cast the stones

Sitting at work, feeling sick as sick can be.

My stomach is hurting, my head, my whole body. I feel weak and tired.

I'm also whiney. Sorry.

I don't know if my stomach pain is from a little bug, or from the total and utter destruction I wrought upon it this weekend. Seriously. On a scale of 1-10 (treating your body with care and respect - total abandonment of all that is healthy and nutritious) I was a 10. Total. Abandonment.

Something funny is, when I overeat, or binge on the wrong foods, in the moment, I feel as though I am "treating" myself. I'm "giving" myself something. In actuality, it is SO the opposite. I am MIStreating my body. It's working SO hard to process the garbage I put in it. It spikes and then crashes my blood sugar, resulting in the ultimate sick feeling. I feel, well, awful.

Where is the wiring crossed that makes me feel, for even a moment, that I am doing anything good for my body when I do this?

Hm. I think I may have just answered my own question. It's not my body I am "treating". It's my mind. The sugar feeds my addiction. My mind and psyche screams out for more. And dammit, I gave it more. Much more than I ever should have.

But I allowed it. Or rather, I allowed the walls to crumble down. I allowed the addiction to take over.

But, I will not feel guilty over this. Feeling guilty is simply perpetuating the cycle. Been there, done that. I will move on. I will listen to the pain I have put my body through. I will heed what my BODY needs and not what my MIND wants.

I DECIDE.

It's Halloween. I'm not even close to thinking about eating candy because, frankly, the thought makes me want to vomit. Yes. Delightful. I'll bring Thing 1 (who is a Ghost Sheriff) around to a few houses in our area. I'll carry the cutie little Thing 2 in his Dino costume along to get some air, but getting candy for him is totally ridiculous. Have you ever seen adults who walk around with infants, holding open a big sack for candy? Really? Is that kid gonna eat that? Prolly not. Well, I HOPE not! The adult is going home and raiding that bag. I will NOT be that person.

I'm sipping on tea, just trying to get through the day. It kinda feels like a hangover, except no alcohol was involved. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

Still have no internet, phone or cable at home from the fall Nor'easter that whipped through here. Thank you God, we have power. I am grateful. But, I prolly won't be able to update till tomorrow.

You can feel free to cast the stones. I suck.

well, that's life.

Ok, Ok... I give. I'm posting.

First, thanks for the shout-outs on my last post. I guess everyone, at one point or another, feels under confident. I swear sometimes I feel like I am schizophrenic. When I am up, I am flying, and when I am down, I come crashing. I guess I'm just dramatic like that. Sue me.

I'm hanging on by my artificial finger nails. No good reason. I haven't been "terrible" but I haven't been "great". No exercise this week to speak of. I'm not expecting a gain on Sunday, but if I have a loss, it will be small.

But, I just keep going. I know everything changes, and I am contemplating a big change for myself. Something I wasn't going to do for a while. Something that people will be upset by. Something that will take planning. But ultimately, something that will help me regain some SANITY in my life.
It will cause upheaval, so I have to think on it more.

The hubs and I are going through some stuff. Nothing earth-shattering. I'm sure it's stuff every couple goes through. We are working on it, but it's making me a little blue. However, we are lucky enough to have a date night tonight. Kids going to Grandmas and Pop-Pops, which means we can even sleep past 5AM tomorrow. Woot!

Anyway... that's pretty much it in my boring life. I feel like I am way too busy to not be exciting, yet, here I am!

Tomorrow is supposed to be yucky weather - snow and rain, wind, very cold. The kids and I will be stuck hanging around the house while the hubs goes off to play "Olivander" in A Halloween at Hogwarts. This is a great even put on at our local library and our theater company was asked to come in and portray the Hogwarts "Teachers". They are having lots of fun with it. I wasn't able to because:
1. I am already insane enough as it is, and
2. SOMEONE needs to be with our children.

So, there it is.

*sigh* ok. Posting this weekend will help keep me accountable for my actions, so I will be back.

**ETA: My in-laws just bailed on babysitting. So, no date. Fan-Freakin-tastic. **

I'm a fraud?

