I told you I would be back today...
Basically, I am typing to keep my hands out of the M&M's in my office.
Those damn M&M's are calling my name, and I am NOT answering.
I am working (ok, I'm blogging) and ignoring them.
Thankfully, I brought a Click shake in order to stave off the sweets craving. I will make it soon - but I want to hold off a little.
This really IS a rambling post...
ugh
My water is suffering a little - I've only drunk 20 oz so far - I've usually downed 40-60 oz by now. I gotta step it up, but I feel a little nauseous when I drink too much, too fast today.
I forgot the most important part of my salad today: my veggie burger. I susally cook it up, cut it up and mix it in with my salad - so my protein source for my lunch was totally absent. I know I am going to be hungry soon.
SUCK.
The click shake has protein (thankfully) but won't be in my belly long enough to keep me from being hungry.
I was never one of the lucky ones who lost that "hungry" feeling (the hormone Ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, lessens greatly in many gastric bypass patients - but not all). I like to joke that I was hungry when they were wheeling me out of surgery. Although not quite true, I never had a loss of that hungry feeling. *sigh* Would have been nice.
2.5 hours left of work. I know it must seem like I'm slacking big time since I am blogging when I should be working - but I am typing as I am on hold with other offices... therefor this blog is taking a while to type.
I want a cookie. Gr.
Ok, enough. I'm signing out and sucking it up.
Later...
PROGRESS!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Warning: potentially whiny
I mentioned a few posts ago that TOM was approaching, and even though I DO NOT use it as an excuse to overeat and not exercise, I DO use it as an excuse to be whiney and emotional. SO, that being said, if you are offended by such actions, please navigate away from this page now.
No really..... Now.
Ok?
Still here?
Alright, you asked for it...
I was totally exhausted last night and I didn't "exercise". I say "exercise" because I still walked over 13000 steps, many at a very fast pace, and I still burned 1000 calories more than I took in. That is what I strive for everyday. Still, it bugged me that I couldn't get up off my butt to do anything. Ok, let me rephrase - I could have, but chose not to. *sigh*
Probably not a great choice.
HOWEVER, I WILL have time to get in a cardio workout this evening, as the kids are going to Mimi's (my mother) house for the night, and by the time I get home from work, they will already be enjoying their time with her, and I will be able to get in a good workout and shower before rehearsal.
Score.
Tomorrow morning is Tuff Girl at 8:00 - HOORAY! I ALWAYS look forward to going there and working my BUTT off... I am sad, because it's the last class I was so graciously gifted by a friend of mine, and the struggle continues to find the cash to keep going... I think I can scrape together the cash to do a 5 class pass... but I have to really do the math. Very few students this weekend, and groceries, gas, and bills have to be the priority.
Ok, so this post is not turning out as whiny as I thought. Aren't you glad you stuck around?
I talked to my brother last night, which always makes me happy, even when I am in a crappy mood. We talked about my business, and how he has lots of ways he can help me, including building my website (which he is SUPER good at!) I am so lucky to have a supportive family.
Ok, so I am going to get a little whiny here - I really really don't want to be here today. I can already tell it's going to be a very, very long day. I want to be home. I want more sleep. I want to go to the gym. I want to go back to sleep.
Did I mention I want more sleep?
I am currently an emotional wreck. I have already cried twice at work. I have only been here just over an hour.
This does not bode well.
Alright... I'm gonna wrap this up before I continue to babble like a moron. I'm SURE you'll hear more from me later. 'Cause today, I will simply not be silenced in my whining/babbling.
It's my blog, and I'm whine/babble if I want to.
No really..... Now.
Ok?
Still here?
Alright, you asked for it...
I was totally exhausted last night and I didn't "exercise". I say "exercise" because I still walked over 13000 steps, many at a very fast pace, and I still burned 1000 calories more than I took in. That is what I strive for everyday. Still, it bugged me that I couldn't get up off my butt to do anything. Ok, let me rephrase - I could have, but chose not to. *sigh*
Probably not a great choice.
