I got a new attitude...

Good morning, peeps!

First, I have to say that I think it's hilarious that I lost 2 followers after blogging last week about my struggles. I guess as soon as you start having a hard time, people aren't interested. I personally only drop people when they don't blog for a super, super long time, or if they are posting things I find offensive.

Maybe struggling is offensive to some people? Eh, I don't know.

I also want to thank everyone who sent up a prayer for my nephew and his family. He is doing ok. He's getting help.

Back to the subject at hand.

SO, I have said before that I am an addict and I'm in a step program. Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and writing and talk to my HP. I am in a much better mindset now.

I need progress, not perfection.

Striving for perfection, and seeing in only black and white has only made me fall and fail. Not just fall, but move BACKWARDS.

I AM NOT PERFECT
I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT
THIS IS OK!!

Right now, it's OK for me to "try" hard. I know, I know "Do or Do not, there is no try" (Thanks Yoda). But
for me, right now, every moment I will be trying to make the absolute best decisions I can.

This mornings best decision was to bypass Starbucks.

So, here is the menu:
Click protein coffee
2 morningstar veggie sausages, 2 tbs natural PB
2 oz 75% reduced fat cheese, 1 large banana
large salad, lots of chopped veggies, 1 oz almonds, 2 tbs craisins, 2 tbs homemade dressing, banana peppers, green olives
click protein coffee (if I need it)
Dinner still up in the air. Maybe some whole wheat pasta with home made sauce. Or a sweet potato with mexican spiced ground chicken breast.

My emotional and mental focus today is giving it all up to God. He showed me he is here for me and he is listening to my seemingly insignificant problems. He is my Srength and my Peace. Only He can take this obsession away from me. I need to do my footwork, but He removes my turmoil.

I am foot-working it by making my absolute best decisions I can for what to put in my body.

I have clothing goals for the end of the summer. Not scale goals. I have 2 pairs of pants. One fit me, but not very well. The button, but are quite tight. The other barely comes over my butt. By the end of the summer, I want the first pair to be on the loose side, and the second to fit. I can't wait.

That's all for now. Work, work, work, school, school, school.... busy day

The big break

Struggling through these few days
Who am I kidding. I'm just plain struggling.
With eating, especially.
I am diving headfirst into the temporary comfort the food can bring.
I am choosing to ignore the consequences.
I simply can't do anymore... anymore scheduling, running, making, finding, worrying, stressing, crying, screaming...
remembering.
wishing.
wondering.
caring.
doing.
Something was going to break, and it ended up being my food.
I'm still exercising, and using it as a form of stress relief.
But my emotional eating has gotten a hold of me.
I will keep trying to get out of the grip.
But I am telling it like it is right now.

A while ago I talked about how things were going to change, and it was exciting and I couldn't wait. I didn't want to say too much about it, because it wasn't a sure thing. Well, a few months ago, the hubs and I decided we wanted to move to Seattle to be near my brother and his family, and to start over in a more health conscious area, with great youth programs.

We met with a real estate agent, who sadly told us that our codo could sell... for about $30,000 less than we owed on it. Obviously, not happening. So, we began to do some DIY cosmetic stuff. Well, it's not going to matter. The market will probably take years to recover.

In other words, my dream of moving has been completely dashed. We aren't going anywhere. We can't even move locally, never mind out of state!

It's been a big dissapointment to me. I haven't talked with my brother, because I feel like I have to tell him it's never going to happen, and I don't want to tell him that.

Well... anyway... I'm sure things will start to look up when the stress of these last few weeks of school is over... right?
Right?
Please, let that be right...
Feeling broken - I'm out.

Loss and Expectations

I knew this would be a busy, hectic day.

I knew this would be a difficult day.

2 years ago today we got the call that my cousin, this sweet, loving, amazing, young man was gone.
I could recount every detail of that night. How I was correcting tests when the phone rang. How I was pregnant with my Thing 2. How I felt like my legs gave out underneith me when my mother choked out the words. How the first thing  thought was that it must have been a car accident. How my Mima sat on the couch at my aunt's house and truly did not understand what could have happened. How I just kept thinking there was NO WAY this wasy true. NO WAY he could have done this to himself.

