Monday, April 18, 2011

Food journal

Dear food diary:
Today, and for a while after this, I am going to use the blog to log my food and activity. This is because when I put my food into Livestrong, even if it's all clean, healthy food, if it goes over the 1300 calorie mark the machine has set for me, I freak out. I tell myself "why bother" and I binge. I know this because it's what I have been doing for the past week.
My goals are this: Drink primarily water, cut down on the caffeine, and sugar.
So, here we go. It's a school day, so activity, except for walking everywhere and using the stairs over the elevator (which I got back into the habit of using) is limited.

Click shake (1.5 scooops Click espresso protein, .5 scoops Amplified Wheybolic Vanilla Protein, 8 oz calore countdown chocolate milk)
1/4 cup (dry) steal cut oats
1 medium banana
1.5 tbs natural PB
small salad with all greens
1/4 cup red kidney beans
1/8 cup Good Seasons oil and vinager dressing, with less oil.
1.5 oz ground turkey
1/4 cup reduced fat cheese
1 slice Ezekiel 4:9 bread
2 oz cabot 75% reduced fat cheese
.5 oz almonds
2 oz lean pork tenderloin
1/4 sweet potato
48 oz water so far - on my way to get more.
This is my food for the majority of my day. I have not consumed it all yet, but I run right to class after this and I need to be sustained till 8:00.

I am already trying to rationalize in my head why stopping for a tall non-fat no-whip mocha wouldn't be all that bad. At one point, my brain started contemplating switching out the healthy foods I have for a mocha... sick.
Even as I write this, I am still trying to make it work in my head.
"It's not THAT bad.. it's only's NON-FAT... you need a LITTLE SOMETHING to get you through class, Josh kept you up last night..."
On and on. I really hope I can move on from this. At this point, it's not even a calories thing, it's an addictive thing. I feel almost powerless and I don't like that feeling at all. I am a POWERFUL woman, and I am NOT controlled by any substance...

ETA: In the spirit of being totally truthful, I am telling you all that I got my mocha. I stood and even contemplated a sugar free drink, and ultimately chose my mocha.
HOWEVER. Before you judge:
On the way home from class, I did NOT stop for previously mentioned irresistible Cadbury creme eggs, or for another coffee, for that matter. I called the hubs on the way home and he sweetly told me not to stop, that he had made dinner. I told him I was having trouble, and he gently coaxed me into coming straight home. I think I would have been ok, but I reached out for the support and I got it. I love my hubby. I'm a lucky girl.

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