HOWEVER, I WILL have time to get in a cardio workout this evening, as the kids are going to Mimi's (my mother) house for the night, and by the time I get home from work, they will already be enjoying their time with her, and I will be able to get in a good workout and shower before rehearsal.
Score.
Tomorrow morning is Tuff Girl at 8:00 - HOORAY! I ALWAYS look forward to going there and working my BUTT off... I am sad, because it's the last class I was so graciously gifted by a friend of mine, and the struggle continues to find the cash to keep going... I think I can scrape together the cash to do a 5 class pass... but I have to really do the math. Very few students this weekend, and groceries, gas, and bills have to be the priority.
Ok, so this post is not turning out as whiny as I thought. Aren't you glad you stuck around?
I talked to my brother last night, which always makes me happy, even when I am in a crappy mood. We talked about my business, and how he has lots of ways he can help me, including building my website (which he is SUPER good at!) I am so lucky to have a supportive family.
Ok, so I am going to get a little whiny here - I really really don't want to be here today. I can already tell it's going to be a very, very long day. I want to be home. I want more sleep. I want to go to the gym. I want to go back to sleep.
Did I mention I want more sleep?
I am currently an emotional wreck. I have already cried twice at work. I have only been here just over an hour.
This does not bode well.
Alright... I'm gonna wrap this up before I continue to babble like a moron. I'm SURE you'll hear more from me later. 'Cause today, I will simply not be silenced in my whining/babbling.
It's my blog, and I'm whine/babble if I want to.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
FitBit Review
FINALLY! IT IS HERE! WHAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!
Ok, not nearly that dramatic.
Here is my own personal FitBit review. FitBit is NOT paying me for this, nor did I receive a FitBit for free (I only wish this were so!)
This little gem is really quite awesome. I have lost 13.6 lbs since I began using it at the end of May. I do give some credit to this little gadget, because it has made me a true data-geek. I LOVE seeing my calories expended, and you can log all your food on the site, and then see your deficit. Fab!
I personally clip it to my bra everyday. It clamps tightly and I have never had an experience where it has fallen off, even during vigorous exercise. You cannot see it, because it's so small. Any guys who might be reading - it clamps just as easily to your pocket or waist band.
One of the super-cool features of this gadget is that it automatically uploads to your PC when you are within 15 feet of the base station (which plugs into your computer). You can wear it all day long, and it will upload as soon as you are close to your computer. So cool!
The Fitbit tracks your calories expended, steps taken, distance traveled AND even tracks your sleep quality! You actually wear it on a little wrist band to bed and it will tell you how long it took you to fall asleep, how long you slept, how many times you woke up, and your overall quality of sleep!
Some other things:
You have the option of tracking activities if you, for example, aren't wearing your FitBit (perhaps swimming - do NOT wear it in the water!), or if you are doing activity, such as weight lifting, where energy (calories) is being expended, but because your movement is somewhat limited, the tracker does not log it accurately.
So, let's break this down:
Things I LOVE about my FitBit:
1. Tracking my steps/calories expended
2. tracking my sleep quality
3. FREE website to track your food and upload your data
4. website is easy to navigate, and you can track your weight, food, activity, blood pressure (note: FitBit does not TAKE your blood pressure), glucose levels (ditto), you can journal... all in one place.
Things I don't LOVE about my FitBit:
1. The food tracking: I needed to add most of my foods to the database, which I found a little annoying. Coming from Livestrong.com, where there was SO much already in the system, I had to get used to that.
2. I wish it had a few more options when it comes to activities to track.
3. I wish there was a way it could track your heart rate, so the calories were that much more accurate.
Overall, I really do love my FitBit. I think it's just the thing I needed right now in my fitness journey. In the future, I may consider upgrading to something more extensive, like a heart rate monitor of some kind, or a BodyBugg... but right now. I love my FitBit!
Ok, not nearly that dramatic.
Here is my own personal FitBit review. FitBit is NOT paying me for this, nor did I receive a FitBit for free (I only wish this were so!)
This little gem is really quite awesome. I have lost 13.6 lbs since I began using it at the end of May. I do give some credit to this little gadget, because it has made me a true data-geek. I LOVE seeing my calories expended, and you can log all your food on the site, and then see your deficit. Fab!
