My OWN Battle

I wrote the below last week in my private journal. I still feel the same way now as I did when I wrote it.

For anyone concerned, my gain has been very minimal (8 lbs)

And now, it's slowly moving back down.

Not because I am striving for a certain number

But because I am striving to be STRONG, HAPPY and HEALTHY.

I am lifting weights like a CHAMP

Workout out my body HARD

And I am eating for my activity

My activity, my life, requires MORE than 1200 calories a day

or 1300, or 1400.

And if consuming enough to get my brain out of crazy binge mode, and enough to keep my body strong in my workouts means a very slow fat loss. Well, that's just fine by me.

I'M BACK, and things around here are DIFFERENT!
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The hardest part about being true to myself

The hardest part about following through with the one thing that I really need to make me happy

The hardest part

Is screwing up

Doing it wrong

Gaining weight

So I can gain sanity

So I can win the battle

MY OWN Battle

No-one else can fight it

No-one else has one quite like it

My way is not everyone's way

YOUR way is not everyone's way

We are all unique, so are our paths

I am focusing on really mentally fixing myself

All of the obsessing

Every calorie

Every gram of sugar

Every ounce of fat gained or lost

So, so, so exhausting

I wasn't LIVING

I was OBSESSING

And that obsessing was simply too much to hang on to all the time

So, I would let go

I would binge on junk

Then I would feel horrid

Guilty

Wrong

Bad

Ugly

Fat

Loser

Moron

Nothing

I would allow others negativity to seep into my consciousness

If I wasn't perfect

I was nothing

*sigh*

What a mind-fuck

I thought so badly of myself

I thought my kids deserved a better mom than someone like me

They needed someone who wasn't such a loser

So they could be raised well

Oh my GOD

Really?

I thought this way about myself?

So sad, really

And you know what?

It's not true

I'll say it again

NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

Guilty

Wrong

Bad

Ugly

Fat

Loser

Moron

Nothing

Nope

Not one of those things is true

I'll tell you what IS true

I AM:

Strong

Happy

Beautiful

Smart

Blessed

Fit

Healthy

A GREAT, LOVING mom

AWESOME

BADASS

Yes. I am all those things

And I'm not afraid to say it

Not just SAY it, but BELIEVE IT

YES.

Not in 20 lbs

Not in a size 8

Right now!