Wow – where to start?
You know I was incredibly nervous on Friday. But by Saturday morning, I felt much calmer. I don’t know exactly why, but I just wasn’t as agitated (until we took a wrong turn that ended up costing us almost 20 minutes). I showed up at about 9:20 for my 10:00 heat, and the race was run so efficiently, that I was able to walk right up to the registration tent, check in and make my way nearby to the starting line in about 5 minutes.
After 3 potty trips (TMI, I know) they called out heat into the “pen”. You hop your first of many walls just getting into the starting area. I hung back a little. I knew I wanted to be near the back so I didn’t feel rushed. I wanted to focus on one foot in front of the other, and each obstacle as it came up, and nothing more.
I got a kiss from the hubs and said a prayer as I waited and suddenly we were off. I started jogging at my slow pace, and just kept moving. As I jogged along and came to the first set of walls – we had a back-log of runners. So, basically, we waited in line. Meh, I don’t mind a little energy reservation. I wasn’t in this for the time. I was it in to see what I could do.
The first few walls felt easy. I remember last time coming to the first wall and thinking “I don’t even know where to start here!” Now, I have my groove down on walls. As they got taller, I added a little running jump to boost myself to the top. However, they did get tall enough where that wasn’t enough, so I utilized the side braces to scramble up.
Walls – check
There were some new obstacles that surprised me and I was delighted that I flew right through them. Things like “pit jumping” – 5 very deep, long pits in a row, each getting wider as they went along, to leap over.
Pits – check
Logs to balance/walk up and down – check
There was a trail run through the wooded area. Some logs were cut down, and you had to go over or under them. It was here that I turned my left ankle, just slightly. I didn’t fall. Caught myself and slowed to a walk for a few minutes. It didn’t feel terrible, so I returned to my jogging pace.
There were some wicked hills to run up. Damn
Running hills – check
Tires – check
More walls – check
About ½ way through I started wondering where the mud was. LOL. I found out very soon.
We got into hills and ditches full of mud. Of course, being covered in mud makes things just a little harder. But dammit, I was having a fucking ball.
Because I was KICKING ASS.
Balance beams over deep muddy water – check
Uneven logs jumps – check
Huge cargo net walls – check
It was about 2/3 of the way through I thought about my nemesis obstacle. The one that last year I would never have accomplished without Christa at the top pulling me up. The moment I thought to myself “I don’t even think it’s here this year” I came over a hill and there is was. I was NOT scared. I went at it full force and I got through it. By myself. With my own strength, persistence, AND problem solving skills. I’ll come back to this at the end when I go into all the things I learned during this race.
Bitch tube climb – check
There was a lot of mud, very cold water, cargo climbs, and of course, the huge slide. I know the slide is some of the competitors favorite but I really hate it. Because I have NO control. Once I slide down, and I’m getting faster and faster and swerving all over – I can’t control my body and that kind of thing really scares me. But, before I knew it, I was splashing into the muddy water below and that part was over.
Slide - check
Another huge cargo net climb and 3 fire pit leaps and I was almost done. (I really have to try and post pics. I’ll work on it.)
Fire jumping - check
The last leg was a wall climb, roll over a large cargo net suspended over the concrete (shudder) and a climb down. Then – the obligatory “I am awesome” picture in front of the Rugged Maniac sign.
FINISH LINE – CHECK
My ankle got worse as the day wore on. I elevated and iced it on Saturday night and I have been wearing a support brace. A little sprain and some bruises are all I came out of this with. Pretty damn good!
I learned a lot in this race. I mean SO much. More than I will probably be able to express. But here are a few things
1. I’m awesome – sorry, it’s true. And every once in a while it’s good to toot your own horn. So, toot-toot.
2. I’m very social. I talked to people all over the race. People I didn’t know. I teamed up with 2 ladies running together and we helped each other over the tallest of the walls near the middle. They were awesome. I jumped over a few of those pits with another woman who was scared to do it, so I told her we would do it together. We both made it.
3. I am much stronger than last year- ESPECIALLY in my core strength. Last year I always felt like I was going to topple over, but this year I felt so steady and strong on the top of those walls. I felt confident and sure of myself. Lots of the balance obstacles were a result of the stronger core. Core strength = total awesomeness.
I could go on and on, but I won’t. I had an awesome experience and I WILL be doing them again – as a matter of fact, now I need to look forward to next Saturday doing the Fitathalon!
PROGRESS!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
T-1 Day, AKA "Oh Shit"
I had a very serious “I’m going to bale on this race Saturday” moment yesterday. It was right before going into my exam, and the feeling of being totally overwhelmed took over.
I had a fight or flight moment.
And I really, really wanted to choose FLIGHT.
Insert *DEEP BREATH* here.
So, I did what any other 21st century person would do.
I posted it on Facebook.
I knew posting it would illicit at least a *little* support, and that is all it would take. Because then people would KNOW that I was thinking about sleeping in on Saturday and pretending that I wasn’t supposed to be somewhere very, very different.
And yes, it worked.
I am still really terrified I’m not going to be able to do it. I am terrified of letting myself down. There is no one else to impress out there. Just me.
But, I’m still going to do it.
I’m trying to change my attitude about it a little bit. I have been approaching it as a “redemption” race of sorts. This is obviously inducing a lot of pressure. If I can start thinking of it as a gage – to see how far I have come in the last year – maybe, just maybe I can just go and have FUN.
FUN??? What?? These aren’t supposed to be fun!!!
Oh wait, it IS supposed to be fun.
Crap, I forgot about that
So, this is what it comes down to. I will run the Rugged Maniac tomorrow. It will be what it will be. I need to let go and give the whole thing up to God. The end.
