Dreams, cravings, binges, wants, needs, oh my!

I'm really striving to listen to my body today. Only eat when I am hungry.

Cravings have been RAVENOUS.

I don't think it helped that I had a dream last night that I binged on Cadbury crème eggs. When I woke up, it was so vivid, I really had to sit for a minute and evaluate if I had really done it.

I didn't... damn... I don't think...

No, no... I didn't.

I just plowed through a snack and a half and I am taking a breath before I keep going and sabotage myself. Snack and a half was 3/4 cup celery sticks with 2 tbs natural peanut butter, 2 oz 75% reduced fat cheese.

Now, I have a Larabar sitting in front of me.

These are NOT bad choices. However, I'm really not physically hungry...

I don't think I am...

No, no I'm not.

I just want something. But what?

OH! I KNOW! Let's play "Analyze My Brain"

What could be leading me into cravings-central:
It's the middle of the afternoon (snacky time, sleepy time)
I am practically alone in the office (no witnesses).
I have work to do but little motivation.
Stressed about getting my run in tonight (I won't be out of class till 8 - Gym, here I come).
Stressed about inclement weather making it's way over, which will likely cause headaches tomorrow with the minions and the school/daycare closing.
Stressed about an exam on Wednesday evening (which is the only good reason for inclement weather - could cancel MY school!)

Ok, taking all of these things into account... what do I really want?

What I want is... crap. I'm no good at this.

I want to be home doing my run.
I want to be home hanging with my family.
I want to be away from this desk, so the thought of scarfing something down just because I am sedentary becomes a mute point.
I want to find some calming of these cravings by doing things like writing this blog post.

And I already have... I put the Larabar away (perfect for before I hit the gym later). I look at what I really want, as opposed to what is actually occurring. And while I can't leave work and go home and run, or hang with my kids right now, etc, deconstructing what I want, and then being able to see the correlation between the things I want "NOW" (Temporarily) and the things I want in the future (Permanently) For example:

-I want to finish my education so I can have the job I really want, therefore, for now, my extra time will be occupied by school.

I have to remember that the whiney "wants" of now are fleeting. I will get my run done tonight. I will get home to my family, all while working toward something great.

Writing this helped me pass on eating anything else I am not hungry for. Cravings are difficult, but they are almost ALWAYS fleeting. If I can abstain for a little while, I can usually beat them. Once I leave here and make my drive to class, and sit through class and stop at the gym... well, it will be hours from now, and I will not have "needed" to eat a thing. I contend that a busy mind is your friend when it comes to cravings. An idle mind... well... a whole different story.

This post may seem tangent-y. Sorry about that. BUT, "it's my bloggy and I'll tangent if I want to" - go ahead, sing it, you know you want to...

I'll be back - I have another tangent on the governments and Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics idea of a "good" "healthy" diet... that'll be a doozy...

A little news...

Whew - what a weekend. I can't wait until weekends feel more like a little break, rather than feeling like I have to come back to work to rest! LOL

Weekend was great, eating and exercise went very well. The weekend always makes me a tad nervous, because there is so much opportunity for eating poorly. I mean, that's what weekends were ABOUT for a long time. Where should we go to eat? The activities we enjoyed were centered on what restaurants were in the area.

Of course, that was also pre- two-kids-who-don’t-wanna-sit-still-in-any-restaurant. Probably lucky for us!

SO, I have a 5K coming up on Sunday. It's my first one since LAST March, when I ran/walked a 5K with bronchitis (in my defense, I didn't KNOW it was bronchitis at the time) and got pneumonia out of it. Hmph. I feel MORE prepared to run this one, but not totally confident I can run the whole thing (as in, without walk breaks). I have been training on rolling hills, and I think that will help, since this is totally flat. It should feel a bit easier.

Yesterday, while running, I could actually feel what people mean by "establishing your pace". As a mostly non-runner, I never really understood what that felt like. However, I think I felt my "pace" and it felt comfortable! I mean, comfortable, running? WHA?? I never thought that would happen! Running = pain, right?? Well, some of it did yesterday (especially the damn hills...) but much better than I have felt before while running. So, this race makes me a tad nervous, because I want to run the WHOLE thing. Of course I will finish - no brainer - but running the whole things is the ultimate goal. I would be ELATED.

My training (as any good little C25K-er) has consisted of running and walking intermittently. So far, I have run for 5 minutes at a time, with a walk of 2 minutes in between. Another thing I have noticed while doing this: I recover MUCH faster than I used to. As soon as I stop running, my heart rate drops significantly, and seems to be almost normal only a minute or so into the walk. This is great and speaks well to my physical conditioning. Makes me happy.