Coming through a sucky day emotionally. Sitting and thinking about my pitiful attitude today, I start thinking about confidence. That was my nose dive issue today. I start to feel like a big fraud. A faker. A liar. How could I ever go out into the world and help people lose weight when I have such a hard time keeping myself going? Why would anyone wanna listen to ME?
So, that leads me to wonder about my self confidence and how I just had this conversation with the hubs yesterday. Except I was talking to HIM about HIS lack of self confidence and feeling of self worth. Then here I am today, plummeting into the gutter.
When I think of strong, high self confidence, I think of my trainer at Bodyology, Christa. She is the essence of confidence and strength. Something not working? Easy. Change it. Body not responding the way you want? Easy. Work it harder. All these things are totally correct. But she makes them appear effortless. I have no reservations about following her to the end of the earth and back, because her self confidence draws me to her. Wonder if she has ever doubted herself. Ever. I wish I could work with her all the time. If I had the cash, I would make the time. She doesn't just change bodies, she changes attitudes and confidence.
Hey Christa, if you're reading - need an intern or something? I'll mop up sweat, or whatever else you need for a chance to work out in class few times a week! :-)
Don't get me wrong. These sweat sessions are worth EVERY CENT plus more... But, as they say, you can't get blood from a stone.
So. Where do you find lost self confidence? I guess you have to just dig around and find it yourself. No one is going to do it for you. I know it sounds whiny, but sometimes I wish someone would! lol
I've been trying to do little things that make me feel good about myself. I went and got my nails done for the first time in about 10 years. This morning, took the time to straighten my hair. I put on a little more makeup an normal. But, what's funny is by the end of today, I felt like a mess. The hair was a wreck, makeup half off... So, I found myself wondering why I put in the effort. Maybe its just not "me" to do these things. How can you go from feeling good and confident in the morning to a shoddy, fraudy mess in the afternoon?
I confuse myself.
So, for real, do all people go through this? Am I really crazy? It's ok, you can tell me if I am!

More psyche revelations: Warning: Nutty content

I, very inexplicably and unintentionally, may have just figured out at least ONE of my issues with my self-sabotaging behavior.
I am sitting here at my desk, thinking (yes, again) about how close I am to "ONEderland" and I immediately started thinking about the candy in the bosses office.
Um. why?
Then, I found myself thinking "well, I will inevitably slip up when I get into onederland, and I may even see the dreaded "2" at the beginning of my number again... so why bother?"
There it is folks. It's the fear of "getting there" and then "leaving there"
It's much worse to get to a goal, and then screw up and lose it, than to never get there at all.... or so my psyche seems to think.
What if I get to my ultimate goal, and I rebound up like a yo-yo? So what, I can reminisce about "that one time I was in ONEderland?"
OMG that would be horrible.
I remember when I lost about 60 lbs in college (starving myself, by the way) and I thought "I will NEVER be that big again!" And yet, I was. I gained all the way back to where I started and put on 65 additional! It was the biggest shame of my life to look at pictures of myself when I graduated college (I'm smaller now, BTW) and to see the way I had let myself become.
I can't stand to feel ashamed.
So there is it folks. I never saw myself as someone who was afraid of succeeding because I am more afraid of failing afterwards (Gosh, does this even make sense??) but here I am.
Now the perpetual question: What do I do about it?
Well, right now, I have to fight against it a bit. The fear makes me want to eat off my plan. It will also make me cry when I get on the scale Sunday morning and I don't see what I am expecting/what I want.
So, I need to pick a direction:

I think you know which way I am going to KEEP going. It's interesting that this "answer" suddenly just popped up. But, living is about learning. And I just keep learning over and over that I'm a nut job.

Sabotage and Addiction

Wow, I can't believe it's already Thursday. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY happy about that. Today does seem to be dragging.

I am continuing to remind myself "one day at a time, one pound at a time" and it is still working for me. It's hard to stay in that mind set, when I am SOOO CLOSE to a HUGE goal of mine of being under 200lbs. This morning (yes, I peaked) I was 201.4. Yes. I'm THAT close. Usually that is when my self-sabotage starts up. I really, honestly don't know why that happens. So, today, more so than days previous, I am finding myself taking things a *moment* at a time. Moving away from my self-sabotaging ways is hard. I know that sounds totally backwards - and trust me, I think it IS backwards, but I have just had to make peace with how my brain and psyche works and work WITH it rather than AGAINST it.