Of course, you all will get a recap, (whether you want one or not…) but likely not till Monday.
Have a good weekend, people!
I had a fight or flight moment.
And I really, really wanted to choose FLIGHT.
Insert *DEEP BREATH* here.
So, I did what any other 21st century person would do.
I posted it on Facebook.
I knew posting it would illicit at least a *little* support, and that is all it would take. Because then people would KNOW that I was thinking about sleeping in on Saturday and pretending that I wasn’t supposed to be somewhere very, very different.
And yes, it worked.
I am still really terrified I’m not going to be able to do it. I am terrified of letting myself down. There is no one else to impress out there. Just me.
But, I’m still going to do it.
I’m trying to change my attitude about it a little bit. I have been approaching it as a “redemption” race of sorts. This is obviously inducing a lot of pressure. If I can start thinking of it as a gage – to see how far I have come in the last year – maybe, just maybe I can just go and have FUN.
FUN??? What?? These aren’t supposed to be fun!!!
Oh wait, it IS supposed to be fun.
Crap, I forgot about that
So, this is what it comes down to. I will run the Rugged Maniac tomorrow. It will be what it will be. I need to let go and give the whole thing up to God. The end.
Of course, you all will get a recap, (whether you want one or not…) but likely not till Monday.
Have a good weekend, people!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
T-2 Days!
I was very proud this morning to wake up and see my “story” had been printed in HoneyBee’s blog. She reached out to me a few months ago, and frankly, it took me a while to get it together. Telling my “story” is not easy… or rather, condensing my story is not easy. As I have been revealing in the past few posts, my weight “story” practically began at birth.
It’s Thursday and it’s T-2 Days till the Rugged Maniac. Typing that gave me the unmistakable butterflies I have been feeling on and off all week. I am a team of one. There is no one to lean on. There is only me.
I’ve been practicing some self talk for the starting line, and planning my warm-up session very carefully. I know, it sounds silly. But I have been thinking of some power statements that might help psych myself up for the start. Things like:
“You’ve got this. You are a machine”
“You are a beast”
“One step at a time”
“You are strong”
“You are powerful”
“You can do this”
“Focus”
“In it to the end”
I feel silly typing these out. But the focus they create when I say them to myself is undeniable. It takes me from wanting to give up in the middle of something to pushing through to the end. If you have never used power statements before, just give it a try. I pick a focus point, stare at it and talk to myself.
A little prayer won’t hurt either. J
“This course is twisting and full of hills, measuring just over 3.1 miles and packed with more than 25 obstacles. You will climb over massive dirt dunes, crawl through dark and winding tunnels, and hurdle fire. We redesigned our wall obstacles to be even more challenging and you will face a massive two-story cargo climb in prime view of spectators. The weather will be sunny, reaching highs in the low to mid 70s around midday; perfect for racing and grabbing a cold Harpoon afterwards.”
**GULP**.
Speaking of which, I think I’ll be happy as long as I don’t get hurt! My knee is doing a lot better, but I just don’t want to screw it up and get off my game.
I PRed my dead lift last night 190x5 reps. Very please with myself!
I’m headed to school after work for an exam for Nutrition III… I can hardly think about it with so much other stuff going on. “Fiddler” opens this weekend and I have to be there to help. RM Saturday, interview candidate on Saturday and hear him preach on Sunday.
And I gotta be honest. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but my chest is getting tight and I’m starting to cough a little. I’m not going to ignore it any more. After my exam, I am ducking out of class, headed to get some vitamin C and home to sleep. Hoping this does NOT come to a head.
OK, guys – I’m out.
Feature! :-)
Please go check out my guest blog/feature at HoneyBee! I'm very honored to have been asked for my story!
LINK
:-) I'll be back later.
LINK
:-) I'll be back later.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Fueling for the Rugged Maniac
Goals are going swimmingly so far this week. Yes, it’s only Tuesday, but I don’t anticipate any issues. Quiz #1 down, still studying for a test on Thursday. Keeping hydrated and I have done quite a bit of looking into nutrition to fuel my race.
Because the RM is a 5k, I’m not really going to need anything mid-race. I want something that will be good fuel, but not heavy. I got some good advice – “don’t deviate from your norm”.
I was asked “what would you eat before a hardcore workout?”
My answer – about 30 min before I would eat something like Ezekiel bread with PB (if it’s in the evening) or iced protein coffee (in the AM). That feels good to me. So, why mess with perfection? I might add something like a banana right before, but besides that, I feel good about the plan. My heat is at 10:00AM, so it’s not like I have to worry about a whole days worth of nutrition, and something not agreeing with me, etc. Specifically because my nerves go RIGHT to my tummy, I need to be careful of that, and why not deviating from the norm is especially good for me.
Woohoo! I feel good about that part of my race day!
I’m getting super nervous though.
I think back to last year. After last year’s race, I totally crashed mentally and emotionally. I did not feel a sense of camaraderie in the race like I thought I would. Thinking of it now, I know a lot of that was MY insecurity with the other girls, and NOT that I was really being left out.
I also look back at my mentality about my nutrition leading up to the race. I wanted to be the smallest and leanest I could be – of course, my thought was that being lighter would help me up and over those walls. This logic MIGHT be true, but I don’t think I had as much energy as I could have going through the course. That day, before the 12:00 heat – I ate 2 bananas. That’s it. I wanted to be “light”.
*Sigh* I wasn’t giving myself a chance!