I personally clip it to my bra everyday. It clamps tightly and I have never had an experience where it has fallen off, even during vigorous exercise. You cannot see it, because it's so small. Any guys who might be reading - it clamps just as easily to your pocket or waist band.
One of the super-cool features of this gadget is that it automatically uploads to your PC when you are within 15 feet of the base station (which plugs into your computer). You can wear it all day long, and it will upload as soon as you are close to your computer. So cool!
The Fitbit tracks your calories expended, steps taken, distance traveled AND even tracks your sleep quality! You actually wear it on a little wrist band to bed and it will tell you how long it took you to fall asleep, how long you slept, how many times you woke up, and your overall quality of sleep!
Some other things:
You have the option of tracking activities if you, for example, aren't wearing your FitBit (perhaps swimming - do NOT wear it in the water!), or if you are doing activity, such as weight lifting, where energy (calories) is being expended, but because your movement is somewhat limited, the tracker does not log it accurately.
So, let's break this down:
Things I LOVE about my FitBit:
1. Tracking my steps/calories expended
2. tracking my sleep quality
3. FREE website to track your food and upload your data
4. website is easy to navigate, and you can track your weight, food, activity, blood pressure (note: FitBit does not TAKE your blood pressure), glucose levels (ditto), you can journal... all in one place.
Things I don't LOVE about my FitBit:
1. The food tracking: I needed to add most of my foods to the database, which I found a little annoying. Coming from Livestrong.com, where there was SO much already in the system, I had to get used to that.
2. I wish it had a few more options when it comes to activities to track.
3. I wish there was a way it could track your heart rate, so the calories were that much more accurate.
Overall, I really do love my FitBit. I think it's just the thing I needed right now in my fitness journey. In the future, I may consider upgrading to something more extensive, like a heart rate monitor of some kind, or a BodyBugg... but right now. I love my FitBit!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Pushing through
I've been trying to shove the gain I saw on the scale out of my mind. I know there is no real reason for it, and I have noticed my body tends to do this. I stay the same, I gain, I lose it all, plus more. You'd think I'd be used to it after all this time, but it still bugs me.
My heel is killing me. I think I can safely say the cortizone shot 3 weeks ago worked for about 3 days. I have to call my podiatrist and see what they next step is, since I don't think I can get another shot yet. I've been told that it may not get better since I am not resting it... but I can't rest it. I have to move. I have to walk, to workout... I can't get out of my habit or it will be that much harder to get back into it.
Granted, the running this weekend was probably excessive.
I have to find a happy medium. This may mean more spinning classes. Ugh.
Feeling a little down today, back is aching... I know what all these things are leading to. But I don't use "that time" as an excuse to sit on the couch and pig out on junk. I'd LIKE to, but come on, where would I be if one full week per month I did that? I'd still be at 365 lbs.
My Damsels in De-Stress Weight Loss Challenge group is doing wonderfully. Everyone is losing inches, and gaining lots of knowledge and insight into themselves, their weight, and their bodies. It's fantastic, and it feels so good to lead this awesome group of women. One more sign that this is what I want to be doing with my life. Motivating, inspiring and guiding people to their best, most fit, happiest selves.
No pressure. LOL
I'm doing some reasearch into starting a business. Mostly into the governement aspect of it - paperwork to be filed, etc. Looking into grants and developing my programs/plans. I may have a long way to go for a degree, but I have an awful lot of knowledge I can be passing on along the way. I plan on getting a nutrition certification, and then work on a fitness certification, as I continue working on the degrees. I think both aspects are important. Now, if I could only win the lotto so I could pay for it all... If any of you out there reading this are rich and just looking for some ways to use your money to benefit the community, feel free to grant it to me!! LOL!
Pushing through my mood, and my aches and pains. The weather this morning was gorgeous - like an early fall morning instead of the end of July. So I walked outside longer than usual. Almost 4000 steps already!
ETA: Ended the day with 13,366 steps - thanks to the addition of my spinning class this evening. Successfully removed myself from the kitchen this evening when I was on the verge of doing some damage... overall, I say not a bad day.
