Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Freakin' Mad

I am under a lot of pressure right now regarding child care. My main sitter for Sam (3 days per week) cannot do it anymore. To add him into daycare full time would ADD over $500 a month - yes, this is ON TOP of the over $1300 I pay ALREADY for Josh and Sam to go.
Let's be honest. $1300 for me is so difficult, the prospect of another $500 is laughable.
This is sometimes what happens when you use family to help care for your kids. This is what happens when you trust someone who, when you approach them and say "the only way I can go back to work is if you can do XYZ" and they agree, that it obviously is just until something more important comes along.
Feakin awesome.
I have no idea what to do about this. I am truly at a loss. It would be one thing if Josh was not in pre-school, going into kindergarten next year. He HAS to be in school. Sam, well, it's only 13 months, so he doesn't HAVE to be there yet. But if I could just say, "ok, fine. I'll take them out of school and stay home with them" it would be different. But I can't do that with Josh.
I already have 2 jobs, go to school and co-run a theater company... I can't get another job. Hubby can't get another job, because when I am working my 2nd job, he is with the kids.
I am at such a loss, and hubby doesn't even want to talk about it right now. It's ALL I want to talk about, because I am freaking out. Big time.
So, after this little news gift, I started eating my lunch. Soup. I decided a little roll was in order with my soup. So, I went upstairs. I walk into the cafe... and I'm thinking "I'm gonna cave, and I don't care. I'm so stressed. I'll start over tomorrow... I'm gonna cave"
I was walking toward my fav cafe binge food (crunchy praelines) and I stopped. I walked over, grabbed a small whole wheat roll, paid my 50 cents and left.
I should have felt triumphant. I should have felt proud.
But all I feel is MAD.

I'm MAD that I can't lean on my sugar right now. I am MAD I can't feel better, even just for a few moments in my sugar bliss.
I'm f%&king mad.
where do I go with all this freakin anger?? Where do I go with my stress?? Where can I put it if I can't EAT IT????


  1. Exercise! When you are pissed there is no better workout. Do whatever it is you do to workout. If you lift weights take your pissedoffedness and lift more weight than you usually do. If you run, run faster and longer with the anger.

    Turn bad into good and it's hard to feel anything but accomplished.

  2. Augh - so been there! I agree with Mike. Exercise helps with stress!

    Keep focused!!!!