Now I know I need to eat for energy, and this year I have been paying a lot of attention to getting stronger. My rope climbs are getting really freaking awesome. I can do about 10 full pushups in a row without my form breaking. This is a big gain for me. My upper body strength is something I have been focused on because there was one obstacle last year…
One… I couldn’t do it myself.
If Christa had not been there, I would have had to go around it last year. She practically pulled me up a freaking pipe on this tiny little rope they gave us to climb. I don’t know why I care that I needed help. I don’t know why I see that obstacle as my freaking nemesis, but I do. I’ve been thinking about it for a year. No lie. In the last few days I have come to realize something: that obstacle might not even be in the course this year! I actually have to laugh at this. If it’s there, I really hope to climb it on my own. If it’s not, I am sure there will be something else for me to conquer!
So, yeah, getting nervous. Going to Bodyology to lift some heavy shit tonight. Will feel good after, for sure.
Hubby and I are working on a plan for me to be able to stay at Bodyology. It’s not set yet, so I’m in a state of limbo, but regardless, I have tonight, tomorrow, and the next few weeks before any concrete decision has to be made.
Yes, I’m going to make it at the last moment. I’m going to keep this precious gift I have as long as I possibly can. He and I are both trying to get in as much overtime as possible. We are lucky to have that opportunity. And I am blessed I have a husband who is so supportive of my dreams and goals.
Alright – back to work!
Because the RM is a 5k, I’m not really going to need anything mid-race. I want something that will be good fuel, but not heavy. I got some good advice – “don’t deviate from your norm”.
I was asked “what would you eat before a hardcore workout?”
My answer – about 30 min before I would eat something like Ezekiel bread with PB (if it’s in the evening) or iced protein coffee (in the AM). That feels good to me. So, why mess with perfection? I might add something like a banana right before, but besides that, I feel good about the plan. My heat is at 10:00AM, so it’s not like I have to worry about a whole days worth of nutrition, and something not agreeing with me, etc. Specifically because my nerves go RIGHT to my tummy, I need to be careful of that, and why not deviating from the norm is especially good for me.
Woohoo! I feel good about that part of my race day!
I’m getting super nervous though.
I think back to last year. After last year’s race, I totally crashed mentally and emotionally. I did not feel a sense of camaraderie in the race like I thought I would. Thinking of it now, I know a lot of that was MY insecurity with the other girls, and NOT that I was really being left out.
I also look back at my mentality about my nutrition leading up to the race. I wanted to be the smallest and leanest I could be – of course, my thought was that being lighter would help me up and over those walls. This logic MIGHT be true, but I don’t think I had as much energy as I could have going through the course. That day, before the 12:00 heat – I ate 2 bananas. That’s it. I wanted to be “light”.
*Sigh* I wasn’t giving myself a chance!
Now I know I need to eat for energy, and this year I have been paying a lot of attention to getting stronger. My rope climbs are getting really freaking awesome. I can do about 10 full pushups in a row without my form breaking. This is a big gain for me. My upper body strength is something I have been focused on because there was one obstacle last year…
One… I couldn’t do it myself.
If Christa had not been there, I would have had to go around it last year. She practically pulled me up a freaking pipe on this tiny little rope they gave us to climb. I don’t know why I care that I needed help. I don’t know why I see that obstacle as my freaking nemesis, but I do. I’ve been thinking about it for a year. No lie. In the last few days I have come to realize something: that obstacle might not even be in the course this year! I actually have to laugh at this. If it’s there, I really hope to climb it on my own. If it’s not, I am sure there will be something else for me to conquer!
So, yeah, getting nervous. Going to Bodyology to lift some heavy shit tonight. Will feel good after, for sure.
Hubby and I are working on a plan for me to be able to stay at Bodyology. It’s not set yet, so I’m in a state of limbo, but regardless, I have tonight, tomorrow, and the next few weeks before any concrete decision has to be made.
Yes, I’m going to make it at the last moment. I’m going to keep this precious gift I have as long as I possibly can. He and I are both trying to get in as much overtime as possible. We are lucky to have that opportunity. And I am blessed I have a husband who is so supportive of my dreams and goals.
Alright – back to work!
Monday, September 23, 2013
And if you believe that, I have some land in Florida to sell you...
Second post of the day
*gasp!*
This one is prompted by money. Well, not so much money as advertisements.
I read a lot of blogs. Some are weight loss, some are "healthy lifestyle", exercise related, diet related, mish-mash of everything related. Hello, I even follow one particular make-up blog that I love. When I first started reading blogs and blogging myself, I had NO idea that you could possibly make money off of a blog. I just didn’t get it. I figured the “ads” (if I even noticed them) in the side-bar of someone’s blog were for something they just really believed in.
I know, I know – naive.
So when these bloggers were going on trips? Tagging fancy restaurants and touting the next most awesome product – I thought, “Wow, they are so lucky to be able to afford trips like that” and “This (insert product name here) must be great, (insert blogger name here) is talking about it a TON!”
I know, I know…
So, yes, I became disenchanted when I started realizing that people were getting this stuff for free in exchange to say nice things about the products to their many readers. I really didn’t even mind it ALL that much… however, when the product has nothing really to do with the blog at all (maxi-pads, for example) then, well… I have to laugh. And then un-friend the blogger. Not that they will miss me from their hoards of other followers. Meh.
So, now it comes down to the real reason for this post. I don’t hock product. If I mention something it’s because I tried it, loved/hated it and want to let you all know about it. That’s it.
Read my (newly) revised blog sub-title, and you will see I am resisting the diet dogma out there. I don’t think there is “one” plan for everyone, but I DO think there is “A” plan for everyone to become their best, strongest, healthiest, happiest self. Please notice I didn’t say their “smallest, or slimmest” self.
