Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Shaping - a babbling blog

We have all been shaped by many things. Our past, especially. I think about all the things that have gotten me where I am. What moved me into this new career? Not just a decision a few months ago, but years of experiences that culminated in a vision.
As I look back on these experiences, I hate to say, many are unpleasant. From the rejection I suffered as a person, a woman, a singer because of my weight, to the ridicule and disgust from doctors, colleagues and society at large. From the boyfriend I was never quite good enough for (no matter what I did or how much I tried to change myself), to the girl in high school who "didn't like fat people". All of this pushed and pulled me into different directions.
But, there are reasons for everything - I have to believe that.
I had to grow into the person that was good enough for ME. My husband was a key factor in helping me do that. He truly loved me regardless of my physical, mental or psychological state - boy, he has dealt with me a TON (no pun intended)- but his love has helped me love myself.
My family has also been another key factor - loving me and encouraging me through my tough times, and always routing for me to succeed. I think when I decided not to perform anymore, knowing there was something else out there for me, it was the most hard to tell them. My mom had always done so much to keep me going - lessons, auditions, dresses, encouragement... I didn't want her to think it was all for naught - and now that I see where my life is leading me, I know she is proud of the changes I am making.
Sometimes I look at my colleagues who are still out there, pounding the pavement, getting that next audition, waiting, hoping, working, dreaming. Some making it, some not, and I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck with the whole audition circus (yes, I mean circus) But I just can't imagine it. It would probably mean no hubby, it would certainly mean no kids - and while I only mildly entertain that exceptional thought at 2am when I'm dragging my ass out of bed, I wouldn't give up my gorgeous kids for the lonely road, or living in the city.
My life is changing so much. It's so different than I thought it would be. In the midst of transition, I can only keep hoping this is the right path to take - I have to trust myself. Yeah... I'm not used to that yet.

1 comment:

  1. oh Kel I am so proud of you and you are a complete inspiration to all to have faith in ourselves - you have more strength then I could ever hope to have - I love you