I know running at 5 minutes at a time seems ridiculous to runners, but I feel good about it. I know I could push myself for longer, but I have been following my program. Even when I was sorta-kinda training myself last year, I would only run for a song length, 3-4 minutes max. I am improving.
Isn’t that the point?

The hubs is running with me, but has not been able to train quite the way I have. He is very self-conscious about walking on the raceway, and I am trying to calm his fears. I explained there are plenty of walkers in 5K's like these, and we would be in good company... one thing I am a little worried about is that he will really want me to stay with him, and I will really want to try and do my best with this race. I'm feeling very torn about this. We will see what he says.

So, as promised - I have some news. I have officially decided to stop teaching. I informed all of my private students this weekend. Some didn't seem to care all that much, and a few were upset. But, I know this is the right decision for ME. I can't worry about what other people think about me. Only what I think of myself. So, as of the beginning of May (yes, I had to give them some time to find a new teacher!) I will have only ONE job! I'm very relieved and happy. Looking forward to the Spring and Summer when I have more time to devote to my family.

Till next time, soldiers! Keep moving forward!

Saturday update

Just a little check in... Busy, busy day, but ate really well and had a fantastic workout!

Ladies, if you are afraid to lift heavy weights, don't be! Besides being FAB for your body ( muscle burns more calories at REST than fat) it makes you feel BADASS!! Lots of heavy lifting and some tabata thrown in the middle for good measure - mountain climbers, high knees, plank jacks and power jacks. It was exhausting and wonderful.

Food was good. Totally abstinent from sugar, white flour, and processed food (which is made up of mostly sugar and flour!). My only issue was not enough water. My weekends are infamous for at. So much easier at work... I better go drink some right now...

Weighed myself again this morning. I am telling you this because it's an obsessive pattern. I have asked the hubby (in my defense, I asked him to hid it on like, Friday, but he didn't. Yeah, I'm totally passing blame on this one, even though its my own issue. poor hubby!)again to put it away. I will be SURE he does tonight.

Another busy day tomorrow. Church, teaching, grocery store, laundry... Maybe, oh, I don't know, actually spend time with my little tribe??? Shouldn't that be what weekends are about. Well, I have made a decision that is going to enable more of that to occur... Will announce early in the week... I'll just keep you in suspence till then.

Soldier on, my friends! It is worth the fight! YOU are worth the fight!!

Friday, revisited

It's a battle today. A battle I will keep fighting and I will win.
It's one of those days it would be so easy to fall right back into the crap food, into the sugar... so easy to just reach over to the file cabinate across from my desk and take the goodies sitting there. The goodies that everyone is raving about.

"Why don't you just try one? They are SOOOO good"

I have no doubt they are good. But, I'm ok without, thanks.

Draggin ass, people. I'm thinking of my Tuff Girl workout tomorrow, and I'm already tired. So much going on this weekend.

Rehearsal tomorrow afternoon, church Sunday morning, teaching all afternoon... and then the weekend will be *POOF* - gone.

I am going to strive to enjoy the time I have with my tribe this weekend, while also making a little time for myself.

What are YOUR weekend plans??

Snowy Friday

I woke up (at 4:45 AM, mind you - grrrr) to a snowy day. Now, I live in New England, so this doesn't seen like it should be surprising, HOWEVER, it has hardly snowed at all this winter and I was TOTALLY unprepared.

It was a rough morning with the boys. Thing 2 up at 4:45. Tried to get him calm and relaxed so we could rest a little longer. He would NOT have it. He found it fun to butt heads with me - and he has a HARD head! Thus, I have a headache.

Then he peed on me.

It was time to get up.

I wanted to cry.

Wrestled both Thing 1 and 2 into clothing, running around trying to find winter gear - as yesterday it was like, 55 degrees!

Then, who is whining about breakfast, who is whining about what they have to drink, who is whining about what they are wearing... etc, etc

I totally snapped.

Snapping can only end badly, people. As in, with Thing 1 and I both in tears, Thing 2 looking on clueless (he IS only 18 months, after all) and the hubs storming out of the house to clean off the cars.

Breathe in...Breathe out...

Everyone was pretty quiet the rest of the time getting ready to head out the door. This was a blessing, for sure.

By the time we were slowly making our way down snowy roads toward the boys school, I was much clamer, and regretting my outburst, for sure. I appoligized to Josh - "Baby, I'm sorry I got so frustrated"...

"That's ok Mama, everyone gets frustrated sometimes. And I'm sorry I yelled at you."...

I mean, this kid is not even 5 yet... he is wise beyond me.

I really DO have amazing kids.

After dropping the minions off at school/daycare, I almost got demolished by a plow - who was coming the WRONG way down a VERY small ONE WAY road. THEN, he forced me to back up so he could floor it around me.

I think I saw at least SOME of my life flash in front of me.

