"If you are sick of starting over, you have to STOP QUITTING"

I had a rough day yesterday, due to what turned out to be my very first migrane. Woh. Holy crap. I ended up leaving work early and going home to lie down. I had to go to class, because I had an assignment due, so I got through that, and finally, after sleeping last night, it is gone. *whew*!
I'm workin' the TDD challenge. Yesterdays horrible headache made me want to reach for the comfort food. So, last night, I made myself a list of WHY I am doing this. It seems I can forget those reasons ALL too easily, and drown out that voice with the one that says "You'll NEVER get there! Just GIVE IT UP!".
Here are SOME of the things on my list... some other things are just for *my* eyes...
Why I continue on my path to weight loss, health, and wellness
- I have come TOO FAR to give up so close to my dream goal.
- I am be a positive influence on my kids
- I FEEL GOOD and STRONG when I am eating well and moving my body
- I want to treat my body well

These are just a few. I made a lengthy list and I am keeping it on me all the time. When my brain starts the inevitable battle, I can refer to it and regain my sanity.
I have 2 quotes inspiring me today. I printed them out and hung them in my little cubicle at work so I can see them all day:

"If you are sick of starting over, you have to STOP QUITTING"

"The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goals. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach".

That's all for now!

I TRIPLE DOG DARE YA!

Day one of the Triple Dog Dare Challenge. Now, I have said in the past that I don't do well with "challenges". I start to feel pressure and go way off the wagon. However, this challenge is different. I'm not competing with anyone but MYSELF. The group I'm in this with is not fighting each other for any kind of prize - we are working together for the BEST prize - awesome weight loss, fitness and HEALTH.

The challenge begins today and ends in 90 some-odd days. That's right. We are going to plow through Halloween (take your candy corn and toss it) Thanksgiving (I'll have some delicious turkey - 2 oz on some whole wheat bread and a big salad, maybe a baked apple!) and YES, even Christmas (no sugar plums here!)

The plan is "easy". It's straight forward. It is what it is, with no refined sugar (which, as you know, is a good thing for me!), and with all the healthy food groups accounted for. Will staying on the plan be "easy"? No, it won't be. Just like it's not "easy" to stay on any other plan. But,
I CAN do it. I WILL do it. And so will 18 other souls.

Say good bye 206 - 175, here I come.

Whatever plan you are on. Whatever makes sense to you - I TRIPLE DOG DARE you to do it, without cheats (meals, days, whatever) for 90 days. You WILL lose weight. Drink tons of fluid, and stay your course. Move your body, stick to the plan. It WILL WORK! It's not a miracle - it's SCIENCE!

Ok, I'm off to refill my water - let's DO THIS PEOPLE!!

*ommmm, ommmm*

Ok. I am much calmer today. Partially because we have come to an agreement for care of my Sammy Bear. My little punkin. My little Angel.
Ok, I'll stop, but he's just so freakin cute!
So, that is resolved (mostly) and we can resume our previously scheduled programming.

Eating front: pretty good, especially considering my tendancy to emotionally eat. The only thing I have been lax on is my water intake, which I am taking care of today (along with about 100 trips to the bathroom. I know, TMI)

Super hungry today. Sticking with all of my packed food, except one banana I went and bought in the cafe. Tons of water.

I can't wait to re-establish a workout routine. I've fallen out of the habit a little. I am still walking up a storm, but walking only gets you so far.

Munchy meeting today. Gonna really stick it out without the treats.

Listening to some calming music today. I need a mental break, and it's very soothing. Trying to breath through any negative thoughts and cravings. It works. Try it. "Be strong. Write it, work it out, just don't eat it... deep breath in...ommmmmm.... ommmmm...."

I just keep telling myself these things. It may seems funny or silly to some of you. But I am working through my sugar sensitivity to the best of my ability.

That's all for now. I am out of words...