That’s all. Back to work and sneaking in a little studying before class.
*gasp!*
This one is prompted by money. Well, not so much money as advertisements.
I read a lot of blogs. Some are weight loss, some are "healthy lifestyle", exercise related, diet related, mish-mash of everything related. Hello, I even follow one particular make-up blog that I love. When I first started reading blogs and blogging myself, I had NO idea that you could possibly make money off of a blog. I just didn’t get it. I figured the “ads” (if I even noticed them) in the side-bar of someone’s blog were for something they just really believed in.
I know, I know – naive.
So when these bloggers were going on trips? Tagging fancy restaurants and touting the next most awesome product – I thought, “Wow, they are so lucky to be able to afford trips like that” and “This (insert product name here) must be great, (insert blogger name here) is talking about it a TON!”
I know, I know…
So, yes, I became disenchanted when I started realizing that people were getting this stuff for free in exchange to say nice things about the products to their many readers. I really didn’t even mind it ALL that much… however, when the product has nothing really to do with the blog at all (maxi-pads, for example) then, well… I have to laugh. And then un-friend the blogger. Not that they will miss me from their hoards of other followers. Meh.
So, now it comes down to the real reason for this post. I don’t hock product. If I mention something it’s because I tried it, loved/hated it and want to let you all know about it. That’s it.
Read my (newly) revised blog sub-title, and you will see I am resisting the diet dogma out there. I don’t think there is “one” plan for everyone, but I DO think there is “A” plan for everyone to become their best, strongest, healthiest, happiest self. Please notice I didn’t say their “smallest, or slimmest” self.
That’s all. Back to work and sneaking in a little studying before class.
Weekly Goal: Be MIGHTY
I have come to the conclusion (several times, actually) that I don’t do well with “challenges”. The kind of long (or short) term challenge that focuses on specific goals (usually weight loss/number specific).
I started to think I just wasn’t a “challenge” kind of person. Putting a time limit on my progress didn’t motivate me. It was the opposite. In the face of feeling like it wasn’t going to happen, I would regress. Usually sabotaging myself.
Isn’t the human psyche interesting/annoying/bitchy?
However, I’ve been reading a lot of peeps lately that set themselves weekly goals. Immediately I thought “Nope. I don’t do challenges. They just don’t work for me” But thinking on it some more, I realized that a weekly goal is very different from a challenge. The biggest difference being that I am the boss of a goal of any sort. I sent my rules.
And I’m not focused on the scale right now, so I’m not pushing for a weight loss number. My weekly goals can be anything. So, in the spirit of challenging myself in other ways where there is NO time constraint, I am taking a step into the idea of weekly goals. So, I’m here to hash some out. Bear with me…
Goals for week 9/23-9/29
- Keep hydrated every day. Consume at least 80 oz of liquid a day
- Make a plan and follow through on proper nutrition for my Rugged Maniac
- FMA 2 days this week (T, W)
- LIGHT workout Friday (a small circuit maybe)
- RUGGED MANIAC on Saturday morning
Obviously most of these focus on my RM Saturday. In addition to thinking about that, I have my normal barrage of other things, including a quiz today and an exam on Thursday.
These “goals” might look like any other plan of action, and I guess in a way, right now, they are. But that’s OK. Because I’m the boss, and I decide what my goals are. What can’t I call them goals? Why shouldn’t I feel good about accomplishing them? These things are not hum0drum everyday things that everyone does. To me, this weeks list is “small” but MIGHTY.
Actually, let’s add that to the list.
This week, I will be MIGHTY.
I started to think I just wasn’t a “challenge” kind of person. Putting a time limit on my progress didn’t motivate me. It was the opposite. In the face of feeling like it wasn’t going to happen, I would regress. Usually sabotaging myself.
Isn’t the human psyche interesting/annoying/bitchy?
However, I’ve been reading a lot of peeps lately that set themselves weekly goals. Immediately I thought “Nope. I don’t do challenges. They just don’t work for me” But thinking on it some more, I realized that a weekly goal is very different from a challenge. The biggest difference being that I am the boss of a goal of any sort. I sent my rules.
And I’m not focused on the scale right now, so I’m not pushing for a weight loss number. My weekly goals can be anything. So, in the spirit of challenging myself in other ways where there is NO time constraint, I am taking a step into the idea of weekly goals. So, I’m here to hash some out. Bear with me…
Goals for week 9/23-9/29
- Keep hydrated every day. Consume at least 80 oz of liquid a day
- Make a plan and follow through on proper nutrition for my Rugged Maniac
- FMA 2 days this week (T, W)
- LIGHT workout Friday (a small circuit maybe)
- RUGGED MANIAC on Saturday morning
Obviously most of these focus on my RM Saturday. In addition to thinking about that, I have my normal barrage of other things, including a quiz today and an exam on Thursday.
These “goals” might look like any other plan of action, and I guess in a way, right now, they are. But that’s OK. Because I’m the boss, and I decide what my goals are. What can’t I call them goals? Why shouldn’t I feel good about accomplishing them? These things are not hum0drum everyday things that everyone does. To me, this weeks list is “small” but MIGHTY.
Actually, let’s add that to the list.
This week, I will be MIGHTY.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Giving it up
Sometimes shit happens you don’t plan on and it really screws things up.
I got into a car accident last month.
I was not hurt, the other driver was not hurt, but my car was totaled.
Consequentially, I had to get another (used) car. My husbands 1998 Lumina also decided it had had enough and shit the bed. Yes, at the same time. So two new used cars for us.
