tears.
I have been reflecting on the Rugged Maniac. I think I am starting to realize what a feat it was to accomplish. I also think the depression aspect was similar to the let-down experienced after any significant event. Sometimes people feel it after weddings, or a big holiday. There is so much that goes into preparing for something like this - I think I almost felt like... "wait, that's it? It's done?"
Anyway, I'm tired of talking about feeling down, and I am sure you are tired reading about it. So, let's move on, shall we?
I am setting new goals, and looking for new events to train for. I'm note sure if/when I will do an obstacle 5K again, but I need things to work toward. I think they next will be a 5K. There is one in a neighboring town in a few weeks, and then a Thanksgiving Day one that's right in my town. My hubby might even do that one with me.
Another goal is my box jumps. We do box jumps on Rogue boxes:
and for those of us who cannot quite make this height yet, we use steps:
Adding platforms to each side as you get stronger. I was using the step on Saturday, with 5 platforms underneath. As I was working it, Krista came by and added another as she said "You have plenty of clearance. Go for it". Anyone who does box jumps can tell you there is no room for fear, or even thought. There is just sheer, mad momentum propelling you to the top of that box. Well, I want more. I want higher. I want to jump rogue boxes. I'm probably a good 5 inches away from jumping the shortest side of the rogue. But I'm gonna make it my bitch this winter. She will be mine.
Yes, I have weight goal. I got on the scale this morning and it showed me what-for after a week of not-giving-a-shit about what I ate. The 5 lb gain it showed me is KIND in comparison to what I likely deserve. But, it is what it is. I made decisions (yes, I made decisions. Even by the act of not caring or feeling the way I did, I was making my own choices) and now I deal with them.
The plan: tons of water, which I was seriously lacking all week, log every bite, clean things up. I never claimed to be perfect. I never WILL be perfect, but I WILL try my hardest right now, at this moment.
Eats for today:
BB: Pumpkin coffee, 1 tbs sugar free pumpkin syrup
B: ½ cup quinoa, 1 serving almond butter, 1 apple (from the orchard, picked by my little ones hands this weekend. Awesome)
S: 1 scoop Click protein, ½ cup almond milk, water, ice
L: 1 cup chicken chili (made at home. Super good) ¼ cup quinoa, 2 oz Cabot 75%
S: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1 apple
D: ½ sweet potato, 1 cup steamed broccoli, salsa
Yeah, you’re going to see a lot of apples, since we went apple picking this weekend. I don’t mind. I love them, and my kids had a BALL out in the orchard, in the pouring rain (yup) picking apples, eating them as they went, filling up their bags. We got pumpkins and gourds and decorated for Halloween yesterday evening. It was a really good weekend. I even took a NAP. Can you STAND it?? I can’t. Of course, the housework suffered, but I just can’t care right now. I needed some rest. And I finally took it.
Yesterday was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention Walk.
I went with my mom, aunt and cousin, and I took Thing1 along. It’s hard. And I don’t think it will matter how much time goes by, it will continue to be hard. We walked our 5K… even Thing 1 was such a trooper – walking almost the whole thing without needing a break. I carried him at one point for about 5 minutes, but then he was good to walk on his own again. He was very good company and kept me from getting too emotional. I definitely was hugging and lovin’ on him more than normal in light of the circumstances. I pray he never has to feel the pain of depression. He is effected by the loss of Brian, but thankfully not to a big extent.
Alright, this post is already way too long, so I am going to wrap it up. I promise to be back more often now so updates are shorter. lol.
Keep moving forward… I know I always will…
Seriously, I am feeling better. Admittedly, I have been put back on my anti-anxiety medication. I have an appointment to see my doc 10/16.
I really hate taking pills. But, I think it's a combo of them and a lot of rest that has gotten me to this point now. I can move through the day without sheer exhaustion and without feeling as though I am on the verge of tears.
I have been reflecting on the Rugged Maniac. I think I am starting to realize what a feat it was to accomplish. I also think the depression aspect was similar to the let-down experienced after any significant event. Sometimes people feel it after weddings, or a big holiday. There is so much that goes into preparing for something like this - I think I almost felt like... "wait, that's it? It's done?"
