Friday, April 22, 2011


Grief can overtake you in different forms, and at different times. A birthday, special holiday, an anniversary... Suddenly you can feel transported back to a moment. When the phone rang. When the news came. The pins and needles that overtake your body, the blood drains from your face and you can hear your heart pounding in your ears as you try to comprehend what you've just heard.
I know from experience that that feeling takes a long time to ebb. My step-father passed away on May 8, 2002. Almost 9 years ago, and it still stings. I still cry. I think of him everyday, and miss him everyday.
It's been a year, almost to the day that we lost Brian. My cousin. But he was also a son, brother, nephew, "uncle", friend and a dear, sweet guy. We lost him way before April 25, 2010, we just didn't know it. None of us did - not his family, not those living with him, not his best friends. And then, he was just gone. With his passing, so many questions remained. Still unanswered. So much still unknown. So much regret, ache, and longing to go back and fix what was broken inside him. But we never can. There is no solace in our inabilities. There is only solace that his pain is no longer inside him... and we as mere mortals can only take so much comfort in that - because we want him back with us.
There is a young man who works in my building at Yale who looks so much like Brian. Every time I see him, there is a millisecond of recognition - almost as though I think it's really him. Then I remember. And it makes me sigh. Will I ever be able to glance at this young man and, even for the tiniest of moments, NOT think it's Brian? God, I hope so - but I just don't think so.

God bless you, Brian. We love you and miss you so much.
dodhearmadta - "Never to be forgotten"

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