It was a blessing that what I got from the insurance company for my car was enough to put a down payment on both new/used cars and it brought the payment for both cars into a number we could “afford” (Afford being subjective)
So, last night in the mail, I get a bill. I open it. Student loan bill. Pretty hefty amount. But I don’t fret. I’m in school part time, and when you are in school, your student loan bills are deferred. So, I called. I figured they just didn’t know I was still in school.
Nope. They knew.
Apparently, graduate school loans have a much shorter in-school deferment time. And I have apparently exhausted mine.
Starting in October, I will have another very large bill to pay.
There is no money in our already over-extended budget for this.
Unless I give up Bodyology and get a second job.
That is literally the only solution we can come up with.
My hubby tries to console me by telling me it’s only temporary. I know, I know… but it doesn’t matter.
Bodyology is like a saving grace to me. It’s like my sanity…
Just typing it makes me tear up. Never mind tear up – outright cry.
Bodyology is not just a training facility. It is certainly not “just a gym”.
It’s a fitness family that has helped me truly find my best self. The encouragement, the love… it’s unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I have done things with their encouragement that I never, ever, ever thought I could do.
Yes, I will keep my gym membership.
Yes, I will try to incorporate the things I have learned into what I will do there.
And I might sound like a spoiled child, but it’s just not the same.
Unfortunately, I have to do what I have to do.
Pulling up my big-girl panties, wiping me tears, and moving forward.
I got into a car accident last month.
I was not hurt, the other driver was not hurt, but my car was totaled.
Consequentially, I had to get another (used) car. My husbands 1998 Lumina also decided it had had enough and shit the bed. Yes, at the same time. So two new used cars for us.
It was a blessing that what I got from the insurance company for my car was enough to put a down payment on both new/used cars and it brought the payment for both cars into a number we could “afford” (Afford being subjective)
So, last night in the mail, I get a bill. I open it. Student loan bill. Pretty hefty amount. But I don’t fret. I’m in school part time, and when you are in school, your student loan bills are deferred. So, I called. I figured they just didn’t know I was still in school.
Nope. They knew.
Apparently, graduate school loans have a much shorter in-school deferment time. And I have apparently exhausted mine.
Starting in October, I will have another very large bill to pay.
There is no money in our already over-extended budget for this.
Unless I give up Bodyology and get a second job.
That is literally the only solution we can come up with.
My hubby tries to console me by telling me it’s only temporary. I know, I know… but it doesn’t matter.
Bodyology is like a saving grace to me. It’s like my sanity…
Just typing it makes me tear up. Never mind tear up – outright cry.
Bodyology is not just a training facility. It is certainly not “just a gym”.
It’s a fitness family that has helped me truly find my best self. The encouragement, the love… it’s unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I have done things with their encouragement that I never, ever, ever thought I could do.
Yes, I will keep my gym membership.
Yes, I will try to incorporate the things I have learned into what I will do there.
And I might sound like a spoiled child, but it’s just not the same.
Unfortunately, I have to do what I have to do.
Pulling up my big-girl panties, wiping me tears, and moving forward.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Food Shame
I don’t know when I first started to feel ashamed of enjoying food. I do, however, remember distinctly a moment in Kindergarten when we were having ice cream sundaes for someone’s birthday. I was SO excited. We all stood in line, waiting for our turn to get ice cream and toppings. There were 2 adults helping the kids, one I remember as being my mom, but she insists she doesn’t remember this. One of the adults looked at me, laughed and said something about “calming down” and me "licking my lips”… I don’t remember the exact words. But I remember the burning I felt in my cheeks. The tingle of embarrassment in my stomach.
In 3rd grade we were celebrating Thanksgiving with a “traditional” Thanksgiving feast. Parents were invited, and the class all brought in food and dressed as pilgrims and Indians. When it was time to get up and get into line to get our feast, I sat at my desk and cried. I felt so embarrassed to get up and for others to see me take food and eat it –
Heaven forbid – ENJOY it, that I simply sat there and cried.
Mortified
My poor teacher didn’t understand. Hell, I didn’t even understand.
Where did this shame come from? And at such a young age?
My step mother is incredible at describing food. She will tell you about a specific ice cream that is so delicious, one that you haven’t been able to get in stores for at LEAST 15 years, yet she can still describe it so well, you can almost taste it. I used to be embarrassed by this. Let me repeat that. I used to be embarrassed by HER describing food… ummm, huh?
I used to think that if you were overweight, you needed to hide any enjoyment food might have for you. God forbid something tasted good. Don’t say it out loud! Someone might hear you! And then, we all know what would have happened –the bullying would ensue. The stares. The talking behind your back. The laughing.
Dear God. It was horrific.
This logically may have led me down the path (a little further down, anyway) of binging and eating in secret. When you binge, you don’t think. Nothing tastes “good”. You hardly taste anything at all. It’s about getting the food into you so it can help numb you. A binge seems almost impossible if someone is savoring and enjoying their food. Slowly, fully enjoying what you are eating leaves your body free to tell you what it needs to tell you. Like “I’m full now”, or “I’d like more”, “I don’t like this” or “this is divine”
Regardless of where in my twisted past this shame really came into play and flourished, I have truly discovered recently how to battle it. When I am ETF (Eating The Food) I don’t feel the need to binge, or eat hurriedly. There is more if I really want it or I don’t have to clean my plate. It’s just food, and it’s all good. (yes, I say that in a very mystical, hippy-dippy manner). It’s all good, man. No worries.