Anyway, I'm tired of talking about feeling down, and I am sure you are tired reading about it. So, let's move on, shall we?
I am setting new goals, and looking for new events to train for. I'm note sure if/when I will do an obstacle 5K again, but I need things to work toward. I think they next will be a 5K. There is one in a neighboring town in a few weeks, and then a Thanksgiving Day one that's right in my town. My hubby might even do that one with me.
Another goal is my box jumps. We do box jumps on Rogue boxes:
and for those of us who cannot quite make this height yet, we use steps:
Adding platforms to each side as you get stronger. I was using the step on Saturday, with 5 platforms underneath. As I was working it, Krista came by and added another as she said "You have plenty of clearance. Go for it". Anyone who does box jumps can tell you there is no room for fear, or even thought. There is just sheer, mad momentum propelling you to the top of that box. Well, I want more. I want higher. I want to jump rogue boxes. I'm probably a good 5 inches away from jumping the shortest side of the rogue. But I'm gonna make it my bitch this winter. She will be mine.
Yes, I have weight goal. I got on the scale this morning and it showed me what-for after a week of not-giving-a-shit about what I ate. The 5 lb gain it showed me is KIND in comparison to what I likely deserve. But, it is what it is. I made decisions (yes, I made decisions. Even by the act of not caring or feeling the way I did, I was making my own choices) and now I deal with them.
The plan: tons of water, which I was seriously lacking all week, log every bite, clean things up. I never claimed to be perfect. I never WILL be perfect, but I WILL try my hardest right now, at this moment.
Eats for today:
BB: Pumpkin coffee, 1 tbs sugar free pumpkin syrup
B: ½ cup quinoa, 1 serving almond butter, 1 apple (from the orchard, picked by my little ones hands this weekend. Awesome)
S: 1 scoop Click protein, ½ cup almond milk, water, ice
L: 1 cup chicken chili (made at home. Super good) ¼ cup quinoa, 2 oz Cabot 75%
S: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1 apple
D: ½ sweet potato, 1 cup steamed broccoli, salsa
Yeah, you’re going to see a lot of apples, since we went apple picking this weekend. I don’t mind. I love them, and my kids had a BALL out in the orchard, in the pouring rain (yup) picking apples, eating them as they went, filling up their bags. We got pumpkins and gourds and decorated for Halloween yesterday evening. It was a really good weekend. I even took a NAP. Can you STAND it?? I can’t. Of course, the housework suffered, but I just can’t care right now. I needed some rest. And I finally took it.
Yesterday was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention Walk.
I went with my mom, aunt and cousin, and I took Thing1 along. It’s hard. And I don’t think it will matter how much time goes by, it will continue to be hard. We walked our 5K… even Thing 1 was such a trooper – walking almost the whole thing without needing a break. I carried him at one point for about 5 minutes, but then he was good to walk on his own again. He was very good company and kept me from getting too emotional. I definitely was hugging and lovin’ on him more than normal in light of the circumstances. I pray he never has to feel the pain of depression. He is effected by the loss of Brian, but thankfully not to a big extent.
Alright, this post is already way too long, so I am going to wrap it up. I promise to be back more often now so updates are shorter. lol.
Keep moving forward… I know I always will…
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Small miracles
Not sure what to even call this post yet... maybe something will strike me mid-way.
I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.
Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.
It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.
I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.
So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.
The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.
Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.
I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.
If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.
Full Rugged Maniac Southwick 2012
What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.
*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.
One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.
Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00
Eats:
BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...
When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.
Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...
I got off the grid a little for a few days after my Rugged Recap. I was feeling low. I was feeling defeated and I was feeling anxious.
Monday evening I ended up on the couch, crying into a pillow, covered up with a blanket.
It was like a flashback to right after I gave birth to Thing 2. As soon as I realized I was in this precarious position, I called my psychiatrist for an appointment.
I cannot let my life get out of control. I have to get a handle on it before it spirals any further.
So, I'm going to see my doc on 10/16. Its the soonest they could get me in, but I think it will be fine.
The question that is swirling is: what really prompted this outpouring of my depression/anxiety? Was it the race? Maybe that was part of it. I was feeling down for all of the reasons I outlined in my very long RUGGED RECAP. Perhaps that, my fatigue, and the everyday stresses that were edging me toward a break just all came together for a spectacular meltdown.