I went so far as to say maybe it really WAS a mistake - did they find someone else hanging in my cousins closet? Maybe it wasn't really him. I spent DAYS thinking this.

But it was him.

I knew today would be difficult.

I expected it.

What I did NOT expect was to get a call that my 13 year old nephew, who has been the subject of bullying in school, attempted suicide this morning.

What can I even say about this?

He is ok. He stopped himself. He is getting help.

All I can say is pray for him. Pray for his mother and father, who could have lost their only baby boy today. Pray for your families and children. Hold those children extra tight tonight and tell them you love them more than anything else in this world. I know that's what I will be doing.

Weekend Warrior - long

Yes, that's right. I am a warrior.

Well, I prefer warrior princess, but regardless.

I conqured what I anticipated to be a horrible weekend of exercise. I was SO not into it on Friday. Not looking forward to one little iota. But it all changed.

Saturday morning I went to "Iron (Wo)Man" at Tuff Girl. You may remember this was the format I cried at the last time I did it. It's very different than the Tabata style work-your-hardest-for-40-seconds-and-rest-for-20-seconds workout. It's all about the reps. I'll give you an example.

The strength section was Romanian DeadLifts (65lbs), Exploding shoulder presses (25lbs), and Goblet squats (35lbs). In total, we did 44 of each, in a step-ladder format. This needed to be accomplished in 10 minutes. Then you move on to cardio.
Cardio was 25 each of Jam Ball Slams(20lb), ball climbers (mountain climbers with your hands on the medicine ball instead of the floor) and half-burpees. 25 of each - repeated 3 times, for a total of 75. THEN, you move on to TRX. Do it in 10 minutes
TRX was 25 each of Y-Flies (or rows), pushups, and bridges. Repeat twice for a total of 50 each. Do it in 10 minutes.

It. was. ridiculous.

I fell a little short on my reps. In stregnth, I was about 10  goblet squat reps shy of the end. In cardio, I completed 2 of the 3 rounds, and I finished the TRX just after the timer.

I don't care. At least I didn't cry!

I was already hurting later on Saturday. I took an Epsome Salt bath (super hot) that night, and I could tell it helped, because I was able to get up out of bed the next morning without wanting to die. This is a very good thing, because I had a 5K to run.

My friend and I signed up to do this 5K "Run for the Music"to benefit The New Haven Symphony Orchestra. I was not excited about it, because, although I have been working out, I have NOT been running. So, I just got it into my head that there would not be a PR, and I would just do what I could do.

Well, we started off great. However, my friend started having an asthma attack in the first mile! We walked around the course to get her to the paramedics, (who gave her albuterol and she felt better). I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her. I was hoping she would tell me to go, because I was NOT about to have a DFN. She told me to go, so I took off. It had taken us about 15 mins in that first mile, so I had a lot of ground to cover. I felt good about my pace, and careful to watch where the course was going... and then I saw it... the big hill. It was a very long, slow hill. I just kept saying "it has to end soon!"... well, not soon enough. I ended up walking up about half of it. But then I got to run down it! So that was cool!

All through the race I had noticed this woman in front of my. She was a slower runner, like me. She was always within a block ahead. Well, with about .75 to go, I decided I wanted to beat her. So, I dug down picked up my pace. Soon enough I was going past her. I ran a little more and had to walk for a moment. I could see the finish line ahead. As I walked for a moment, Ms. Number 10 came up next to me. She looked at me and smiled - "We are almost there!" I smiled and started running again. We crossed the finish line together.

So, no, I did NOT have a PR. I ended at 40:36. I am not dissapointed. I am just proud I did it, and really proud I finished it.