My heel is killing me. I think I can safely say the cortizone shot 3 weeks ago worked for about 3 days. I have to call my podiatrist and see what they next step is, since I don't think I can get another shot yet. I've been told that it may not get better since I am not resting it... but I can't rest it. I have to move. I have to walk, to workout... I can't get out of my habit or it will be that much harder to get back into it.
Granted, the running this weekend was probably excessive.
I have to find a happy medium. This may mean more spinning classes. Ugh.
Feeling a little down today, back is aching... I know what all these things are leading to. But I don't use "that time" as an excuse to sit on the couch and pig out on junk. I'd LIKE to, but come on, where would I be if one full week per month I did that? I'd still be at 365 lbs.
My Damsels in De-Stress Weight Loss Challenge group is doing wonderfully. Everyone is losing inches, and gaining lots of knowledge and insight into themselves, their weight, and their bodies. It's fantastic, and it feels so good to lead this awesome group of women. One more sign that this is what I want to be doing with my life. Motivating, inspiring and guiding people to their best, most fit, happiest selves.
No pressure. LOL
I'm doing some reasearch into starting a business. Mostly into the governement aspect of it - paperwork to be filed, etc. Looking into grants and developing my programs/plans. I may have a long way to go for a degree, but I have an awful lot of knowledge I can be passing on along the way. I plan on getting a nutrition certification, and then work on a fitness certification, as I continue working on the degrees. I think both aspects are important. Now, if I could only win the lotto so I could pay for it all... If any of you out there reading this are rich and just looking for some ways to use your money to benefit the community, feel free to grant it to me!! LOL!
Pushing through my mood, and my aches and pains. The weather this morning was gorgeous - like an early fall morning instead of the end of July. So I walked outside longer than usual. Almost 4000 steps already!
ETA: Ended the day with 13,366 steps - thanks to the addition of my spinning class this evening. Successfully removed myself from the kitchen this evening when I was on the verge of doing some damage... overall, I say not a bad day.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Weekend update
Let's begin by saying: The weekends are just not long enough. Ok, moving on.
Now, weekend recap:
Eating was great. I stayed on plan, and ate more veggies, which is a goal of mine.
Exercise: Amazing. Of course, now I am paying for it... but in a good way!
Saturday morning I got up and wet right to a kick-ass bootcamp workout at my favorite Bodyology. The workout was called "Drowning in Sweat". Also known to me as "Get your brain in the game" because SO much of it is mentally telling your body you need to keep moving. It was amazing. I love the looks on the faces of the girls coming in for the next class, because just by looking at our tired asses, they KNOW what they are in for.
Let's see... then, teaching, rehearsal, playing with kids, kids to bed... after a while in the evening, I was feeling antsy. The hubs went out for a walk/run, so I decided to do a "short" 25 minute workout. Felt good, circut style, lots of legs (squats, lunges, dead lifts...) sweated my butt off. Sweet.
So, Sunday morning dawns (way too early in my house - the kids are typically up by 5:30/6:00) and after much debate, we decide to go for a family walk/run. My heel was hurting from the day before, so I thought I would just end up walking with the kids (pushing the stroller, dragging the 4 year old) and let the hubs run... but after my heel stretched out a little, I really wanted to run. So I did. The hubs hung with the kids (which is tough) and let me go. Ended up totaling about 2.8 miles. Not bad at all. I got Thing 1 to keep up with us by "racing" him to the next stop sign, mailbox, whatever... it kept him moving, allowed me to keep running, and got him out of the hubs hair. As a reward for him "winning" all our races, we got him a big beach ball (which was broken by this morning).
The rest of Sunday went quickly, teaching, grocery shopping, cleaning, hosting my Fit-Bottomed Girls meeting... on and on.
This morning... holy CRAP. My legs hurt from hip to heel. They feel better once I am moving a bit. You know that phrase: "If I rest, I rust"? That's kinda how it goes. If I sit for too long, I feel like a little old lady with arthritis. Sheesh!
