Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Cleanse Day 2

I know these posts are getting further apart, but I am here. I'm on day 2 of a wonderful clean eating cleanse. It's tough, but I need it. My pants were getting snug instead of loose. My tops were hugging a little too much of the middle. No way, friends. I'm not going that way.
So, day 2 so far has equaled a huge headache and not packing enough food to sustain me through my class tonight. Well, if nothing else, it's a learning experience. The hubs is cooking up some lean, clean chicken burgers and quinoa (or sweet potatoes, not sure) so as soon as I get home, I'll be fed and happy.
For anyone wondering, the cleanse is a fantastic program put together by my trainer, Christa, over at Bodyology. It's all clean eating. Really watching portions, and working out to burn off the fat! The first few days can be hard (they are for me) because of sugar and caffeine addiction. Thus, the huge headache. But, it really shows me how addicted I am to the stuff. I mean, I would have done almost anything for a Starbucks mocha this morning, anything except give up on myself. Thank goodness for that, because I was able to drive right by. (ok, there MIGHT have been tears...)
Hubby is joining me, hardcore this time, in the cleanse. So, basically it means we are both miserable. But, we will thank ourselves, and each other, once all the crap is out of our system and we are feeling fabulous (any time now, would be good)
School tonight - presentation of research paper. Only a few more weeks and then I'll have a little break from all the evening classes,rehearsals etc. What am I going to do with all that time, you ask? Oh don't fret, I will think of something!
Got some of the BEST news - Brother and his family will be coming to visit this month!! And though he won't be here for "Christmas" per sei, they are coming for the week before. I am SOOOO excited! Another awesome thing about them coming at that time is we are baptising Thing 2 the weekend they will be here! Perfect timing!
Ok, well, I'm off to class. Wanna get this presentation over with so I can relax!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thaksgiving to you and yours

Want to wish everyone a peaceful, loving, grateful Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try very hard to feel the love of this holiday, instead of the sadness.

Really, really, REALLY looking forward to this cleanse starting Sunday. Will do some grocery shopping on Saturday and do some cooking, to be prepared. My body is gonna LOVE this - my brain is gonna HATE me.

Stupid brain.

schedule continues to be crazy. I... well, I can't even talk about it. It makes me tired.

Anyway, wonderful holiday to anyone who is reading.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

been quiet

Yeah, I've been quiet around here. I don't expect anyone to really notice that, but it is what it is.

Not sure where to start. Holidays are hard. Not food wise, but emotionally. Which, of course, is a breeding ground for bad eating. No excuse, but there it is.

December is already booked. When I say booked, I mean every weekend there is a concert of some kind to perform in. Right up till Christmas. No time with kids looking at the beautiful Christmas lights. No time to go to a tree lighting. No time for a "train ride to see Santa". It'll be tough to go get the kids pics done with Santa, for that matter.

I hate this. I'm not happy being so busy. But, I can't turn down any of these activities. One is for my cousin who commited suicide for his scholarship, one is church, one is our theater company... School through the middle of December, work everyday, 2nd job every weekend... when can I stop and take a breath?

Last year, at the beginning of January, I did a cleanse with Tuff Girl and our awesome leader, Christa. It did wonders for me. No, it's not a crazy nutty juice fast. It's an ultra clean eating cleanse that rids our bodies of all the sugar, caffeine, processed food nasties. I am doing that cleanse again beginning on Sunday and I could NOT be more excited. I mean, I am counting down the moment till then. I still have my workbook from last time. I took a look through it, and in the back I had my weight before and after cleanse


Weigh right now? 210.

In a year, I have technically lost 6 lbs.

This is so unacceptable. I mean, if I was 150, maybe 6 lbs in a year would be ok, but at my weight, there is just no acceptable reason for that.

I am beyond dissapointed.

Yes, it could be worse. I could be 228 again. I could be more. But I SHOULD be less. I SHOULD be working harder, and being more consistant.

I WILL keep trying.

It's been almost a year since I lost my Mima. I miss her so much. My heart still aches. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I can still remember going to see her in hospice and reading to her out of a prayer book. Bringing a small group of our theater company there to do snippets from our Christmas concert and how much she enjoyed it. And I can still see her lying in bed, with her breathes getting further and further apart. We've just sold her house and cleaning out all her things is like losing her all over again.

I miss my brother and his family, who, for the first time in years and years, I won't see this Christmas.

I miss my cousin. And even a year and a half later, I am asking "why"?

Don't wanna be a kill-joy, but looking forward to it all being over.

Monday, November 14, 2011


I mean, we all go through the ups and downs of eating well and getting fit and healthy. I am once again, (Thank you, Lord!) on an upswing.
I sucked it up this morning and stepped on the scale. I knew it was going to be bad, and so I had been avoiding it.


