Wednesday, September 7, 2011

leavin'...on a jet plane...

Ever feel like you are alone, even when you are surrounded? Ever feel like no one can hear you, even though you are screaming? Ever feel like a failure? A nothing? A no-body? Useless? Worthless? Bad? Wrong? Guilty?

Yea. Me too.

And I really, really hate it.

Sometimes I want to run away somewhere. I would hop a plane and go to Seattle. I would call my brother from the Seattle airport and say "hey! Come pick me up!" and I would hide. I would hide away and I would pretend I didn't exist. That I had no responsibility, no worries, no failures - because I just wouldn't exist.


Then I wake up in reality. I would miss my boys (all 3 of them) WAY too much to leave them. I can't disappear and not leave them at the same time, so... here I am. Still screaming and not being heard - not even knowing how to express myself sometimes. Still surrounded by this amazing, unconditional love from my husband and my boys and my family... and feeling alone.

I'm not perfect. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far from it. Things will never be what I want them to be, where I want them to be. I'm so tired of trying.

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