I still took all my walks today (I'm at 9054 steps currently. Perhaps a little slower than normal, but did them none the less). So, my focus has been devising an upper body/ab workout for this evening...As I was walking I had to chuckle to myself. The old me would never be looking for a way to workout, especially when I was so sore... (of course, the old me would never had worked out to that point, but I digress!)But, you know, that's just the way it is. If you want something, you have to work for it. End of story. If you are saying to yourself "I don't wannnaaa" or "I'm tooo tiiiirred" you are just making excuses and keeping yourself trapped by your IFG (Inner Fat Girl). My IFG tells me that crap all the time. So I shut her up with a little "Drowning in Sweat".
I am in charge.
Now, weekend recap:
Eating was great. I stayed on plan, and ate more veggies, which is a goal of mine.
Exercise: Amazing. Of course, now I am paying for it... but in a good way!
Saturday morning I got up and wet right to a kick-ass bootcamp workout at my favorite Bodyology. The workout was called "Drowning in Sweat". Also known to me as "Get your brain in the game" because SO much of it is mentally telling your body you need to keep moving. It was amazing. I love the looks on the faces of the girls coming in for the next class, because just by looking at our tired asses, they KNOW what they are in for.
Let's see... then, teaching, rehearsal, playing with kids, kids to bed... after a while in the evening, I was feeling antsy. The hubs went out for a walk/run, so I decided to do a "short" 25 minute workout. Felt good, circut style, lots of legs (squats, lunges, dead lifts...) sweated my butt off. Sweet.
So, Sunday morning dawns (way too early in my house - the kids are typically up by 5:30/6:00) and after much debate, we decide to go for a family walk/run. My heel was hurting from the day before, so I thought I would just end up walking with the kids (pushing the stroller, dragging the 4 year old) and let the hubs run... but after my heel stretched out a little, I really wanted to run. So I did. The hubs hung with the kids (which is tough) and let me go. Ended up totaling about 2.8 miles. Not bad at all. I got Thing 1 to keep up with us by "racing" him to the next stop sign, mailbox, whatever... it kept him moving, allowed me to keep running, and got him out of the hubs hair. As a reward for him "winning" all our races, we got him a big beach ball (which was broken by this morning).
The rest of Sunday went quickly, teaching, grocery shopping, cleaning, hosting my Fit-Bottomed Girls meeting... on and on.
This morning... holy CRAP. My legs hurt from hip to heel. They feel better once I am moving a bit. You know that phrase: "If I rest, I rust"? That's kinda how it goes. If I sit for too long, I feel like a little old lady with arthritis. Sheesh!
I still took all my walks today (I'm at 9054 steps currently. Perhaps a little slower than normal, but did them none the less). So, my focus has been devising an upper body/ab workout for this evening...As I was walking I had to chuckle to myself. The old me would never be looking for a way to workout, especially when I was so sore... (of course, the old me would never had worked out to that point, but I digress!)But, you know, that's just the way it is. If you want something, you have to work for it. End of story. If you are saying to yourself "I don't wannnaaa" or "I'm tooo tiiiirred" you are just making excuses and keeping yourself trapped by your IFG (Inner Fat Girl). My IFG tells me that crap all the time. So I shut her up with a little "Drowning in Sweat".
I am in charge.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
more changes (I know, can you STAND it??)
As you have all read - I have been thinking a lot about changes lately. AS I went for my lunch time walk, it occured to me how many non-physical changes have come along with my shrinking (fat) and building (muscle) body.
The first I was contemplating was my overall health. A month before my surgery (May, 2008) I went with my (then) little one and my mother out to Seattle to visit my amazing brother, his awesome wife and their gorgeous incredibly smart (second only to my children) son, Jack. Now, when little kids get together, of course, they are going to get sick. And they did. They both got colds, and slowly but surely, each adult came down with it too. When I got it, however, I REALLY got it... I mean, down-for-the-count, sleeping all day, hard time breathing, everything hurt kinda sick. All the other adults got sick, and they were done in a day... me, ugh... At that time, I knew I was the sickest person because I was 365 lbs and my body was work hard just to survive.
