Friday, December 9, 2011

Challenge: Living

I have learned so much these past 12 days. Not just about clean eating, but about myself. And about what I want from myself and FOR myself. Not just in eating, and exercise, but regarding my mental and emotional state - especially toward food.

I am not going to try to lose weight anymore. I know that statement doesn't sound "healthy" at first, but let me explain.

I have spent my whole life, since I was 10 years old, CONSTANTLY trying to lose weight. I "dieted" my way up to 365lbs. I have lost 160 lbs in the last 3 years, and I am done with trying to lose weight.

I have not gotten on the scale the whole time during the cleanse. Not since the first day we met up almost 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE for me. I am a self-proclaimed "scale-a-holic" sometimes weighing myself 3-4 times a day. I know, it's a problem.

So, I know I am rambling, but hang with me here - Focusing on eating clean, healthy meals, frequently, exercising more days a week than not and really feeling good about myself is going to be my focus.

How do my clothes fit? Am I really hungry, or is it just "head-hunger"? Is this food choice the best choice I can make? Is eating this good for me - my body AND mind?

These are my new focus. And I am very, very happy about that.

I'm never going to stop trying to get healthy. I just need to step away from the numbers for a while and get in touch with my body. What do I need to do stay away from things that trigger binge responses (sugar)? More protein? Less protein? More halthy carbs? Less? More exercise? Less? You get the picture.

I am also becoming quite aware of different foods having different effects on my body, including painful bloating. It's become evident that I need to pick things apart a little more so I can pinpoint what is doing this. I could very well have a food "allergy", or sensitivity.

It's going to be a period of self discovery. I am going to workout when I really want to. I felt like running yesterday, so I ran. One day I felt like grunting along to a HIIT workout, so I did. Maybe one day I will want to take a nice long walk. And although I have been told there is "no glory in a long walk", if it's what I feel like, it is what I will do. Period.

I decide. For real. I have said that before, and continued to following along other peoples paths. It's time to carve my own.

It's also finally time to start learning to love myself. Whether I stay at this weight, or I happen to get smaller, I need to love myself regardless. That is the hardest part of all.

There is no end date to this. There is no "challenge" or "goal" per se. There is just living life everyday and taking the bumps as they come.

So I guess my new challenge is - living?


  1. Kelliann - I have been exactly where you are today in thought and struggle and exerience. (I started at 385). When I hovered at the 200 mark I was tired of it all and looked to find a new focus. I hope you find the road that let's you grow in all ways with the exception of gaining pounds.

    People think it should be easy for us girls who have lost close to 200+ pounds to just keep it off and live happy lives without issues. That was never my experience. Please know that I am open to talking with you privately at any time.

    Jane at

  2. You have to know yourself. I know I have done things like this because I was tired of the "grind". I got into the try this, try that, maybe this and so on. I would then realize that I needed the structure but would have some pounds to lose because the freedom was too much. I have been trying to eat more intuitively and the freedom can backfire. Just be careful and stay in tune with what's happening emotionally. I am doing pretty well but it is so easy to "drift" into bad habits.