Oh, and it was spectacular. I came within seconds of quitting school. Eating became mindless, and I didn’t move my body at all for 2 days.
I’m looking back on the weekend – WHY can’t I feel good about what I did? I look at the pictures and I am smiling and RUNNING. I struck me just recently how much of the race I actually ran. I mean, when I wasn’t doing an obstacle, I was almost always at LEAST jogging in between… WTF? I got through this race on my own. To quote my hubby “No one carried you on their backs. You completed it on your own.” and to quote another tuff girl who reached out to congratulate me “Maybe you helped someone fulfill their own destiny by allowing them to help you”. The same tuff girl told me she has done 5 obstacle races and says to date, this was the hardest one. This makes me feel a little better.
If anyone is interested, this is the race I did from start to finish. This was videoed by a guy who ran in a heat before we did. He runs it in under 40 minutes. Damn. My time was 1 hr 15 minutes.
What it comes down to is this: I don’t know how I am feeling still about the race. But regardless of that, I cannot allow it to influence my already anxiety-filled self. It has put me over the edge.
*BIG SIGH* Alright, so we move on.
One thing I can hold onto is, although my eating was NOT clean, I was also not binging. Small miracles, people.
Exercise: Bodyology Tabata at 5:00
Eats:
BB: Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cup oats made with almond milk and natural PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 4 oz chicken breast, 2 oz lowfat cheese, salsa - a LOT of food. It was delish.
S: 1/2 banana, 1 oz almonds
D: Not sure yet. Buffalo chicken quinoa bites in my fridge, as well as some 2 bean chili. It will be one of those with some additional veggies. Sorely lacking in veggies today...
When you get down like this, there is no just "getting better"... I will just keep trying to get up outta the hole. I may have to go on a low dose of anti-depressants to help out for a little bit. I hate being on meds, but I refuse to feel like this.
Keep moving forward, peeps... even when you are facedown in the mud...
Monday, October 1, 2012
Rugged Maniac Recap
Alright, here it is. The recap of my muddy, obstacle riddled 5K run yesterday. Warning, it’s long, and gets a little heavy/emotional at the end…
Pics will come later/tomorrow
I will start out by saying my hubby came with me. Although there was a moment last week where he was a little whiney about it, he totally got how important it was to me and was all in. Thank Goodness.
The boys stayed with my mom… I missed their little face so much. But, the drive and waiting would have been torture for them (and us) so they had a fun day at home.
The drive there was easy, and we ended up early. I have to say – there was a LOT of people but this thing was SO incredibly organized that there was very little waiting in lines. I got my number, my chip (which goes through your shoe laces, as tying it up on your shoe is the only really secure place to put it) and my tee and proceeded to… wait.
And wait…
And oh yea, wait…
I finally saw some of my team mates start to filter in. I went over to a few but then I started to notice how many of the girls I DIDN’T know… I mean, everyone who goes to Bodyology has their own schedule, but I wasn’t prepared to NOT know more than ½ the team… but more on this later.
It was 12:45 and a wave had just left. We were up next. There was shaking. Yes, shaking. I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to tackle all of the obstacles. I hung with a few girls I knew who were great. We kept reassuring ourselves and each other that we would rock it.
The first obstacle happened before the race even began! Just to get INTO the cue to race, you had to jump a wall! Damn! LOL…I got over it, but it made me even more worried for what was to come.
I know I won’t remember all of the obstacles (there were 18 total) or the order they went in, but I will try my hardest.
The first was more walls. Both were about 5 feet. At first, I kinda froze. Before even attempting it I uttered the dreaded words: “I don’t think I can do this”. My trainer was there for all of us and she immediately said - “Don’t say that. Just do it”
Breathe. Go.
Up and over. 1, then the other
(Just a side note, this event was SO much work for the trainers, who were running up to help people and back to help stragglers, over and over again… there were a few obstacles I couldn’t have gotten through without their help.)
Ok… moving on… this was the longest running stint. We ran for a while… it was a little tougher than I was used to because it was all rocky trail and mud. I was a little more careful so it took me a little longer…
More walls. Some were planked, so you could easily climb them, then maneuver yourself over the (wobbly feeling) top and climb back down. 2, however, were tougher. About 8 feet high, and only one little, tiny foot ledge near the bottom. When I stood on the foot ledge, the top of the wall was eyeball level.
