Friday, October 21, 2011

More psyche revelations: Warning: Nutty content

I, very inexplicably and unintentionally, may have just figured out at least ONE of my issues with my self-sabotaging behavior.
I am sitting here at my desk, thinking (yes, again) about how close I am to "ONEderland" and I immediately started thinking about the candy in the bosses office.
Um. why?
Then, I found myself thinking "well, I will inevitably slip up when I get into onederland, and I may even see the dreaded "2" at the beginning of my number again... so why bother?"
There it is folks. It's the fear of "getting there" and then "leaving there"
It's much worse to get to a goal, and then screw up and lose it, than to never get there at all.... or so my psyche seems to think.
What if I get to my ultimate goal, and I rebound up like a yo-yo? So what, I can reminisce about "that one time I was in ONEderland?"
OMG that would be horrible.
I remember when I lost about 60 lbs in college (starving myself, by the way) and I thought "I will NEVER be that big again!" And yet, I was. I gained all the way back to where I started and put on 65 additional! It was the biggest shame of my life to look at pictures of myself when I graduated college (I'm smaller now, BTW) and to see the way I had let myself become.
I can't stand to feel ashamed.
So there is it folks. I never saw myself as someone who was afraid of succeeding because I am more afraid of failing afterwards (Gosh, does this even make sense??) but here I am.
Now the perpetual question: What do I do about it?
Well, right now, I have to fight against it a bit. The fear makes me want to eat off my plan. It will also make me cry when I get on the scale Sunday morning and I don't see what I am expecting/what I want.
So, I need to pick a direction:

I think you know which way I am going to KEEP going. It's interesting that this "answer" suddenly just popped up. But, living is about learning. And I just keep learning over and over that I'm a nut job.

1 comment:

  1. You're not a nut job, I promise. :) I've been writing about this a lot lately - my self-sabotaging as I get closer to my goal. When I started at 345 lbs., I feared failure - now, in onederland, I fear success. It's scary to think I won't be someone who needs to lose weight, because that's what I've been my entire life.