Recently, both of my kids came down with a wicked chest cold. My mother in law had an upper respiratory infection, the hubs was hacking up a lung.
I never got sick (of course, now that I am talking about it, I will! LOL)
Now, perhaps these two examples don't have any coorelations. Perhaps I was very unlucky that summer in 2008, and very lucky just recently. I don't know. But I truly feel as though my health and strength have a lot to do with being able to avoid illness.
Another thing I am so impressed with is my resting heart rate. To check your reasting heart rate, find your pulse after you've been relaxing for at least 5-10 minutes, or first thing in the morning. Watch a stop-watch or a clock and count the beat of your pulse for 30 seconds. Multiple that number by 2 and that is your resting heart rate. Then, check out a site like this to find where yours falls.
My resting heart rate is consistantly in the low 50's. By the chart, it's listed at "athletic"... lol, now, I don't think of myself as an athlete, but I am very proud of this! I have no comparison, because I have no idea what my resting heart rate was when I was morbidly obese... but I am SURE it wasn't anywhere NEAR athletic!
These are the things I need to remind myself when I step on the scale and it doesn't say what I want it to, or when I look in the mirror and only see my IFG (Inner Fat Girl)... things have changed in many, many ways....
The first I was contemplating was my overall health. A month before my surgery (May, 2008) I went with my (then) little one and my mother out to Seattle to visit my amazing brother, his awesome wife and their gorgeous incredibly smart (second only to my children) son, Jack. Now, when little kids get together, of course, they are going to get sick. And they did. They both got colds, and slowly but surely, each adult came down with it too. When I got it, however, I REALLY got it... I mean, down-for-the-count, sleeping all day, hard time breathing, everything hurt kinda sick. All the other adults got sick, and they were done in a day... me, ugh... At that time, I knew I was the sickest person because I was 365 lbs and my body was work hard just to survive.
Recently, both of my kids came down with a wicked chest cold. My mother in law had an upper respiratory infection, the hubs was hacking up a lung.
I never got sick (of course, now that I am talking about it, I will! LOL)
Now, perhaps these two examples don't have any coorelations. Perhaps I was very unlucky that summer in 2008, and very lucky just recently. I don't know. But I truly feel as though my health and strength have a lot to do with being able to avoid illness.
Another thing I am so impressed with is my resting heart rate. To check your reasting heart rate, find your pulse after you've been relaxing for at least 5-10 minutes, or first thing in the morning. Watch a stop-watch or a clock and count the beat of your pulse for 30 seconds. Multiple that number by 2 and that is your resting heart rate. Then, check out a site like this to find where yours falls.
My resting heart rate is consistantly in the low 50's. By the chart, it's listed at "athletic"... lol, now, I don't think of myself as an athlete, but I am very proud of this! I have no comparison, because I have no idea what my resting heart rate was when I was morbidly obese... but I am SURE it wasn't anywhere NEAR athletic!
These are the things I need to remind myself when I step on the scale and it doesn't say what I want it to, or when I look in the mirror and only see my IFG (Inner Fat Girl)... things have changed in many, many ways....
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Realizations, and putting dreams to bed
"Realizations can be hard, heartbreaking even. But if it's your truth, you must pursue it with strength and courage" - Me.
These realizations have been welling up in me for a while, but I have been afraid to acknowledge them. Afraid to put old dreams to bed.
I can talk about health, fitness, weightloss and all the metal and emotional baggage that goes along with it for HOURS. DAYS probably. I never tire of researching, learning, helping, teaching and talking about it.
At first, I thought this was merely because it was a "new" passion. We always get all gung-ho about something new, right?
So, then, I think about music. About singing. I started taking voice lessons at 10 years old. And I always "wanted" to be a singer. As I moved on through my musical education, of course I had a passion for it, or I never would have made it! However, I didn't eat, sleep and breath it. I forced myself to practice, and only when I had to. When I wasn't singing, I didn't spend hours talking about it. I only listened to opera a little, and tended to listen to other styles of music.