I dropped several f-bombs at this point.
One of our other trainers, Mike, helped me by giving my lower foot more stability. Once I had that, I was able to push myself up and slowly, very, very slowly, ease my way over. Getting down was like lowering yourself from a pull up… painful, but I did it.
Then, I did it again…
Things get a little blurry now. There was a very dark, small tunnel that you needed to walk through in a crouch position. About ½ way through I was thinking – damn, I hope nothing is living in here. Hehe… Then there was the first of several mud pools that you needed to bear-crawl under barbed wire to get through. Up and down muddy hills and ditches. Running up very, very big hills, a few obstacles and then down the hills again. At one point we slid down narrow plastic tubes into another pool, under barbed wire, and then up another plastic tube. I struggled with this one. One this rope, no knots in it at all… I was about ½ way up when Super Krista emerged to help. She pulled me up (!) part of the way and I made my way out and onward.
I ran over a hill crest and came upon the section I had previously been most nervous about – log jumps. You need to jump from tree-stump (logs) to tree stump. They are very spread apart and by this time in the race are covered in slippery mud. I got a little stabilizing help and hopped across. Score.
Another huge mud pool, up cargo nets; making our way up a massive hill – and the only way down was a HUGE slide. It was really freaking big. I was talking another team mate into going down with me, because she was really scared. Well, I don’t know how, but we went down together and ended up going SIDEWAYS down the slide! YIKES! All I could do was laugh – which landed me with a mouth and nose full of muddy water… ewww. Lol
More walls, more ditches… but around this point I was feeling surprisingly good! I had seen hubby several times (climbing in places he shouldn’t have been to take pics… lol) and he was so encouraging.
Then, I got stuck.
On top of a 15 foot wall.
Yes, on top. See, when scaling the walls, I felt most comfortable keeping to the side. I dunno why, I just felt like I had more to hold on to. However, on this one wall, the cross planks on the way down where in an awkward position… right where I needed to put my foot to get down. I didn’t know what to do. My balance is already precarious. I try scooting down the beams, but by this time, I am afraid. I feel tears starting to sting my eyes and my breath gets heavy.
I am panicking.
Trying to breath, I hear, once again, my trainers talking me down. Mike climbed up to help stabilize me so I could feel comfortable in maneuvering my stance to turn around. I did it, slowly, and though I felt incredibly grateful, I started feeling like… a failure… more on this later…
We were nearing the end now. Climbing up onto our final platform, rolling across cargo netting, which was 20 feet above the concrete, and climb down to the finish line.
We crossed the finish line, more or less as a team… I hung around for a few minutes, and hubby and I made our way back to the car, where he awesomely created a mock tent so I could rinse off and change. Hubby rocks my socks.
Physically today I feel – actually pretty good. I’m sore, for sure, but I was able to get up and out of bed without too much groaning. AS the day is going on, I am getting a little more tired and a lot more sore. Meh, I expected it.
So, let’s revisit this event on an emotional level. I was excited and nervous, yes… but I was not prepared to feel left out of my own team. There were so many girls there, and yes I knew many of them, but there weren’t any that I felt really comfortable jumping into excited-race-day conversation with. I felt… in the way. So, I went for a walk, down to use the bathroom and grab a banana. I talked myself up, saying it was fine, this was MY race and regardless of anyone else, I was doing it for me…
Right?
Well, partially that’s true, but I went into this under the assumption I would feel a lot of camaraderie. And I didn’t.
I later on found out in the less than 10 minutes I was gone to the rest room, they took several team photos. So, I’m not in even one of them.
Go team.
Maybe it was the Inner Fat Girl coming out to say that I don’t really belong to a group of fit athletes. That to put myself in this competition was asking for letdown. Fatties don’t run obstacle races.
So, some of you may be saying right now – but, you DID it!
Yea... I guess, kinda… But, could I have done it if I really was out there on my own? Could I have figured it out, or gotten my footing, or talked myself down off a 15 foot wall?
