So, it has come to this. Realizations, and coming clean...

Here it is folks, the post you probably knew was coming.

This is the post where I will tell you that I, in fact, CANNOT trust myself without a check in with the scale.

Apparently.

I actually thought I was doing *OK*. Certainly not stellar, but not crazy-eating like I have previously. One extra something here, a coffee drink there… but either I am incredibly good at gaining weight (which, obviously, I am) or I have been having off days, and “just a little extra”  too often.

It’s probably a combo of both.

You can see the ticker above ** shows what the scale said this morning. Although there are likely a few lbs of water in there, you can see – it’s a gain. A big gain.

**(In case I can't get the ticker to work. Weigh in this morning was 195. *gulp*. There. I said it)

I have been killing workouts. I am very proud of that. But the number doesn’t lie. I’m eating way over my calories.

I think I get caught up with what other people think is the “right way” to go. It can be the right way, for THEM. But my inner-fat-girl is all too happy not to count calories and check macros, just because I am “eating clean” (which of course has not been 100%. Why bother when I’m not seeing the negative effects, right?). IFG loves to occasionally NOT weigh and measure. A “little extra” is “no big deal every once in a while”

But what IS “every once in a while?”

I obviously have no idea.

I feel like I’m back to square one. Like I might as well be 365lbs again.

Alright, I know that’s not true. But sometimes it really feels like it.

Here is the honest-to-God truth on my fuel for the day: There will be no additions in the evening time, because it’s “no big deal”. This. Is. It. (I’m talking to my IFG, in case you were wondering)

coffee

Quiche, 3/4 cup blueberries

33 oz plain seltzer

Zucchini lasagna (made with zucchini as noodles, with spinach, chicken breast, homemade sauce, cottage cheese)

33 oz water

33 oz water

Banana with 2 tbs PB

Training: Mayhem

33 oz water or seltzer

2.5 oz chicken breast, seasoned, on ½ sweet potato, salsa, grated cheese, broccoli

Cals1236, Fat45 g, Cholesterol386 mg, Sodium3149 mg, Carbs123 g, Fiber20 g, Protein86 g, Sugars41 g

 

In all this today, in posting my goals HERE, I am telling you what I AM doing. Now I will tell you what I will NOT do.

I will NOT disappear.

I will not stop even though sometimes I want to.

I WILL NOT QUIT.

This is my life. Mine alone. I am stumbling, I am falling, but I’m not going to give up.

Getting my mind right… gonna rock out some training later.