I am in a class this semester called “Foods”. When I signed up in the spring, I was NOT yet ETF. I didn’t know much about the class, and truth be told, I didn’t think a thing about it all summer. We have just begun the semester and I am getting fully acclimated. This class not only involves food chemistry, but cooking and tasting the food we cook.
Not just tasting, but describing the food. Discussing things like mouth-feel, texture, aroma, taste… oh wow. This would have been my worst nightmare a mere few months ago. Especially having some fat still to drop, I would have felt mortified by this class. I dare say I might have dropped it.
Some thoughts that would have gone through my head:
“OMG, what if that has sugar in it?”
“I can’t eat anything with sugar”
“Will this fit into my macros?”
“I didn’t save enough calories for this!”
Oh the stress would have been incredible.
But now, instead of dropping it, instead of stressing about it, I am fully embracing it. I am viewing it as a challenge mentally and emotionally. A challenge I am willing to take on full force.
Challenges everywhere this fall!
In 3rd grade we were celebrating Thanksgiving with a “traditional” Thanksgiving feast. Parents were invited, and the class all brought in food and dressed as pilgrims and Indians. When it was time to get up and get into line to get our feast, I sat at my desk and cried. I felt so embarrassed to get up and for others to see me take food and eat it –
Heaven forbid – ENJOY it, that I simply sat there and cried.
Mortified
My poor teacher didn’t understand. Hell, I didn’t even understand.
Where did this shame come from? And at such a young age?
My step mother is incredible at describing food. She will tell you about a specific ice cream that is so delicious, one that you haven’t been able to get in stores for at LEAST 15 years, yet she can still describe it so well, you can almost taste it. I used to be embarrassed by this. Let me repeat that. I used to be embarrassed by HER describing food… ummm, huh?
I used to think that if you were overweight, you needed to hide any enjoyment food might have for you. God forbid something tasted good. Don’t say it out loud! Someone might hear you! And then, we all know what would have happened –the bullying would ensue. The stares. The talking behind your back. The laughing.
Dear God. It was horrific.
This logically may have led me down the path (a little further down, anyway) of binging and eating in secret. When you binge, you don’t think. Nothing tastes “good”. You hardly taste anything at all. It’s about getting the food into you so it can help numb you. A binge seems almost impossible if someone is savoring and enjoying their food. Slowly, fully enjoying what you are eating leaves your body free to tell you what it needs to tell you. Like “I’m full now”, or “I’d like more”, “I don’t like this” or “this is divine”
Regardless of where in my twisted past this shame really came into play and flourished, I have truly discovered recently how to battle it. When I am ETF (Eating The Food) I don’t feel the need to binge, or eat hurriedly. There is more if I really want it or I don’t have to clean my plate. It’s just food, and it’s all good. (yes, I say that in a very mystical, hippy-dippy manner). It’s all good, man. No worries.
I am in a class this semester called “Foods”. When I signed up in the spring, I was NOT yet ETF. I didn’t know much about the class, and truth be told, I didn’t think a thing about it all summer. We have just begun the semester and I am getting fully acclimated. This class not only involves food chemistry, but cooking and tasting the food we cook.
Not just tasting, but describing the food. Discussing things like mouth-feel, texture, aroma, taste… oh wow. This would have been my worst nightmare a mere few months ago. Especially having some fat still to drop, I would have felt mortified by this class. I dare say I might have dropped it.
Some thoughts that would have gone through my head:
“OMG, what if that has sugar in it?”
“I can’t eat anything with sugar”
“Will this fit into my macros?”
“I didn’t save enough calories for this!”
Oh the stress would have been incredible.
But now, instead of dropping it, instead of stressing about it, I am fully embracing it. I am viewing it as a challenge mentally and emotionally. A challenge I am willing to take on full force.
Challenges everywhere this fall!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Rugged Maniac and Fitathalon!
As I previously mentioned, I am involved in 2 different events coming up in the next few weeks. Don’t let the time line fool you – I have been focused on The Rugged Maniac for months. The Fitathalon just recently came to light. Because I discovered I had the opportunity to volunteer for the race and run it (for free – yea volunteering!), I grabbed it.
The Rugged Maniac is the same race I ran last year. Anyone who has been following me that long (bless your soul!), you may remember I felt very let down after it. When I decided to sign up again, it was ages ago. I decided to form my own team for it, and to run it Saturday. The team consisted of me and 3 other people. So excited! Until….
Unfortunately, for a myriad of reasons, the other 3 members of my little team are unable to race. So it’s just me. On my own.
This is…. Nerve wracking, of course.
BUT, it’s also a chance to challenge myself and run my OWN race. Not “with” or “for” anyone but me.
My strategy: I’m not in this for time. I’m in it to conquer every obstacle on the course. I don’t care if it takes me 3 hours. I am going to take each one down.
One. By. One.
Each wall.
Each pit.
Each hill.
Each climb.
One at a time.
I don’t care if people are zipping by me. That is not what this race is going to be about for me. It’s going to be about analyzing what I need to do to get through each one on my own.
And sometimes it’s going to be about just running at it full force and praying. LOL
I feel a *little* less nervous because I know what to expect (mostly). But still there is some anxiety.
Then, there is the Fitathalon.
The Fitathalon is more local, and is a great event. My trainer, Christa WON the competitor (highest) level of the Fitathalonlast year. This year, well, she is “training for two” and so running races is not in the cards right now.
At her advice, I signed up for a level that “scared” me. There are 4 levels. Newbie, Beginner, Challenger, and Competitor.
I signed up for Challenger.
I have never thought of myself as a challenger when it comes to going up against other people. But, then I thought about how I have been challenging MYSELF in so many different ways in the past few months and years. So, once again, this race is not about anyone else but me. I don’t know anyone else in my heat right now, but that’s ok. I’m concentrating on my OWN race.