Freakin' Mad

I am under a lot of pressure right now regarding child care. My main sitter for Sam (3 days per week) cannot do it anymore. To add him into daycare full time would ADD over $500 a month - yes, this is ON TOP of the over $1300 I pay ALREADY for Josh and Sam to go.
Let's be honest. $1300 for me is so difficult, the prospect of another $500 is laughable.
This is sometimes what happens when you use family to help care for your kids. This is what happens when you trust someone who, when you approach them and say "the only way I can go back to work is if you can do XYZ" and they agree, that it obviously is just until something more important comes along.
Feakin awesome.
I have no idea what to do about this. I am truly at a loss. It would be one thing if Josh was not in pre-school, going into kindergarten next year. He HAS to be in school. Sam, well, it's only 13 months, so he doesn't HAVE to be there yet. But if I could just say, "ok, fine. I'll take them out of school and stay home with them" it would be different. But I can't do that with Josh.
I already have 2 jobs, go to school and co-run a theater company... I can't get another job. Hubby can't get another job, because when I am working my 2nd job, he is with the kids.
I am at such a loss, and hubby doesn't even want to talk about it right now. It's ALL I want to talk about, because I am freaking out. Big time.
So, after this little news gift, I started eating my lunch. Soup. I decided a little roll was in order with my soup. So, I went upstairs. I walk into the cafe... and I'm thinking "I'm gonna cave, and I don't care. I'm so stressed. I'll start over tomorrow... I'm gonna cave"
I was walking toward my fav cafe binge food (crunchy praelines) and I stopped. I walked over, grabbed a small whole wheat roll, paid my 50 cents and left.
I should have felt triumphant. I should have felt proud.
But all I feel is MAD.

I'm MAD that I can't lean on my sugar right now. I am MAD I can't feel better, even just for a few moments in my sugar bliss.
I'm f%&king mad.
where do I go with all this freakin anger?? Where do I go with my stress?? Where can I put it if I can't EAT IT????
where?

The journey

I know my last post was mopey and sour - sorry for that. It really was upsetting to think I would have to stay flabby forever - constantly working to stay the same. No amount of strength training is going to tighten up this flab. Trust me. If I get brave one day, I'll post pics of my bat wings... I could seriously take flight.
I am going to appeal to my insurance company. I will wait a few months, lose more weight and revisit the doctor for new pictures. Hopefully it will work.
My eating is in a great place right now. Not that I'm not struggling some (with the home made coffee crumb cake sitting next to my desk) but I am feeling empowered about being sugar free. I don't feel sucked into food, and I am feeling *less* consumed by it.
The scale is showing the results of this work. But I will not post a loss until I am at a new lowest weight. I will NOT sabatoge myself this time. It's done. Enough, now.
I have come to the conclusion that I can't just have a little sugar. It never stops there. It might stop there one day, but then the next day there must be more, and more, and more till I am days/weeks into sugar sugar sugar everyday throughout the day. Feeling out of control. Telling myself "tomorrow will be better" "tomorrow I'll start again".
No more.
Hubby said maybe someday I'll be able to have some sugar and feel ok. I dunno. Maybe. I kind of compare it to an alcoholic who is sober for years and thinks they can have 1 beer.
Does that really happen? Probably not. Not without a whole lotta struggle to maintain control afterwards.
People who aren't sugar sensitive would have a hard time understanding this, I think. They may think that I am causing my mental consumption with sugar because I am depriving myself of it.
Look, our bodies don't need added sugars. I'm not depriving myself of any nutritional value. In fact, when I am out of sugar I am eating whole foods. Veggies, protein, some whole fiberous grains and some fruit. I have dairy. I am eating well. And the facts are fact: When I stop eating sugar, I FEEL BETTER. I feel emotionally and mentally and physically better.
So, how can that be wrong?
Anyway... Working out has slowed way down. I am giving my heel and my mind a chance to rest. I've concentrated a lot this past week on my diet. I feel like I really want to move tonight, so I will do a video or something. Something fun, that gets me pumped and burns a ton of calories. I'm not doing it for the calorie burn, I am doing it because my body is craving the movement. When I feel very stable in my eating, I will find a workout routine that works for me and for where I am in my journey right now. It won't be everyday. It will probably be more along the lines of 3-4 days per week.
I think I was getting a *little* exercise obsessed... but I think it has to do with the idea that I was trying to "make up" for my sugared out self. Trying to burn off what I was consuming.
LOL. There was NO WAY I could have kept up with that!
So. Here we are. In a slightly different place, but moving along in the total right direction for me, for right now.
Where are you at right now? Do you feel like you're on a good path? Have you made any big changes recently?