I know this is the point when I should be super upbeat and positive and say YES! I COULD have done it all by myself! Because I am AWESOME-SAUCE!
But I just don’t know. Maybe I could have. Or maybe I would have been one of those people who had to skirt around some of the obstacles.
Even as I sit here writing all of this, I feel a lump in my throat and my face get flushed with emotion. I look at the team picture, now plastered all over Facebook, see all the kudos going around, and all the “I had so much fun with all these awesome ladies!” and I know that doesn’t include me. That no one would have missed me at all if I hadn’t been there.
I know that shouldn’t been the point. But at this moment… I’m having a hard time getting around it.
I’m not sure where else to go with this right now. My mom gave me a pep-talk last night – remember where you have come from, what you have accomplished. Remember the important things in your life, like your boys… and she is totally right about all those things. I guess I just have to keep trying to swallow the lump in my throat and move on to the next obstacle.
Keep moving forward peeps…
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Yet another clever blog title
2:00 on Thursday. Day is a-draggin'
I guess I don't have a ton to say...
Worried about my 5 year old - he seems so preoccupied/obsessed with food and snacks. His before-care teacher called me as I was walking into work to tell me he had gone into his lunch bag and eaten his afternoon snack, and the watermellon I gave him to go along with his lunch. He ate a little at home before he went to school, but then attacked his lunch box!... I mean, kids know when they are full and when they are hungry - I mean, that hasen't been "snacked" out of them yet, right? Is it just that he is hungrier than I realize? But, more than that, he will eat things that are sweet (whether it's fruit or the occasional chocolate milk) until it's gone and then want more (and more and more). When it comes to fruit and such, I don't mind giving him *some* more, but I maintain that treats are just that - only occasionally. He gets SO MAD when I tell him "no more"... am I being too restrictive? Driving him to obsess about it?
You guys who have been reading a while know that I am terrified of my kids becoming overweight or obese. I feel like I will do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) I can to keep this from happening. However, am I starting to get crazed?
So, I did what any self respecting person would do - I pulled strings at work to talk to a pedi dietitian.
I explained briefly my back ground and described Thing 1's behavior. She said it sounded like he might just need more of the healthy food. In other words, he may only nibble a little of his breakfast at home, so pack it for him to eat in his before-care when his tummy finally wakes up. Give him lots of healthy choices and let him decide what to eat. Keep the treats to a minimum, but allow him to have some on occasion - or as soon as your back is turned, he is more likely to eat those things in excess.
So, the plan is packing more, including a small breakfast in the AM, in case he gets hungry at before care.
I think he's going to need a bigger lunchbox.
Yesterday I was off with him for the day. I missed the boat on signing him up for all day care, and so I had to take the day off. But, I didn't mind. I love spending time with him on our own. He helped me so much - cleaning out too small toddler clothes, putting away summer stuff... same for Hubby and my clothes. Then we attacked the basement and got 2 car loads of stuff for Goodwill - clothes and toys! DAMN!
It was awesome to work hard and sweat it out in the basement especially. I made it a game for he and I - racing around the house to gather stuff from the deck and racing it over to the dumpster or to the car for donation. We were red faced, sweating, and laughing. Finally sat down around 3:30, and then left the house at 4:15 for a 5:00 Bodyology workout. Yeah, workout #2 of the day. I am NOT one to call normal housework "exercise" but that basement situation totally torched some calories!
Eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop Click, unsweetened chocolate almond milk, water, ice
B: Oxygen Baked Pumpkin Oatmeal
S: 1/4 naan bread, 2 tbs PB
L: Zucchini lasagna, 2 oz cabot 75
S: banana
D: Not sure...
Prolly no workout tonight, but maybe some yoga... I just started doing some for stress release and relaxation and I think it's helping my anxiety.
Hmmm, and I thought I didn't have anything to say? I should know better... I ALWAYS have something to say.
In case anyone is interested, this is a trailer for the race I doing on Sunday: CHECK IT OUT
Keep moving forward...
I guess I don't have a ton to say...
