I'm done. It's been an experience.

Hey peeps -

So, I have taken a really hard look at this blogging business and I've decided to stop blogging for a while. I'm not shutting down my page, but I am not going to be here reading, commenting, or updating.

I guess I'm just tired of so much negativity. Sometimes it's well meaning, sometimes it's helpful, but sometimes the stuff I read here is just mean, spiteful, cruel and un-needed. Since I wrote about re-prioritizing my life, it's been in the back of my head. Even when the negativity is not pointed at me, I feel it. I also start to worry it WILL be pointed at me, and frankly, I don’t need that kind of pressure from people I hardly know. I get it enough from myself! People have the right to put whatever they want on their own blogs, and I certainly don’t begrudge them that. So, that’s why I am taking a hiatus.

Look, I'll be honest. I don't know how long I'll stay away. Maybe I'll be dying to post next week. But the way I am feeling right now, it will probably not be anything I will be posting.

This blog is a nice outlet, but it does not keep me accountable for anything. Only I do that. So, I also don't want anyone to think I'm not posting because I'm off thigh-high in a chocolate cheesecake somewhere. I'm going to make my weight-loss and fitness goals regardless of writing them down here. I've come way too far not to keep going and get to where I want to be.

I have been changed by the people I have met through blogging. You are all in my thoughts and hearts in different ways. I wish you all peace, love, fitness, and happiness.

And one more sweaty pic for you, for good measure:

Peace.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... (or you'll drown)

Fuel for today, tweaked from yesterday

½ cup oats, ½ cup fresh blackberries, 2 egg whites, 2 tb pb

4 oz chicken breast, ½ bag steamed veggies, 68 grm sweet potato, hot sauce

1 banana, 1 hardboiled egg with black pepper

Training: Bodyology – Tapout Tabata

I’m a little stuck on dinner. I will get home from training about 6:20 and I have to leave for rehearsal at 6:45, and there needs to be a lightning fast shower in there, so I don’t offend anyone at rehearsal. I could do one of the following:

Hardboiled egg (already made in the fridge), 1 slice Ezekiel bread (toast) – but that’s kinda a lot of eggs for one day

Salad to bring with me - but will have to ask hubby to make it before hand, and that could be tricky, depending on the moods of Thing 1 and Thing 2...

Rehearsal will run until 9, and I don’t really want to eat when I get home.

I’ll figure it out.

Water all day.

Right now my weight goal is 175 (sound familiar?) That’s 20 lbs from where I am now. It could take months. I have to remember as long as I am putting the right things in my body and getting my sweat on, I’m doing the right things.

Next weigh in is June 24.

I’m not turning away from my fitness goals, mind you. They are still in process; I’m just giving more focus and honesty back to my food.

And more honesty to my life.

I need to reduce my stress and daily load. Right now, I’m working full time, 2 kids, school part time (yes, even in the summer), church and church committee, theater group show (which includes finding time to learn and memorize music) going up next weekend, thank GOD), cooking, cleaning, and working out. It’s just too much. And summer was supposed to give me some breathing room!

I’m re-prioritizing. I’m not going to be performing with the theater group I co-founded. I’ve been feeling the pressure to be back on stage with them, and I gave in for this upcoming concert. I can’t do this again. It’s stressing me out too much.

This makes my hubby sad. I know that is why I have not made this decision before, but I am making it now, and he is supporting me.

School – well, I gotta keep going. It’s the only true way I can feel comfortable helping people with weight loss. I want to be a Registered Dietitian. No, I don’t subscribe strictly to the FDA’s guidelines. I think they are getting better, but they aren’t enough. I won’t be preaching “My Plate” – but having the degree WILL give the scientific knowledge I need to accurately convey what I feel is good nutrition to a client. It also makes me a much more credible practitioner.

In a dream world, I would be able to work with clients NOW, and go to school FULL TIME so I can git ‘er done. In order to make that work financially, I would need more than 20 clients. Not likely to happen right away.

The church committee is a commitment I made that I simply cannot leave at this time. The committee *should* be done with our duties by the Fall. I am praying this is true, because it is also very time consuming.

Sorry for all this rambling. It’s all swimming around in my head, and this is my place to put it.

That’s all I’ll subject you to for now. Peace, people.

Moving forward...