After this - doesn't a nice, hot, sweet cup of mocha goodness sound like the perfect remedy?

Yeah, it sounded like that to me too. For about a second.

Then, I came to my senses. And I broke it down:

What do I REALLY need right now?

Well, I am stressed, tired, cold, frustrated and hungry.

Woh. Ok, lots going on here. First breathe deeply a few times.

OK, now. Tired, cold and even hungry to an extent - can be helped by a nice cup of tea. Sugar and chocolate need not have any part of that equation. I felt this was a good choice/decision. I was a little nervous pulling into Starbucks to order a tea - I hoped "Venti Mocha with extra whip" didn't pop out of my mind while I was THINKING "Grande chai tea with skim milk and 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla"

No worries. It didn't. I had a split second thought about chocolate cookies they have there. Thus, the drive-through was a great option. Out of sight, out of mind (well, mostly)

I proceeded to work without additional incident, and treated myself to parking across the street from my office - as my normal 15 minute walk would be doubled with all the snow. While usually I don't mind, I needed a break.

The tea was a fabulous choice. Perfect for what I needed. Got into work, had breakfast.

Addiction - zero.
Me - One.

Score.

Hooray! I'm back!

Ok, I don't know why, but blogger wouldn't load on my work computer... it would only let me do a title (as seen in my last post)

I will NOT be silenced! HA!

I will start by saying that if anyone doesn't want to read about a compulsive overeater and sugar addict in recovery - please feel free to stop following this blog. I certainly won't be offended.

Because THIS GIRL has found the LIGHT!

I feel like I have had a re-birth (ok, come on, you all know I am a little dramatic, but for REAL). I feel SO good. It's NOT easy to abstain from all sugar and processed flour. It's in a LOT of everyday crap food. I've gone without it before, and it may last for a while. Then I start thinking "no way, I have this beat. I can have a little and be fine". Now it is different, because I simply have to accept that NO, I can NOT just have a little. This drug overtakes me. It cannot be a part of my sane life.

There are other things that may come into question (maybe cheese? Maybe sugar free items?). I am ok with this. Whatever it takes for me to be in a place of peace with food, I will do it.

What I have realized is that without the emotional/spiritual/mental support, it simply will not be a lasting situation. I have a support system now of people who truly understand what it is like to be swallowed up by addiction. To feel desperate and empty, and try to fill that feeling with food.

I feel so...free.

The plan I outlined previously still stands. I am not eating any sugar or processed white flour.

I am weighing and measuring everything I put on my plate. Every. last. thing. Veggies. Fruits. Even things that are very low calorie, like salsa. Even things that have no calories, like hot sauce. It's not just about the calories, it's about accountability and responsibility. I am portioning out a serving of the things I am eating.

I am eating slowly and mindfully, instead of eating while doing other things.

I am ONLY EATING WHEN I AM HUNGRY. This is NOT something I would promote for everyone to do. Studies have shown that for weight loss, it's best to eat small amounts every 3-4 hours. Eating only when I am hungry is not about the weight loss aspect. It's about me getting in touch with what my body needs, WHEN it needs it. It's done so that I'm not eating mindlessly, and consequentially, eating more in a day than is needed.

This has been going well. Last night, I got home from class and I really just felt like exercising... I did not feel hungry, even though I had not eaten in almost 6 hours. I did a short, intense workout (about 25 min) and after, I was ready to eat! I started with something balanced in nutrition, and small in size. It was just enough.

I am writing down everything I eat, and I am keeping a loose mental tally of calories, so that things don't get out of control. I am not logging in a calorie tracker. I will resume that when I get a little more comfortable about recovery... it messes with my brain a little.

I am eating whole, nutritious foods I cook myself. Lean meats, fruit, veggies, good fats, dairy, beans, whole grain starches. Again, it's not for the weight loss factor. These foods are good for my body. These foods do not drive me to distraction. I do not obsess about these foods. I have never binged on veggies, or beans, etc... and I am SURE my husband is thankful about that!

I stated before I would not weigh in until March 16th. I will do that, but curiosity got the best of me this morning, and I weighed in. I have lost weight. If you are interested, you can check out my weight loss ticker. I'm not surprised I lost, but I am surprised at where I am, taking into account my week long sugar "situation". I'm going to ask the hubs to put the scale away for me until my weigh in day, March 16th.

Maybe I will celebrate that weigh-in with a beer the next day!

LOL. SOOO Kidding!

So, that is all right now my friends. I know it will not always feel this good. It will NOT always be easy. But I am loving the rainbow I am riding right now, so I will take it. When times are tough, I know I have the support to help me through - with ME taking the reins, and being responsible for my OWN actions.

Blogger is being grumpy...won't load! Can't post! Grrr!