So, I saw THIS article on Yahoo a few days ago.

Some of my buddies have been chatting about it on Facebook... But I haven't seen any mention of it in any of the blogs I follow. I actually found that funny, since I follow almost strictly weight loss blogs. This trainer is purposely making himself obese. When I first heard about this guy, I thought he was doing it to "prove" that it was “easy" to take the weight off, or something like that. However, that does not seem to be the case. Apparently, he is putting it on so that he can feel what his clients feel like and can work with them more effectively. Of course, he has a plan for taking it all off again. In the article, he mentions that he already feels "addicted" to many of the fatty and sugary foods he is consuming.

Now, part of me says "wow. That is pretty amazing. He really wants to serve the obese community by giving himself first hand education on being obese"... then there is this other part of me. The part that says "if this was a drug and alcohol counselor who decided to become a druggy for a while so he could experience what his clients feel like, how would I feel about that?" Well, I would think he was totally insane.

So, how closely do we equate the "addiction" of food/sugar and the "addiction" of drugs and alcohol? There are studies that show that sugar specifically triggers the same chemicals in the body and brain as hard core drugs. But, is it doing the same amount of damage? Well, anything is excess can cause damage, especially over time.

That same part of me looks at how HARD this is to do. How much SO many people STRUGGLE everyday, and I think "Dude, why are you DOING this to yourself??? ON PUROPOSE??"

So, the answer is, I am torn about this guy. His blood pressure is already dangerously high, and he still has 4 more weeks to "gain". I am dying to hear what you guys think.

One Day at a Time Success

*Whew*. OK I finally have a moment to update things. Of course, I'm at work, and I should be, you know, WORKING, but I'm taking a mental break for a few.

First - the weigh in - DOWN 7 POUNDS.

Holy Crap-ola.

Between a great plan, and the idea of taking one day at a time, one pound at a time, this is working for me.

I'm back to work today after being out almost a whole week. There is food everywhere. Home made pumpkin bread, fudge cookies, big salty pretzels, candy all over. I haven't touched any of it. It only takes a little for me to fling myself off the binging cliff.

No flinging for me today. Just for today. Tomorrow, I will tell myself the same thing.

All day at work has tuckered me out. I could take a nap right on my desk, but I think the boss would frown on that, so I will refrain.

Yesterday was my cousins baby shower. She is having a baby girl, and it will be the first baby girl on either side of the family for like, 10 years. Needless to say, I indulged in some pink frilly clothing for her, and warned her there would be more to come.

I was nervous going to the shower. I still fight the feeling that people are watching me eat, wondering what I'm eating... and whether is "good" or "bad" they talk about it. That feeling is NOT quelled by some people who, regardless of what I am eating find it "interesting" to say things like "oohh, can you eat that??" - oooh soooo well intentioned.

Ok, besides being a mental freak show, I calmly got up in line for the buffet. I surveyed the table. Salad - first thing. Perfect. Next, roasted veggies... SCORE. Then.. potatoes, rolls, pasta, chicken, beef... hmmm...which looked the least fattening? Well, no potatoes or pasta or rolls... so, I took 1/2 a spoon of the beef dish and filled my whole plate with veggies. Nice. I mean, I felt SO good walking back to my seat with this lunch plate in hand. I had avoided all of my obvious pit-falls. I was proud.

I felt healthy and awesome. And it was DELISH.

I'm a little concerned for the hubs. His eating has not been great. He's been very, very stressed. I understand that, totally, but I worry about him too. We talked about it today, and I *think* he understands where I am coming from. His Dad had a heart attack in his 30's, and he wasn't even heavy! Thank God he survived it and is well now...but, with genes like that, plus eating poorly... I don't want to think about it. But I don't want to be left alone raising 2 boys either.

I think about all those times when I was morbidly obese that people tried to talk to me. To tell me they were worried about me. I didn't want to know. I ate out of rebellion toward them. I don't want hubby to fall into that feeling. It's sucky.

Anyway. I should get back to working. *sigh* (repeating: I am blessed to have a job, I am blessed to have a job, I am blessed to have a job)

Later, peeps!