*sigh* certainly not good, but honestly, I expected a LOT worse. I am FEELING a lot worse. I feel like I've put on 50lbs. It's amazing when you are smaller (I know, not SMALL, just SMALLER)when you put on some weight, the's extraordinary. When I was over 300lbs, 9 lb gain would have been nothing. Water weight over a weekend of eating crap. This 9 lbs has been a few weeks in the making, and it's as solid as it can be.

Today is going super well. I'm eating great. Tons of veggies, protein, drinking my water and planning on doing some TurboFire tonight. I just feel better. Maybe because I faced my scale demons? Maybe becuase other plans are progressing and it makes me feel productive? Maybe because I finally went back to the doctors, found out I had pneumonia and got meds? I dunno. Whatever it is, I'm happy about it.

2 tests this week. Amazingly enough, the semester is almost over... I need to be sure I am on top of things. I have to do well in these classes. I'm meeting with my advisor on Wednesday about next semester and my schedule outlook for the next year or so. I want to get as much in as I possibly can over this next year. I would like to find a way to finish the degree within that time, taking into account Summer and Winter interesessions. We shall see. After my advisor meeting, I am picking the kids up early from school, bringing Sam to his 15 month appointment, and BOTH boys will be getting shots (UGH) before I ahve to being them home and run out to class. I feel for whoever is watching the kids that night, because Anthony has rehearsal, and I have class.... poor grandma and popop!

Speaking of which - my mother in law fell and fractured her elbow. They are unsure if they are going to cast it, and how long it will take to heal. Not sure what I am going to do if she can't watch Sam those 2 days a week - that would be another $60 a week in daycare that I just don't have... Not sure where to go about it from here...

Well, that's it in a nutshell for now. I'm excited to get out of work and get home with my family. I have a workout, studying and cleaning to do tonight... so, send me lots of energetic vibes!

Review: Starbucks Skinny Caramel Mocha

Yes, you read that right. Starbucks has brought back the "skinny" (AKA sugar free, fat free) mocha. A few years ago they had it, and frankly, it was awful. So, when I saw they brought it back (introduced in their holiday peppermint mocha) I was weary, but willing to give it a go.

I'm not a peppermint fan, so I asked the barista to substitute sugar free caramel syrup for the peppermint in the skinny peppermint mocha, thus creating a skinny caramel mocha.

Ok. Smell - yummy. Good sign. I took a sip.... ooooooh, yum. SO awesomely good I mean, they must have really worked hard on this one, because it is outstanding. Very similar tasting to the normal mocha. The stats are as follows:

Skinny Peppermint Mocha: 100cals 1gr fat 13gr carbs 3gr fiber 10gr protein

In contrast:
Salted Caramel Mocha: 220cals 2gr fat 47gr carbs <1gr fiber 10gr protein

This doesn't even take into account how much sugar you are saving.

In all, I was a very happy camper this morning. Although, it's still a habit that has to be broken, because as we all know, it's still an expensive morning ritual!

ETA: The stats above for the drinks are for the "Tall" size... if you go bigger, be prepared for more calories... honestly, I think the "Tall" is just right!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I am AWESOME. And so are YOU.

I am so very tired of anticipating what I am going to do wrong everyday.

Was that breakfast food wrong?

Was it wrong to start this morning with a coffee drink?
Always in regard to food, and even seeping over into other parts of my life. Damn, I am so tired of beating on myself! My fear, of course, is if I'm not beating on myself, I will just dive back into old habits.

But I think there needs to be a happy medium.

A place where I am not fooling myself into thinking my unhealthy habits are healthy, but a place where you move on from something you do that may not be the "healthiest" and not allow it to become something I drown myself in guilt over.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling "wrong" and "bad". I want to feel good about myself. There is so much that goes into that, though. It's not JUST losing weight. It's accepting myself. Understanding what I want (to be healthy and fit)and forgive myself for being..well.. HUMAN.

I will be striving to find that place where I am forgiving and loving toward myself. I really believe it is in that place I will find "wellness". Isn't that what we are all striving for, really? To be "well", in whatever terms we deem appropriate?

For me, my "wellness" includes:
- being free from food (including food guilt and addiction-like tendencies)
- feeling calm and relaxed (at least MOST of the time!)
- feeling energized, and well rested
- feeling happy with my career
- having quality time with my family

Having these things will require I do OTHER things that sometimes I might find challenging, like being physically active everyday (which helps me feel energized), making good food choices (which helps me toward feeling free from food addiction, helps me feel energized), but not allowing myself to be bogged down when I make a mistake (helping me be calm and relaxed). Going to bed at a decent hour, and not overbooking my schedule (helping me to feel well rested, calm and relaxed, and to spend quality time with my family). Prioritizing my life to focus on what is really important to me (going to school for what I love, which will lead me to feeling happy with my career).

