Monday, April 25, 2011

Pushed in the mud

I've been pushed into the mud, and then smooshed in even further. It would be so exceptionally easy to lie there, covered in mud, knowing that I can't be pushed down again if I just lay still. There are times I really contemplate giving up getting back up again.

I've been figuratively stabbed in the back by a friend playing passive aggressive games - assumed that I could read their mind and figure out what they needed... and because I couldn't, it seems that's it. I'm apparently dispensable. And frankly, that's fine. I'm tired of the games anyway.
Every step we take with the theater company, we are pushed back a half step (at least)... and I really want to give up the constant pushing.
I dared to stand up for myself in the face of a nasty, snide person I have to deal with... and got no support from the person I turned to.
My heart aches for all the loss in my family this past year. Not just the loss, but all the questions. The longing to ask WHY. The longing to show BPM how much he was/is loved and needed in hopes that would change things. When I think of how much his passing effected our family, and how it broke my Mima's heart - right up till her last moments... I ache all over again.
I stuff my feelings with food... and it's not even working any more... that should be a wake-up call if nothing else. I've put on a few pounds, feeling slow and tired and sluggish.
So, what does one do?
We get up again... and again...and again...

We say "screw you" to the people trying to dispose of us, to the pushing, to the bullying, to the un-supportive people and to the heartache. We emerge from the mud and breathe in the fresh air. We wipe ourselves off, and we keep moving forward. Sometimes we don't like it (like right now) but we know better. My mother didn't raise me to quit anything. My Mima always told me not to give up on my dreams. I would be doing them and myself such a disservice to take all of my hard work, in all aspects of my life, and just throw it away because I was tired of fighting back. So, I will keep fighting.

"If you want something bad enough, you have the power to make it happen--no matter what other people have to say, no matter how tough the odds at first appear to be. Are you willing to make a choice? Do you have the courage to start? Can you make the commitment to finish?" -- UNLEASH THE WARRIOR WITHIN by Richard "Mack" Machowicz


  1. Lovely sentiments from what sounds like a less than lovely time. I'm absolutely certain you have the strength to get over all set-backs, and continue on the path you have begun so well. Know that you're readers are behind you!

  2. It's up and down...all through life but we survive. You learn to keep the true people close to your heart and let the others go. And yes, I am glad you are fighting back! The mud is a terrible place to be! If you need me, you know where I am....please don't hesitate! You helped me so many times without you even knowing you have done so. I would feel honored to return the favor. Hugs!