I am suffering today, even after another Epsome Salt bath last night. I don't care. I am a f*cking rock-star.
Ate a few too many not-on-the-menu things yesterday, so I am back to ultra clean today. Phasing out the artificial sweetener. Never thought I would see the day. I'm trying it for a week. You can do anything for a week, right?

That's all I have for now. Exam tonight - the semester is SO close to being over. I can't wait!

I was going to post - but I really, really HATE the new Blogger.
HATE
HATE.

Doing... well, crappy, I guess. If I really want to be honest. Eating crappy. Working out like a mad woman.

Tomorrow mornings workout is called Iron (Wo)Man. This is the one I cried at about a month ago.

Awesome. Can't freakin' wait.

Sunday I am running a 5K in the AM. It's going to be dreadful. Not ready at all. I've been exercising a bunch. but not running enough.

I'm snarky and sarcastic today, so I am going to save you from me.

What do YOU think of the new Blogger set up?

Night, peeps...

164, and other numbers

I have been procrastinating big time on blogging. I don't know why... I just haven't been into it. But, here I am. Just a like e good workout, I know I will feel better once I do it.

Speaking of workouts, I have re-started TurboFire. I started on Sunday. Today is my "rest day", even though it was supposed to be yesterday. I have to tweaking the scheduling of the program a little, because of my schedule for the next few weeks. I like it a lot, and even though it's all cardio, the kickboxing moves really work my upper body. My shoulders have been killing me! I am still working it at Tuff Girl on Saturday mornings, and still very excited to start 2 days a week near the beginning of May. I feel like between the 2 studios, I will be ready in September.
This past Saturday we did a Mud -Run specific workout at Tuff Girl. It was amazing. The one thing I was super worried about - rope pulls - I did in FABULOUS fashion! The ropes were tied to the top of the TRX. You lay down on your back underneath the rope and, with your feet planted on the ground, you use your arms to pull yourself to standing, and then lower yourself back down (Which was definitely harder!). Boy, did I hurt after this workout, but I was SO proud.
This coming Saturday is the Iron (Wo)Man workout. This is the one I cried at last time. I am a little scared. Ok, a lot scared. But, I will be there.
Alright, enough procrastinating. Eating has not been great. It hasn't been TERRIBLE... but not great. But, I keep trudging along. I am starving, starving today. Packed good food, but I've already eaten it all and I have class till 8. Damn. Not even sure what is on the docket for dinner. The worst thing you can do is be hungry, on the verge of eating crap, and walk into your house with NO concept of what to have...  *sigh*

Here are some random numbers for you:
2 - Dietetic classes left for the semester
3 - Bio labs left for the semester
4 - days in a row I have exercised
5 - Biology classes left in the semester - 2 tests will be given within those 5 classes. W.T.F.
164 - Days till my Rugged Maniac
40 - number of pounds I can goblet squat
3 - number of assistance bands I need to even come CLOSE to a pull up... haven't actually done one yet.
30 - number of pounds I still want to lose before being evaluated for plastic surgery.

Speaking of surgery... Thing 1 asked me the other night while we were rocking before putting him to bed - "Why do your arms have these hangy things?" (while he squishes my hanging skin - yuck) I told him my arms were just that way, and changed the subject. They are seriously so gross. My stomach, hips, legs... everything just covered in hanging skin. I will never look like those fantastically fit chicks I look up to, because even if my muscles are SWEET, you will never see them....

Ok, this is full of randomness, so I am going to sign off now...

169, and Happy Birthday

My son, Thing 1, is 5 years old today.

I can't believe how fast the time has gone.

In a way, I have him to thank for my surgery and losing 165(ish) lbs.

After I had him, I had post partem depression. I was out of work, I was home with a baby I felt I didn't know how to care for, I was depressed, and I ate. A lot.

But then, when I started realizing that I was already having trouble carrying him up the stairs, and he was only around 8 months old. It scared me. I was 365 lbs, and I was not going to survive to see this baby grow up.

So, my decision to have surgery was heavily influenced by this little baby.

And now, he's 5 years old. A little man. He has such a big personality - truly his own person!

