Saturday, January 29, 2011

Snowy realizations...

I absolutely count shoveling as a workout. Man, I am still a little sore from shoveling on Thursday! And apparently, we have more coming. Now, I live in a condo, and I shouldn't have to shovel, since we pay exorbitant HOA fees, and yet, at 9 AM on Thursday morning, after approx 18 inches had fallen on our complex, there was not a plow or shovel to be seen, so I took matters into my own hands. Literally.
Anyway, the countdown on the job front STILL continues. I sent in my references on the same day I had my interview, and I heard nothing all week. I need to work so badly. My credit card bills are going to be due, and it's going to be them, or groceries. I think we know which will win. Successfully flushing my already crappy credit score even further down the drain. I know things will get better - I just need to start working already!!
Had my first Nutrition class last week and I love, love, love it already. I am so excited to be doing what I am being called to do. Something interesting I figured out is: I am uncomfortable talking about food in a positive manner. I think this is something I have always known, but came face to face with in class. When asked the simple question: "what is your favorite food?" I froze. My favorite healthy food? My favorite junky food? Food I eat now, or food I have ever eaten? I really had anxiety over this answer. The idea that I am uncomfortable having myself associated with food really hit home. As a fat person (almost former fat person) I felt very self-conscious eating in front of people, or speaking about food or eating positively (for example: "this (insert food item here) is SO delicious! It's so (insert colorful adjectives here)!" Hmm... could this pose a problem? We needed to get up in front of the class and give our name, major, favorite food, and goal. My goal, of course, is to open a weight loss and wellness center. I was even embarrassed to say that - I felt like the rest of the class would berate me (the fat girl) for having such a contrary goal. THEY don't know I have lost 150 lbs! All they see is this overweight woman... they don't see my hard work or struggle.
I remember in elementary school - maybe 3rd or 4th grade - that we had a Thanksgiving feast in our classroom, we did crafts, played games, and then everyone brought and Thanksgiving food item to share. When everyone lined up at the food table to fill their plates, I sat at my desk and cried. See, I was already the "fat girl", and I was so afraid of people watching me eat, scrutinizing what was on my plate, making fun of me, it was overwhelming. My poor teacher couldn't figure out what was wrong! And, I really couldn't verbalize it at that point. I just knew I was filled with so much anxiety, and it was because of food, and my fear of ridicule.
I feel like more of these realizations will rear their ugly heads, and I will have to deal with them one at a time.

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