I don't know about all of you, but the weekends are super tough to stay in control of. I remember back in the day when the hubs and I used to make weekend plans based on where we were going to eat. We would eat out or order in probably all weekend long. That was a long time ago, but. The habits of wanting to indulge out on the weekends still linger.
These are the battles so many of us face. So many times I have given in to those "oh, its just for today" temptations... Adding thousands of calories to my plan in just one day.
Well, though I felt tempted to get a mocha at Starbucks, I got a cup of tea. No snack. No junk food pick up when we stopped at Target for diapers and birthday cards. No lunch out. I stayed the course. Maintained my focus. I am very proud.
I am battling a little this evening as well. As we relax (rare) I crave some mindless eating. So, I talk to myself:
"are you actually hungry?"
"you are at your calorie limit for today. Just relax. Wait and have that snack/food tomorrow"
Talking to myself, telling myself to stay relaxed has really been working well for me. I find I get anxious about food that I "can't" have... And that anxiousness makes me want to eat even more. Oh, the mind of a food/sugar addict is never boring, kids.
Anyway, the idea of taking one day at a time, one pound at a time is helping as well. Tomorrow morning is weigh in, but I am just concentrating on finishing out today totally on plan. Tomorrow, my attitude will be the same - just one day at a time.
Speaking of tomorrow, I am going to my cousins baby shower. Parties are always tough, because you never know what's going to be there to eat. I'll be leaving the house at about 10:30 and probably won't return till late afternoon. The good news about this is my cousin is a very healthy eater, so it would be very shocking if there wasn't salad and lean protein. I am sure. I will have some healthy, on plan choices, but I will work very hard to stay away from the other options that will not help me achieve my goals. I think I will be talking to myself a lot tomorrow. Lol
I will post my weigh in tomorrow. I hope it's as good as I anticipate.
How is everyone else faring? Keeping focused?

Winning! Well, mostly...

Yes, I'm sorry, I am going to bitch just a little more about being sick. I can't believe how horrible I feel. My throat hurts so badly, when I cough I expect there to be blood (there is not). Ok, I know that's a little TMI, but I haven't been sick like this is so long, and I'm just tired of being in constant pain.
Ok, bitching is done. I thought I would try and get it out in the first few moments and then move on.
I am eating fantastically on plan. My workouts are still lacking, and it's because I am sick. I know that is not an excuse. There are many people out there a whole lot worse off than I that are working out like machines. I'm going to get my act together on the workout front. I am planning on doing at LEAST a long walk tomorrow, and I am going back to Tuff Girl on Saturday morning. My big goal is to start running again. Now that I have figured out how to keep my heel happy after a high intensity workout, I really feel like I can start running again safely.
I have taken a peak at the scale, and I am very happy so far. Weigh in is officially Sunday, so I will update then.
I was thinking about how I haven't been sick in soooooooo long. I really think it has to do with the amount of stuff I am involved with right now. I work a full time job, and part time job. I am in school part time. I am involved with church and church choir. I am co founder of a theater company. I workout 3-4 times a week. I have 2 small kids. Im trying to keep up with sll thehousework, grocery shopping..ect. Every time I go over it all in my head, thinking that something has to give, I simply can't figure out anything to let go. What a busy girl to do? Suck it up, I guess. I am lucky to have all of these things. I am incredibly blessed to be working, to have a family... I am so grateful.
I'm going to work tomorrow. I have to at least try... Even though my voice is still very weak, and I don't know how much work I can do without it. But I can't sit home another day. I'll go nutty! Oh, thatsanother thing I am super grateful for...a boss and coworkers who are understanding and caring. That is a HUGE blessing!
I just realized. This post is a little disjunt. Sorry about that. I'm headed to bed and praying I will wake up to a painless working throat!

The streak continues!