The fitathalon is a 5k obstacle race that has no mud, fire or electrocution, etc. From their website:
“Fitathlons are for everyone – Beginners, who are looking to have fun and enjoy the obstacles and serious athletes, looking to capture the purse. We divide the participants up so you participate with other fitathletes who share similar goals. It doesn’t matter if you’re a newbie, beginner, challenger, orcompetitor you’re bound to have a great experience and be challenged like never before. A fitathlon is not a Tough Mudderor Spartan Race or any other event that includes mud, fire, water or electrocution!!!! None of that stuff. While we do have obstacles the comparison ends there. Your heart rate will get up and stay up the entire race. Your legs will feel like jello and you will be exhausted when you finish but you’ll be thrilled with your accomplishment.”
And that is all I want!
“A Fitathlon is a fitness challenge that tests your strength, endurance, athleticism and mental toughness. Fitahlon’schallenges have 15-20 obstacles that take place over a 5k or 10k distance. The obstacles include but are not limited to speed and agility, strength, endurance, balance and core strength”
WHEW!!!
Since I have never done one, I have NO pre-conceived notions. I am going to go and do my best. Similar to RM, I am going to take one thing at a time. Get through it. Move on.
Mentally, that’s all I can do.
If I looked at these 2 races as a whole – I do believe a freak-out would ensue! LOL
So that’s what’s up and coming. There will be re-caps galore!
How are you challenging yourself this fall??
Monday, September 16, 2013
ETF and LTW
ETF: Eating the Food
LTW: Lifting the Weights
I am doing both! And damn, it feels good.
Let's talk about Lifting the Weights first... here are my 1 rep maxes on my main lifts right now:
Barbell Shoulder Press: 70
Coventional Deadlift: 215
Bench Press: 100
Back Squat: 135
I started seriously concentrating on lifting about 4 weeks ago. One my first time conventional dead-lifting, I pulled a 205 1 rep max. And actually, I ended up pulling that 3 times. LOL. FIRST TIME OUT. It was THRILLING.
I am focused-lifting 2x per week at FMA Performance (the other 1/2 of Tuff Girl),1 time at Tuff Girl, plus one more day at the gym, where I usually put together my own circuit, depending on what I have been focused on in my other workouts.
Lifting heavy shit just makes you feel badass
Let's talk about Eating The Food...
I am eating about 2000 calories per day, maybe a little more on days I lift really heavy. At first, when my metabolism was figuring out what the hell I was doing with all that food, I put on about 8 lbs over around a month. That's a lot in a little time!
BUT, I had to trust the process.
I trusted it because MENTALLY I felt AMAZING. PHYSICALLY I felt INCREDIBLE.
And isn't THAT the point???
YES, it IS!!!
I'll give you an idea of what I am eating. Here is todays menu:
Iced coffee with dark chocolate almond milk (yes, with real, regular sugar)
Pumpkin Blueberry oatmeal bake (And Oxygen Mag (RIP)favorite!)
Apple
Stuffed red bell pepper (Stuffing: ground turkey breast seasoned spicy, with black beans and some cheese on top)
small piece of pumpkin chocolate chip bread (I mean, this stuff is to die for!)
apple
large piece of zucchini quiche, pineapple chobani
All that ends up to be about 1700 cals.
Yup. I am eating some sugar. And when I view it as "just food", it loses a lot of power. I don't feel the need to binge on it, because I know I can have it whenever I want. And if I really pay attention, I don't USUALLY want it, especially when I'm hungry! When I'm hungry, I want MEAT. LOL
It's JUST FOOD.
SO, that's what I have been up to. I have lots more to tell you, but that will be coming up shortly. I'll give you a preview:
Not 1, but 2 fitness challenges coming up within the next 3 weeks! EEK!
I'm in a class called "FOODS". It involves cooking, tasting, savoring and describing food. This is something that mentally and emotionally I would not have been able to do even a few months ago. The idea of tasting and describing food felt shameful to me for so long... breaking out of that barrier is tough! We will talk about it soon!
PEACE my people!!! It's good to be back!
LTW: Lifting the Weights
I am doing both! And damn, it feels good.
Let's talk about Lifting the Weights first... here are my 1 rep maxes on my main lifts right now:
Barbell Shoulder Press: 70
Coventional Deadlift: 215
Bench Press: 100
Back Squat: 135
I started seriously concentrating on lifting about 4 weeks ago. One my first time conventional dead-lifting, I pulled a 205 1 rep max. And actually, I ended up pulling that 3 times. LOL. FIRST TIME OUT. It was THRILLING.
I am focused-lifting 2x per week at FMA Performance (the other 1/2 of Tuff Girl),1 time at Tuff Girl, plus one more day at the gym, where I usually put together my own circuit, depending on what I have been focused on in my other workouts.
Lifting heavy shit just makes you feel badass
Let's talk about Eating The Food...
I am eating about 2000 calories per day, maybe a little more on days I lift really heavy. At first, when my metabolism was figuring out what the hell I was doing with all that food, I put on about 8 lbs over around a month. That's a lot in a little time!
BUT, I had to trust the process.
I trusted it because MENTALLY I felt AMAZING. PHYSICALLY I felt INCREDIBLE.
And isn't THAT the point???
YES, it IS!!!
I'll give you an idea of what I am eating. Here is todays menu:
Iced coffee with dark chocolate almond milk (yes, with real, regular sugar)
Pumpkin Blueberry oatmeal bake (And Oxygen Mag (RIP)favorite!)