*sigh*

Found out my insurance denied my tummy tuck. I was told over and over that it would be covered - 160 lbs down, for crimminies sake!! But my "skin doesn't hang low enough" apparently.
Not sure what I'm going to do... maybe try to get down my final 30 and go back...maybe the skin will hang looser then...
It's very depressing. And it really makes me want to run up and get some sugar and chocolate laden something.
I feel defeated.
I feel I will never have the body I work so hard for.
Will I ever have piece of mind with large amounts of skin flapping around my body the rest of my life?
No. I can never feel confident about my body with all of this skin and excess just hanging.
Am I working for nothing? Am I working to...basically stay the same?
I am just so... sad. I know that sounds ridiculous. But I am.
That's all.

A beautiful post... PLEASE read

This is not weight loss related - specifically. But THIS POST is absolutly incredible. Please read it. Sit with it. Think about it.
What sign are YOU needing to wear today?
What sign can you see OTHERS wearing around you?
Our lives can be hard. But so can everyone elses.

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost

“The only way out is through.” Robert Frost
To the many of you out there going through weight loss and sticking to a weight loss plan, this is an awesome quote.

Look, we are all going to have trials. We are all going to have a breaking moment - a moment where you can ride the wave of a craving, let it flow through and and let it go, or you can let it crash all around you and give in. The fact is, the only way you are going to be successful is by learning YOUR body and what is going to really work for it. Everyone is different.

Now don't take the advise to mean that you can fool yourself into believing that a "bite" of this and a "taste" of that all day long, all week long, is just what YOUR body needs. Really listen to yourself. We all know, deep down inside what we need. We all know the truth. Some choose to bury it deep and ignore it. Well, if you are going to make a lifestyle change, you have to bring that truth to the surface. Acknowledge it. Speak it outloud. Tell someone else your truth. Here is my truth:

I am a sugar addict.

Some of you may know what that entails, others may not. I'm not going to go into it right now. I KNOW my truth and what I have to do about it. I don't LIKE it, but knowing the truth MUST lead to fixing ourselves for the better. I won't hide behind my addiction. "Oh, I can't stop eating this because I am an ADDICT" Um, no. I work my way through it. I take responsibility. In the end, we all must take responsibility for our selves, for our bodies and the state they are in.

FIND your TRUTH
ADMIT your RESPONSIBILITY
TAKE ACTION.
do this - lose FAT

Anything else will simply lead you to crashes and burns over and over. It's called yo-yo dieting, and all it's going to do is distroy your body and drive you insane.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Healing

"To be humble is to be grounded, to be from the earth, to be human, to be okay with being human. In a nutshell, it's accepting your wonderfully lovable imperfection.

It’s easy to hold images of perfection and project them into our lives. If we carry around idealized images of how life should unfold, how our growth out of overeating should unfold, how we should unfold, we create a very narrow space to succeed - and a very narrow space to feel good.

I invite you to embrace your humanity. Recognize that imperfection, having to work to change, and making mistakes is normal, acceptable, and okay. It creates a very gentle, forgiving space in which to unfold - which gives you a much greater chance to stop overeating."