I love him more than life itself.

Happy, Happy Birthday to my little honey.

I got up this morning SO excited to sing him Happy Birthday, and I couldn't wait for him to get up, becasue I just KNEW he would be a bundle of joy.

I was SO wrong.

He got up on the wrong side of the bed. "I don't wanna go to school, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna wait till afternoon snack to have my birthday cupcakes, no,no,no,no..." it went on and on. It didn't take long till I was in tears. This is a typical 5 year old way to behave, and it's not anything new for Josh, of course, but I was devistated. Why?

I thought about it a lot on my long, traffic filled drive to work. It's because I was projecting. Let me explain.

Normal readers might remember that last Saturday was my birthday. Last Saturday was also our crazy-trip-extravaganza-Thing-1-Birthday-Present day. The next day was Easter. My birthday got really, really lost in all that shuffle. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I was sad. I pushed it off, because we were celebrating Thing One's birthday (the trip was his present). But as the day, and weekend went on, I began to notice just how  lost it was.

My best friend of 34 years forgot. He texted the next day to wish the family a Happy Easter.

My cousins, whom I consider sisters, forgot. Even when I saw them the next day for Easter - no one mentioned it.

I got lots of Facebook love, which was really nice... but not the same.

During the day last Saturday, I checked my facebook page, and mentioned to my hubby "Wow, I have a lot of posts on my facebook wall"

And he said "Why?"

Now, don't get me wrong - he and the kids brought a little gift for me, that I opened at 6:00am on Saturday morning (after getting poked in the eye - "Mama, it's UP time!") But by 6:05am, it was gone. Over. Done.

It all sounds SO selfish when I write it out, but it's how I feel. I think birthdays are so special, and need to be really, truly celebrated. I try to go out of my way for others birthdays.... and I just felt very unimportant.
So, I was projecting all of this anticipation and excitment  (enough for both Thing 1 and I) on Thing 1 this morning, who just happened to wake up cranky. I was not being fair to him either.

As a note, he was totally fine by the time we got to school, his normal happy self. And now the teachers will have to deal with the waiting-for-cupcakes-till-afternoon-is-torture spiel.

That's all I have for now. Processing it all... working on pulling up my big girl panties and getting over it.

171

You guys know I don't do a lot of recipes on here, but when I find one that one of you out there might enjoy, I have to share. I got this one from Mrs. Prevention at her fab website Prevention RD. She posted these Greek Pizzas yesterday, and I tried them last night: The verdict is they are amazing. Super filling, and the hubs is also in love! I used reduced fat mozzarella and reduced fat feta, but that's just me.

I brought a leftover pizza for lunch today. Delish.

Ok, moving on.

Food has been good since Monday. I was really craving hardcore last night, so instead of fighting it, I just went to bed. This morning, seriously lacking caffeine, I was also seriously feigning some not-good-for-me foods. I really had to breathe through it and work it out. I identified the problem (Total exhaustion and lack of coffee!) and I remedied what I could. One moment at a time...

I am going to start keeping track of my workout routines again. I am considering myself "in training" now, and I need to work like it. I have not been able to run, but I did 35 min of kickboxing on Tuesday night, and 40 minutes of interval training last night. Tonight is class, so it's a rest day, and tomorrow after work will be a run. The run is going to SUCK because I have not been on top of it. I'm running a 5K next weekend and it will not be as good as the Shamrock n Roll. But, I will still do it. I briefly thought about not going, but I am going to consider it my workout for that day, and that is all. What will be, will be.



Ok, well, I am very scattered and spacey right now, so I'm gonna sign off and attempt to work.

Later peeps!

172, allergies, priorities

I read a post about a fellow blogger who got food allergy testing done through a naturopath. This is VERY interesting to me. You all know my stinky gas trials and tribulations, and it would be cool to just know the issue and not have to experiment. THEN I saw how PRICEY this test is! WOH! Over $1,000 for the full she-bang. Well, I certainly don't have that kinda money. So, I guess it's back to experimenting for me.