Worried about my 5 year old - he seems so preoccupied/obsessed with food and snacks. His before-care teacher called me as I was walking into work to tell me he had gone into his lunch bag and eaten his afternoon snack, and the watermellon I gave him to go along with his lunch. He ate a little at home before he went to school, but then attacked his lunch box!... I mean, kids know when they are full and when they are hungry - I mean, that hasen't been "snacked" out of them yet, right? Is it just that he is hungrier than I realize? But, more than that, he will eat things that are sweet (whether it's fruit or the occasional chocolate milk) until it's gone and then want more (and more and more). When it comes to fruit and such, I don't mind giving him *some* more, but I maintain that treats are just that - only occasionally. He gets SO MAD when I tell him "no more"... am I being too restrictive? Driving him to obsess about it?
You guys who have been reading a while know that I am terrified of my kids becoming overweight or obese. I feel like I will do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) I can to keep this from happening. However, am I starting to get crazed?
So, I did what any self respecting person would do - I pulled strings at work to talk to a pedi dietitian.
I explained briefly my back ground and described Thing 1's behavior. She said it sounded like he might just need more of the healthy food. In other words, he may only nibble a little of his breakfast at home, so pack it for him to eat in his before-care when his tummy finally wakes up. Give him lots of healthy choices and let him decide what to eat. Keep the treats to a minimum, but allow him to have some on occasion - or as soon as your back is turned, he is more likely to eat those things in excess.
So, the plan is packing more, including a small breakfast in the AM, in case he gets hungry at before care.
I think he's going to need a bigger lunchbox.
Yesterday I was off with him for the day. I missed the boat on signing him up for all day care, and so I had to take the day off. But, I didn't mind. I love spending time with him on our own. He helped me so much - cleaning out too small toddler clothes, putting away summer stuff... same for Hubby and my clothes. Then we attacked the basement and got 2 car loads of stuff for Goodwill - clothes and toys! DAMN!
It was awesome to work hard and sweat it out in the basement especially. I made it a game for he and I - racing around the house to gather stuff from the deck and racing it over to the dumpster or to the car for donation. We were red faced, sweating, and laughing. Finally sat down around 3:30, and then left the house at 4:15 for a 5:00 Bodyology workout. Yeah, workout #2 of the day. I am NOT one to call normal housework "exercise" but that basement situation totally torched some calories!
Eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop Click, unsweetened chocolate almond milk, water, ice
B: Oxygen Baked Pumpkin Oatmeal
S: 1/4 naan bread, 2 tbs PB
L: Zucchini lasagna, 2 oz cabot 75
S: banana
D: Not sure...
Prolly no workout tonight, but maybe some yoga... I just started doing some for stress release and relaxation and I think it's helping my anxiety.
Hmmm, and I thought I didn't have anything to say? I should know better... I ALWAYS have something to say.
In case anyone is interested, this is a trailer for the race I doing on Sunday: CHECK IT OUT
Keep moving forward...
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
5 DAYS, BITCHES!!!
It's 5 days till the Rugged Maniac
Confession: I am very, very nervous.
So nervous, that at around 12:30 last night, laying in bed, I decided not to do it.
Then, I decided to do it
Then, I decided not to do it...
you get the picture.
Of course, I am still doing it. I will likely change my mind 10 or 15 times. Today.
But seriously. I am so nervous, it's affecting my stomach. Ugh.
We are doing it as a team. What if I can't keep up? What if I am holding people back? What if I can't do the obstacles?
I will be mortified.
So, I have to think about all the shit I spewed out here yesterday.
Am I doing this FOR ME? Or for someone else?
What are MY expectations? Or am I doing this under someone ELSE’s expectations?
Alright - YES, I am doing it for me. Because I wanted to challenge myself to do something I have never done. I have no preconceived notions on finishing in a specific time...just finishing. I would really LOVE to do all of the obstacles. I am PLANNING on doing ALL of the obstacles.
What if I can't?
Well, that's a decision I will have to make when the time comes, and if it happens, it happens. Doing it is supposed to be FUN. An experience. Not a chance to beat myself up if it doesn't happen perfectly.
I gotta say, I'm lacking a little in the family support on this race. Hubby's "not sure if he wants to go" so I may be making the 1.5 hr drive to Southwick, MA on my own, navigating the crowds on my own, driving home on my own, etc. At least I have my team to do the actual race with.