4 years in college (ok, 5, but who's counting) and then 2 in grad school. I loved to perform, but besides that, the lifestyle wasn't there. I didn't pour over scores, learn roles I wasn't currently performing, practice whenever I had a free moment... When I came to the realization that a performance career wasn't my fate I felt so lost - because it was all I had ever known. I started teaching, and I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) helping people. Notice I said helping people - and music was all I knew, so the two married together well. I never felt like a great voice teacher. I can't play piano to accompany my students and it ALWAYS bothers me. I felt a bit, well, like a fraud.
So, what am I getting at here? My realization is that I don't love teaching voice**. I don't love performing like I once did. You have no idea how difficult this is to put out there. But, it's in my heart. I am crying while I type. I spent so much time, energy, money on something that never happened, and that now, I'm finding little joy in.
(** yes, this is a disclaimer to any of my students who may be reading this. I love you all. I am not leaving you. I WANT to keep working with you and you are all still a priority to me!)
Why am I putting this out there for the world to see? Because I am changing. And it is hard and sad and sucky. I feel like I am letting a world of people down, and THAT is the hardest part. But change happens. I have been fighting it for a long time now, and I can't anymore. My shrinking body and my more focused and determined mind won't let lies prevail... they are pushing out all the old dreams, to make way for new ones.
Yes, I am grateful that I have new dreams. I mean, if I came to these realizations and didn't have a dream to cling to... I don't even know where I would be. But I do. I have my new goals and dreams. But they are scary. The doubts constantly popping up "how are you going to do this?" "You don't know the FIRST thing about running a real business!" "You are NOT smart enough for this!"...
Oh that inner critic is a real bitch.
This post doesn't really have an ending... I guess it's more of a beginning.
These realizations have been welling up in me for a while, but I have been afraid to acknowledge them. Afraid to put old dreams to bed.
I can talk about health, fitness, weightloss and all the metal and emotional baggage that goes along with it for HOURS. DAYS probably. I never tire of researching, learning, helping, teaching and talking about it.
At first, I thought this was merely because it was a "new" passion. We always get all gung-ho about something new, right?
So, then, I think about music. About singing. I started taking voice lessons at 10 years old. And I always "wanted" to be a singer. As I moved on through my musical education, of course I had a passion for it, or I never would have made it! However, I didn't eat, sleep and breath it. I forced myself to practice, and only when I had to. When I wasn't singing, I didn't spend hours talking about it. I only listened to opera a little, and tended to listen to other styles of music.
4 years in college (ok, 5, but who's counting) and then 2 in grad school. I loved to perform, but besides that, the lifestyle wasn't there. I didn't pour over scores, learn roles I wasn't currently performing, practice whenever I had a free moment... When I came to the realization that a performance career wasn't my fate I felt so lost - because it was all I had ever known. I started teaching, and I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) helping people. Notice I said helping people - and music was all I knew, so the two married together well. I never felt like a great voice teacher. I can't play piano to accompany my students and it ALWAYS bothers me. I felt a bit, well, like a fraud.
So, what am I getting at here? My realization is that I don't love teaching voice**. I don't love performing like I once did. You have no idea how difficult this is to put out there. But, it's in my heart. I am crying while I type. I spent so much time, energy, money on something that never happened, and that now, I'm finding little joy in.
(** yes, this is a disclaimer to any of my students who may be reading this. I love you all. I am not leaving you. I WANT to keep working with you and you are all still a priority to me!)
Why am I putting this out there for the world to see? Because I am changing. And it is hard and sad and sucky. I feel like I am letting a world of people down, and THAT is the hardest part. But change happens. I have been fighting it for a long time now, and I can't anymore. My shrinking body and my more focused and determined mind won't let lies prevail... they are pushing out all the old dreams, to make way for new ones.
Yes, I am grateful that I have new dreams. I mean, if I came to these realizations and didn't have a dream to cling to... I don't even know where I would be. But I do. I have my new goals and dreams. But they are scary. The doubts constantly popping up "how are you going to do this?" "You don't know the FIRST thing about running a real business!" "You are NOT smart enough for this!"...
Oh that inner critic is a real bitch.
This post doesn't really have an ending... I guess it's more of a beginning.
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