Yes, that's right! I am doing SO well with my eating! I keep telling myself "one day at a time, one pound at a time." I'm not thinking about Sunday weigh in, I'm not thinking about January 1st, I'm just thinking about TODAY only. Today, I am on plan. Tomorrow, I will tell myself the same thing.
Unfortunately, the sickness continues. I went to my local urgent care center this morning, because my throat is so sharply sore, I thought there must have been something they could do for me. Nope. It's viral, and no meds will help. I can only take tylenol, and it doesn't work on this pain. So warm and cold liquids are in abundance. It's good all the way around. I hate missing work. I can't afford to miss work, but I also can't talk. At all. No joke. I have absolutely no voice. And calling patients and having no voice don't mix.
The kids went off to school/daycare this morning, so I thought I would have today to actually rest and begin to feel better. About an hour after I got home from urgent care, the phone rang. Daycare. Sam was running a temp. He wasn't himself, crying a lot. So, I went off to get my little one. When they don't feel well, I was them home with me. I want to be taking care of them. so, right now he's napping. My little honey perked right up when I walked in to get him.
I was a little aggravated last night. I dragged myself to class (which was a mistake, because I felt horrible after) and I come home to the house messy and nothing around here done at all. At that point, I felt so awful I didn't care, and the hubs directed me up to bed and made me tea. However, I just don't think it's too much to ask to have some help around here, especially when I'm not feeling well. When I ask, you'd think I was asking him don an apron and get down on his hands and knees and start scrubbing. Um, I would really just like him to run a load of laundry and maybe take out the trash. Is that too much? No, no it's not. Especially when I usually take care of it.
"sigh'
Ok, well, I'm going to go make lunch for my little Sammy Bear. It's veggie soup for me. Later.

Almost 8:00 and I am right on plan. This may seem like a big "duh" to you reading out there, but for me, it's awesome. It's moving forward.
I got in all my liquids, and ate on plan even in the midst of some BIG temptations. I mean, serious. I did a lot of talking to myself. Looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what I really, really want. A moment of gorging on sugar, or to reach my goal?
I made a choice. I choose me. I choose the goals I have been striving for for 3 years. I choose health and life and strength.
I am very proud, and sitting with the others emotions that are cropping up. Sometimes when I am craving sugar and I make the decision not to give in, I get angry. So, I am sitting with that anger, letting it process.
I am super sick, which sucksssss. Bad chest cold that my little Sammy and I are sharing. (he's so generous!). This sucky cold has grounded me from my workout for tonight, and tonight ONLY. I am going to spend some time with a hot shower, Tylenol, tea, and my pillow.
I can't say enough (yes, again) how grateful I am to all of the people out there who shared the love with me. Being sick, coming across stress and temptation would have surely done me in today. But all of the good vibes being directed my way did miracles. It helped me find myself again. Thank you, thank you.
Ok, I'm going to get some rest. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking it one day and one pound at a time.

I am in awe...

Wow... I mean... wow.
I cannot thank you all enough for the love, especially Allan who so incredible posted This blog about ME. For someone to take the time to help me get support and love... It means so much to me. I couldn't believe when I popped on here this morning and I had so much love on my last post. All of your support has been INSTRUMENTAL in my really feeling good about where I am right now and I where I am going.
It's hard to see my progress when I feel so stuck. I have to take the time and look back at where I came from. Not just the weight loss, but the strength, stamina, fitness and HEALTH I have gained. I am gained YEARS of life for myself - for my kids - for my family.
I am SO on board today. I am riding high on all the positive energy being directed my way. You guys are amazing.
Consider these bootstraps PULLED.
I have a super painful chest cold... the only thing that doesn't hurt going down is hot liquids - so, I'm living on tea, protein coffee, and soup today.
Probably also helpful in clearing out the system a little.
I went back to Tuff Girl on Saturday and pushed through one of the hardest workouts I have ever done. Yesterday, my whole body hurt to move. Today, my lower body is screaming with every step.
What a way to get back in the game.
Tonight will be some core work, maybe some upper body and a LOT of stretching... to get these sore muscles working again.
I've gotten the hubs on board with Allan's hardcore challenge menu. I'm liking the structure of it. And making it for all of us (kids included) will be much easier than doing it for me, and something different for them.
I'm at work for now, but the way I am feeling I may go home early. We will see how the day goes.
It's my co-workers birthday, and 3 other co-workers brought in sweets to "celebrate". Is everyones office like this?? Every possibility for celebration is taken, and it's done with FOOD. But honestly, I am feeling so good, I am not even interested in what's being put out. Keeping with my coffee and water for now.
Ok. I'm out for now. Thanks again to EVERYONE who took the time to say hello and help me through this time. You are all AMAZING.