Apple
Stuffed red bell pepper (Stuffing: ground turkey breast seasoned spicy, with black beans and some cheese on top)
small piece of pumpkin chocolate chip bread (I mean, this stuff is to die for!)
apple
large piece of zucchini quiche, pineapple chobani
All that ends up to be about 1700 cals.
Yup. I am eating some sugar. And when I view it as "just food", it loses a lot of power. I don't feel the need to binge on it, because I know I can have it whenever I want. And if I really pay attention, I don't USUALLY want it, especially when I'm hungry! When I'm hungry, I want MEAT. LOL
It's JUST FOOD.
SO, that's what I have been up to. I have lots more to tell you, but that will be coming up shortly. I'll give you a preview:
Not 1, but 2 fitness challenges coming up within the next 3 weeks! EEK!
I'm in a class called "FOODS". It involves cooking, tasting, savoring and describing food. This is something that mentally and emotionally I would not have been able to do even a few months ago. The idea of tasting and describing food felt shameful to me for so long... breaking out of that barrier is tough! We will talk about it soon!
PEACE my people!!! It's good to be back!
My OWN Battle
I wrote the below last week in my private journal. I still feel the same way now as I did when I wrote it.
For anyone concerned, my gain has been very minimal (8 lbs)
And now, it's slowly moving back down.
Not because I am striving for a certain number
But because I am striving to be STRONG, HAPPY and HEALTHY.
I am lifting weights like a CHAMP
Workout out my body HARD
And I am eating for my activity
My activity, my life, requires MORE than 1200 calories a day
or 1300, or 1400.
And if consuming enough to get my brain out of crazy binge mode, and enough to keep my body strong in my workouts means a very slow fat loss. Well, that's just fine by me.
I'M BACK, and things around here are DIFFERENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
The hardest part about being true to myself
The hardest part about following through with the one thing that I really need to make me happy
The hardest part
Is screwing up
Doing it wrong
Gaining weight
So I can gain sanity
So I can win the battle
MY OWN Battle
No-one else can fight it
No-one else has one quite like it
My way is not everyone's way
YOUR way is not everyone's way
We are all unique, so are our paths
I am focusing on really mentally fixing myself
All of the obsessing
Every calorie
Every gram of sugar
Every ounce of fat gained or lost
So, so, so exhausting
I wasn't LIVING
I was OBSESSING
And that obsessing was simply too much to hang on to all the time
So, I would let go
I would binge on junk
Then I would feel horrid
Guilty
Wrong
Bad
Ugly
Fat
Loser
Moron
Nothing
I would allow others negativity to seep into my consciousness
If I wasn't perfect
I was nothing
*sigh*
What a mind-fuck
I thought so badly of myself
I thought my kids deserved a better mom than someone like me
They needed someone who wasn't such a loser
So they could be raised well
Oh my GOD
Really?
I thought this way about myself?
So sad, really
And you know what?
It's not true
I'll say it again
NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
Guilty
Wrong
Bad
Ugly
Fat
Loser
Moron
Nothing
Nope
Not one of those things is true
I'll tell you what IS true
I AM:
Strong
Happy
Beautiful
Smart
Blessed
Fit
Healthy
A GREAT, LOVING mom
AWESOME
BADASS
Yes. I am all those things
And I'm not afraid to say it
Not just SAY it, but BELIEVE IT
YES.
Not in 20 lbs
Not in a size 8
Right now!
For anyone concerned, my gain has been very minimal (8 lbs)
And now, it's slowly moving back down.
Not because I am striving for a certain number
But because I am striving to be STRONG, HAPPY and HEALTHY.
I am lifting weights like a CHAMP
Workout out my body HARD
And I am eating for my activity
My activity, my life, requires MORE than 1200 calories a day
or 1300, or 1400.
And if consuming enough to get my brain out of crazy binge mode, and enough to keep my body strong in my workouts means a very slow fat loss. Well, that's just fine by me.
I'M BACK, and things around here are DIFFERENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
The hardest part about being true to myself
The hardest part about following through with the one thing that I really need to make me happy
The hardest part
Is screwing up
Doing it wrong
Gaining weight
So I can gain sanity
So I can win the battle
MY OWN Battle
No-one else can fight it
No-one else has one quite like it
My way is not everyone's way
YOUR way is not everyone's way
We are all unique, so are our paths
I am focusing on really mentally fixing myself
All of the obsessing
Every calorie
Every gram of sugar
Every ounce of fat gained or lost
So, so, so exhausting
I wasn't LIVING
I was OBSESSING
And that obsessing was simply too much to hang on to all the time
So, I would let go
I would binge on junk
Then I would feel horrid
Guilty
Wrong
Bad
Ugly
Fat
Loser
Moron
Nothing
I would allow others negativity to seep into my consciousness
If I wasn't perfect
I was nothing
*sigh*
What a mind-fuck
I thought so badly of myself
I thought my kids deserved a better mom than someone like me
They needed someone who wasn't such a loser
So they could be raised well
Oh my GOD
Really?
I thought this way about myself?
So sad, really
And you know what?
It's not true
I'll say it again
NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
Guilty
Wrong
Bad
Ugly
Fat
Loser
Moron
Nothing
Nope
Not one of those things is true
I'll tell you what IS true
I AM:
Strong
Happy
Beautiful
Smart
Blessed
Fit
Healthy
A GREAT, LOVING mom
AWESOME
BADASS
Yes. I am all those things
And I'm not afraid to say it
Not just SAY it, but BELIEVE IT
YES.
Not in 20 lbs
Not in a size 8
Right now!
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