Interesting stuff going on... well, to me anyway: I've stopped the Starbucks (yes, again). It was tough, because those soy "sugar free" mocha's were really good. I have certainly been craving them, but I'm dulling the craving with Click in the morning. The good thing - I am not craving the Click in the afternoon, so one in the AM seems to be doin' me just fine. Since I decreased the dairy, it *seems* my gaseous issues have lessened significantly. I am hoping this is the answer. I had some cheese this afternoon (2 oz) so we will see if this begins to cause it's own trouble. I would hate to give up cheese all together, but if I have to, I will.

Why is it that Day 2 "back on the horse" is more difficult. Well, I have many opinions of why, but regardless of why, it just IS. It's just like the day after a significant stressor. It hits you like a ton of bricks. *sigh* I dunno. It is what it is.

I did a nice, sweaty 35 minutes of kickboxing last night. Score for me. I am going to do another video tonight. I want to be out running, but hubby has that doctors appointment and I will need to be home with the boys. Once they are sleeping soundly, I plan on turning on a little Bob Harper Beginners Weight Loss DVD, which I have said before, and I will say again - is NOT for beginners!

I am actually skipping (gasp) class tonight to have time to grocery shop before the hubs has to leave for his Dr. appointment. I had to decide where my priorities were for the evening - go to class, or go to the store and have fresh, abstinent friendly food for myself and my family for the week. I literally do not have any other time to do it, and if I don't go, I have NO clue what we would have for dinner or to eat tomorrow. So, obviously, my priorities are with my family, and keeping myself food-sane.

So, feeling like I am once again on an up swing. Later peeps!

Grateful...

I felt the need to post again today. Maybe I don't feel like I made it clear in my last post how unbelievably grateful I am for so many things. The time I spent with my tribe this weekend, even through the stress and anxiety, lack of sleep, etc... it was something that can never be measured. It can never be fully described. The joy... beyond this world. I am grateful for that time more than I could ever put into words. There is so much I have. I am so very, very blessed. My husband, my boys, my family, my job, my church, my home... so, so very much. Yes, I am battling an eating disorder, and a food addiction. And it could be a HELL of a lot worse. That is not to say I am not going to fight it - because I am fighting for my life, but that IS to say that I know many people who are a lot worse off. I pray for them. I've been thinking a lot about my hubby. Or rather, I have been concerned about him. We attended a small prayer group at church. One of the women in the choir with us told us about her husband. She lost him at age 49. He went to work one day, had a massive heart attack - and it was all over. She had 4 young children. She kept saying "We had no idea. No idea" My husbands family is ripe with heart issues. His dad had his first (of 2) heart attacks when he was only 37. Hubby has been admitted for chest pain, only to find out it was stress related. He has been put on blood pressure meds - and when the RX was done, he never got it re-filled. Yes, I know what you are going to say. I say it as well... crazy bastard. He is overweight, and has a hard time staying on a healthy eating and exercise plan. I know how hard it is... and it's hard for me to push him too much. But I am super worried. I mean, the blood pressure thing alone - there is a reason they call high blood pressure the "Silent Killer". I don't know how to talk to him about this except to say that I am afraid of losing him. I have told him over and over. He is going to a new primary doctor tomorrow and I have been urging him repeatedly to tell the doctor everything, and NOT to resist if he wants to put him (back) on blood pressure meds. He is SO sure he can do it with lifestyle change - and I think he CAN, but he has NOT yet, and we cannot wait anymore. Well, I just needed to get that out. I'll update on this issue again. In the mean time, if anyone has any suggestions on how to get the love of my life doing what he is supposed to be doing - I am all ears!

