cast the stones

Sitting at work, feeling sick as sick can be.

My stomach is hurting, my head, my whole body. I feel weak and tired.

I'm also whiney. Sorry.

I don't know if my stomach pain is from a little bug, or from the total and utter destruction I wrought upon it this weekend. Seriously. On a scale of 1-10 (treating your body with care and respect - total abandonment of all that is healthy and nutritious) I was a 10. Total. Abandonment.

Something funny is, when I overeat, or binge on the wrong foods, in the moment, I feel as though I am "treating" myself. I'm "giving" myself something. In actuality, it is SO the opposite. I am MIStreating my body. It's working SO hard to process the garbage I put in it. It spikes and then crashes my blood sugar, resulting in the ultimate sick feeling. I feel, well, awful.

Where is the wiring crossed that makes me feel, for even a moment, that I am doing anything good for my body when I do this?

Hm. I think I may have just answered my own question. It's not my body I am "treating". It's my mind. The sugar feeds my addiction. My mind and psyche screams out for more. And dammit, I gave it more. Much more than I ever should have.

But I allowed it. Or rather, I allowed the walls to crumble down. I allowed the addiction to take over.

But, I will not feel guilty over this. Feeling guilty is simply perpetuating the cycle. Been there, done that. I will move on. I will listen to the pain I have put my body through. I will heed what my BODY needs and not what my MIND wants.

I DECIDE.

It's Halloween. I'm not even close to thinking about eating candy because, frankly, the thought makes me want to vomit. Yes. Delightful. I'll bring Thing 1 (who is a Ghost Sheriff) around to a few houses in our area. I'll carry the cutie little Thing 2 in his Dino costume along to get some air, but getting candy for him is totally ridiculous. Have you ever seen adults who walk around with infants, holding open a big sack for candy? Really? Is that kid gonna eat that? Prolly not. Well, I HOPE not! The adult is going home and raiding that bag. I will NOT be that person.

I'm sipping on tea, just trying to get through the day. It kinda feels like a hangover, except no alcohol was involved. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

Still have no internet, phone or cable at home from the fall Nor'easter that whipped through here. Thank you God, we have power. I am grateful. But, I prolly won't be able to update till tomorrow.

You can feel free to cast the stones. I suck.