Tuesday, November 22, 2011

been quiet

Yeah, I've been quiet around here. I don't expect anyone to really notice that, but it is what it is.

Not sure where to start. Holidays are hard. Not food wise, but emotionally. Which, of course, is a breeding ground for bad eating. No excuse, but there it is.

December is already booked. When I say booked, I mean every weekend there is a concert of some kind to perform in. Right up till Christmas. No time with kids looking at the beautiful Christmas lights. No time to go to a tree lighting. No time for a "train ride to see Santa". It'll be tough to go get the kids pics done with Santa, for that matter.

I hate this. I'm not happy being so busy. But, I can't turn down any of these activities. One is for my cousin who commited suicide for his scholarship, one is church, one is our theater company... School through the middle of December, work everyday, 2nd job every weekend... when can I stop and take a breath?

Last year, at the beginning of January, I did a cleanse with Tuff Girl and our awesome leader, Christa. It did wonders for me. No, it's not a crazy nutty juice fast. It's an ultra clean eating cleanse that rids our bodies of all the sugar, caffeine, processed food nasties. I am doing that cleanse again beginning on Sunday and I could NOT be more excited. I mean, I am counting down the moment till then. I still have my workbook from last time. I took a look through it, and in the back I had my weight before and after cleanse


Weigh right now? 210.

In a year, I have technically lost 6 lbs.

This is so unacceptable. I mean, if I was 150, maybe 6 lbs in a year would be ok, but at my weight, there is just no acceptable reason for that.

I am beyond dissapointed.

Yes, it could be worse. I could be 228 again. I could be more. But I SHOULD be less. I SHOULD be working harder, and being more consistant.

I WILL keep trying.

It's been almost a year since I lost my Mima. I miss her so much. My heart still aches. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I can still remember going to see her in hospice and reading to her out of a prayer book. Bringing a small group of our theater company there to do snippets from our Christmas concert and how much she enjoyed it. And I can still see her lying in bed, with her breathes getting further and further apart. We've just sold her house and cleaning out all her things is like losing her all over again.

I miss my brother and his family, who, for the first time in years and years, I won't see this Christmas.

I miss my cousin. And even a year and a half later, I am asking "why"?

Don't wanna be a kill-joy, but looking forward to it all being over.


  1. I understand girl, I really do! Hugs!

  2. Sorry your going through so much....sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

  3. Kelliann -
    I've been told that every struggle is a growth opportunity. Usually I want to punch the people who have said this to me right smack in the face - but they are right. Once I get away from the negative and seek the growth opportunity I am usually amazed.

    I hope you find happier peace of mind over these next few weeks. Please keep sharing.

    Jane @

  4. Over two decades later and I still ask why? I think that question never stops when it's that kind of death. Take care.