Monday, June 10, 2013

So, it has come to this. Realizations, and coming clean...

Here it is folks, the post you probably knew was coming.
This is the post where I will tell you that I, in fact, CANNOT trust myself without a check in with the scale.
I actually thought I was doing *OK*. Certainly not stellar, but not crazy-eating like I have previously. One extra something here, a coffee drink there… but either I am incredibly good at gaining weight (which, obviously, I am) or I have been having off days, and “just a little extra”  too often.
It’s probably a combo of both.
You can see the ticker above ** shows what the scale said this morning. Although there are likely a few lbs of water in there, you can see – it’s a gain. A big gain.
**(In case I can't get the ticker to work. Weigh in this morning was 195. *gulp*. There. I said it)
I have been killing workouts. I am very proud of that. But the number doesn’t lie. I’m eating way over my calories.
I think I get caught up with what other people think is the “right way” to go. It can be the right way, for THEM. But my inner-fat-girl is all too happy not to count calories and check macros, just because I am “eating clean” (which of course has not been 100%. Why bother when I’m not seeing the negative effects, right?). IFG loves to occasionally NOT weigh and measure. A “little extra” is “no big deal every once in a while”
But what IS “every once in a while?”
I obviously have no idea.
I feel like I’m back to square one. Like I might as well be 365lbs again.
Alright, I know that’s not true. But sometimes it really feels like it.
Here is the honest-to-God truth on my fuel for the day: There will be no additions in the evening time, because it’s “no big deal”. This. Is. It. (I’m talking to my IFG, in case you were wondering)
Quiche, 3/4 cup blueberries
33 oz plain seltzer
Zucchini lasagna (made with zucchini as noodles, with spinach, chicken breast, homemade sauce, cottage cheese)
33 oz water
33 oz water
Banana with 2 tbs PB
Training: Mayhem
33 oz water or seltzer
2.5 oz chicken breast, seasoned, on ½ sweet potato, salsa, grated cheese, broccoli

Cals1236, Fat45 g, Cholesterol386 mg, Sodium3149 mg, Carbs123 g, Fiber20 g, Protein86 g, Sugars41 g

In all this today, in posting my goals HERE, I am telling you what I AM doing. Now I will tell you what I will NOT do.
I will NOT disappear.
I will not stop even though sometimes I want to.
This is my life. Mine alone. I am stumbling, I am falling, but I’m not going to give up.
Getting my mind right… gonna rock out some training later.


  1. This happened to me when my sister came up back in October and after stupid Hurricane Sandy. I thought I was doing great and then I hopped on the scale and was, like, "WTF?!!?!!" There it was: a ten pound gain. I wanted to die and I instantly worried that I was bound to be one of those bloggers that allofasudden gains it all back. NoooooooooooooooOOOOooOOoOoooOOOOOOooo! Oy!

    The sucky part of weight loss is the gain part (and how incredibly easy it is to gain and how quickly the weight can come back on - why?! Dear, God, WHY?!). It's the worst. However, it can only be made more terrible if you quit...which you won't.

    You're back up. You're dusting yourself off. THAT is the key.

    Kill it, Kelliann! KILL IT!

  2. Hi! Just found you! Your foods for the day look good, except high in sodium.

    Have you tried grain free? :)

  3. E-mail me if you dare, Kelliann. Just got a few ideas that came to mind from what you mentioned here. ;)

  4. OK, you've said it. *There* is the difference between you and the trainwrecks. You are not in denial.

    Email Norma.

    Stay with us, good or bad.
    You're not going back there. We won't let you.

    This is as nice as I'll get. You know I love you, but this is not about *balance* or telling you how great you are.

    Get out of the rut and move on.


  5. I think the important thing is that you confronted the reality and are going to do something about it.

    Have a great week!

  6. Thanks for the input, guys. Emailed Norma. I know I'm sucking. Working on not sucking. Taking all your words to heart

  7. "The only people mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie." Don't you dare become one of those living a lie. Please? You've already taken the first step by coming forward and laying it out.

  8. P.S. I don't believe you're living a lie or that you are a trainwreck. Those people refuse to admit something is wrong - you already have. That's the difference between you and them.

  9. Hi Kelliann! Well, if you have kicked yourself in the butt, well, I trust that. You sound very clear about what to do. Get back on track ASAP because you know that as soon as you do, the slide screeches its brakes.

    I still have a chubby brain with chubby thoughts, which makes me feel unconfident on certain days too--but that feeling does pass. You know what to do.

    :-) Marion

  10. As much as I hate it myself, we shall be chained to the scales for a long time. I sit back and wonder how long I will have to preplan my food, journal everyday, and weigh every morning... And then I realize its forever. And that's OK... Because I'm not going back.

  11. I love what Kelly said about liars hating to hear the truth. That ain't you, Kelliann. This is nothing more than being unflinchingly honest with yourself and with your readers (to whom, of course, you do not owe anything. But you do owe yourself!). You took a deep breath, faced the truth and put the brakes on. Protein, veggies, water, sweat, baby. That's it.

  12. Are we done feeling bad for the girl that lost a gajillion pounds and f'd up a little. Back on the horse, still in the gym, still doing great. Relax, enjoy the journey, and get it done. No shame at all....