And while all of these things will bring me to my wellness, they are hard work! And guess what? I'm NOT PERFECT. But I have to MOVE BEYOND that.

So, today, I will try to make a special note of every time I make a good choice. Writing all this down in a good choice. Kudos to me! When I eat my healthy, delicious lunch I packed for myself, I will make note of that awesomeness.

I AM awesome. I do AWESOME things.

SO ARE YOU. No matter where you are in your journey RIGHT NOW, you ARE awesome and you do AWESOME things. Keep doing them - and not only that, give yourself some credit!

My Facebook status last night was "Even when I make mistakes, and I make a LOT of them, I will never quit. I will try everyday"

This doesn't have to be just about eating and weight loss. It's about anything in life.

So, what is YOUR wellness? What do you need to do to get there? What have you done that is AWESOME today???

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Seriously, the longest...

Ok, seriously, the last few days have been the longest at work EVER. I can't belive it's only 2:21.

Of course, it could be because I've been up since 4:45 with a little hobo-toothed baby... hmmm.

I seem to hit a big wall around this time of day. Ugh. I don't want to eat anything, because I feel yucky and bloated. Stuck. I am so stuck. Again.
I fall into these patches. I feel stuck and gross. It's not *just* eating. It's life. It's not moving as much as I should, it's not eating really well, it's not feeling productive in my life. It's feeling like I am a slave to circumstance. I know this is probably not true, but when you are deep in the feeling, it's hard to see that you could be something else. It's hard to see that you could be un-stuck.

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. " ~ Mary Pickford

I know the above is true, and yet I let the moments pass that I could make a change. Make a good decision, choose to be less stressed, less burdened, more optimistic and productive... but they pass... I keep letting them pass...

Our in-flux situation is not helping things. It probably should. It should motivate me to get moving. To get things done. But it's not doing that as much as I would love it to. I guess I am very dependant on my outside influences. That can't be good... How do I get away from that?

Ok. I'm gonna go for now. I have to much pushing around in my head to get it all out...

Monday, November 7, 2011

Update on real life

A lot has been going on around here, as I have eluded, and I can't really make things clear just yet. ***(see note) Things are in a big state of flux. There was excitement, and fear, and now the high is wearing off and reality is setting in. I don't like the reality. Not one bit. It pisses me off and makes me really cranky. When I get something in my head, I want to ATTACK it. Really GO for it and just get it done. I guess things can't always work like that. I know I'm impatient, and it's something I have to work on, but dammit, I'm pissed off right now.

*breath in. breath out*

Moving on to some family news. Little Thing 2 fell right on his little face Friday night and chipped his beautiful front tooth. He's totally fine. The dentist checked him out and said he was ok. But, it looks awful. I call it his hobo-tooth. I know it's just a baby tooth, and he's going to lose it, but I already can't wait for it to fall out. It'll probably take another 4 years. Hobo-tooth is here to stay. Yuck.

Thing 2 also took his very first steps all by himself. He was outside with the hubs, and he shook loose of my husbands hand and just went for it. He took 3 steps, looked up with a huge hobo-tooth grin, and promptly fell on his tush. So freakin cute, I can't stand it. My baby is growing up.

My eating has been spotty. It has not been great, but not terrible. I am tired of beating myself up for it. I won't allow myself to get crazy, but it's exhausting to constantly brow-beat. I know I will fall back into line.

Financially, we have made a commitment to cut our grocery bills and that is going to help our eating a LOT. I ALWAYS grocery shop well, it's the little stops here and there in between for the junk that kills us, money wise and calorie wise. So, there will be no more of that at all. We are getting bills under control, and in a hurry. We have things to do and places to go. I am looking out for my family, and our well-being as a whole. I know what to do to get that done, and it just can't happen fast enough for me.

Had a great workout at my gym on Saturday. It was "similar" to (but not NEARLY as awesome!) my Tuff Girl workouts. I was stoked, because I thought it was a new addition to the classes at the gym, but alas they were "just trying it out". They said maybe there would be another before the holidays. Oh. Boy. Big. Deal. So, I'll be going to gym till the membership runs out. (pretty sure we have 6 months left) and we will NOT be renewing, strictly because of the cash. I can workout at home. I have some fab DVD's I haven't even tried yet. I'm excited to dive into them. I will be working out tonight, and also getting some housework done while the hubs is off at rehearsal. I know he loves the show he is in, but I will be super happy to get him back home in the evenings. We are like ships passing in the night during the week.