Coming Clean

Coming clean. It's hard. I feel like I've been in a slow decline. I fight and fight to gain ground, and I slip in my own stupidity.

Unfortunately, it's not my WEIGHT going down... it's my spirits and my will.

I have NO excuses. I have only myself to blame. It's obviously up to ME to make this happen. NO ONE is doing it for me.

Soooo.... why am I not doing it?

I couldn't tell you. I have no idea.

How can I possibly expect to help people with their weight loss battle when I can't conquer my own?

After my surgery, the best thing I experienced was not my weight loss. It was the freedom of being off the yo-yo cycle. Not thinking about food. Just going on with my daily life, eating what I knew to eat, and nothing else. It was SO freeing. It felt amazing.

I just want that feeling back again. I want to be free. I want to just eat what I know to eat, and be done with it.

I am obsessing. I am stressing. It's awful.

I was going to quit my challenge, because I feel like I am letting my fellow challengers down, and especially out leader, Allan. I was told there are NO QUITTERS. And it made me feel better. Because, I can't quit. I can't quit the challenge, I can't quit exercising and tracking and TRYING.

I can never ever quit trying.

Tomorrow morning I am going to my amazing, beloved Tuff Girl Bootcamp. I am SO excited to go there and sweat my whining out. I need a good, whippin', apparently! And, I have a feeling I'll get it tomorrow morning.

I will never stop trying. I will never quit. I can't be "that" WLS person who gains all their weight back.

I will never be the IFG again.

I'll be here, complaining updating this weekend on how the hell I am going to get my shit moving again.

Advise. Smack-downs, support, all accepted.

Just pretend this is a witty title.

Woh... I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm still here! I promise!
Aside from a crappy day yesterday, the Triple Dog Dare Challenge is going well. I really screwed up yesterday. I don't really know why, and here's the thing - it didn't even taste good. It didn't do anything for me. Yet, I did it anyway. Talk about not being worth it.
This past weekend was very stressful. The hubs and I were faced with a very unexpected and serious situation. It turned everything upside down. (No, no one is hurt or sick!! Thank you, God!)
Yesterday we found out this "scare" was fine. For the time being, it's nothing to worry about. However, the intense pressure and stress released yesterday and my insides felt like jello.
There have been so many little incidences I have had and thought "I am totally gonna blog about this!" And then time passes and I don't. But I am here to tell you that yes, I am on the horse. I am taking my weight loss 10 lbs at a time, and no more. I am drinking at least 92 oz of water a day (I've gotten 80 in so far today) and I am walking my butt off every chance I get. It's not my beloved Tuff Girl workouts. It's not my TurboFire (But, that's coming back, baby!) But it's moving, and that is what I have to do now.
I'm craving some mental and emotional relaxation. I am trying to take moments and stop and breath... but I need more. Perhaps I can actually get in some yoga tonight, after class? I hope so. I really, really need it.
Feeling good about my eating today. I'm hungry right now, but I know that I am fueling myself. Eating super clean makes me feel light, and energetic. I love that feeling. So why is it that I have so often gone back to the junk, which makes me feel SO disgusting? *sigh*
I have made a comparison in my head: Sugar (the added kind, not fruit kind) is like little shards of glass. It's goes through your system into your blood stream, and like glass does, it nicks and cuts up your insides. Your intestines, your arteries... fat (the saturated kind) is, well, like gobs of slime. It slips through your insides, and goops up your arteries. It prevents those little sugar cuts from healing up. Then comes the free-radicals we are exposed to daily: pollution, smoke, radiation... those along with the damage we are doing to our bodies with sugar and fat (AND not enough of the antioxidants, or the free-radical-fighting-stuff, like fruits and veggies)guess what happens? They invade the damage caused by our overeating the sugar and the fat.
And we get Cancer.
And we Die.
Anyone really going to argue, along with all the other death-inducing illness that our obesity brings us, that being fat is deadly?
So when my buddy Allan refers to treating your fat like you would treat cancer, he's RIGHT folks.
This kind of perspective helps when I am faced with a sugary adversary. I imagine that sugar making it's merry way through my body, cutting it to ribbons. Allowing free radicals to invade that damage is KILLING ME.
That caramel corn isn't NEALRY as appetizing after that.