This is very disappointing. Sure, this weekend is the closing weekend of the show, and I know he will be tired, but this is so incredibly important to me. *sigh*
Alright, eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop click, ½ cup unsweetened chocolate almond milk (this is awesome, but I have a hard time finding it all the time. BE SURE IT’S UNSWEETENED!) water, ice
B: pumpkin oats, 2 tbs natural PB
L: zucchini lasagna
S: 100gm sweet potato, 1 oz cabot, approx 4 oz hot salsa
S: banana (right before class)
D: not sure – Norma posted a fab recipe from Oxygen Mag – and I think I have all the ingredients. It will either be tonight or tomorrow night, with maybe a salad for tonight (since it’s a school night)
Last night, rocked 30 minutes kickboxing at about 8:30 – dinner wasn’t till after 9, but whatever. It is what it is.
Today, took a speedy 25 minute walk after scarfing down lunch. Heart rate up a little, a little sweat (AKA Liquid Awesome) and fresh air. Nice.
Tonight: 30 minutes of something sweaty… get your minds out of the gutter.
It’s amazing how the mind plays tricks on you. I had convinced myself that any workout that wasn’t at LEAST 45-60 minutes was worthless…. Therefore I found myself feeling like I “couldn’t find time” to workout in this crazy schedule I have concocted.
Oh man, really? How could I forget that you can work your ASS off hardcore in 30 minutes? I don’t know.
But, no worries. I’m back from that shit.
Keep moving forward!
Confession: I am very, very nervous.
So nervous, that at around 12:30 last night, laying in bed, I decided not to do it.
Then, I decided to do it
Then, I decided not to do it...
you get the picture.
Of course, I am still doing it. I will likely change my mind 10 or 15 times. Today.
But seriously. I am so nervous, it's affecting my stomach. Ugh.
We are doing it as a team. What if I can't keep up? What if I am holding people back? What if I can't do the obstacles?
I will be mortified.
So, I have to think about all the shit I spewed out here yesterday.
Am I doing this FOR ME? Or for someone else?
What are MY expectations? Or am I doing this under someone ELSE’s expectations?
Alright - YES, I am doing it for me. Because I wanted to challenge myself to do something I have never done. I have no preconceived notions on finishing in a specific time...just finishing. I would really LOVE to do all of the obstacles. I am PLANNING on doing ALL of the obstacles.
What if I can't?
Well, that's a decision I will have to make when the time comes, and if it happens, it happens. Doing it is supposed to be FUN. An experience. Not a chance to beat myself up if it doesn't happen perfectly.
I gotta say, I'm lacking a little in the family support on this race. Hubby's "not sure if he wants to go" so I may be making the 1.5 hr drive to Southwick, MA on my own, navigating the crowds on my own, driving home on my own, etc. At least I have my team to do the actual race with.
This is very disappointing. Sure, this weekend is the closing weekend of the show, and I know he will be tired, but this is so incredibly important to me. *sigh*
Alright, eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop click, ½ cup unsweetened chocolate almond milk (this is awesome, but I have a hard time finding it all the time. BE SURE IT’S UNSWEETENED!) water, ice
B: pumpkin oats, 2 tbs natural PB
L: zucchini lasagna
S: 100gm sweet potato, 1 oz cabot, approx 4 oz hot salsa
S: banana (right before class)
D: not sure – Norma posted a fab recipe from Oxygen Mag – and I think I have all the ingredients. It will either be tonight or tomorrow night, with maybe a salad for tonight (since it’s a school night)
Last night, rocked 30 minutes kickboxing at about 8:30 – dinner wasn’t till after 9, but whatever. It is what it is.
Today, took a speedy 25 minute walk after scarfing down lunch. Heart rate up a little, a little sweat (AKA Liquid Awesome) and fresh air. Nice.
Tonight: 30 minutes of something sweaty… get your minds out of the gutter.
It’s amazing how the mind plays tricks on you. I had convinced myself that any workout that wasn’t at LEAST 45-60 minutes was worthless…. Therefore I found myself feeling like I “couldn’t find time” to workout in this crazy schedule I have concocted.
Oh man, really? How could I forget that you can work your ASS off hardcore in 30 minutes? I don’t know.
But, no worries. I’m back from that shit.
Keep moving forward!
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