UI woke up Sunday morning feeling like I did 4 weeks ago. Sick. Chest, nose congested, almost no voice to speak of (no pun intended), coughing. Had to skip out on church and choir, cause I felt terrible. I'm tired of being sick. I know I should probably go back to the doc, but I don't want to go in, pay another co-pay, for them to tell me it's just a lingering cold. Besides, I honestly don't even know when I would have the time to go.

Anyway, that is my real life update. Nothing spectacular to blog land, but lots for me.

*** (For anyone who is "wondering": no - I'm NOT pregnant!! LOL)

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Friday, November 4, 2011

Forks Over Knives

I watched this documentary that was just released in September called Forks Over Knives. It goes into the science and studies of a plant based, whole food diet, and how it can not only prevent diseases like cancer, heart disease, diabetes, but can actually reverse them in some cases. It was amazing to see these studies. For years they have watched to correlation between consumption on animal products and processed food with the massive amounts of deaths attributed to these diseases. So enlightening. Studying dietetics, we are taught the Department of Agricultures guidelines for the healthy diet of Americans. Even before seeing this documentary, I wondered about the manufacturers and corporate hand in what is "recommended". Are we recommending 3 servings of dairy because the dairy industry is involved in funding? Same for meat? I guess that could be pondered about with all the food groups. But this documentary shed more light on this issue. On a commitee of 11 people who made the decisions for the new MyPyramid, 6 of them had direct corporate agreements with manufacturers like Kraft, Beef association, Dairy industry, etc. Conflict of interest much? I feel strongly about doing more research into this way of life, and also on the influence of different corporations on the decisions of the dietary guidelines.

Ok, I'm off my soap box... For now.

Tomorrow morning, 8:00 workout. Teaching, and then family time. This is going to be an informative weekend... I think decisions will be made...

Just Sayin'

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Things are moving fast around here...
It's amazing how things can go from "status quo" to "holy shit" so fast.
This "holy shit" is a good thing, I think... but stressful non-the-less.
Will update when things are more... confirmed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Day 2 of detoxing after my horrific weekend. My tummy has recovered, and I am eating well - very clean. Lots of water. Only super whole, healthy grains, veggies, lean meats. I made an awesome white bean and chicken chili. Totally clean. Full of veggies, ground chicken breast, cannellini beans... really great.

No candy, although it's EVERYWHERE. No sugar. I find myself thinking "just one "fun size" is no big deal"... oh, the lies I tell myself. No I will not be having "just one".

How quickly I forget what pain I was in yesterday. How terrible I felt. Maybe it was a little tummy bug, but I prefer to think of it as a wake-up call.


I restarted tracking my food. Yesterday, tracking was a moot point, because all I could stomach was some water, tea, and later some kashi cereal. Total? Probably around 300 cals. Today is much more like normal, and my levels (protein, carbs, fiber, fat, calories) are all where I like to see them. I have plenty of calories left over for a nice, high protein dinner with a salad, and I'll be good.

Took Thing 1 and Thing 2 trick-or-treating. Thing 1 did well. He was polite. Said "thank you" and "Happy Halloween" and didn't put up a fuss when we headed home. He filled his small bucket with treats. He can have one piece, after dinner, each night. He'll forget about it within a few days and we will toss the rest. Wasteful? Maybe. But better in the garbage than in my belly. Thing 2 just went along for the walk. They were both so ridiculously cute in their costumes!

I'm considering going back to OA. I have tried it before, and I liked it, but I couldn't get out of my addiction at that point. I was still "using" and I couldn't foresee ever giving it up. Obviously, there was a denial aspect going on at that time in my life. I feel I am in a better place, but now I am having difficulty finding meetings near me. I'm going to keep searching, though. Part of me thinks "oh yeah, ok, put ONE more thing on the schedule" and well... that voice is kinds right. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'll work on it.

Today is the first day of registration for next semester. I worked my butt off last week to get everything cleared up so I could register and get into the coveted bio class I need that is ALWAYS full. I jump on this morning - and low and behold. It's full. Crap. So, I e-mailed my advisor and asked if there was a class I could take in its place. I get an e-mail back... my advisor, the genius that she is, had RESERVED half the bio class for her students(AKA: ME!)! NICE! No wonder it looked full! So, I will have a place in that class next semester, no fighting needed. Sweet!

I have been really dreading starting the science classes for my degree, but I am really starting to feel a lot more confident that I can handle it. I didn't do really well in HS in science (yes, that's the last time I took a science class!) But that was a long time ago. I am so passionate about what I am doing; I will do what is needed to move forward!

Some random things:
~my mom is super sick. Like, in bed, can't move kind of sick. Very rare for her. Worried.
~We sold my Mimas house. It been on the market a little while now. She passed almost 11 months ago. It's really hard. There are so many sweet memories in that house. I miss her so much.

Ok, that's all for now. Ciao, Bella!