Friday, April 13, 2012

169, and Happy Birthday

My son, Thing 1, is 5 years old today.

I can't believe how fast the time has gone.

In a way, I have him to thank for my surgery and losing 165(ish) lbs.

After I had him, I had post partem depression. I was out of work, I was home with a baby I felt I didn't know how to care for, I was depressed, and I ate. A lot.

But then, when I started realizing that I was already having trouble carrying him up the stairs, and he was only around 8 months old. It scared me. I was 365 lbs, and I was not going to survive to see this baby grow up.

So, my decision to have surgery was heavily influenced by this little baby.

And now, he's 5 years old. A little man. He has such a big personality - truly his own person!

I love him more than life itself.

Happy, Happy Birthday to my little honey.

I got up this morning SO excited to sing him Happy Birthday, and I couldn't wait for him to get up, becasue I just KNEW he would be a bundle of joy.

I was SO wrong.

He got up on the wrong side of the bed. "I don't wanna go to school, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna wait till afternoon snack to have my birthday cupcakes, no,no,no,no..." it went on and on. It didn't take long till I was in tears. This is a typical 5 year old way to behave, and it's not anything new for Josh, of course, but I was devistated. Why?

I thought about it a lot on my long, traffic filled drive to work. It's because I was projecting. Let me explain.

Normal readers might remember that last Saturday was my birthday. Last Saturday was also our crazy-trip-extravaganza-Thing-1-Birthday-Present day. The next day was Easter. My birthday got really, really lost in all that shuffle. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I was sad. I pushed it off, because we were celebrating Thing One's birthday (the trip was his present). But as the day, and weekend went on, I began to notice just how  lost it was.

My best friend of 34 years forgot. He texted the next day to wish the family a Happy Easter.

My cousins, whom I consider sisters, forgot. Even when I saw them the next day for Easter - no one mentioned it.

I got lots of Facebook love, which was really nice... but not the same.

During the day last Saturday, I checked my facebook page, and mentioned to my hubby "Wow, I have a lot of posts on my facebook wall"

And he said "Why?"

Now, don't get me wrong - he and the kids brought a little gift for me, that I opened at 6:00am on Saturday morning (after getting poked in the eye - "Mama, it's UP time!") But by 6:05am, it was gone. Over. Done.

It all sounds SO selfish when I write it out, but it's how I feel. I think birthdays are so special, and need to be really, truly celebrated. I try to go out of my way for others birthdays.... and I just felt very unimportant.
So, I was projecting all of this anticipation and excitment  (enough for both Thing 1 and I) on Thing 1 this morning, who just happened to wake up cranky. I was not being fair to him either.

As a note, he was totally fine by the time we got to school, his normal happy self. And now the teachers will have to deal with the waiting-for-cupcakes-till-afternoon-is-torture spiel.

That's all I have for now. Processing it all... working on pulling up my big girl panties and getting over it.


  1. You know what? I don't think how you feel is selfish at all. If I were in your shoes - I'd be freaking pissed and sad and throwing a tantrum. I make a HUGE deal out of bdays and I NEVER forget and it's ONE day out of the year that is mine and I'm not ashamed to say that I want others to remember. Happy belated babe. You deserve it.

  2. I've had a lot of birthdays...I mean a lot. I'm 50. Can you imagine? Sometimes I can't. Anyway, along the way, there will be good ones and bad ones. I don't know why, but that's how its played out for me. I am learning to enjoy what is. This one was not so great. But maybe next year it will be amazing! Now you have something to look forward to!!

    Happy birthday!!

    Keep focused!

  3. I can understand you feeling that way. Happy Birthday from me!