Fuel for today:

1 scoop “About Time” protein, ½ cup frozen blueberries, water - 140

1 piece quiche, ½ cup blueberries - 398

4 oz chicken breast, 60 gr (yes, it was tiny) sweet potato, ½ bag steamed veggies, hot sauce - 240

½ banana with 2 tbs PB -275

Large veggie salad, oil and vinegar, 4 oz turkey breast  - haven’t measured it all out yet, I’m expecting it to be about 350

Training tonight, 40 minute “Sworkit” Lower body killer

55 oz of water so far. Plan on 40+ more.

Chicken/turkey  is cooked in olive oil and some salt, pepper, flick of red pepper flakes. Black pepper and hot sauce on all of lunch.

STATS:

Cals 1296, Fat 35 g, Cholesterol 413 mg, Sodium 3152 mg, Carbs 120 g, Fiber 24 g, Protein 113 g, Sugars 36 g

Fuel for tomorrow:

1 scoop “About Time” protein, ½ cup frozen berries, water

½ cup oats, ½ cup fresh blueberries, 2 egg whites

Zucchini lasagna

½ banana, 2 tbs pb

Training: Bodyology

Large veggie salad, oil and vinegar, 6 oz shrimp

Thanks for the comments yesterday. Many reflect what I have come to figure out. The scale will always be part of my life. As a binger, and as a formerly very obese (and still obese) person, I need it to be honest. I tried to “trust myself” and it simply doesn’t work.

A special thanks to NORMA, who has reminded me to “Keep it fucking simple, Stupid”, and has sent me a list of the best foods to keep is simple and unprocessed. I didn’t consider that my making dishes were “feeding” my inner fat girl, mentally. Leading me toward cravings for other things. But, it makes total sense. And from one former binger to another, I get it.

In the same vein, I will not waste the food, which is clean, that I made this weekend, so it will be interspersed into each day.

Weighed myself again this morning, and that damn 195 stuck. So, there it is. Not for long.

So, it has come to this. Realizations, and coming clean...

Here it is folks, the post you probably knew was coming.

This is the post where I will tell you that I, in fact, CANNOT trust myself without a check in with the scale.

Apparently.

I actually thought I was doing *OK*. Certainly not stellar, but not crazy-eating like I have previously. One extra something here, a coffee drink there… but either I am incredibly good at gaining weight (which, obviously, I am) or I have been having off days, and “just a little extra”  too often.

It’s probably a combo of both.

You can see the ticker above ** shows what the scale said this morning. Although there are likely a few lbs of water in there, you can see – it’s a gain. A big gain.

**(In case I can't get the ticker to work. Weigh in this morning was 195. *gulp*. There. I said it)

I have been killing workouts. I am very proud of that. But the number doesn’t lie. I’m eating way over my calories.

I think I get caught up with what other people think is the “right way” to go. It can be the right way, for THEM. But my inner-fat-girl is all too happy not to count calories and check macros, just because I am “eating clean” (which of course has not been 100%. Why bother when I’m not seeing the negative effects, right?). IFG loves to occasionally NOT weigh and measure. A “little extra” is “no big deal every once in a while”

But what IS “every once in a while?”

I obviously have no idea.

I feel like I’m back to square one. Like I might as well be 365lbs again.

Alright, I know that’s not true. But sometimes it really feels like it.

Here is the honest-to-God truth on my fuel for the day: There will be no additions in the evening time, because it’s “no big deal”. This. Is. It. (I’m talking to my IFG, in case you were wondering)

coffee

Quiche, 3/4 cup blueberries

33 oz plain seltzer

Zucchini lasagna (made with zucchini as noodles, with spinach, chicken breast, homemade sauce, cottage cheese)

33 oz water

33 oz water

Banana with 2 tbs PB

Training: Mayhem

33 oz water or seltzer

2.5 oz chicken breast, seasoned, on ½ sweet potato, salsa, grated cheese, broccoli

Cals1236, Fat45 g, Cholesterol386 mg, Sodium3149 mg, Carbs123 g, Fiber20 g, Protein86 g, Sugars41 g

 

In all this today, in posting my goals HERE, I am telling you what I AM doing. Now I will tell you what I will NOT do.

I will NOT disappear.

I will not stop even though sometimes I want to.

