Monday, October 31, 2011

cast the stones

Sitting at work, feeling sick as sick can be.

My stomach is hurting, my head, my whole body. I feel weak and tired.

I'm also whiney. Sorry.

I don't know if my stomach pain is from a little bug, or from the total and utter destruction I wrought upon it this weekend. Seriously. On a scale of 1-10 (treating your body with care and respect - total abandonment of all that is healthy and nutritious) I was a 10. Total. Abandonment.

Something funny is, when I overeat, or binge on the wrong foods, in the moment, I feel as though I am "treating" myself. I'm "giving" myself something. In actuality, it is SO the opposite. I am MIStreating my body. It's working SO hard to process the garbage I put in it. It spikes and then crashes my blood sugar, resulting in the ultimate sick feeling. I feel, well, awful.

Where is the wiring crossed that makes me feel, for even a moment, that I am doing anything good for my body when I do this?

Hm. I think I may have just answered my own question. It's not my body I am "treating". It's my mind. The sugar feeds my addiction. My mind and psyche screams out for more. And dammit, I gave it more. Much more than I ever should have.

But I allowed it. Or rather, I allowed the walls to crumble down. I allowed the addiction to take over.

But, I will not feel guilty over this. Feeling guilty is simply perpetuating the cycle. Been there, done that. I will move on. I will listen to the pain I have put my body through. I will heed what my BODY needs and not what my MIND wants.


It's Halloween. I'm not even close to thinking about eating candy because, frankly, the thought makes me want to vomit. Yes. Delightful. I'll bring Thing 1 (who is a Ghost Sheriff) around to a few houses in our area. I'll carry the cutie little Thing 2 in his Dino costume along to get some air, but getting candy for him is totally ridiculous. Have you ever seen adults who walk around with infants, holding open a big sack for candy? Really? Is that kid gonna eat that? Prolly not. Well, I HOPE not! The adult is going home and raiding that bag. I will NOT be that person.

I'm sipping on tea, just trying to get through the day. It kinda feels like a hangover, except no alcohol was involved. All I want to do is crawl into bed.

Still have no internet, phone or cable at home from the fall Nor'easter that whipped through here. Thank you God, we have power. I am grateful. But, I prolly won't be able to update till tomorrow.

You can feel free to cast the stones. I suck.

1 comment:

  1. Totally agree with not letting the guilt set in. It's a completely useless emotion. No stones casting here. We all indulge too much sometimes. Chin up dear. :)