- from Heal Overeating: Untangled,

Wow, I really needed to read something like this today, and there it was. I opened up a random e-mail I normally would have deleated, and it was there to greet me.
I've been having a hard time, mentally, lately. I'm sure you could tell from my last post. It started with some strange dreams that REALLY freaked me out, a lot of stress, some pain... and just kept spiraling until I felt so down, dark, and sad I didn't know what to do with myself... I still feel down. I still have a tired, hopeless feeling... however, I can feel myself getting a little lighter (mentally, not physically) and I hope it's the beginning of returning to a more positive place.
I have been stuck at this weight for a while. Up and down about 5 lbs or so. I have been exercising like a mad woman, but my eating has gotten poor again. I joined in with Allan and his troops, and I hung in there for a while, but I've been dragged back down (Sorry Allan!). My own fault, totally. You have to take responsibility for your own actions - positive AND negative. If I'm going to pat myself on the back when I succeed, I need to kick myself in the ass when I screw up.
*kick**kick*
But, what I need to do TODAY is forgive myself and move on. Forgiving yourself does NOT mean allowing the bad behavior to continue. It means not beating yourself up for the past, and moving on back to your healthier state. That is where I am at. Beating myself up only got me depressed - feeling like I was never going to get past this hump. THAT only perpetuated my behavior. I will NOT fall back into the cycle.
Yeah, yeah - I'll talk to my shrink ALL about this! LOL
Anyway, I'm still here. I'm making my way slowly but surely back up the great big hill of healthy eating and exercise. I will get back to the top and I will work hard to stay there. Even though I feel tired now. Even though I feel beaten, I will not stay beaten.

leavin'...on a jet plane...

Ever feel like you are alone, even when you are surrounded? Ever feel like no one can hear you, even though you are screaming? Ever feel like a failure? A nothing? A no-body? Useless? Worthless? Bad? Wrong? Guilty?

Yea. Me too.

And I really, really hate it.

Sometimes I want to run away somewhere. I would hop a plane and go to Seattle. I would call my brother from the Seattle airport and say "hey! Come pick me up!" and I would hide. I would hide away and I would pretend I didn't exist. That I had no responsibility, no worries, no failures - because I just wouldn't exist.

Poof.

Then I wake up in reality. I would miss my boys (all 3 of them) WAY too much to leave them. I can't disappear and not leave them at the same time, so... here I am. Still screaming and not being heard - not even knowing how to express myself sometimes. Still surrounded by this amazing, unconditional love from my husband and my boys and my family... and feeling alone.

I'm not perfect. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far from it. Things will never be what I want them to be, where I want them to be. I'm so tired of trying.

Conversations... with myself.

It's Tuesday, and I keep thinking it's Monday. This is, of course, a good thing, but also annoying, as I was not prepared for my class after work today. Thanks to my hubby, I am now.

Anyway...

Liquids again today. I think this will be the final day, and I will move to lots of liquids and *some* food. I am getting my body back on the band wagon after Hurricane Irene gave me too much of an excuse to eat like crap.
As soon as I realized that I was unprepared for my class this evening and had the subsequent freak-out, I conversation began:

"liquids just isn't a good idea today".
"Why? Why isn't it a good idea?"
"Well.... because.... I need more energy than this to get through the day..."
"You are taking in enough calories to function perfectly well"
But, but... I, um, OK FINE: I need to comfort myself with food"
"ohhhhh, I see. But, when do you *NOT* feel as though you need to do that?"
".... um... never, I guess"
"so, it will never be a "good time" to get yourself into this place... So, SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP"

So, if you don't have conversations like this in your own head, you might think I'm a nut-job, and well, that might be true. But, this is how I have to deal with myself sometimes.
The left-over pastries all over the office are not helping, but they are REALLY not going to help anything in my body. As a matter of fact, I will feel worse, and frankly, will still feel nervous about class. So, WTF?

Needless to say, liquids continues through today. Good times.

quick check in...

super short post- don't you hate these?
Feeling cranky and tired. First weekend of our show run and I'm on all liquids. Just wanted to give my system a rest from all the garbage I have been putting in it. Tomorrow, I get to eat. Exciting. Very clean (even on a holiday, when we have people coming over). Making a big salad. Starting the day with a spin class... sad I can't run the road race so many of my Tuff-Girl friends, and other friends are running tomorrow. Screw you, heel!
Show is going very, very well. It's tiring, and the space we are in is HOT, so we are all losing gallons in water weight just sweating under the lights in our heavy costumes. Unfortunately, it doesn't take the place of a workout!
Will do a thorough update tomorrow...