173 and 34

173 days, my friends, until I run my Rugged Maniac. 34 years old, as of this past Saturday. I spent that day with my little tribe. My soon-to-be 5 year olds birthday present was a trip to a wonderful toddler size amusement park. He rode every ride possible. The hubs and I rode with him, of course, taking turns walking around with the little one - since rides just aren't his thing. It occurred to me that it wasn't so long ago that I would not have been able to fit on any of those rides. I was able to. Many of them with room to spare. I was able to partake in the joy that my little man exuded as he spun us around till I thought I'd lose my lunch. We laughed, we screeched. We did it again and again. It was pure joy. My eating has not been joyful. Traveling totally got the best of me. I was NOT prepared. This is a choice I made. I could have worked harder to prepare myself. I chose not to. Look, folks. This is life. Shit happens. We fall down. We have to get back up. We lose focus. It's really freakin' hard. But we have to keep doing it again and again. I will keep going. No matter what. Not just for weight loss, but for sanity and health and to see the faces of my little tribe for many, many years. My exercise continues to suffer. I am ready to get moving again. My poor abused body is aching for it. I am going to try my damndest to get in a workout tonight. I'm still recovering from the weekend and serious lack of sleep. I am eating really well today. Here is the menu: 20 oz water, 2 scoops click protein powder. B: 2 morningstar veggie sausage patties, 2 tbs natural pb L: large salad, chopped veggies (spinach, romaine, cucumber, red pepper, tomato, carrots, 1 marinated artichoke heart, 10 green olives, 1 oz almonds, 1/4 cup red kidney beans, 2 tbs less oil Good Seasons dressing S: 1 medium banana, baked kale (sooooo good) Class: 20 oz water, 2 scoops click protein powder D: This is still up in the air.** ** It's up in the air because we were away all weekend and I didn't get to the grocery store! I'm finishing up 70 oz of water, NOT including the water with the protein shake. You might notice this menu is lacking in dairy... ah yes. I'm not ruling it out totally, but the milk in the morning sugar free mocha (besides the fact that it was WAY too freaking expensive!) seems to be the source of my terrible gas. I will likely have some cheese later with dinner, but the amounts over all are cut waaaaay down. I have just purchased another 10 class pass to Tuff Girl (B-Day present from my mommy!) and I have signed myself up through the beginning of June. As soon as May hits - I'm in 2x per week. NO excuses once there is no school in the evening! I can't freakin’ WAIT. Speaking of school... I am SOOOO close to skipping class tonight. *sigh*. I know I just need to go, but I would love to go to the gym instead, and still make it home to put the munchkin to bed. Not gonna happen, I guess. I gotta just go to class... Thank goodness it's the shorter one tonight. After class, it's home for dinner and homework for tomorrow's class. (Yes, just like in high school and college the FIRST time around, I wait till the last minute and drive myself crazy. Hey, at least I have an excise now, I actually have other things that need to be done!) So, yeah. I'm 34. It's practically 40. Ok, I'm joking, but it's hard to look back on another year gone... what did I do with it? Did I make it worth wild? Ok, before I get all nostalgic - I'm out, peeps.

178 and banana peels

You know those old cartoons when the character would drop banana peels on the ground, and another character would inevitably slip and slid around on it - usually causing some huge catastrophe?

That's me right now. Slippin' and a-slidin'.

But, I'm here. I'm writing. I'm trying. I'm DOING.

You may remember I switched my morning skinny mocha (usually made with skim milk) to soy milk in effort to see if dairy may be my stinky culprit. I am very happy to say that since the switch, even with having 2-4 oz of reduced fat cheese daily, I have been relatively stink-free. Woh! Super discovery! So, here I am, happily drinking my skinny soy mocha and thinking I really need to look up the nutrition stats for this.

Knowledge is power, folks.

So, I am on the Starbucks website, and it just won't show me the stats for a skinny mocha with soy - I don't get it!

So, this morning, when stopping for said mocha, I ask the barista - "what kind of soy milk do you guys use?"

"It's Silk, Vanilla Soy"

It slowly begins to sink in... vanilla Hmmm...

