Tuesday, January 24, 2012

O. M. G.

This is a tough day. I woke up this morning with a HUGE cold sore on my upper lip. It's painful, gross, embarrassing... ugh. Rush, rush, rush to work, stopping quickly to spend WAY too much money on Abreva for this stupid sore.

Work is CRAZY and I feel like I have too many balls in the air. I don't mind being busy AT ALL, my worry is that I am going to miss something. That is always a stressor in the back of my head.

Tonight is class on the North Campus, which I always struggle to get to on time. I can't WAIT till next semester, when all of my classes will be within walking distance of work - how sweet will THAT be??

After class, which ends at 8:10, I will go to the gym for my run. I am really not looking forward to it, but there is no other option. This is the only night I am out of class in time to go, but too late to rush home and see the kids - they will already be in bed. So, I'll end up there by about 8:30, and be done a little after 9:00. Go home, rinse, repeat.

Tomorrow night is class and lab till 9:50. Obviously, right home after that, rinse, repeat.

Thursday is Tuff Girl workout right after work, and then church choir. It didn't occur to me that I would be showing up to choir rehearsal sweaty and red-faced. Hm. We'll have to see how that goes over. Done there at 9:00. Home, rinse repeat.

Friday - work, and then home to fall over. It's my only night I don't have to be somewhere. I will actually get to see and play with my kids!! Go figure...

it's just one semester, just one... just one...

Ooooohhhh, but it's JUST starting! Agggghhhh....

I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like I want to eat, eat, eat. Actually, I don't think I want to eat, I just want comfort and ease, and I don't know how to get it. I usually get it from food. Sugar and chocolate, primarily. But I'm not *really* craving those things... just the comfort. I'm not even sure what would comfort me at this point. I'm feeling quite stressed and there is really nothing to be done about it.

Yet, saying nothing can be done leaves me in an "inactive" state. I would rather be pro-active. I'm the first one to make a plan, write it down, make a schedule!

Yet, I feel paralyzed by my situation.

The ironic thing is - I am doing all these things "for me"! I mean, I don't HAVE to be in school, in church choir, teaching, and working out like a mad woman! Well, I might have to change my idea on the working out part, but STILL. I'm doing this TO MYSELF, and yet, I am stressed beyond reason. So, what do I do? Admit I can't do it all? Drop school? Dropping school starts a barrage of other issues that cannot work (Student loans start coming in for payment.... cannot afford them right now!)And it doesn't get me any closer to my ultimate goal.

All this bitching is not getting me anywhere, I know. But if I can't vent here, where can I vent? I might implode!


  1. Vent away, hun! We're here for you as much as the internet can allow! I'm exhausted just reading your schedule, but I'm going to be praying you can find comfort and ease in the midst of your chaos. I find that a cup of tea with a little milk gives me comfort--it was something I turned to during the chaos of school.

    And you totally deserve to do these things for you! It may seem crazy right now, but soon you'll be able to look back, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and say, "I did it. I lived through that. I achieved my goal!"

  2. Vent away, girl - this is a safe space for you! I gained 50 pounds in 2 years as a grad student - I totally understand the overwheming-ness of student life! And on top of all the other things you need to balance? It's exhausting, no doubt. But you said it best - dropping school (but also - eating comfort foods) doesn't get you closer to your goal. It's difficult, yes. But focus on the positives ... for example, you don't get to see your family as much as you want - BUT, you have a loving family who understands! This isn't forever, it's just for now. Hang in there. :)