*sigh*

Found out my insurance denied my tummy tuck. I was told over and over that it would be covered - 160 lbs down, for crimminies sake!! But my "skin doesn't hang low enough" apparently.
Not sure what I'm going to do... maybe try to get down my final 30 and go back...maybe the skin will hang looser then...
It's very depressing. And it really makes me want to run up and get some sugar and chocolate laden something.
I feel defeated.
I feel I will never have the body I work so hard for.
Will I ever have piece of mind with large amounts of skin flapping around my body the rest of my life?
No. I can never feel confident about my body with all of this skin and excess just hanging.
Am I working for nothing? Am I working to...basically stay the same?
I am just so... sad. I know that sounds ridiculous. But I am.
That's all.

A beautiful post... PLEASE read

This is not weight loss related - specifically. But THIS POST is absolutly incredible. Please read it. Sit with it. Think about it.
What sign are YOU needing to wear today?
What sign can you see OTHERS wearing around you?
Our lives can be hard. But so can everyone elses.

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost
To the many of you out there going through weight loss and sticking to a weight loss plan, this is an awesome quote.

Look, we are all going to have trials. We are all going to have a breaking moment - a moment where you can ride the wave of a craving, let it flow through and and let it go, or you can let it crash all around you and give in. The fact is, the only way you are going to be successful is by learning YOUR body and what is going to really work for it. Everyone is different.

Now don't take the advise to mean that you can fool yourself into believing that a "bite" of this and a "taste" of that all day long, all week long, is just what YOUR body needs. Really listen to yourself. We all know, deep down inside what we need. We all know the truth. Some choose to bury it deep and ignore it. Well, if you are going to make a lifestyle change, you have to bring that truth to the surface. Acknowledge it. Speak it outloud. Tell someone else your truth. Here is my truth:

I am a sugar addict.

Some of you may know what that entails, others may not. I'm not going to go into it right now. I KNOW my truth and what I have to do about it. I don't LIKE it, but knowing the truth MUST lead to fixing ourselves for the better. I won't hide behind my addiction. "Oh, I can't stop eating this because I am an ADDICT" Um, no. I work my way through it. I take responsibility. In the end, we all must take responsibility for our selves, for our bodies and the state they are in.

FIND your TRUTH
ADMIT your RESPONSIBILITY
TAKE ACTION.
do this - lose FAT

Anything else will simply lead you to crashes and burns over and over. It's called yo-yo dieting, and all it's going to do is distroy your body and drive you insane.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Healing

"To be humble is to be grounded, to be from the earth, to be human, to be okay with being human. In a nutshell, it's accepting your wonderfully lovable imperfection.

It’s easy to hold images of perfection and project them into our lives. If we carry around idealized images of how life should unfold, how our growth out of overeating should unfold, how we should unfold, we create a very narrow space to succeed - and a very narrow space to feel good.

I invite you to embrace your humanity. Recognize that imperfection, having to work to change, and making mistakes is normal, acceptable, and okay. It creates a very gentle, forgiving space in which to unfold - which gives you a much greater chance to stop overeating."

- from Heal Overeating: Untangled,

Wow, I really needed to read something like this today, and there it was. I opened up a random e-mail I normally would have deleated, and it was there to greet me.
I've been having a hard time, mentally, lately. I'm sure you could tell from my last post. It started with some strange dreams that REALLY freaked me out, a lot of stress, some pain... and just kept spiraling until I felt so down, dark, and sad I didn't know what to do with myself... I still feel down. I still have a tired, hopeless feeling... however, I can feel myself getting a little lighter (mentally, not physically) and I hope it's the beginning of returning to a more positive place.
I have been stuck at this weight for a while. Up and down about 5 lbs or so. I have been exercising like a mad woman, but my eating has gotten poor again. I joined in with Allan and his troops, and I hung in there for a while, but I've been dragged back down (Sorry Allan!). My own fault, totally. You have to take responsibility for your own actions - positive AND negative. If I'm going to pat myself on the back when I succeed, I need to kick myself in the ass when I screw up.
*kick**kick*
But, what I need to do TODAY is forgive myself and move on. Forgiving yourself does NOT mean allowing the bad behavior to continue. It means not beating yourself up for the past, and moving on back to your healthier state. That is where I am at. Beating myself up only got me depressed - feeling like I was never going to get past this hump. THAT only perpetuated my behavior. I will NOT fall back into the cycle.
Yeah, yeah - I'll talk to my shrink ALL about this! LOL
Anyway, I'm still here. I'm making my way slowly but surely back up the great big hill of healthy eating and exercise. I will get back to the top and I will work hard to stay there. Even though I feel tired now. Even though I feel beaten, I will not stay beaten.

leavin'...on a jet plane...

Ever feel like you are alone, even when you are surrounded? Ever feel like no one can hear you, even though you are screaming? Ever feel like a failure? A nothing? A no-body? Useless? Worthless? Bad? Wrong? Guilty?

Yea. Me too.

And I really, really hate it.

Sometimes I want to run away somewhere. I would hop a plane and go to Seattle. I would call my brother from the Seattle airport and say "hey! Come pick me up!" and I would hide. I would hide away and I would pretend I didn't exist. That I had no responsibility, no worries, no failures - because I just wouldn't exist.

Poof.

Then I wake up in reality. I would miss my boys (all 3 of them) WAY too much to leave them. I can't disappear and not leave them at the same time, so... here I am. Still screaming and not being heard - not even knowing how to express myself sometimes. Still surrounded by this amazing, unconditional love from my husband and my boys and my family... and feeling alone.

I'm not perfect. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far from it. Things will never be what I want them to be, where I want them to be. I'm so tired of trying.

Conversations... with myself.

It's Tuesday, and I keep thinking it's Monday. This is, of course, a good thing, but also annoying, as I was not prepared for my class after work today. Thanks to my hubby, I am now.

Anyway...

Liquids again today. I think this will be the final day, and I will move to lots of liquids and *some* food. I am getting my body back on the band wagon after Hurricane Irene gave me too much of an excuse to eat like crap.
As soon as I realized that I was unprepared for my class this evening and had the subsequent freak-out, I conversation began:

"liquids just isn't a good idea today".
"Why? Why isn't it a good idea?"
"Well.... because.... I need more energy than this to get through the day..."
"You are taking in enough calories to function perfectly well"
But, but... I, um, OK FINE: I need to comfort myself with food"
"ohhhhh, I see. But, when do you *NOT* feel as though you need to do that?"
".... um... never, I guess"
"so, it will never be a "good time" to get yourself into this place... So, SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP"

So, if you don't have conversations like this in your own head, you might think I'm a nut-job, and well, that might be true. But, this is how I have to deal with myself sometimes.
The left-over pastries all over the office are not helping, but they are REALLY not going to help anything in my body. As a matter of fact, I will feel worse, and frankly, will still feel nervous about class. So, WTF?

Needless to say, liquids continues through today. Good times.

quick check in...

super short post- don't you hate these?
Feeling cranky and tired. First weekend of our show run and I'm on all liquids. Just wanted to give my system a rest from all the garbage I have been putting in it. Tomorrow, I get to eat. Exciting. Very clean (even on a holiday, when we have people coming over). Making a big salad. Starting the day with a spin class... sad I can't run the road race so many of my Tuff-Girl friends, and other friends are running tomorrow. Screw you, heel!
Show is going very, very well. It's tiring, and the space we are in is HOT, so we are all losing gallons in water weight just sweating under the lights in our heavy costumes. Unfortunately, it doesn't take the place of a workout!
Will do a thorough update tomorrow...