So, I go to the Silk website. 8 gms of sugar per cup - a grande (medium) mocha being 16 oz means for the past 3 days, I have been consuming 16 grams of sugar to start off my day. This is why the stats wouldn't show under "skinny mocha" on the Starbucks menu. It's not "skinny" if there is sugar in it.

SHIT.

I am NOT going to place blame anywhere, because I make my own food choices. But I will say that for the past few days, I have had a hell of a time staying on track. Every possible craving feels like it's been magnified. I am certain that this sugary beginning to each of these difficult days has been a big contributing factor. Monday and Tuesday were not stellar eating. I am determined to make this day better.

Obviously, the Soy-faux-skinny-mochas are now crossed off the morning ritual. I needed to do it anyway - I am way too freakin' poor to be getting Starbucks. Can't go back to regular skinny mochas or my husband might kick me out of the house.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that we are taking the tribe to a pint-sized amusement park this weekend. It's to celebrate Thing 1's birthday (he will be 5 next week). I am a little terrified, Neither of these kids have been in the car longer than 1 hour and this drive is 4. It's going to be the ultimate test of patience. However, we can't NOT do things because it might be stressful at times. So, we are plowing into it. We have sacks of activities for them to do on the way there. On the way back, I am hoping they will be exhausted enough to sleep - at least part way.

On the exercise front - I have been sucking. There is no other way to put it. I am exhausted all the time and when I finally get home at night from class or rehearsal, I am too dead to even think about it. I guess the full time job, part time job, school, theater company, church choir and family are finally all catching up to me. I had high hopes when I started the semester I was going to be able to keep up my workout schedule. I have not. I can't wait till the semester is over. 5 weeks! Can I even last that long?? Projects, papers, exams, oh my!

Later, peeps!

180 Days

I realize it's been almost a week since I blogged. There is no specific reason for this, other than I haven't felt as though I have had much to say.

Something has to change. In life. In weight. In food. In... everything. Have you ever had that overwhelming urge to change something? Not just your lunch menu, but your whole life? Yea. I'm right there.

So, what does 180 days mean? It's 180 days till I run the Rugged Maniac 2012 in Southwick, MA. 180 days to get myself in shape to pull myself over walls, trudge through mud-bogged trails, run up hills, down hills, balance while climbing up over stumps, and generally try not to kill myself.

180 days seems like a long time, but in terms of getting strong enough to do this race, it's not. So, this will become my countdown.

I am going to be 34 on Saturday. I do not feel like celebrating this. A year has gone by, and not much change has occurred. I don't know what the hell I have been doing, but it obviously hasn't been much, going by the scale anyway. I am hoping this new fitness goal, continued recovery, and NOT the number on the scale, will be a better marker for the next 6 months.

I don't usually do longer term goals like this. But, frankly, I paid the damn admission fee. I'm on a team (I know, poor them!) so it's going to happen with or without me.

So, gluten update - hmmm... the plot thickens. It does not appear that the lack of gluten has any effect on my tummy problems. I know some die-hard anti-gluten peeps would beg that I try it for a bit longer, but frankly, I really just want to find the culprit of the gas that can clear a room tummy issues. So, I am trying to eliminate most dairy. This morning, I got my Starbucks skinny mocha, but I got it with soy milk instead. Taste wise - impressive. Quite yummy. And, as of 1:53PM, not one sign of any issues. I am not going to count my chickens, however. I am weaning down my cheese consumption, which is a big protein staple for me. It will take at least a few days till I'm off cheese, then I should give it at least a week totally off dairy to see if there is a difference. Blah, blah...

You know the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Well, I wish I had listened to that saying a few weeks ago when I freaked out about my weigh in, and when I freaked out about the gluten. It seems that when I try to "fix" what is already working the way it should, I screw myself up royally. Should I heed this advice re: dairy? I don't know... I have to do something about this unbelievably stinky, I can't believe my husband still sleeps in our bedroom issue. I guess all I can really do is be hyper vigilant about how I am feeling, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and go from there.

Ok, peeps. How are you with long-term goals? Love em? Hate em? Got any?