I WILL NOT QUIT.

This is my life. Mine alone. I am stumbling, I am falling, but I’m not going to give up.

Getting my mind right… gonna rock out some training later.

The Beast

This happened on Wednesday: 

I did the intermediate and advanced reps. Even on the push-ups and band rows, I made my own intermediate reps. LOL. I started with metabolic/strength round. I finished with about 45 seconds left. As I was panting on the floor, one of my team mates looked at me and said, with a little desperation, "I still have 10 burpees left" I jumped up and told her I would do them with her. I counted them down as we did them. I felt awesome, and she told me she didn't think she would have done them otherwise. It was amazing for BOTH of us. 

On the strength round, I used #25 for the advanced ladder. The timer went off after the 10 min round, and I sucked it up, and finished my last 2 lunges, and last 8 push-ups, with my fitness family cheering me on. I HAD to finish the round. i couldn't just stop. Totally accomplished. 

It was really awesome.

That's all I got for ya, cause hubby and I are taking a mental health day and having total relaxation. Ahhhh... Relaxing is hard for me. I am always thinking of something that needs to be done. But, not today. It was hard to just stop. But I did. I know I needed it. 

Peace, my peeps. 

Goals for 6 week Challenge

Hey guys!

I wanted to post my goals for the 6 week challenge I am doing over at Nerd Fitness: I'm pretty happy with them, but it's a lot to focus on at once. I think I can, I think I can!!

So far, it's going great. Tonight at Bodyology: "The Beast". Nice.

Last night I did a 20 minute "Sworkit" workout (Thanks again Chubby!!!) called "Bring The Pain". It did, and that made me happy. Well, it made me swear out loud, but it made me happy after.

Goals:
1. Eat Clean:
What does this entail?
No processed food, sugar substitute, white flour, less than 8 grams of added sugar per day
No more than 1 serving of dairy per day
Clean carbs, including oats, quinoa, beans and legumes
Lean protein, including meat, eggs, beans and legumes
Any and all fruits and vegetables
Healthy fats
80+ oz of water per day (plain or sparkling)
Logging all food into Livestrong.
This will also involve cooking for most of the week on Sunday, preparing foods and dividing into individual servings for ease during the week.

2. Gym/training at least 4 times per week
Bodyology 2-3 days, plus gym/home workouts 2-3 days
Circuit training will be primary importance, including weights and metabolic training together

Within this goal, I will strive for the following:
5 full pushups, chest to floor, in a row,  1 single purple band assisted pull up
 
3. Fit comfortably into my size 10 capris by the end of challenge. (Comfortably: can wear them all day at work with no problem. Right now, I can button and zipper them. Breathing is another story)
How? See #1, #2 and #4.
 
4. Take at least 20 minutes to wind down before sleep, and MORE sleep
This means NO internet, TV or gaming 20 minutes before bed/sleeping
Getting at least 8 hours of sleep per night.
This will mean being ASLEEP by 10:00 at the latest.

Later peeps!!!

Git 'er done!

Just a small update

Made it through the overly booked weekend, and here we are again!
Monday's aren't as bad when I get to go train after work! :-)

I mentioned I am doing the 6 week challenge over at Nerd Fitness. Super excited to start a new challenge to keep my head in the game!

Fuel for today:

1 cup tea (Yes - back off the coffee!)
1 serving Quiche, 5 strawberries
1 clean muffin
1/2 cup crock pot pinto beans, 1/2 sweet potato, 1/2 bag steamed veggies
1 banana, 2 tbs PB
1 muffin
Training: Can't remember which one we are doing! Hmmm.... may be Inferno Tabata
4 oz chicken, 1/2 cup frozen mango chunks, large veggie salad

I'm working on my last 30 oz of water (making 100 total) right now.

I slamed through PR's on Saturday like it was my job. Multiple 20" box jumps, 185 hex bar deadlift (5). 30 lb double overhead press. I got a really good gauge on my pull-ups, so I have made my pull up goal appropriately. I felt like a freaking bad-ass.

I feel awesome.

I've made some tweeks. I'm going back to logging all of my food, to get an idea on the calories I'm eating. I'm still not weighing myself, but I have a new goal outfit. I'll take pics soon, so we have a comparison!

I'm out for now. Peace, everyone!